Toodaloo Posted September 19, 2014 Posted September 19, 2014 Toodaloo, and I’m very sorry to hear what you’ve gone through Don't be - I am not. I don't need sympathy and I am not telling you this because I feel sorry for myself. I very rarely discuss this these days. I am only doing so now because you seem nice and I don't want you to get hurt. It was horrible. It was the worst. But it was also some of the best times - I will never regret it. Thats my point. Even if it all goes wrong - it will never leave you. He has a daughter. It will impact greatly on your life whether you want it to or not. I will heed your advice carefully. Please do. I am a "battleaxe". I am the kind of gal that mends her own roof. If one of my pets is terminally sick/ injured I will get the gun and shoot it myself if I have to. I have broken the necks on deer that have been run over and are damaged beyond repair. I am "hard", more so than most women. If it can break me - it can break others, I don't want others to suffer the way I did. My grandfather died 2 years ago (suddenly, from a heart attack, he wasn’t sick), and my grandmother (age 79) says that little things still get her crying and reminded of him. Sorry but this is a completely different set of issues. They had a life time together. They had time. Your Beau had that stolen from him at what is a young age. Your Grandmothers children and grandchildren have all grown. They have seen that together. This woman will not see her child grow to be an adult nor will she meet her grandchildren. The grief your Grandmother is going through is VERY different. He has to grieve the loss of the past as well as the future. Depending on how she died also the guilt. The classic "If only I had been driving that day" or "if only I had remembered to pick up milk on the way home"... "If only I had made her go to the doctor sooner"... It can't be compared in any way shape or form. You seem really nice. I really do hope this works out for you but please protect yourself. I think it is a good idea to check that he is discussing your dates with his counsellor. I would be worried if he isn't. Good luck.
carhill Posted September 19, 2014 Posted September 19, 2014 Yes, they are still in it. I wonder if his counselor knows about the date. It's entirely possible and perhaps one impetus for how things have played out, if my experiences in counseling are any indicator. In any event, good luck on the date!
Author browneyes88 Posted September 20, 2014 Author Posted September 20, 2014 So we talked a little tonight on Facebook. I didn't cut and paste the entire conversation, but this was more or less what he said: I want you to know something. I appreciate all you've done for me and XXXXX (daughter) the last few months. I can't thank you enough, and it just reaffirms everything I already knew about what an awesome person you are. But before we go out tomorrow, I want you to know that I didn't ask you out because you helped us get through our loss. It's not because I'm trying to find a replacement wife, or replacement mother for XXXXX. I asked you out for one reason and one reason only: because you're one of the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, and interesting women I've ever met, and I really like you a lot. It sounds like he's trying to address the "rebound" concerns ahead of time. Maybe not what I would expect, but he is a very direct person who doesn't mince words, and that works out well, since I am too.
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 20, 2014 Posted September 20, 2014 So we talked a little tonight on Facebook. I didn't cut and paste the entire conversation, but this was more or less what he said: I want you to know something. I appreciate all you've done for me and XXXXX (daughter) the last few months. I can't thank you enough, and it just reaffirms everything I already knew about what an awesome person you are. But before we go out tomorrow, I want you to know that I didn't ask you out because you helped us get through our loss. It's not because I'm trying to find a replacement wife, or replacement mother for XXXXX. I asked you out for one reason and one reason only: because you're one of the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, and interesting women I've ever met, and I really like you a lot. It sounds like he's trying to address the "rebound" concerns ahead of time. Maybe not what I would expect, but he is a very direct person who doesn't mince words, and that works out well, since I am too. That sounds promising. At first when I started reading it I thought he was going to say he's not looking for a relationship (when he said he's not looking for a replacement), but when I saw the second paragraph it sounds a lot like he IS interested in something more than one date with you. He's trying to reassure you that he is interested in you for you, not because he feels obliged to spend time with you due to all you've done for him. Just be wary that he might not even know or understand his own feelings at this stage, he might be full of good intentions but end up caught off guard by how he feels, and the grief, at some point. Take it slow. It really might end up being a rebound even if neither of you intend or want that. Sorry to sound like such a doom merchant, I really hope it works out with you. Just I've worked with people who've been through bereavements, been through one myself, and had friends who've lost their partners very prematurely like this, so I'm aware it's a very complex situation to navigate with so many unknowns. However, I wish you all of the best and everyone's different so you never know. Keep us posted won't you!
Diezel Posted September 20, 2014 Posted September 20, 2014 It's been 2 years since my father lost his wife. For the first year, he could hardly even fathom the idea of trying to go out with someone else. By year 2, he could, but nothing terribly serious. He gets flashbacks of her and will compare any woman he goes out with to her. They were married for 16 years, so that's quite the history. My point is, right now you are helping to ease the pain and it's new and exciting, but you need to tread very carefully. He might be with you because he does like you, but he might be with you because you are soothing his grieving process, or he might be with you because it came that easily. Either way, YOU need to be VERY careful about YOU before worrying about anyone else. For me, 6 months would be too quick, but one never knows what another person truly feels and when they are ready. Only he knows. But you need to take care of what you do know, and that's yourself.
Author browneyes88 Posted September 20, 2014 Author Posted September 20, 2014 I will be careful. Thanks!
Author browneyes88 Posted November 11, 2014 Author Posted November 11, 2014 Hi everyone, I wanted to stop in and thank everyone again for the help. We're still dating, and now exclusively. Things are going pretty well overall, although we had a "weird" moment this past weekend. We were sitting on his back porch, his daughter was asleep upstairs. We'd both had a few drinks at this point. When I drink too much, my insecurities sometimes come out. I started asking him "are you sure I'm not just a rebound"? He said no, a few times. I said "but how do you really know"? He replied "well, just trust me. I can't tell you, because it would probably make you think a lot less of me". He then said "The truth is, I was interested in you when XXXXX (his wife) was still alive, back when we worked together. I even had fantasies about you. I never thought in a million years that we'd end up together, and here we are. I hate even thinking this, because it makes me feel like I'm completely disrespecting XXXXX admitting this to myself and to you". We talked a bit more the next day, sober, and agreed that we may have had a little mutual attraction way back when, but at the time, never acted on it, and what happened to his wife was a horrible thing that neither of us could have imagined in a million years. It was a fantasy and never would have been more than that. I understand how he can feel that somehow, he's betraying her, not so much by dating me now, but by admitting he too had some level of feelings for me while she was alive. He then told me he loved me, and I said it back. We're OK at the moment, but I have concerns about how he will deal with this. I explained to him that I don't think any less of him knowing that, and that I even suspected it but figured it was just my own feelings talking. Any advice?
Author browneyes88 Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 So no problems since the other day. Maybe I was worried about nothing.
CarrieT Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 We're OK at the moment, but I have concerns about how he will deal with this. I explained to him that I don't think any less of him knowing that, and that I even suspected it but figured it was just my own feelings talking. Any advice? How he will deal with it - or should deal with it - is to continue talking about it as needed, but not to dwell on it. Acknowledging that he has some residual guilt is fine as long as it does not become an Elephant in the Room to your relationship. Otherwise, I am pleased it has been progressing well.
Author browneyes88 Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 How he will deal with it - or should deal with it - is to continue talking about it as needed, but not to dwell on it. Acknowledging that he has some residual guilt is fine as long as it does not become an Elephant in the Room to your relationship. Otherwise, I am pleased it has been progressing well. That makes sense, and it seems he is doing that. There doesn't seem to be any elephant in the room.
Author browneyes88 Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 I wanted to give an update and thank everyone for the great advice! We are still dating, and are getting pretty serious. We communicate well, and any issues we have are just like any other couple, and don't appear to be related to his loss of his wife. We still have our own lives, and he is very respectful of my need for alone time and time with friends, and I am the same of his need for time alone with his daughter etc. March 3 is the one year anniversary of her death. I am prepared for it to be a difficult day for him. 2
Recommended Posts