GreyArea Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 Where do I begin, it's been such a whirlwind of insanity over the last year or so. I'd like to take the time to detail the relationship that I just got out of, but that would be a looong post, so I'll just give you all the breakdown. We met, fell in love and moved in together a few short months later(mistake 1?). She was a month pregnant with another mans child who she claimed was abusive and neglectful. Here I come, trying to be mister night in shining..take her in and nurse her through the pregnancy. The child was born and I was hooked, instantly fell in love with her and it seemed to bond my ex and I on a whole nother level. Well, time passed and we decided we wanted one of our own. Next thing I know, we're pregnant. Doing what I can, being the single source of income, I did my damndest to make sure she was comfortable and happy throughout the pregnancy. Soon our baby boy was born, and things seemed good for a minute. I took a couple weeks off, helped get her back on her feet and took care of the kids. I go back to work and she seems content at home taking care of the children, not showing any signs of problems dealing with it, but I did occasionally take a day off work to give her a break, as much as my employer would allow. I started noticing that she was doing less around the house, and I was doing more... Which was fine, I know she had a lot on her with two kids.. I also noticed, however, that she was staying up all hours of the night on the internet. Next thing I know, BAM, she's hooked up with someone else. Later in the week, after I find out she's been talking with someone else, something pretty bad happened to me. I lost control of my car and hit a telephone pole head on at 60MPH. I was soon to be wheelchair bound for a few months, having really been screwed up by the wreck. She came to visit me once while I was in the hospital, which really had me down, despite finding out she was messing around on the internet. During my entire recovery, things weren't right with her... So I go through therapy, recover, and get back to work before the doctors say I should, so I can provide for my family. I come across a job in another city making a large chunk more than was I was making in my location at the time and decide to take it. We make the move and within a week, she was packing her things and leaving claiming that I was neglectful and didn't know what she went through staying home with the kids all the time. We argued, and tried to comprimise, but it just didn't work out, she just wasn't wanting to try. So she moved away, about 4 hours away, with the guy she met on the internet. He has no job, no future, and is a straight up a**h*** to boot, claiming *I* was a horrible man....Go figure.. So now here I am, broken, confused and alone. But the catch is..she didn't take the kids. She left my child with me and sent her other child(who I miss VERY much on a daily basis) to live with the biological father. I got to know him, by the way, turns out he's not as bad of a guy as she led me to beleive, on the surface at least.. There are of course way more details to this than I have the space or emotions to explain, but I'm going to move on to my problem now. I'm alone, with a 16 month old boy who seems to be confused because his mother comes and goes when she pleases, or feels the urge to Jerk me around claiming she wants to work it out because she's not happy where she is... He has a serious temper, and it only worsens each time she shows her face and leaves again. I don't know how to handle this, I don't want to spoil him making it worse for me in the future, but I don't want him to feel unloved. I can't find the balance he needs to be content. He's a very loving child and is VERY clingy to me, but I don't want him to grow up this way.. The makes it VERY hard to say "Ok" when she wants to visit her child, whom I can't deny the right to see his mother. I've tried to reason with her, get her to move closer so she can see him daily, hoping that may calm the situation, but she won't do it. She can't afford it because her bum of a boyfriend can barely afford to put gas in his car, let alone rent a place in a more expensive city. Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation that could help me out? I'm at my wits end dealing with him every day on top of being on call 24x7 365 and sometimes working 60+ hours a week. He's so young that I can't explin what's going on, but he definetly knows its not right. I'm dying here, it's breaking me down to a point that I've considered sending him to live with his Grandparents, but at the same time feel that would only worsen things for him. Please help, I'm desperate for advice and some piece of mind. Thanks in advance.
moimeme Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 You definitely need to get him to a child psychologist who's really good ( ask around at a local daycare or at a church for recommendations - also ask your pediatrician). Dealing with loss at that young age is complicated and you need the counsel of a professional. There are probably books about it, too. Check out your local library or an online bookseller for books about 'children and divorce'.
Author GreyArea Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme You definitely need to get him to a child psychologist who's really good ( ask around at a local daycare or at a church for recommendations - also ask your pediatrician). Dealing with loss at that young age is complicated and you need the counsel of a professional. There are probably books about it, too. Check out your local library or an online bookseller for books about 'children and divorce'. The thing is, I talk to my family from time to time about his actions, and they say it's normal, and to just deal, that he's too young to really know what's up. I tend to disagree, but don't really know what steps to take to find out. Do they really have phycologists that deal with such young children?
chica Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 GreyArea, I really feel for you. What a difficult and heart-breaking situation. It sounds to me as though your son is better off with you. I know you don't want him to become too clingy, but a good way to alleviate that concern would be to give him as much affection and attention as you can. I know you are working long hours, but he is in a situation where he probably feels very misplaced and a little unloved and as a child, he will need your reassurance and an environment as stable as you can manage. And your family are right too, accept his emotions as they are, allow him to show the way he feels inside so he doesn't get pent up and totally dysfunctional. His feelings are the most important thing. I hope you have lots of support around you too.
moimeme Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 Do they really have phycologists that deal with such young children? Absolutely. You can hunt around on Google to get some advice. I found this: Feelings In the toddler period, children become more aware of others' feelings and learn to express their own feelings with words and through play. They may become more aggressive or fearful when their parents divorce. Frequent shifts in emotional state are common for toddlers. One minute they are happily playing, and a few minutes later they are upset. It is hard for toddlers to manage strong feelings like sadness or anger. They may miss the parent who is gone or be angry about not being able to be with a parent. Toddlers need to know it is all right to have these feelingshttp://missourifamilies.org/features/divorcearticles/divorcefeature22.htm note to mods: it's a University of Missouri site
Mz. Pixie Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 GA- I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing with your son. However, he is so blessed to have you- a loving father who is doing his best to do whatever he can for him. Don't give up on him! His mom has already done that- that's enough selfishness in his life right now. What you need to do is set boundaries with this woman. Don't answer her calls, etc. If she wants to visit her son, fine- but don't let her mess with your head while she's doing it. It's hard on the kids- he misses his mom probably but is confused by the situation. I echo that he probably needs counseling on how to deal with his emotions. You should set the parameters for the visitation- it shouldn't just be whenever she gets ready to show up. I'm sure if she pushed you you could get custody- she's clearly not fit and she left him with you to begin with. Hang in there!
LittleMiss Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 If only all fathers were as loving as you. You are doing the best you can and that's all you can do. Just show your son all the love you can and that's all he needs from you.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 Is it possible that your son also misses the other child? Could you get them together for a play date? It must be really tough on you. I would suggest reducing your hours or taking a personal leave if possible. And get a lawyer (tha'ts kind of a double standard, financially however).
MassiveAtom Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 GreyArea. been trying to post all day. Site was just down. grrrrrrr. Single fatherhood is a BEEYATCH!! Three things in this situation cause me concern. YOU are not one of them. 1. The kids tantrums. 2. Your ex 3. your stress level. Let's start with the little guy. His temper tantrums are likely caused by his inability and/ or desire to control the situation with his mom. It's also very damaging to his self esteem when she shows up erratically. Just imagine how painful it is for him to have her turn and walk away. A psychologist would help but you have to get your boy ready and feeling safe for that. It is vital that you prepare your relationship with him as a safe place for him so that when the pain comes, in the form of his moms repeated departure, he knows he can come to you for comfort. He has to be taught that he is worthy of love (self-love too), and not at fault. Key things to say BEFORE tantrums: 1. "Son, I love you no matter what." Say it until it starts making him sick. Over do it! Say it when you don't want to. 2. "It's okay to be angry / sad / scared/ confused / just remember (insert #1)" 3. "You're so great! (insert #1)" - or some other praise when he's good. 4. "It's not your fault, (insert #1) The thing is man, his self-worth is being crushed RIGHT NOW. By his mom's absence. I had a cousin who went through a situation like this, his mom left, no loving mother figure in his life. He put a bullet in his head at 17. Take care of this little guy. MAKE CERTAIN his self-esteem is HIGH, even go so far to create arrogance. It can always be tempered through the teens. Doing this will instill in your son the understanding that he is not alone, YOU are there for him, he can be scared sometimes, but YOU will not do anything to hurt him. he may not be able to have his mom, but YOU are his FATHER. YOU are his safety, YOU are his comfort. With that knowledge, he'll be ready to open up with a therapist. YOUR EX, what can I say , she seems like a shining example of emotional health, and an exemplary model of adulthood if I ever saw one. Can you say TOXIC? I was just as surprised when my wife took off. Just as confused. She's toxic to me, and now I'm seeing she's becoming toxic to my kids. They just don't want to go back there.MY advice, Journal EVERYTHING! Write down all contact she has with you or your son, record her new address, the "shape" of the environment she's in , get all the info about the situation as possible. Find an attorney and see what it would take to build a sole custody case w/ mom having visitation and support requirements. YOUR STRESS, NOT YOU. YOU ARE A FATHER, GA. I mean that for what it is, a very high compliment indeed I felt honored reading your post. Your strength of character in this situation is admirable. Are you mobile again? Was your car totalled? How are you handling the Medical bills? Do you have enough food? What time are you taking for yourself? It's like this, GA, you know when you're on an airplane and they tell you in the event of severe turbulence or cabin depressurization, the oxygen masks will fall? Don't they tell you to put yours on first and THEN take care of the kids? GA, you are in severe turbulence and the masks are down. If you want both of you to survive, nah f*ck that, to THRIVE, you have see to your own self, your own happiness, your own safety FIRST! You'll need a release for the anger, sadness, and stress. If not, you just can't be who you need to be for your kid. PM me anytime. your brother in arms, MA
MassiveAtom Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Pix}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Started to wonder where you'd gone.
Mz. Pixie Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 I'm here- I haven't seen you lately. Grey- how are you holding up hon?
Lil Honey Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 GreyArea: Awwww . . . is that you and your lil guy in your av? Too cute . . . Unfortunately, he is going through a LOT of stuff right now. He is getting closer to those terrible twos. The time in a lil person's life when they are finding out that they aren't the center of the universe, but they still think that they should be. I dunno . . . at 16 months, is he cutting teeth? That can be awful for him as well. It just plain hurts, they can have fevers, and can be just plain unhappy. Then there's the whole potty training thing . . . Compound that with his mom leaving and his sister leaving . . . his whole life has basically changed at a time when he can't understand any of it. I have to agree with the idea that you should try to get him and his sister together as much as possible. And can your family help out with his care? If G'ma, G'pa, aunts or uncles can spend time with him - or both of you - he will feel the love of more than one person (you). I believe that he needs to know that a LOT of people love him. He clings to you because he is afraid you will leave him. You have to (as someone stated) continuously tell him that you love him and that you will ALWAYS be there for him. There is no such thing as spoiling a child by telling him/her that he/she is loved. The spoiling comes in when they stand there a poor Koolaid on the carpet while you say, "No" and then there are no consequences . . .
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 Oh GreyArea, I am so sorry you are going through this. I have to say, though, I am taken aback by your strength-- I feel like I have gained strength by your example, and your dedication makes me feel optimistic for you. Yes, even though you are obviously at a low point, you have to give yourself credit for being an incredible person, and an incredible dad. MassiveAtom, you too are extraordinary. Let me tell you, Dude-- there is not ONE heterosexual woman who didn't swoon while reading your advice to GA!! The point I want to address: your troubles with the little one. So I'll quote you and then respond under the quote. Originally posted by GreyArea I'm alone, with a 16 month old boy who seems to be confused because his mother comes and goes when she pleases, or feels the urge to Jerk me around claiming she wants to work it out because she's not happy where she is... He has a serious temper, and it only worsens each time she shows her face and leaves again. I don't know how to handle this, I don't want to spoil him making it worse for me in the future, but I don't want him to feel unloved. I can't find the balance he needs to be content. He's a very loving child and is VERY clingy to me, but I don't want him to grow up this way.. .... .... He's so young that I can't explin what's going on, but he definetly knows its not right. I'm dying here, it's breaking me down to a point that I've considered sending him to live with his Grandparents, but at the same time feel that would only worsen things for him. I recently read much of a book about what goes on in the brain when people build attachments to each other. I summarized the book in two posts in another thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59367/ Please do check out that post. Without going into as much detail as in my other post, let me explain what this book makes me think is going on with your son: he had developed an attachment to his mother as an infant-- this kind of attachment involves communication between the limbic systems in the brains of the mother and infant. An infant literally NEEDS this bond to survive-- he physically learns to regulate his bodily rhythms (hunger, sleepiness, emotions, heart rate, body temperature, everything) based on the rhythms of the other person, in most cases, and probably here too, his mother. Take his mother away, and the little guy's whole physical and emotional system is out of whack. To give you a comparison you might be more familiar with, it's the same thing that happens to adults when they develop a deep romantic bond with someone, and suddenly have to be away from the person for a little while. They feel like they've lost a limb, like they can't eat, can't sleep, they alternate between intense emotion and listlessness. Only it's much worse for a baby-- physically, he needs that limbic bond more than an adult does; emotionally, he can not take even a little comfort in the knowledge that his mother will be back sometime. My guess is that this is what is happening to your little boy. This would explain why his temper gets worse everytime the ex comes and goes-- this is psychological, emotional, physical torture for him. (When she leaves, does he stop sleeping normally, eating normally? Does he get sick within days after she leaves?) I think what is best for him now would be to just keep your ex out of his life altogether, since it seems that she has no interest in being in his life permanently. (Can you get sole custody??) What he needs more than anything-- both physically and emotionally-- is to know that those who love him, those he is attached to, WILL be there for him ALWAYS. It doesn't matter whether it is his mother, father, grandparents-- it matters that he has some stability and constancy in his life. I don't think it matters how many people love him, it matters that SOMEONE loves him dearly, and is there for him EVERYDAY, touching, kissing, holding him, talking to him, playing with him. You have been the only person who has always been there, and I think it would kill him to lose you. Right now, you are the only person who can provide him with some stability. This is why he clings to you, GA, he DESPERATELY needs to cling to someone. I think that YOU should replace his mother and become the only person that he needs this limbic connection with. He needs physical closeness, physical touch with you as much and as often as possible. So hold him, touch him, tickle him, hug him OFTEN. MA suggested that you need to tell him you love him so often it could make him arrogant. Yes definitely do that, but at this stage of his life he's just learning to talk so touch means more than words. Let him sleep in your bed next to you if he seems more calm and secure there than in his own bed/crib. Hold him on your lap even while you do other things, like work on the computer, watch TV, or read. As for spoiling him-- don't worry about spoiling him! Giving him your love and your presence abundantly! Being always receptive and responsive to his physical, emotional, and social needs is what he needs more than anything. The more you give him in this regard, the better the chances he will become an emotionallly secure child, the better the chances that he will be confident in himself, able to do things for himself and able to ask for help when he needs it, AND the less needy and clingy he will be. Think of it like this: if he can feel that he is absolutely loved for always and in all circumstances, that you are ready to accept him, appreciate him, support him, care for him always and in all circumstances, then he will feel secure enough to let go of your hand-- he can let go because he is secure in the knowledge that when he does need you, all he will have to do is turn around and you'll be there ready and willing to give him whatever he needs-- encouragement, guidance, affection, etc. [This two is explained in the book I mentioned.] The only thing that would spoil him is if you let him get his way all the time, maybe out of guilt over all the loss and insecurity he has experienced so young. This would be a problem for two reasons. 1) It will not help him deal with insecurity and loss. 2) It will teach him the arts of manipulation. Letting him stay up late or have lots of toys will NOT help him deal with loss and become a secure, emotionally attuned, compassionate, well-adjusted person. In fact, it could make him an insecure, uncaring, agressive, manipulative adult. You don't have to feel bad if you can't afford to give him lots of toys-- ALL he needs from you is something more valuable than any tangible thing: your UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. As for counseling, yes, I think it is a good idea. Considering that he is still learning to talk though, might it be a little early? I don't know how young child therapy can begin. But I do think it is a GREAT idea to get advice from child psychologists. And I bet there is a lot available on single-parenting, healing from early child trauma, etc. in the self-help section of the book store. Best of luck to you, GA.
Author GreyArea Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 All these replies I hadn't seen... I'll catch up and respond when my son is down for bed
Tamed Wildflower Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Hey GreyArea, when you get a chance... let us know how the little girl is doing to. Is she adjusting to living with her biological father?
RecordProducer Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 GreyArea, I've been telling the story of my marriage all the time here so I will repeat it in short again. My ex-husband left me for the first time when I just got out of the hospital and our twins were two weeks old. I brought him back but he kept leaving. He left for the last time when they were 2 years and 4 months old. At that time I thought it was a nightmare I wanted to wake up from. I had no friends, no job, nothing except my mom and my children. But somehow I managed to make it on my own. Two years later I was already over him and comfortable with the new situation. I was glad he was out of my life. He kept seeing the kids very often. Here I am, 4 years later, I met the man of my life who loves my children and me. I always say "the divorce was the second best thing that happened to me ever". The differences between you and me are: 1. you're a man, I am a woman 2. You make good money, I didn't work 3. I had a mom around to help me I would suggest that you try and organize your life in order to be a successful single parent. You're a mess now, but when the water clears out, you will see that nothing is so tragic. You will get over your ex, your son will get used to the new situation, and your new way of life will bring you a lot of happiness no matter how unthinkable it seems to you at this moment. When a big negative change occurs against our will, we are at first very stressed and confused and don't know what to do. Everything seems pointless and we only feel depressed and want things to become as they were again. But sometimes it's better to move on. You will adjust to the new situation and in a year or two you'll be happy again, probably much happier than with her. Trust me! Just try to stay calm and be a good father to your kid. If you are cheerful and act as if nothing is wrong, he will accept your behavior as a model and feel good again. It's YOUR stress that makes the kid stressed too, which I completely understand. I was like that too. I was still in love and felt like dying. I wish someone could have told me then that my life was not only not over, but had just begun. My mom and I put the kids through a lot of stress only because WE were stressed. In fact, they never asked questions about why their father doesn't live with them. They were two years old and they accepted the situation the way it was. They never asked about other kids and their fathers, because they were seeing his father regularly. However, their father once got in a weird mood because he argued with my mom and didn't see them (or even call for their B/day) for 4.5 months. At that time they got really sad asking me if their dad will ever come and visit them. My heart was breaking to see them like that. I will never forgive him that. You should let your child see his mother whenever she wants, because if you don't, your son will resent you for that some day. You shouldn't stand in their way or talk against her in his presence. You know what my ex told me? "I didn't abandon my children, I abandoned YOU!" I wonder what people would say if I were the one who left HIM with two 2-year old kids, because I couldn't live with HIM anymore. I would be considered a monster, right? Those who abandon their kids are always guilty (unless their partners are total scum who they can't bear anymore...but then why leave the kids with total scum?!) He will realize what his mother is like sooner or later and he will resent her. YOU be the angel! Who takes care of the kid while you're working?
Tamed Wildflower Posted April 9, 2005 Posted April 9, 2005 Hey GA, how have things been goin' for ya?
Chris777 Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 My ex wife left right after our daughter turned 2. " Here I come, trying to be mister night in shining.." As sad as it is I guess some women are just drawn to the black knights like magnets, as apparently I was replusive for not being abusive, and trying to be supportive. I applaud you if you live alone with your son, I don't see how, anyone can get by as a single parent, financially, but i guess their are some that do get child support. "I come across a job in another city making a large chunk more than was I was making in my location at the time and decide to take it." How far do you now live from your family? or even hers (your exes) I am still on remarkably good terms with my ex wifes family (though they are really too far to offer much support) My ex wifes family lives approximately 60 miles away and a year or so after we split her and her bf at the time moved back up near the parents, and she has been there ever since (mostly) But if your family, or the maternal grandparents are near (and willing) they might be able to help. My daughter is clingy, but she only has half of her parents most of the time. We have a pretty good support system as we are living with my parents, but I realize thats not always possible. But the catch is..she didn't take the kids. She left my child with me and sent her other child(who I miss VERY much on a daily basis) to live with the biological father. I got to know him, by the way, turns out he's not as bad of a guy as she led me to beleive, on the surface at least.. same here I am now "chummy" with the 1st husband, but I can't say I like him, It is so strange, since she told me he was so abusive, yet since she is so unpredictable, he can say whatever he wants about her, and other than What she did to me i don't have any particular reason to doubt "his side" yet I have also caught him lying to me before as well. Just be glad if you can see your step daughter , I didn't get to see my step kids for a long time as their dad was constantly moving, and I personally wanted to let my ex wife deal with him, but since she has turned into the absentee parent we have had to deal with each other instead. He lets me take his kids to see their mom sometimes, (though I don't know if i would ever let him return the favor, as I just don't trust him with my child) I don't reccomend shipping your son off to his grandpartents, unless you just arent up to handling him yourself. I had buddies who told me to go out and find me another woman, and party and such, and I wasted the better part of 2 years clubbing, and considering i never enjoyed it, and it never was the type of person i am , It basically robbed me of seeing some of my daughters major steps, not to mention just the time i lost with her, and i was thecustodial parent. Trust me If you have a choice don't give up that baby, or you will regret it the rest of your life. the only thing i regret more Is not being responcible enough to choose a mate who was mature, dependable, and faithful. It especially stings when your dumped for human filth. But the biggest thing is the effect on my daughter. I am now a big opponent, of divorce. because i see the pain in my child it has brought her. I have been divorced since 97 and have only dated like 3 times. I am not going to put my daughter throug hanother divorce. If I meet a stable, mature woman, maby, but so far all i seem to run into is psychos. or victims. and i have had enough drama. and so has my daughter . "I'm alone, with a 16 month old boy who seems to be confused because his mother comes and goes when she pleases, or feels the urge to Jerk me around claiming she wants to work it out because she's not happy where she is... He has a serious temper, and it only worsens each time she shows her face and leaves again. I don't know how to handle this, I don't want to spoil him making it worse for me in the future, but I don't want him to feel unloved. I can't find the balance he needs to be content. He's a very loving child and is VERY clingy to me, but I don't want him to grow up this way.." honestly what choice do you have? I have been concerned the past 8 years of the effect on my daughter, and like you I have been told not to worry and all that psychiatric bs. your son doesn't need a shrink he needs a father. my daughter ocassionaly throws tantrums, and has crying spells, (but she will sometimes go 3 or 4 months without hearing from her mom too) All you can do is be there for your son, since you are all he has left. I know I will never be 2 parents , but I'll be damned if i don't try. Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation that could help me out? It may seem insane now ,but it will eventually calm down, like I said family can be a major help. If that is not available I suggest visiting some churches, if you are open to it, until you find one that you feel comfortable with. I myself am still looking, but people are often helpful, and sometimes it helps alot ot just vent. "I'm at my wits end dealing with him every day on top of being on call 24x7 365 and sometimes working 60+ hours a week. " Is their any way to cut back, or change jobs? I have had several people tell me to go back to school, or whatever, but I honestly feel that I did better at least for my daughter by being around for her instead of throwing myself into school. (especially after my clubbing days), but you sound exhausted, and i know from experience exhaustion can make you snappy sometimes. He's so young that I can't explin what's going on, but he definetly knows its not right. Go with your gut on it, thats what I did, I knew their would be problems down the road no matter what the soothsayers said. So I have tried to be available as much as possible for my child, cutting down on running around, and trying to spend as much time as i can with her. You are his father , and you know whats best for his welfare, even if you don't know exactly how to provide it, at least you are concerned ,and seeking a solution, rather than turning a blind eye to it, and pretending their isn't a problem. good luck, and try and slow things down if you can , they are right when they say time flys, Believe me don't miss any more that you have to away from your son.
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