My Ex's Rebound Fell Flat

[elseaacych]

I don't know why I am even throwing this one out here, but I think I just want to get it off my mind. For those of you at home reading: focusing on your ex is definitely not the right thing to do after a break up, so do not try this at home.

 

So, a little history. My ex and I broke up almost a year ago. 3.25 year relationship, first loves, blah blah blah... we haven't talked since then, it's all good because he left and was in with another girl within 6 weeks of breaking up and was declaring his undying love for her and blah blah blah, he met her a few months prior to breaking up with me... blah blah blah...

 

Anyway, he got dumped between 6-8 months later because he was too needy. (HA!) So, anyway, my questions are on the nature of love:

 

-What happens when you are broken up with in the "honeymoon stage"?

--Compared to the "definitely long term relationship stage"?

-Have you ever dumped someone, left for someone who then ends up dumping you? What's that like?

-If applicable: did you do the opposite and dump your rebound?

 

Anyway, this is just mere curiosity, and I want to hear about your experiences.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I feel like there ought to be a law against dating your first partner for more than a year. Okay, I'm kidding, but I know way too many people who dated their first love for years, got engaged, broke up violently when one/both of them realized they were too young to know anything, and then they both became shattered human beings at the ripe old age of 23.

 

I'd prefer a honeymoon breakup for sure. It hurts more initially, but even in the honeymoon stage you're still your own person. By the time you're sharing a place and arguing over phone bills, your lives are so tightly intertwined that breakups become messy, months-long processes. There's also the humiliating part of explaining it to your friends, who have come to seen the two of you as an inseparable unit. I know unmarried couples who have actually waited to go public with their breakup because they were so embarrassed about it. It's kinda immature but I get it.

[todreaminblue]

i dated a guy and within the three month mark,i knew he wasnt right for me...so i ended it in i guess, what is called the honeymoon period we didnt really fight.....so yeah i ended it...we are still friends.....he calls me ......he has been with three women since me.....still calling me....his latest has lasted a month..i am happy for him.......

 

 

.i have been asked out and declined dates since i dated him

 

i prefer a long term relationship not short term ...if i cant see long term i dont date....

 

the guy before the three month one was a long term relationship that started as a rebound......fifteen year relationship......i then had a break for many years.....my rebound dumped me.......

 

what i feel is it doesnt really matter who dumps who who had a rebound and who didnt......or even how long you wait in between.....what matters is you put your all into the relationship you have not the ones in the past.....that includes honesty about whether it is going to work or not......as long as both peoples are honest...the relationship with flourish.....even if it has to end it will end with total understanding with both...not confusion and miscommunication...so honest communication is key i have found ....to develop, keep ....or end an unsuitable match..then it doesnt matter about exes or rebounds or what has happened before...every relationship should be given an opportunity to grow on its own merit.........deb

[me85]

Ha! KARMA!

 

I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't get all giddy and giggly if I heard my ex's RS ended. After all, he did leave me for the girl.

Edited September 19, 2014 by me85

[FeuFollet]

A long time ago, I was married to a beautiful woman who was extremely needy and borderline abusive when she didn't get her way. I felt unfulfilled in the relationship, and I left her (she put on a show of trying to kill herself to keep me, I'm such a catch) and went directly into another relationship.

 

Which failed. She left me for another guy. Who in turn left her for the fiancee he had waiting for him back home.

 

A big wheel of suffering.

 

Anyway. Yes, rebounds do not tend to work out. It does give one some satisfaction, but it is ultimately pointless and has nothing to do with your life now.

 

Still... very satisfying...

[ExpatInItaly]

A break-up in the honeymoon stage hurts for a little while, but passes quickly, in my experience.

 

A long-term break-up hurts a lot more and takes more time to recover from. However, I once left a long-term partner many months after our relationship had essentially died. I know my ex thought I moved on quickly to the next guy and that it was a rebound, but that wasn't the case. In my mind, I'd already detached from my ex and had very little romantic feelings left. When I finally matured enough and grew the cojones to leave and not lead him one anymore, I really had already put that relationship to bed. (Yes, I was young and selfish and immature then) I ended up staying with my supposed rebound for close to 8 years (3 years longer than with my ex).

 

I tell this story because recovery time and the period it takes to move on to a new relationship it entirely depends on the nature of the relationship and the person's emotional investment in it.

 

I'm curious - how do you know so much about your ex's relationship status and why she broke up with him?

[elseaacych]

A break-up in the honeymoon stage hurts for a little while, but passes quickly, in my experience.

 

A long-term break-up hurts a lot more and takes more time to recover from. However, I once left a long-term partner many months after our relationship had essentially died. I know my ex thought I moved on quickly to the next guy and that it was a rebound, but that wasn't the case. In my mind, I'd already detached from my ex and had very little romantic feelings left. When I finally matured enough and grew the cojones to leave and not lead him one anymore, I really had already put that relationship to bed. (Yes, I was young and selfish and immature then) I ended up staying with my supposed rebound for close to 8 years (3 years longer than with my ex).

 

I tell this story because recovery time and the period it takes to move on to a new relationship it entirely depends on the nature of the relationship and the person's emotional investment in it.

 

I think this is an accurate assessment. My ex had a pretty long period to detach from me. He had been detaching for a while, the relationship was essentially over when he met the new girl, and waited until it was convenient to actually move on. So what was, two months, minimum, could very well have been six months. I don't know. It just was rough near the end.

 

But it is important for dumpees to acknowledge that "moving on so quickly" isn't moving on very quickly at all, if you're being intellectually honest about the demise of your relationship.

 

I'm curious - how do you know so much about your ex's relationship status and why she broke up with him?

 

Because my younger brother still runs in the same social circles as my ex does. And within this social circle my ex is a regular source of gossip because he is a hot mess. My little bro thought it would be a good idea to give me this particular update to be a confidence boost of sorts. I didn't ask for the update, but for a few days after, I was immensely giddy. FYI: I am not looking to engage my ex AT ALL.

 

The reason I am asking these questions is that I see posts from people newly out of relationships with posts showing roughly the same level of despair. Of course it can't last as long, but I think ChimpanA-to-ChimpanZ's comment was very insightful. Having your own sense of self, at the end of a short term relationship, or being able to redevelop your sense of self, at the end of a long term relationship contributes greatly to your speed of recovery.

 

On another note, I read women's interest magazines, and they regularly encourage getting in new relationships immediately following breakups. Falling in love and being in love is an excellent feeling. At the same, with the previous comments in mind, bouncing from intense relationship to intense relationship does not seem to allow one to develop that sense of self: from being "X's partner", to "Y's partner" six weeks later wouldn't allow you to re-integrate yourself with your identity as "one whole human being," regardless of if you are alone, or in another partnership.

 

Thoughts?

Edited September 19, 2014 by elseaacych

[No Limit]

Breaking up during the honeymoon stage is quite painful when the dumpee was about to develope feelings and go at it in earnest.

 

 

Their problem though. If you have to learn the hard way, go and get your pain. Nothing better to get them back to the ground than a good old "broken heart".

[Natsu21]

Elsa...let it go. (Frozen music starts playing)

 

I know you got a lot of questions. My ex's new fling dumped her. She still didn't come back to me.

 

She got dumped again...after a while I didn't want her.

 

I know, just sometimes...reasoning is pointless.