st8toftheheart Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 Sorry, it’s a bit long. Need your opinions. Would it be better for a guy to break up with a girl if he had constant problems dealing with her past, even though it would break her heart? Understand this is COMPLETELY the guy’s problem, which he acknowledges. The guy had a rough childhood and went through a messy divorce and is new to the dating scene after many years. Meets a girl who is an absolute joy only to find out about her sexual past (which is by no means extreme) and since then has been dealing with insecurity and jealousy. When they are together they are very good, but apart he has anxiety attacks and is depressed and cannot free himself of these visions. Needless to say this guy is in counseling, but with all counseling, it can take along time before he comes to terms for the real reason her past affects him. She has been supportive throughout this ordeal and is willing to help him through it. Through it though, he has sometimes criticized her past decisions, given her grief about going out with friends and has given her the impression she is damaged goods. She still sticks by him, hoping things will change. Not wanting each other to suffer any further, he attempted to break up with her, but she pleaded with him to stay. He genuinely loves her and she him, and she feels that if they love each other like they say they do, love will find a way. Since then, the problem has become more pressing. He is afraid to touch her at times or make love to her, because thoughts of her past enter his mind. He feels tremendous pain. So, knowing that his therapy may take a long time, and that she suffers at his hands because of his problem or feels rejected by him, would it be better to end the relationship, knowing it will break her heart, but end his suffering and hers, allowing her to move on to someone who will accept her for who she is and him to get straightened out? Yes, this is me.
sweetpea01 Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 I was in a relationship where my BF cheated on me, and eventually it got to the point where I would have flashbacks of it just randomly...and I just didn't want to deal with it any longer...so I broke it off. However, if these are things that happened with her before she even knew you, I hope you and her will try to work through them. Just remember that ppl do change (I'm not quite sure what she did), and that everyone's past is their past...but that we grow and learn...and many of us are no longer that person we were a couple yrs. ago. good luck!
Author st8toftheheart Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 Originally posted by sweetpea01 However, if these are things that happened with her before she even knew you, I hope you and her will try to work through them. Just remember that ppl do change (I'm not quite sure what she did), and that everyone's past is their past...but that we grow and learn...and many of us are no longer that person we were a couple yrs. ago. good luck! The odd thing is, her past isn't anything really that bad. She just had more relationships than I have had and therefore more sexual experience. I'm a bit old fashioned where I took longer before initiating sexual relations with someone and she felt that she was ready much sooner, but still, what she did wasn't wrong. To each his or her own. But I had very few relationships prior to her and prior to my marriage and had been married for a very long time. So yes, I was intimiated and felt inadequate. What's worse she has openly told me that I have been her best lover and no one has ever made her feel they she does when she is with me. But I unfortunately have trouble believing it, almost with outright refusal. Of course that hurts her. It's a shame really, because she is my best friend and if there had never been an attraction between us, we could still have been the best of friends. It'ss hard. Because I could potentially lose my one true love over my problem. Thanks for the support.
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 The odd thing is, her past isn't anything really that bad. She just had more relationships than I have had and therefore more sexual experience. I'm a bit old fashioned where I took longer before initiating sexual relations with someone and she felt that she was ready much sooner, but still, what she did wasn't wrong. To each his or her own. But I had very few relationships prior to her and prior to my marriage and had been married for a very long time. So yes, I was intimiated and felt inadequate. What's worse she has openly told me that I have been her best lover and no one has ever made her feel they she does when she is with me. But I unfortunately have trouble believing it, almost with outright refusal. Of course that hurts her. It's a shame really, because she is my best friend and if there had never been an attraction between us, we could still have been the best of friends. It'ss hard. Because I could potentially lose my one true love over my problem. Thanks for the support. I'm sorry you're feeling that way and that you're intimidated by her sexual past/relationship past. Just remember...The past is what helps make you the person you are. In and out of bed. Good and bad. The present is what counts now. Her actions, her words, her love for you. There's no competition, there's just you and her...Love. I really hope you continue with therapy and work on this because if you don't, you may just lose the best love of your life...And always have regrets that you walked away.
Author st8toftheheart Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Just remember...The past is what helps make you the person you are. In and out of bed. Good and bad. The present is what counts now. Her actions, her words, her love for you. There's no competition, there's just you and her...Love. I really hope you continue with therapy and work on this because if you don't, you may just lose the best love of your life...And always have regrets that you walked away. Thanks for the support. I think its in part knowing the details of her failed relationships and my failed ones has me fearing an unrealized fear of our relationship. I am the one to blame for this......I asked. I know even if I were to walk away, that next relationship would have the same problems, because its unrealistic of me to expect a virgin and hypocritical. And next time I may fine a women that's not so understanding. But how much abuse can this poor girl take? I love her too much to continue to put her through this.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 I am of the belief that the past is the past - we cannot change it, but can learn from it and act accordingly. Can you get to that point? Clearly this woman thinks you are worth putting up with a lot to have you, do you feel the same way about her? In the end I think it all comes down to trust. Regardless of what others have done to us in the past - do we trust those we are with today? If the answer to that is no, then move on - if the answer is yes, again we have to act accordingly. I feel the pain in every work you have written above - and I know that you cannot undo those situations that have made you feel insecure today, but you CAN change the way you react to it. You can take a deep breath and think about things rationally - remebering that she is worth your patience and restraint. Just like she feels you are worth waiting for, however long therapy takes. I hope this is of some help - although as I type it, it doesn't feel as if it would be. Best of luck!!!!!
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 But how much abuse can this poor girl take? I love her too much to continue to put her through this. She loves ya Silly!!! If she wanted to leave you and was really unhappy she would have left already. She knows about your insecurities etc...and she is still around. Seems she loves you unconditionally. That's really special. You can't control her thoughts and what she may/may not do. Don't force her out the door...If she wants to go, she'll go. Just stay in the now and enjoy eachother as much as you can. Everyone has weird quirks and odd things that upset them or set them off...Some deeper and more intense than others. And next time I may fine a women that's not so understanding. Exactly!!! So be happy with who you have in your life now. Don't break up with her for the sake of 'the grass COULD be greener on the other side of the fence.' Chances are, you got the good greens right infront of ya. Just open your eyes abit more and see how special she is. SHE LOVES YOU...That is awesome! Try and have faith in her love for you - FORGET her past. Just doesn't matter. Keep posting and your welcome...Anything I can do to help you figure this out, I'll do my best.
Author st8toftheheart Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 Originally posted by curiousnycgirl I am of the belief that the past is the past - we cannot change it, but can learn from it and act accordingly. Can you get to that point? Oh I know that the past is the past. I have always tried to judge people on how they interact with me today and by the things they do now. Which is even more reason I'm upset with myself that this is a problem for me. Because by that description alone she had been absolutely fanastic since we've been together. Originally posted by curiousnycgirl In the end I think it all comes down to trust. Regardless of what others have done to us in the past - do we trust those we are with today? If the answer to that is no, then move on - if the answer is yes, again we have to act accordingly. I agree. If there isn't trust then there isn't anything. But right now I don't feel I can trust her, even though she hasn't really done anything to justify me feeling that way about her. I guess I'm just one screwed up guy. Thanks for writing curiousnygirl.
Author st8toftheheart Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup You can't control her thoughts and what she may/may not do. Don't force her out the door...If she wants to go, she'll go. Just stay in the now and enjoy eachother as much as you can. I've tried to focus on our times together when we have been just as happy as a pig in mud. Its when I am away from her I'm miserable. Miserable because I'm not with her, but even more miserable because these thoughts plague me. We have talked about moving in together, and I know that would help. Being able to be with her all the time. I also think that would be masking the problem. I have actually agreed and retracted my acceptance of living with her several times. That hurts her. Originally posted by whichwayisup Exactly!!! So be happy with who you have in your life now. Don't break up with her for the sake of 'the grass COULD be greener on the other side of the fence.' Chances are, you got the good greens right infront of ya. Thanks whichwayisup. If it ends up I cannot make this work, I would not attempt another relationship until such time I was ready to deal with this problem and not let it affect my relationship. Not only would others not go through the effort, I have no desire of putting anyone through this again.
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 I've tried to focus on our times together when we have been just as happy as a pig in mud. Its when I am away from her I'm miserable. Miserable because I'm not with her, but even more miserable because these thoughts plague me. We have talked about moving in together, and I know that would help. Being able to be with her all the time. I also think that would be masking the problem. I have actually agreed and retracted my acceptance of living with her several times. That hurts her. I don't know what kind of therapy you are doing...But maybe look into Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This therapy really concentrates on the MIND. Controlling thoughts and being more positive. I have an anxiety disorder and CBT really has helped me. It can teach you how to trust yourself, re train the brain thinking patterns etc... Your thoughts of being away from her, then all your fears/insecuries/worries come into play. They aren't really rational thoughts...Know what I mean? Comes down to trust issues that you have to work on, and also learn how to be busy/happy without her by your side. To BE together, yet still LIVE life...Separately, yet together at the same time. Keep posting S, TTYL.
billybadass36 Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 I have acknowledged that I have these same types of insecurities about any relationship I've been in. By a certain point in your life, you realize that you'll never find a "virginal" woman that you can snatch up and live some idyllic existence with you being her only sexual experience. It just isn't in the cards. What happens, though, at least in my experience, is that if your relationship progresses, over months, and years, the past experiences that she has had will begin to fade. They'll fade as a concern for you, and they'll fade in your gf's memory - unconsciously, yes, but they'll fade nonetheless. Hell, I can't even remember sex with any of my ex's....okay, well maybe I can, but it's a very vage, indifferent recollection. Over time as through her actions she shows you that she's totally into you and that these past sexual encounters and relationships are totally in her past, your own insecurities on the topic will fade. Just gut it out, man. I feel your pain, but it does get better. It sounds like you have a good gal here, so don't let your insecurities ruin an otherwise great relationship.
The_Fool Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 I used to have the same feelings. I married young and was relatively inexperienced. After my separation two years ago, I started dating again. Of course, most of the girls I dated had their own past--some were quite extensive. At first, I would really freak myself out thinking about it. I'd think constantly about my girlfriends' past. It always gave me this heart-sick, empty feeling. Sometimes, it almost made me phyiscally ill. It also made me feel as if I were somehow inadequate. I felt like an inexperienced child. I knew that it was the past, I never once thought they were cheating on me, but it became impossible to deal with. Two things helped. First, I realized that in the eight years I was with my wife I had probably had more sexual experience than anyone that I dated. The second: time.
sami Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 It may be the best for both. In that case it becomes a must.
Author st8toftheheart Posted March 7, 2005 Author Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup I don't know what kind of therapy you are doing...But maybe look into Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This therapy really concentrates on the MIND. Controlling thoughts and being more positive. Never heard of that. Currently I'm just seeing a personal physcologist, possibly considering a second. Originally posted by whichwayisup I have an anxiety disorder and CBT really has helped me. It can teach you how to trust yourself, re train the brain thinking patterns etc... Yes I suffered from anxiety prior to meeting her. Had alot to do with family and divorce stuff. I have struggled hard to stay off the Xanax and had alot of success. Got my wieght down, went back to school. Started extra curricular acitivites and meeting new people. Now I have digressed. I don't blame her at all for this because it my own undowing. But it sounds like this treatment may help this and my existing problem. Thanks for the info.
Author st8toftheheart Posted March 7, 2005 Author Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by billybadass36 Over time as through her actions she shows you that she's totally into you and that these past sexual encounters and relationships are totally in her past, your own insecurities on the topic will fade. Just gut it out, man. I feel your pain, but it does get better. It sounds like you have a good gal here, so don't let your insecurities ruin an otherwise great relationship. I hear ya. Not that I want to play the part of the wounded bird or anything, but I guess I already had severe issues going into this relationship. Which oddly enough I was completely open about from the get go. Well atleast she know's I'm not a liar. But I really never got over those issues and was still working them through, and now I have added these. Feels like an insurmoutable hurtle at times. I question if I was truly ready for the relationship. But sometimes you cannot time love. Thanks for writing.
Author st8toftheheart Posted March 7, 2005 Author Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by The_Fool Two things helped. First, I realized that in the eight years I was with my wife I had probably had more sexual experience than anyone that I dated. The second: time. Wow, sounds like we have that in common. The only unfortunate thing is, I stayed in my marriage FAR too long and I can honestly say, that in the 10 years I was in my previous relationship, that she has had more sex than I have, with more partners obviously. There is also a somewhat significant age difference between us, her being 9 years younger than I. So I guess I look at her and see the new pop culture and I am initimiated, even though she has never given the impression of living that lifestyle with the exception of a few occassions. I came from a very conservative family and let me you tell you the fact I had sex with even 1 person before getting married was a feat. I have time, but as each day passes I become more and more depressed and that translates to how I treat her. I know this is my problem and that it is within my realm to conquer it. I have taken all the reccomended steps I can. But until I begin to accept it and move on, its going to be rough for her. I have already made her cry a few times, rejecting her. I don't like that, especially when its at my hands. But thanks for showing me that I am not the only one who has come out of a divorce and felt like this.
The_Fool Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by st8toftheheart Wow, sounds like we have that in common. The only unfortunate thing is, I stayed in my marriage FAR too long and I can honestly say, that in the 10 years I was in my previous relationship, that she has had more sex than I have, with more partners obviously. There is also a somewhat significant age difference between us, her being 9 years younger than I. So I guess I look at her and see the new pop culture and I am initimiated, even though she has never given the impression of living that lifestyle with the exception of a few occassions. I felt the same way. The first girl I dated after the separation was five years younger than me--very early twenties--and had already had a few dozen partners. It always intimidated me. In a way, I felt like I was just another number. It made me feel insecure. I'm not even thirty yet and am pretty damn liberal, but god it made me feel like a conservative old fart! I just didn't understand kids today. With me, it was really a self-confidence issue. I was reluctant to admit this since it sounds like you've got a great relationship worth saving, but what helped me the most was gaining more experience myself. Dating more--having more partners--helped me get over a lot of my self-confidence problems. Someone else mentioned therapy or counselling. Really consider it, especially if the relationship is worth anything to you. I don't think you even need couple's therapy, though it could help.
Author st8toftheheart Posted March 8, 2005 Author Posted March 8, 2005 Originally posted by The_Fool I felt the same way. The first girl I dated after the separation was five years younger than me--very early twenties--and had already had a few dozen partners. It always intimidated me. In a way, I felt like I was just another number. It made me feel insecure. Feels like something like I would write. When I had these emotions for the first time I almost felt like I made the biggest mistake of my life getting divorced. I left a bad situation to enter a worse one. Dating in a world that had advanced while I stood still. Originally posted by The_Fool I'm not even thirty yet and am pretty damn liberal, but god it made me feel like a conservative old fart! I just didn't understand kids today. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm from an Italian background and I thought I was pretty liberal when it came to sex and relationships. This whole experience has made me feel so naive and unsure. Originally posted by The_Fool ...what helped me the most was gaining more experience myself. Dating more--having more partners--helped me get over a lot of my self-confidence problems. Yeah we talked about that and what would happen to us, and she basically couldn't be with me afterwards. I don't blame her really because I know she has issue with my ex and having been married etc. So to think I'm out there sowing my seeds while she waits until I've settled the score and I'm ready, isn't comfortable for her. So it comes down to I either learn to deal through therapy or wish each other well and move on. Thanks for showing me I'm not alone in this. It does help.
The_Fool Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 Originally posted by st8toftheheart Yeah we talked about that and what would happen to us, and she basically couldn't be with me afterwards. I don't blame her really because I know she has issue with my ex and having been married etc. So to think I'm out there sowing my seeds while she waits until I've settled the score and I'm ready, isn't comfortable for her. To backtrack a bit, that's exactly what happened with me and my ex-wife. Since we'd been together from such a young age, she'd felt like she missed out on her chance to get out there, socialize, date and experience life. In a way, I kind of felt the same. We actually took the step of trying an open relationship, both of us free to see other people. That was the biggest mistake that we made. It ruined us. In retrospect, if we had gotten some couple's therapy instead, we might very well be together still. At the very least, we're still good friends.
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