Question about how I behave during disagreements

[Emilia]

I think she feels disconnected when I am processing things. At least, she tells me she does. I have to be clearer about telling her that I still care about her and that I just need some thinking time.

I also think that you need to learn a productive way to show anger rather than be scared of it. Anger shows the other person that you care about the relationship. I've learned over the years that rational and logical all the time don't necessarily cut it.

[heartshaped]

I think she feels disconnected when I am processing things. At least, she tells me she does. I have to be clearer about telling her that I still care about her and that I just need some thinking time.

 

I'm going to be frank. I just don't think going off to "process" things is a healthy way of dealing with things.

 

It sounds like what happens is you shut down and shut your partner out.

 

Even if you come back however long later and want to talk about things, the above is never healthy.

[Fondue]

I also think that you need to learn a productive way to show anger rather than be scared of it. Anger shows the other person that you care about the relationship. I've learned over the years that rational and logical all the time don't necessarily cut it.

 

I don't like to be angry. I am afraid of hurting people. Emotionally or otherwise.

 

Whenever I do get angry (and I am by myself), I usually will just scream very loudly or hit something. If I am with someone, I have to leave and process. Like I said, I will never do anything to harm another person. So I want to completely negate that possibility.

 

Lately though, I have been playing a lot of tennis. On a daily basis. I have noticed that if I am angry (work stress, usually), I take it all out on the court/wall. It has been therapeutic. But I simply won't allow myself to be angry in front of a person. Maybe if I get into an argument with my girl, I should just destroy her in a game. Hahahahahaha.

[Fondue]

I'm going to be frank. I just don't think going off to "process" things is a healthy way of dealing with things.

 

It sounds like what happens is you shut down and shut your partner out.

 

Even if you come back however long later and want to talk about things, the above is never healthy.

 

Do you prefer to get into an argument and say things that you might not mean?

 

This forum is a perfect example of that. You constantly see threads about people getting into fights and then saying their partner misunderstood them, or they said something they shouldn't have and are asking for advice.

[heartshaped]

Do you prefer to get into an argument and say things that you might not mean?

 

This forum is a perfect example of that. You constantly see threads about people getting into fights and then saying their partner misunderstood them, or they said something they shouldn't have and are asking for advice.

 

No, not at all. But I believe there's a medium between walking away and acting out.

 

And judging from your post directly before this one, it doesn't sound like you've found a healthy way of dealing with your anger at all. Sounds like you're just hiding out because you don't trust yourself to be able to keep a lid on your temper and that is worrying to say the least.

[preraph]

Don't you think that once you get used to the type of issues that come up and with your experience of having dealt with similar things before you wouldn't have to take so long to think it all through? I mean, example, "Honey, I asked you to do the dishes" and then a week later "I need some help with the housework," and assuming you either don't do it promptly or never want to, well, that's the same issue and once you know what you think about it, how does that take a week to figure out? Maybe it would help to pre-think various scenarios so you're ready to issue a verdict when the time comes.

 

One thing I will say is that if you ever feel like really exploding, yes, do leave the house until you have yourself back under control, and if it's an anger problem, take an anger management course to understand what is really going on with you and that it's not about her, if that is the case. Or if she has an anger problem, same thing.

[Emilia]

I don't like to be angry. I am afraid of hurting people. Emotionally or otherwise.

 

Whenever I do get angry (and I am by myself), I usually will just scream very loudly or hit something. If I am with someone, I have to leave and process. Like I said, I will never do anything to harm another person. So I want to completely negate that possibility.

 

Lately though, I have been playing a lot of tennis. On a daily basis. I have noticed that if I am angry (work stress, usually), I take it all out on the court/wall. It has been therapeutic. But I simply won't allow myself to be angry in front of a person. Maybe if I get into an argument with my girl, I should just destroy her in a game. Hahahahahaha.

When anger is managed well, it's healthy. It's not necessarily lashing out, acting out, hurting. It's a natural emotion felt due to anxiety or fear (for loss of a relationship, for example).

 

My ex is like you in some ways and it makes me sad that he struggles with holding it all in while I'm outspoken.

 

I mean, I feel sadness now about it, at the time I didn't understand why he closed himself off so much and why he went so quiet. It seemed so unnatural too. I could tell that he was struggling.

Edited September 21, 2014 by Emilia

[Els]

I was considering this, but I have to figure out a way to bring it up. I think it's a bit of an awkward thing to ask outright.

 

Besides, we're 3000 miles apart right now. I would prefer to discuss it face to face (not Skype). I was there when I was helping her move from NYC to LA two weeks ago. I'll be going there again in 2 more weeks and hopefully permanently this time. If this next trip is not my permanent one, maybe I will bring it up then.

 

Okay, fair enough.

 

I really, really like this idea. I was already going to get an apartment with a spare bedroom for multi-purposes, but now this solidifies it. Thank you. I think this'll work.

 

That's totally cool, right? If I need some time to myself, I can retreat to this man-cave and process my stuff. No?

I agree with getting a spare bedroom (aside from this issue, having a spare room is always a nice luxury if you can afford it), but that doesn't solve the issue entirely for you. Spending three days in the spare bedroom is still an excessively long time IMO.

[Fondue]

Thanks for all the replies, LS.

 

I actually asked her about this over a skype session last night. We spoke briefly about it and she pretty much said what all of you said earlier in this post.

 

If(when, really) argument/disagreement/issues arise, she's requesting that I first tell her that I care about her and that I need some space/time.

 

And I cam understand that... And definitely think I can do it. I suppose she doesn't want to feel abandoned/unloved or feeling anxious about what I might be thinking about her/relationship and whatever.

 

Thanks again for the advice!

[evanescentworld]

Thanks for all the replies, LS.

 

I actually asked her about this over a skype session last night. We spoke briefly about it and she pretty much said what all of you said earlier in this post.

........ I suppose she doesn't want to feel abandoned/unloved or feeling anxious about what I might be thinking about her/relationship and whatever.

...

No. That's not it.

She is frustrated that she has to wait until YOU are ready to discuss something, when YOU want to discuss it, and not kindly oblige her in her time.

It's actually infuriating to be forced and obliged to hold one's tongue, and not be able to lay the cards on the table immediately.

It's a form of control, and can be disrespectful. You may not realise it, but it is.

 

To the person who is ready to talk immediately, it's a way of being told "Your arguments don't concern me at this moment, and i will not give you the time of day. I will discuss this when I am ready, and when I want to, not when you are ready, and when you want to."

 

Who's she going to discuss this with, if you force her to temporary silence? Thin air?

 

That's how it comes over, although that may be far from the intended message you are actually meaning to convey.

 

It still means, whatever your intentions, that she has to wait around for you.

 

There is no reassurance needed.

Compromise is better.

You have to find common ground which will suit you both.

Retreating to a man-den in your home, is still controlling the situation to your total advantage, and leaving her "grrrrr!"-ing in frustration.

[yololin]

You need to become more comfortable with anger. More in touch with your feelings and develop more mechanisms to deal with your emotions.

 

I knew an international diplomat once. His lesson was. No matter what. Never lose your cool. When you've lost your cool, you've lost the argument, even if you have valid points. You have lost control of yourself. Imagine diplomats and polititians freaking out and walking out of interviews every time they are under pressure. That is what kids do.

 

Afind a way to deal with things in the moment. Life won't wait for you to calm down all the time.

[Fondue]

No. That's not it.

She is frustrated that she has to wait until YOU are ready to discuss something, when YOU want to discuss it, and not kindly oblige her in her time.

It's actually infuriating to be forced and obliged to hold one's tongue, and not be able to lay the cards on the table immediately.

It's a form of control, and can be disrespectful. You may not realise it, but it is.

 

To the person who is ready to talk immediately, it's a way of being told "Your arguments don't concern me at this moment, and i will not give you the time of day. I will discuss this when I am ready, and when I want to, not when you are ready, and when you want to."

 

Who's she going to discuss this with, if you force her to temporary silence? Thin air?

 

That's how it comes over, although that may be far from the intended message you are actually meaning to convey.

 

It still means, whatever your intentions, that she has to wait around for you.

 

There is no reassurance needed.

Compromise is better.

You have to find common ground which will suit you both.

Retreating to a man-den in your home, is still controlling the situation to your total advantage, and leaving her "grrrrr!"-ing in frustration.

So what do you suggest?

 

You're telling me things need to be discussed immediately. I am saying I am not comfortable with that and prefer time to process.

 

Clearly it is one or the other. There is talk now, or talk later. What kind of compromise falls between there? She talks now, I talk later? That sounds silly...

 

Honestly, I'm looking for advice. I am not just blowing you/your post off.

 

You need to become more comfortable with anger. More in touch with your feelings and develop more mechanisms to deal with your emotions.

 

I knew an international diplomat once. His lesson was. No matter what. Never lose your cool. When you've lost your cool, you've lost the argument, even if you have valid points. You have lost control of yourself. Imagine diplomats and polititians freaking out and walking out of interviews every time they are under pressure. That is what kids do.

 

Afind a way to deal with things in the moment. Life won't wait for you to calm down all the time.

I think you misunderstood. I will try to review it quickly. I don't get angry in front of people. I avoid this. I am a calm/collected individual and try to show that as much as possible.

 

That is exactly why I prefer to choose to deal with things by myself before I deal with anyone else. I resolve things internally before I resolve it with the other person on an interpersonal level.

 

It has nothing to do with being in a heated debate and getting upset at each other. I have never had this with my girlfriend. There has never been anything close that.

 

It is usually a misunderstanding that occurs and one of us gets upset over it. It isn't immediately discussed. I review it all in my head, try to understand what went wrong from both sides, resolve it internally, then get back to her about it. At this point I already know what I will say, I already know what SHE will say, and how we go about solving the issue.

 

THis has been working since we met each other. Our relationship has been great. The thing is, we never lived together. Usually at these disagreements, we spent time apart. Now that I will be living with her, I need a new plan. That's why I asked this forum.

[evanescentworld]

So what do you suggest?

 

You're telling me things need to be discussed immediately. I am saying I am not comfortable with that and prefer time to process.

 

Clearly it is one or the other. There is talk now, or talk later. What kind of compromise falls between there? She talks now, I talk later? That sounds silly...

 

Honestly, I'm looking for advice. I am not just blowing you/your post off.

 

"Ok, *GF's name* you know what I'm like - I tend to go away, consolidate my thoughts and settle them into some kind of sense.

Please give me a short time to move away from this - I want to discuss it with you and hear what you have to say - and I know it's valid, because I feel I have a valid point too. How about we revisit this in couple of hours?"

 

That gives you more than enough time to just stop and think, focus and concentrate on precisely what the issue is.

But it's soon enough for her to still be able to discuss the matter CURRENTLY.

You could also google 'The Speaker/Listener technique.'

But ideally, to begin with, you should have a third person to make sure you two use it effectively.