boursin_cheese Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 Such a mess. Check my first post in Breakups and then in coping for brief history... Ha! Now I am in second chances already?? So here it is: Ex kept contacting me, randomly and enough that I really couldn't manage my emotions. After feeling his push-me-pull-you for the past month since our breakup, a week and a half ago, I plainly requested that he leave me alone. Said I needed space from him, did not want to hear from him, at least not for a good long while. What do you think happened? I'll bet all the men out there already know. He freaked. At first wrote me a letter accepting my request. Then wrote asking when and what would we be doing with our house (the one I'm living in). Then he wanted us to work together on switching bills, basically all the stuff I asked for when he walked out on me. Then he insisted that I take an allowance from him because he was such a shmuck last year. Erm, the $$ are sizeable but I can't bring myself to cash these checks. He's just sending them. Then he wanted to know what my time frame was for all of this and when I would be speaking with him again. At this point, I called him. He answered the phone and sounded, well he sounded like someone who'd been crying, but it was late-ish - 11.30 and I thought perhaps he had been sleeping and that was why he sounded funny. The conversation was very short. I said I had no time-frame, that I was trying to be direct with him. I did not want to talk, I wanted space and no contact for a while and that was all. Silence. I said bye and as I was hanging up I heard this plaintive "Thank you for calling me." Click. At 6 AM next day, there was a lengthy e-mail from him in my new account. The one I set up After he left... Went something like: He can't honor my request. He thinks he needs to talk with me. He never shut the door on our contact but I am shutting him down. My request has hurt him more than he could ever have expected. He misses his home. (meaning me) He said I've been his home for so long that this has been hard on him. He wants to come home and see me, our dogs and have his life back. He continued his rambling with a but he doesn't think there is any hope for us because he doesn't want a physical relationship anymore. But, yes another but, he is sad and lonely and depressed and wonders if he is making a mistake because the problems we had could be problems anyone has (not just specific to the two of us) and then he is basically screwing himself. He doesn't know what to do. And by the way, if the sex was better then he would be more than willing to try hard to work things out. He used to have very strong sexual desire for me but then he stopped feeling anything at all but please let's start talking again, even if it's just phone conversations but he doesn't know to what end. He just wants us to start talking. He loves me, cares and worries and wants us to talk. I'm editing it all down to be sure, but these were the basic points. Yes, this was the week of our would-have-been 7-year anniversary. No, I haven't responded. Yes, I'm feeling like the great and powerful Boursin-Cheese-Oz. It still sucks though. I have no idea of how to respond or when or what I should say. He is quite sincere. I have no doubt. Generally, I think he believes everything he says when he says it, and so I feel like I need to take everything he says at face when he says it in return. Why in the world would I want to try and salvage my relationship with him given that he is saying he isn't attracted to me anymore? Why should I want to respond to this. Knowing him as I do, this was a very heartfelt attempt on his part to speak openly, honestly and request a reprieve of sorts. He is obviously making an attempt to try... but try what exactly? Again, neither of us have ever cheated on the other. He's not gay. He just doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (though he is happy to sleep next to me). The love is there and it is strong on both sides. But I am not eager to jump in and say - yeah baby - let's talk. I'm not eager to return to the relationship that was now that I am informed. I would want improvements. I don't think the sex thing is insurmountable because I think it's his mental issue, not my attractiveness level, but I'm not going to tell him that is what I think because what would be the point of that? If his mind is made up, I don't think I can change it. OR is there something I can do to show respect, kindness, compassion and still say no I would prefer not to talk to you? My fervent wish would be for us to work this out. We love each other very much. But I don't think it can be one-sided and so I'm reluctant to even talk -- what would be the point? Please help... What do you all think? I'll need advice on what to say, how to say it and possibly even when to say it. I recognize that he is making an effort and I don't want to screw up a chance at future happiness here. At this time in the game, I'm not looking for a home-run, just looking to bunt...
upsetnhurt Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 I actually am quite saddened by the fact that he is not sexually attracted to you after all these years. Why are you even considering taking him back?
Author boursin_cheese Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 Quick background: he comes from one of those families where everything is perfect all the time and if you're angry or upset about something well then, that is abnormal... obviously that is not the norm for most people but let's just call it a weird New England family dynamic... We had sex before breakup -- had a miscarriage last year. Sorry to be blunt this way but gotta have sex to get pregnant (usually). IMHO, the problem is that he walks around so pissed off at me for any given thing (car blocked his car, I complained about something -- doesn''t matter what) and not expressing it, that it is getting in the way of the sex drive. Our largest sex organ is the brain right? So if the brain is unhappy, well, that impacts everything else. Now he is looking at things differently and taking responsibility for some things that are problems and acknowledging that some things just happen and aren't any one person's fault. And also remember, I contributed my fair share of everyday life crap. He's not 100% to blame for problems; he's just the one that packed it in and left. Trying to be fair. We *do* love each other and care for each other. It's significant to me that he is taking risk, expressing doubts and concerns about himself and asking hard questions... this is unusual for him. It's a step in the right direction. But then again, I'm not a man; what I think about why this is happening may not mean diddly, so please keep the feedback coming!
upsetnhurt Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 Makes a little more sense then. Maybe he is taking strides here yet let me tell you that you better be prepared for the long haul. If you take him back too soon he will just revert back to the angry guy he is and you will be miserable during and after when he leaves. Force him to see a counselor on his own and I'd say it should take lots of time (years) for him to become happy with himself. Are you prepared to wait?
Author boursin_cheese Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 I completely agree with you Upset -- about taking him back too quickly and you're right on target with the anger assessment. The time apart had been good for both of us, or at least for me. Though it wasn't what I wanted, I've learned a lot from the experience. I can see how falling into old behavior patterns could really mess both of us up despite good intentions. I'm not even rushing to respond to his request. I don't know what to say. I don't have any answers for him. I think I'm seeking some of those answers here. I don't want to tell him what to do or think in any way. I'm looking for ways to acknowledge what he says in a neutral manner or at least in a manner that doesn't make him feel threatened.
Recommended Posts