Simon Phoenix Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 They have been fixed as the external situation that was causing stress has gone, the desire to be with me has probably died though. You may be right but it might just give me the push I need to move on It's more likely to cause more angst and confusion to be honest. The odds of you having a moment of clarity from meeting him again are slim to none.
Arient Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 I know everyone's situation and BU is different, and posters on here say NC to heal and also not to make contact when your hurt and raw. My BU wasn't related to cheating/lying or any of those bad things which would immediately push me to move on. I think not reaching out has let me gather thoughts but also carrying weight now on my shoulders from these thoughts that I cannot let go of. I don't want to hear anyone say "don't meet", maybe I'll be told there is someone else in the picture which will push me in the direction of no hope. Maybe I'll get some answers or closure. Does anyone have any experiences / advice on meeting up after a 2-3 month period of NC? Preferably if you were the dumpee. I don't have intentions of ever creating a friendship with my ex as I know that doesn't work out for the majority of us. Hi there, I have read your posts and also others' posts, and I have to say that everyone is different, and each BU is different. My BU is a little bit similar to yours, things end 'amicably'. We respected each other's decision, and the relationship was great until the very end. It's just different life paces and the extreme distance. After the BU, for around 3 months, we kept casual contacts, like mailing each other once in every 3 days. After 3 months, I still clinged to the hope of getting back, because everything was so great before and the 'nice' BU created a lot of false hope. Thus, I wanted to 'meet' him (via Skype video, because we lived in different countries). In 3 months post BU, I had time to reflect on things and came up with so many questions and so much hope, and at the same time, felt stuck if I did not have the answers. We talked, and we did not get back, it hurted a lot for me, and for him. But one thing good came out, I know now that I MUST let him go. Maybe we can reunite sometime far in the future, maybe not, but for now, things don't work. So I suggest you go ahead and meet your ex. As long as you know the price of it I'm a type of person who HAS TO know things clearly, despite the extreme pain I have to experience afterwards, rather than waiting for some blur closure when I finally feel indifferent. People are different. Some can accept not getting a closure and it's better for their moving on, but some prefer to have a 'once and for all' talk after BU to move on. I'm the later type One last thing, I think if you still have hope and want to try, then try. I tried, I begged, convinced, criticized....etc, and I felt I might look so not cool and not me, but I am pretty sure that if I get to re-do things, I would still do the same. As now I know I have tried all I can, and it did not work, so there are no regrets and it's not worth it anymore. More strength to move on I guess
Author Feelbettersoon Posted September 17, 2014 Author Posted September 17, 2014 Hi there, I have read your posts and also others' posts, and I have to say that everyone is different, and each BU is different. My BU is a little bit similar to yours, things end 'amicably'. We respected each other's decision, and the relationship was great until the very end. It's just different life paces and the extreme distance. After the BU, for around 3 months, we kept casual contacts, like mailing each other once in every 3 days. After 3 months, I still clinged to the hope of getting back, because everything was so great before and the 'nice' BU created a lot of false hope. Thus, I wanted to 'meet' him (via Skype video, because we lived in different countries). In 3 months post BU, I had time to reflect on things and came up with so many questions and so much hope, and at the same time, felt stuck if I did not have the answers. We talked, and we did not get back, it hurted a lot for me, and for him. But one thing good came out, I know now that I MUST let him go. Maybe we can reunite sometime far in the future, maybe not, but for now, things don't work. So I suggest you go ahead and meet your ex. As long as you know the price of it I'm a type of person who HAS TO know things clearly, despite the extreme pain I have to experience afterwards, rather than waiting for some blur closure when I finally feel indifferent. People are different. Some can accept not getting a closure and it's better for their moving on, but some prefer to have a 'once and for all' talk after BU to move on. I'm the later type One last thing, I think if you still have hope and want to try, then try. I tried, I begged, convinced, criticized....etc, and I felt I might look so not cool and not me, but I am pretty sure that if I get to re-do things, I would still do the same. As now I know I have tried all I can, and it did not work, so there are no regrets and it's not worth it anymore. More strength to move on I guess Thanks for this, will report back with the outcome in a few days.
WhiskeyJack Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 I'm one of those people in the rare section where I never did NC after the break up with my ex of 5 years and I was the dumpee. We were best friends and NC just didn't work for us, we kept in contact, hung out an stayed friends, he actually helped me get through the break up and talked me through some dark times after. It's been almost a year now post break up, I'm completely over him and moved on. If you want to met him and think it might help, give it a try. If it sends you back to square one then you know you to just go NC for good. 1
Author Feelbettersoon Posted September 18, 2014 Author Posted September 18, 2014 (edited) For anyone wanting to meet there ex read this. I think if you are like me and need to know things or want closure or even too try reconcile - go for it, meet them and see what happens. Iv learnt now from this meet up and defiantly don't regret it as I would of kept wondering.. I am the dumpee. I mainly did NC for the 9 weeks, I heard very little , only met once to collect my things and had a few moments of seeing each other down the street - no communication. Removed from all social media and did a lot of thinking. Came to the conclusion that this person I spent 2yrs with , I was madly in love with and due to our breakup being fairly amicable (not sure if this is the correct word, it wasn't a messy breakup, just arguing became too much) I needed to meet and express my feelings and give it one last shot. The BU was due to too much arguing in the last 2/3 months. Sometimes the biggest failure in life is not trying and always wondering. I wanted to reconcile but knew there was a huge chance that wouldn't happen - or if it did it would take months. I reached out to meet, dumper agreed and was open to it. Meeting went awful - ex = cold, cruel, mean, insensitive, heartless, hurtful, not the person I shared two wonderful years with. Not the happy, caring, loveable person I knew for 12 years before hand, and grew up with and helped through difficult times Ex said he has never been happier since he ended relationship, was never happy in it and feels great now - ouch. This can't be all true as there were millions of happy moments throughout the two years, this was said to hurt me. I responded with "I'm happy for you" and left it at that. I even heard "All my friends are approaching me telling me how happy I am acting and it's so true I just feel great". F**k. Do I want to be with someone who is purposely trying to be hurtful now? No! Why do dumpers do this? I have no idea. Any input on that would be helpful. I'd expect this coldness if I did something terrible but we both played a part in arguing, and to me the arguments were not bad enough to end something that was essentially amazing, fun, spontaneous and loving! That was the dumpers decision. I don't think I'm back to day 1 at all after meeting, it's helped me to realise I can't cling on to as much hope as I had. It'll always be in the back of my mind but meeting up as reduced this significantly. I need to work on myself now, more so than I have been the last two months and maybe some day I will wake up and realise this was for the best. It will be hard now for a while. Edited September 18, 2014 by Feelbettersoon
Missy0724 Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 I'm sorry that happened, but it really is for the best. For YOU. Hurts like hell, I'm sure. Ex did the same to me. I'm female, he was the dumper. Days after breaking up with me, he wanted to remain "close friends", so we had limited contact. I did this, bc of course in my emotional, still addicted state, had that hope for reconciliation, that maybe he was saying that bc he wanted to slow down, work on friendship, but still wanted to see me, hang out, or work towards that. Well, after a few conversations, few weeks after break up, he did the same thing your ex did! Was all excited, happy, going on and on about all the great, fun things he's doing alone, with his kids, and also had a date. This was three weeks after break up. Who does this? Insecure, selfish, not healthy in the mind people. When people go on and on like that, it's usually because they are not. He was feeling guilty about breaking up with me, threw the "friends" card to make himself look better, and also the bragging about being SO happy. Unless I am wrong, and he really was...Just doesn't seem emotionally healthy to me - telling someone you love them one day, then three weeks later all excited about a date with someone else. Just confirmed to me the reasons why it ended, and now three months later, as hard as it still is at times, I saw his true colors post breakup, and content we are not together. It would have never worked. Miss him, miss the fun times, etc. But that is the "fantasy" of a relationship that was at one time. But it became broken, ran its course. That is why it ended... We were both unhappy, but both codependent and trying so hard to keep it together. It was probably doomed from the beginning...I know this now. It's good you got that closure you needed. Mine came to me via sending him some brutally honest emails...felt good to stop being a doormat and speaking my mind. And say goodbye. I made sure he would not contact me again. Hurt like hell to end a possible friendship. But hey, if we really were great friends, and we really loved each other - that may come again, down the line, in many many months, or years. Or not, which I'm gearing towards. He DID not treat me as a friend, as your ex did not either, by saying such insensitive things...BIG EGO of these people. All about them. Do I want to be friends with someone like that? Someone who never gave a heartfelt "sorry" to me, when he knows, I made it clear, how those insensitive words hurt me? NO. So I ended it, no contact, blocked him, etc. It's dead to me. I think in order to get over such a relationship, thinking of them and the relationship as "dead", really helps. It is for me....But everyone different, yes. Closure is good. We all get there in our own way. Good for you for doing what was right for you, to get that. I hope now you let things lie, walk away, go NC for YOU, to heal, to break that connection/addiction. It will take a LONG time...but like all of us, you'll get there. If you take care of YOU and now worry about YOUR feelings, and not hers. You don't owe her anything. It's over, broken, dead. Sucks, but reality. And you will find love again! This is life...we will love and be loved again. Perhaps many more times...And nothing wrong with that! Learn something new every time and love better the next time, when we have healed, and ready! Keep that faith! :-) She's not worth it - she has proven that to you. Love yourself, have boundaries, have self respect. She is obviously done as well, and only caring about herself. So go ahead and listen to what she has said and shown - and give her what she's asking for. You out of her life. For good... Hang in there - you will be just fine!!! 1
Author Feelbettersoon Posted September 18, 2014 Author Posted September 18, 2014 Thanks Missy0724 - I, the dumpee am female. The dumper was male. Very similar situations we have then, I still can't understand the cold, hard, mean behaviour though, since WE were dumped!
Simon Phoenix Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 Thanks Missy0724 - I, the dumpee am female. The dumper was male. Very similar situations we have then, I still can't understand the cold, hard, mean behaviour though, since WE were dumped! It was likely done to get the point across that it was truly over. He probably sensed that the reason you wanted to meet was to try to convince him to go back with you. Since he had no interest in doing so, he went over the top a bit to really get the message across to you. Was it mean? Yeah. But he could have been meaner. He could have been wishy-washy and given you false hope, which would have been more unkind. Or he could have taken advantage of your state to set up a friends-with-benefits situation, which would have been cruel as well. So while it sucks right now, it could have been worse. Much worse. Hopefully you got this out of the system and will leave well enough alone and stop "fighting" for him. You'll get past this if you allow yourself to. But you have to allow it to happen first. 2
Missy0724 Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 Yes, this happens to so many of us; we are not alone! In my situation, I was very confused bc it was him who broke up with me, then a few days later, reaching out to me, telling me "now that the romantic part is over, let's try to be close friends. That is what I want." And it was HE who called me a few times. I was letting things lie, but he was reaching out to me...I don't think I will ever understand that. I suppose perhaps he truly did want to be friends, since I was an amazing, best friend to him. He does not have a lot of friends, no close ones. He wanted his cake and eat it to, I suppose? All I know is that the relationship was good when it was good, but it ran its course, as he was not ready to be in a close, intimate relationship, due to his many emotional issues, inability to get close to me, make me a priority. He tried, but could not do it. I tried and tried, and gave him time. But it was all superficial; he led me on, did everything to "catch" me, swept me off my feet...then once his own issues came up and bit him in the ass, couldn't live in denial anymore, or using me as a distraction ran its course, he was done. And once I began questioning him, his intentions, why he still so wrapped up with ex wife, that that hurt my feelings...He got very defensive and turned things around and blamed me...for his inability to grow the relationship, make it a priority, make me feel loved. He was too busy making sure his ex was OK and didn't hate him. Long story... NEVER get involved with someone not over their ex. haha! I'm good now - but what a pain in the ass!!! Anyway, I learned we very very different in values, how treat people, boundaries, etc. He a very selfish, immature person, still has a lot of growing up to do, at age 40! BIG EGO, lack of empathy, all about him, low self esteem, crushed because ex wife divorced him. (after he cheated on her numerous times...get that!) I am moving forward to forgive myself for getting involved with someone like him. It was my choice. No one had a gun to my head. As it is our choice now to let it go...SO SO hard. I feel in a way I wasted 10 months on someone who had no potential. I know that is wrong. I do know it served a purpose and yes, many hard lessons learned. I guess that is all that matters and what I am trying to concentrate on. It is difficult to cut someone totally out of your life, after being so involved in theirs, and them in yours...all the daily changes, losses. It's normal for us to feel what we are feeling. We need to feel it, think about it, process it, journal it (which by being on here, does for me! :-) get it all out! Work THRU it, not around it, or just tell yourself, "be strong, just get over it!" It we just got over it quickly, we would be unfeeling sociopaths. I'd rather feel some pain and discomfort. It means I'm ALIVE. It means I CARED. It means I can and will love again. It's healthy to feel like we do...as long as it's not for an unreasonable time! They say it takes half the time to get over someone, as long as the relationship was. So I have two more months to go! :-) But that's case by case of course. I divorced my husband of 20 years and didn't need to mourn him, bc I didn't love him anymore. I'd gotten over him years before the actual divorce. Just the loss of our life together... It took me 9 months to get over another 10 month relationship. So we just don't know... As long as we are mourning in healthy way...not "stuffing it" with other addictions, drinking, other unhealthy behaviors, including denial or just putting on a happy face all the time... That can blow up in your face... So just take it day by day, one day at a time...And NC. That is the key. It really is. Outta sight, outta mind, eventually. And being busy, with friends, get out there when you feel ready, go to some MeetUps, go meet new men, for coffee, chat, etc. And spend time ALONE. Always a good thing... :-) 1
Author Feelbettersoon Posted September 20, 2014 Author Posted September 20, 2014 Thanks for your reponse. My hope has gone from 90% to 30% now after the meet up. I just find myself wondering 'why so mean' 'I didn't deserve anything like this' etc etc I wish I knew
BC1980 Posted September 20, 2014 Posted September 20, 2014 Thanks for your reponse. My hope has gone from 90% to 30% now after the meet up. I just find myself wondering 'why so mean' 'I didn't deserve anything like this' etc etc I wish I knew Well, he didn't want to get any more emotionally involved with you at the meet up. So he was cold as a way to communicate that. When someone leaves you, you have to expect that even though it hurts. You can't see them as the person they used to be with you. The relationship has changed.
Author Feelbettersoon Posted September 21, 2014 Author Posted September 21, 2014 Starting to able to have an hour without thinking about everything to do with the BU. Does anyone else have any experiences to share meeting up post BU?
BC1980 Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 Starting to able to have an hour without thinking about everything to do with the BU. Does anyone else have any experiences to share meeting up post BU? My ex asked me to meet for lunch, and, when we were leaving, he gave me a box of my stuff. He said to "keep in touch" and drove off like it was noting. I was so humiliated, big it sure taught me a lesson. I realized that he was on a completely different emotional wave length than me. Time apart had reinforced that he didn't want the relationship. I actually thought he might be reconsidering, be he was doing to opposite. He probably wanted to meet up to give me the stuff and just added going to lunch to make it look better. 2
Dontfindme Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 Starting to able to have an hour without thinking about everything to do with the BU. Does anyone else have any experiences to share meeting up post BU? I'm not sure if my experience counts- my ex broke up with me on 4th of July, over the phone. Then we stopped communicating for 2 weeks completely, until I found out that he was getting laid off from the company we both worked for. A coworker of mine finally convinced me to talk to him, and "seek closure" - it is my biggest regret with us till date. I approached him to talk, sad about him being laid off, but within a minute- all of my old feelings came back. After begging, crying my eyes out to him, giving up every ounce of my dignity, he still didn't want me back. I asked him how he was able to just let go, given everything, his answer was "be happy for me." He had a week left with the company, so I convinced myself that it would be best if we did our normal trips to work, and back home (we live in the same neighborhood), and spent time together at lunch so he wouldn't be alone for his last week. The first 2-3 days, I just cried after every meet up. I would wonder, "How is he not thinking of how significant our relationship is?" I would ask him too, and he would tell me that he was trying to suppress it. (BS) By the 4th, and 5th day I became somewhat numb to it all. I was still trying to "be there" for him. But it really dawned on me that he didn't give a damn about me, or my state of being, or about our relationship. I, too, had convinced myself that I should be a "fighter" and give it my all. But giving it my all cost me my dignity, and he certainly wasn't worth it. I don't say this just because he rejected me; during the last 2 months, I realize more and more that he wasn't worth my love. Now I would give anything, to take back that week, and take back being the pathetic mess that I was. I kind of sway between regretting it immensely, and appreciating that seeing him that week did open my eyes to what I was doing wrong. I like to think it sped up my recovery too, but now I'm afraid of the embarrassment I will feel if I ever run into him again; I fear that we will both be reminded of just how pathetic I was, and now that I'm more rational, that memory will sting even more. I'm cringing now, typing it up. 1
Author Feelbettersoon Posted September 22, 2014 Author Posted September 22, 2014 Similar pattern for most meets up as I've read ^^^^ I suppose it can go either way, they either want us or they don't after a period of time. My ex didn't want me so it has helped me come to terms that we wont ever be together again, this hope is reducing slowly everyday
Author Feelbettersoon Posted October 7, 2014 Author Posted October 7, 2014 Drove past my ex while he was with another girl. This feels as raw as the breakup He claimed he didn't have time to be in a relaionship as one of his reason, and didn't want to get involved with someone else unless they were the one he wanted to spend his life with (his words). this particular girl he was with caused great conflict during our two years as she made a move on my ex during our relationship and always liked him.. Wish I didn't see as I feel like it's set me back. So painful..
JDPT Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 You can't deny the fact that you saw him, however, you can certainly do something about confabulating and generating fictitious scenarious in your head about such girl. I've seen my ex a total of 4 times while driving on the highway, what are the odds of that huh? With the latest being yesterday and I'm happy to say that I felt nothing almost as if I was seeing a stranger. I'm not certain how far in your are in this recovery but don't torture yourself with hypotheticals, try to keep things as simple as possible for your sanity. Keep in mind that whatever came out of his mouth should never be taken seriously. Any promises or future plans are for him to embark on and for us to simply accept gracefully and move on.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 7, 2014 Posted October 7, 2014 Drove past my ex while he was with another girl. This feels as raw as the breakup He claimed he didn't have time to be in a relaionship as one of his reason, and didn't want to get involved with someone else unless they were the one he wanted to spend his life with (his words). this particular girl he was with caused great conflict during our two years as she made a move on my ex during our relationship and always liked him.. Wish I didn't see as I feel like it's set me back. So painful.. Don't know how long ago your relationship with EX ended... You need to accept he moved on and used you as a stepping stone. You know there is better out there, so try your hardest to let go, so you can see what is out there waiting for you.
Author Feelbettersoon Posted October 7, 2014 Author Posted October 7, 2014 3 months into BU. I'm doing NC and he's never reached out, we did meet up a month ago and he was horrible. i wish it was a girl I didn't know, it would be easier not knowing anything anout Her. This girl was always in the background lingering cause she liked him
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