BlueHeavens Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 Hi, all. I need a sounding board. I met a guy about 6 weeks ago who seems essentially "perfect" for me "on paper"....but I'm not terribly excited about him or very into him at all. What the heck is up with that?!! One of my friends asked me what I liked about him and, off the cuff, all I could think of was the nice things he does for me. THAT does not seem right. After quite a bit of thinking, I could say I like his strong work ethic, his highly intelligent and responsible job, his feeling of responsibility for his parents. He is OK looking, but certainly not HOT (and I think a major part of my problem with that is a dental issue that I just can't seem to get past.) I never thought I was a superficial person until this came along. Why do I think he's perfect "on paper"? He is a very smart and successful guy. He has good friends that he spends time with. It appears that he has a normal relationship with his family. He likes cats. He has a good work ethic. He has some fun/wild hobbies (he is a pilot, though he doesn't fly for a living) He appreciates the fact that I am a successful girl who takes care of herself. He writes these sensitive introspective emails that I can't believe come from a guy. He brings me chocolate and lovely gifts the likes of which I've never received before (and frankly, that makes me feel guilty!!!) We've been out on 7 dates and he seems like he's very stubborn about traditional roles...wants to pay for everything, etc. I don't always like that because for some reason it makes me feel obligated to do...something...I don't know what. Just bothers me. I just think that CHEMISTRY is missing or not very strong for me. He likes to reach out and touch me now and then and I sure never think of doing that. I usually DON"T look forward to a kiss (due to this dental issue...how can you be the vice pres of a large company and be missing a front tooth? And why does it bother me so very much?)...and I don't look forward to spending time with him. But when I do, I enjoy myself. He sometimes seems awkward or shy or unnatural in social situations, and I don't know why. My nicely jaded gut says that he does nice things for me because he wants me to think he is a nice guy...that he does it for effect, not "just because". I think my gut actually wants to keep any relationship rather casual or not serious right now because for some reason I am still trying to sort out things from the past...maybe? Heck. I can't figure it out. HELP!!! What is going on here? Why can't I see it?
moimeme Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 A person is more than a shopping list of desirable qualities. Do you enjoy his company? Do you enjoy talking to him? Do you look forward to spending time with him? If someone bores you to tears or isn't pleasant company for you, no amount of 'on paper' checkmarks will bond you. And if you found him utterly delightful, I'm guessing even a missing tooth (he could be waiting for the bridge to be finished) wouldn't keep you from kissing him as long as the rest of his teeth are clean and there's no gum disease smell.
LeeeLee Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 Sorry to say, but I would dump him!!! If you are just starting out and you are not attracted to him, you never will be!!!!!!!!!! don't string him along and both of you move on....Looks aren't everything but you have to be attracted somewhat, if his personality isn't that attractive either get OUT! good luck
d'Arthez Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 There are more guys out there who can write introspective emails , but of course that is not the issue you have. It seems the greatest problem lies in his traditional values. Probably they are a bit too traditional for you. Could he even prefer in a woman that she remained at home? Are you afraid that he is looking for a trophy-wife, and you don't want to be one? Furthermore he is too much trying to impress you. Certain hobbies of him are at odds with his behavior, and the way he tries to win you over. His piloting is at odds with his awkwardness and shyness. How come you enjoy the time with him? Is it 'bought' enjoyment, or truly deep personal enjoyment? But can you observe him in interaction with other people, for example waiters, or strangers on the street? If he truly is a nice guy, he is a nice guy towards everybody, and not just to the lady of whom he tries to win her heart. And if the chemistry is not there, you cannot create that out of thin air. So I can't advice you with any certainty, but usually the gut is right. So keep it casual
Author BlueHeavens Posted March 5, 2005 Author Posted March 5, 2005 I totally hear you. I realize that a list just scratches the surface. What I am seeing on the surface, aside from the tooth, is very acceptable. I don't know if he is funny enough...and I think there is a link to that darned tooth. Every time he starts to laugh, he stops right away and puts his hand over his mouth, I think to conceal the missing tooth. Imagine. It's like snuffing a candle every time it starts to glow. It's almost sad. And I looooove to laugh. It's the best thing ever to me. Even better, and this is saying something, than chocolate. He is perfectly pleasant and inoffensive. There is no nasty breath or anything like that, though I think the tooth has been conspicuous in its absence for a long time (due to great behavioral camoflague techniques). He is quite pleasant and has been more than understanding accomodating my crazy schedule, etc., very patient and easy going about making plans that work well for both of us. And I might add-he plans GREAT activities for dates (like glassblowing, how cool and creative is that?) He does seem to get me very well. He has a great idea of what I enjoy and what I don't and he listens to things I say and remembers them better than I do, myself. So, why, then, am I not jumping up and down going "hooray!!!"? I'm almost relieved that he just got home from a business trip, jet lagged, and wants to have dinner tomorrow instead of tonight. My Mom thinks I should mention the tooth and just offer to see if he needs a ride to the dentist or something...I am quite sure he is afraid of the dentist, and that's why it's not been fixed, because he is financially waaay secure. I think it would boost his career (which is very important to him) and also make it easier for me to see if I don't like him, or if I don't like his (lack of) smile. How superficial am I . Good grief. I must forgive myself.
d'Arthez Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 Sometimes, and I know it sounds very shallow, a physical defect can ruin everything. He is perfectly pleasant and inoffensive. sorry for the very brief reply: Pleasant and inoffensive = friendship, and feelings of friendship. enjoyable and passionate (about what he says) = romantic, feelings of romance and you can't force your feelings just because he is pleasant and inoffensive.
moimeme Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 I'm still not hearing enthusiastic endorsement. I'm not sure I believe that you enjoy being with him.
Author BlueHeavens Posted March 5, 2005 Author Posted March 5, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Furthermore he is too much trying to impress you. Certain hobbies of him are at odds with his behavior, and the way he tries to win you over. His piloting is at odds with his awkwardness and shyness. This conflict is actually a big part of my problem. He's a pilot, the vp of a company, and clearly very sure of himself at work...very calculated actually, I would say. I wonder if he is trying to have some sort of a calculated outcome with me too. He is always incredibly gracious with me, and I've only seen him be very polite to waitstaff, etc. but I DID notice that he was quite short with one of his friends when he called. It struck me as a bit surprising, and something to watch. A trophy wife. I don't know if that's what he wants. I think maybe he wants a traditional stay at home thing and I am not SO attached to my career that I would really cry about such a thing. But I think it's too soon for me to even think abou stuff like that...I'd love to have more time to develop my own hobby (art) but I would never impose on someone else financially to make that happen. Why do I enjoy time with him? Generally it's just pleasant conversation, a bit of wittiness, here and there, and a fun activity--a nice dinner out, etc. that would be hard not to enjoy. I don't think it's a "bought" sort of thing. I do want to keep it casual...but I get worried because he said something off hand like "oh, I think you're really going to hurt me" and I really couldn't figure out why, in the context of our conversation, etc. that he would even say a thing like that.
d'Arthez Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 Why do I enjoy time with him? Generally it's just pleasant conversation, a bit of wittiness, here and there, and a fun activity--a nice dinner out, etc. that would be hard not to enjoy. I don't think it's a "bought" sort of thing. When I meet with one of my (new) female friends, I have no problem spending the entire evening and the best part of the night with pleasant and witty conversation with her and her only. However never has that turned into something romantic. It is not be bought, but whatever he does, it does not work for you. And that is what is important. Art is not a hobby, but the proper task of life. "oh, I think you're really going to hurt me" I think he seems to realize that you are not going to reciprocate his feelings eventually. As you described yourself, you seem to be nothing more than friends, and without the chemistry, you can't become happy. On paper he may seem a great match for you, but if the feelings are not there, it would be foolish for you to make it a more than casual arrangement.
Author BlueHeavens Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 I suppose you guys are right...I am just feeling a bit selfish and thinking...what if I change my mind, then what? I don't know if he will want to be "just" friends...though I think friendship is such a valuable thing in life. It's just so ironic because I certainly have been on the receiving end of things like this. I must ponder...
d'Arthez Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 No offense to the man you are dating, but we wonder about you. Suppose you take it further with him, and find out that life with him is dull, but convenient because of his money. How happy could you be then? Without the enjoyment without the passion, which is lacking for a relationship in the romantic sense? "To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright." Happiness has little to do with money. It is a spiritual state of being. If he does not want to be friends with you, you know he is not a nice guy; as he takes more interest then in your agenda than your agenda.
Author BlueHeavens Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 Exactly...money itself would be an incredibly shallow reason to pursue this relationship. I am deeply aware of that. I am fortunate enough in being comfortable financially on my own, so I suppose that has less of an attraction than it might for some. I think to me it's a spiritual issue. I am a spiritual person and I'm under the impression that he thinks spirituality isn't real or may be some kind of a waste of time. I don't think he realizes that we can have everything else in common but not having that is a huge difference. You're right, too, about whether or not he wants to be friends...If he doesn't it might mean he was more interested in who he thinks I am vs who I actually am.
d'Arthez Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 Hope you read this, but how can he be not so much in spirituality, and write introspective emails?
Author BlueHeavens Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 Great question. I think it's about saying stuff that I want to hear, honestly. I think my entire hesitation about this is that I am seeing a lack of consistency which makes me question his honesty, or the "real" aspect of his actions. Which is really him?
d'Arthez Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 But if you doubt the 'realness' of him, you have your answer.
Author BlueHeavens Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 Yes...so perhaps I won't hurt him at all, then...(that is a big concern of mine)
d'Arthez Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 The first person you have any responsibility to, is yourself. And in principle honesty is always the less painful. If you don't "take" him, someone else will fall in love with him, and take him. And you will find yourself someone with whom you fall totally in love, and he with you. In that way the both of you will be happy.
Author BlueHeavens Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 It would be so nice to have a mutual relationship. I do think they exist. I hope I have one some day. Honesty is not always the easy way to go but it's clearly the most respectful one.
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