Going crazy

[JenniC]

Hi guys,

 

I'm not sure if this is the right place because it bridges between professional life and personal life. Feel free to move this post if you know where it should be,

 

So, I moved to a new city a year ago to do post grad studies. I moved with my boyfriend and we had a lot of issues which needed resolving, which often only got worse as time carried on. For instance, he decided that we would both quit smoking and now I have to pretend that I don't smoke - I KNOW it's unhealthy but you can't make someone quit. And no, it wasn't due to health reasons...I see this smoking/not smoking as a metaphor for a bigger issue. He demands, it happens, I can't manage it, so I have to pretend else he'll fly off the handle. He literally told me he would move out if I smoked.

 

Anyway, we moved here last year. I've worked for 10 months; the other 2 I was unemployed after being fired, because I wouldn't do something against health and safety. BF tells me that he paid for everything during this period. Not true, he had no job aside from a bit of piano playing which just about got his half of the rent. Yet now he tells me that he paid my half of everything. He didn't, I had severance pay which I fought for, and my dad gave up his rent so I could keep our flat.

 

After a while, I got a new job. I'm an admin at a small company. Treated like garbage for minimum wage, to a point that I can no longer take.

 

My post-grad work is finished, and I have nothing else to look forward to, except a better job, which given this climate, isn't happening any time soon.

 

BF finally got a job. He earns a LOT now, and instead of being thankful for it and thankful to me for paying for everything, finding us a nice new home, cleaning, etc. he now says that I'm lazy and not puling my weight.

 

I work 9 hour shifts 6 days a week. Until last week I was doing a heavy post-grad course, too. My hard work has afforded him the ability to focus on nothing but his course and live like a student, not a 28 year old man with responsibilities. He works 5 days a week for 8 hours, and has the weekend off - I work all of Saturday and yet come home, and he's in bed and the house is messy.

 

He doesn't clean often - when he does, it takes him 4 hours to do a 1 hour job. Yet if he comes home and I've not washed dishes, etc. he says I'm lazy, sloppy, not keeping up my end of the bargain.

 

He finds fault with my tone of voice. He reads things into scenes that just aren't there. He's not ALWAYS like this but I need him to change. I'm tired of walking on egg shells.

I'm tired of it being turned back around on to me.

 

I'd leave but I don't think I want to, I'm not sure. Besides, I can't pay full rent on my wage, along with bills and everything else. I can't move, either. I live 5 mins from work and can't drive, or afford a cab every day, so moving further away isn't an option.

 

I'd go home and be with my family but they're moving here next year, anyway. I may as well wait it out. He also doesn't want them coming here, even though my dad is ill and that's why he's moving to be closer.

 

I don't know what to do. My job makes me so miserable, my relationship is boring (he only talks about his great achievements, compliments me and then puts me down) and fraught, and I have no friends here because I've had no time to make any.

 

Does anyone know what I should do? I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

I think my last thread on here last year gave some insight onto my current relationship. It's here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/450021-boyfriend-leaves

Edited September 18, 2014 by JenniC

[stillafool]

Advertise for a roommate and move out. There are other women (more than likely) who want to share an apartment with another woman.

[d0nnivain]

Ignore the BF & concentrate on finding a new job. Once you get that aspect of your life worked out it will be easier to deal with him. Since he thinks your lazy, enlist his help with the new job search since he seems to think it's so easy to find a better position.

 

I hope your dad gets better.

 

Meanwhile keep a log somewhere of the chores you do, especially if it's something that he benefits from too. Throw that back in his face next time he says you aren't pulling your weight.

[CarrieT]

He finds fault with my tone of voice. He reads things into scenes that just aren't there. He's not ALWAYS like this but I need him to change. I'm tired of walking on egg shells.

I'm tired of it being turned back around on to me.

This is the part that struck me. The relationship is over when something like another's voice is annoying and the other feels obligated to change.

 

I hate to say it, but start saving like crazy and figure out a way to get out of there as soon as possible. Talk to your family about long-term solutions. Maybe going back home or having them help you until they arrive.

[JenniC]

Thank you all so much for the quick replies.

 

You're all right. I know that this is a bad situation, and I knew that I wasn't imagining that I was being treated badly, as he likes to tell me when I point it out.

 

I'd love to get a female roomie but I've only got one bedroom. The flat's small, but in a really great area. The city itself is really bad.

 

I'll be keeping a log of the chores and I'm going to start saving, whilst looking for a better job. This isn't the relationship I wanted or thought I had.

 

I moved here for him, too. I was going to take post-grad studies at home and look after my family with the little job I had there. I'd have got funding for my studies at home, too.

 

I just don't know how to speak to him when he gets nasty with me. I have tried EVERY way of responding, but it always ends with him storming off and hours of nasty texts, then him coming back and demanding apologies. He keeps saying he's going to leave me alone here now that he's got money, too. It's a threat, and I know that's all, but it doesn't make it right.

 

How should I respond to his moods?

 

P.S. My dad's not got a lot of money at all because he's unemployed because of his heart, so I couldn't get help there. He'd give it but he'd be ill because his bills would go unpaid. I also don't want to tell him about my problems because while we're close and we always talk, I don't want him getting ill again with his heart.

Edited September 18, 2014 by JenniC

[stillafool]

 

I'd love to get a female roomie but I've only got one bedroom. The flat's

small, but in a really great area. The city itself is really bad.

 

 

No, I meant you move out and in with a woman as a roommate. People advertise for roommates all the time. I'd also advise you to get a second job and save that money to move out on. Also having a second job will give you time away from him and his nasty attitude.

Edited September 18, 2014 by stillafool

[JenniC]

No, I meant you move out and in with a woman as a roommate. People advertise for roommates all the time.

 

Ohh, sorry. I thought you meant the other way around!

 

I would do, and this may be pride talking, but the flat I've built is so lovely. It's small, 5 minutes from work, in a gorgeous area (which took a lot of effort and I have a DEAL on rent - a bedsit in a bad area here is more expensive), and I have all of the furniture my Dad bought for our old home when I was a kid and gave to me when I left home.

 

Pride again - why should I be forced out of my beautiful little place by someone who doesn't even wash his own socks? =/

 

I'd go with the second job but 9 hours a day 6 days a week is really all that I can cope with before I crack. I could try doing some online teaching, though. I used to private tutor kids when I lived at home.

[d0nnivain]

When he's in the moods, do not respond to the texts. If he yells you lower your voice. Do not try to yell louder. If he's insufferable you simply quietly repeat, I will speak to you when you can be civil.

[JenniC]

When he's in the moods, do not respond to the texts. If he yells you lower your voice. Do not try to yell louder. If he's insufferable you simply quietly repeat, I will speak to you when you can be civil.

 

Thank you. I'll repeat this to myself when he comes back. He's due home in about an hour - it's 10pm here and he's gone to the pub with work-mates. I've cleaned up, but I just know he'll find fault with something. Yet if I asked him to kindly take out the bin, it would be a monologue of how exhausted he is and how unfair I'm being...

[d0nnivain]

Good luck. It sounds like you are going to need it tonight.

[JenniC]

Good luck. It sounds like you are going to need it tonight.

 

I really think I am. Thank you so much. I honestly appreciate it; I haven't spoken to anyone about this.

[JenniC]

He's on his way home. I'll respond to any comments tomorrow - turns out that I have a day off! Silver linings, and all of that jazz.

 

Thank you all so much for responding to this. It means a lot to me.