Can't Get Past My GF's Unfaithful Past

[NoDice123]

Hey everyone. Been struggling with this for a while with my girlfriend of 8 months.

 

I met Gina 8 months ago. We hit it off very quick, moved in after two months. We're both young, very popular individuals who work in the nightlife industry. I just became involved in her nightclub in the past year, far before any of her previous drama had unfolded.

 

Gina my girlfriend, has engaged in two revenge affairs in the past 4 years. One was with a husband who she has been separated from for quite some time who continuously cheated on her without remorse, with easily over 20 different women. He didn't care that she knew, and she was somewhat emotionally desperate and felt as if she couldn't leave him for the first two years of this marriage. She said that she knew going into the marriage that it was doomed to fail. She didn't tell her husband about these and lied to him the entire time, but felt as if she was justified in doing so because of her intense betrayal. She still lies to her exhusband about the specific men she slept with during this time, which bothers me that she can't be honest.

 

Eventually, she decided to cheat on her exhusband as well. Probably with multiple partners as well. She has told me 3+, his roommate, a coworker, and another. It wasn't long after this that the two separated. From this point, Gina went on somewhat of a bender and had sex with 10 people that I know of right now. Again, I didn't dig very deeply here because it's not exactly my business how many there were. Promiscuity is something that bothers me when in excess, when used as a tool for gaining validation. It really sketches me out. This is one thing that bothers me in our relationship very much. I've certainly been promiscuous in the past, but nowhere near the level that she has.

 

She was in two more relationships during this time. One of which, the man cheated on her again, and she engaged in another revenge affair. This time, she told him flat out that they were not dating, but still spent time together as friends with benefits, went on dates, etc.

 

She used her go-go dancing at the nightclub we're involved with as a way of meeting these men. She dances around scantily in short shorts and bra to hype up the crowd. She has a passion for dance, which I genuinely do know for sure, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable that she still does this now that we're dating, and with her past considered.

 

My questions to you:

 

1. I'm thinking about breaking up with her because I don't want to be with someone who could possibly cheat on me in the future. I understand these affairs were out of revenge, but it still bothers me. In her defense, she has admittedly changed a lot from who she used to be, her friends have even took me aside privately and told me such things. Everyone has, in fact. They've all accepted she's a different person, but I can't help but feel like she will just do it to me.

 

2. I want to tell her that if she doesn't stop go-go dancing, that I'm going to end it with her. I feel like her dancing around in scantily clad clothing is inappropriate for someone in a relationship. I've told her how much I hate it in the past, and it bothers her because she truly does love to dance, and she disagrees with me when I say I believe she does it to receive male validation. It's a huge sore spot in our relationship. In a way, I'm afraid that this could become a source of resentment in our relationship, and I want her to pursue her passion for dance, she just claims there is no where else for her to do it in our city except in a nightclub.

 

Would love your 2cents.

Edited September 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Clay]

Run.

 

You know clearly what your getting into and your not going to like it if you stay. If she ever feels your cheating on her all bets will be off and you will never know the truth.

 

Clay

[TrustedthenBusted]

You are about to join a long line of guys who already learned the same lesson.

[jnel921]

Gina has no boundaries. What makes you think you are special? She is a go-go dancer. You can't ask someone to give up their livelihood unless there is a plan a and b.

 

She has slept with many many men. Some may be men who frequent her place of business. But she wouldn't tell you that.

 

If you want monogamy it won't be with her. Her friends are warning you! Put on your listening ears.

 

She moved in after 2 months? She may be using you financially too.

 

Run.

Edited September 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

You knew she was a go go dancer when you started dating her. To expect her to quit because you decided it was no longer appropriate, is ridiculous. If she quits, how is she supposed to support herself? Are you going to pay her rent, car insurance, groceries etc.?

 

Because she has a pattern of revenge infidelity in the past, that is a more legitimate concern. It also has nothing to do with her "profession".

Edited September 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[No Limit]

She's using cheating as her 'weapon', so anytime she might feel offended or her mood gets bad there's a good chance she'll make use of her connections.

 

Something broke in her when she fell for a serial cheater and married him before realizing that you can't change people and that she's not special enough to change her 'bad boy'.

 

And you can't tell her to quit her dancing; she'll resent you for it or use that as leverage to make you jealous or other drama.

 

Look elsewhere if monogamy is what you need.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Did you guys ever hear the one about the dude who married a stripper and went on to have a happy life?

 

 

 

 

me neither.

[oldshirt]

People are like dogs in that different breeds are used for different things. If you want a race dog you get a greyhound not a bulldog. If you want an attack dog you get a pit bull not a goldendoodle. If you want a lap dog for your grandma you get a yorky not a St Bernard.

 

She is a messed up party girl that is good for a pump and dump from the bar and was never bred and designed to be a stable, faithful GF or wife.

 

She may be hot, perky, fun, sexy and passionate about many things, but she will never be stable or responsible or faithful. People are what they do and not what they say and not what they hope to be.

 

If she married a cheating, womanizing playah' and then went out and screwed the whole neighborhood, then that is who and what she is. She has shown you who she is, so believe her.

 

You are a playa' yourself and this is some bar girl you brought home from the bar because she had nice guys and a cute ass. History is repeating itself, she digs playa' s from the bar.

 

If you happen to doink some chick some night, you know what she'll do in retaliation.

 

At this point you are gonna say, "yeah but Oldshirt, I'll change and I'll be faithful and I won't play around anymore or cheat on her!"

 

Ahh but there is the paradox my young padawan - she doesn't like faithful, stable, responsible men. She likes playa' s and ladies men that take home chicks from the bar.

 

She can't respect you and admire you and be attracted to you unless you are hooking up with chicks from the bar, so she will likely lose interest and cheat on you with some douche playa from the club that she sees as a "real man."

 

But it you are true to your nature and continue to take home chicks, how long will it be before she gets posses off at you for some reason and lines a bunch of dudes up and pulls a train in the parking lot????

 

Do you see the paradox and the irony???

 

This is a no-win scenario if your goal is a traditional, exclusive relationship.

 

She is broken and your current lifestyle and attitude and behavior towards women are what attracts her dysfunctional self towards you. If you become a normal, decent guy in a traditional relationship, she will lose interest and either cheat or just be gone one day (think of Jenny in Forest Gump. So yeah she may eventually settle down but by then she'll be full of critters in her kooter and have a bunch of illegitimate ragamuffins)

 

But if you maintain your current lifestyle, how can you be assured you won't piss her off or make her feel neglected or slighted some time in the next 40 years.

 

She's simply not relationship material and the reason she's blowing you is you're not relationship material either. You're both playa' s.

 

Your options with her are -

 

-walk away (very legitimate option)

 

- get involved with her and take your chances (Pretty much guaranteed to end in flames and explosions but it will be an interesting ride)

 

- continue seeing each other as playa' s and have fun with no expectations of exclusivity and no future plans or investments beyond tonight.

 

- get involved/marry etc but have some kind of open marriage/swinging relationship.

 

 

This gal is a coyote. As far as cohorts go, she may be one of the best. But she will never be a golden retriever.

[Ronni_W]

NoDice,

she's got you by the gonies because you gave her something to which to argue against...and you have no way of proving that her rebuttal is not "valid and true".

 

It does NOT MATTER if she is go-go dancing for validation or for something else. It does NOT MATTER if that "something else" is a higher or a lower cause than "validation".

 

The only thing that should matter, TO YOU, is that you don't like it. Meaning, you need to end this relationship with this go-go dancer. You cannot change whatever is going on, on her side and within her.

 

*IF* you decide to stay, then that means that you are explicitly and implicitly accepting ALL of it; ALL OF HER...and, with such acceptance, which then ought be unconditional, you also give up the right to bitch about any of it.

 

YOU ALONE get to decide the pros and the cons of staying or going. And, once you've applied your logic and reason and wisdom and desires and dislikes, then, WHATEVER you decide, you give up the right to bitch or be regretful about what you decided, chose for yourself, of your own free will.

 

Quite sitting on the fence, and just decide what you want for your own self...and, for goodness' sake, just choose what will bring you the most happiness, peace, fulfillment in the long-term. (From your post, it doesn't sound like this is it.)

[loveboid]

I have to agree with above posters. If you continue to date her you are a guy who dates cheating go go girls.

[aliveagain]

Your dating someone that you already knew what they did to make a living before you dated her. You made the decision to date and move in with her, this was your choice. If your at a point that your becoming serious about her and you want to take things to the next level than yes you should talk to her about your concerns. The two of you should sit down and decide on what you both want your relationship to be, decide on the boundaries your both willing to uphold and enjoy what you have. She may think the same thing about DJ's.

[oldshirt]

Your dating someone that you already knew what they did to make a living before you dated her. You made the decision to date and move in with her, this was your choice. If your at a point that your becoming serious about her and you want to take things to the next level than yes you should talk to her about your concerns. The two of you should sit down and decide on what you both want your relationship to be, decide on the boundaries your both willing to uphold and enjoy what you have. She may think the same thing about DJ's.

 

The problem is when they "talk", she is going to say she wants a stable, supportive, loving, faithful relationship and a house with a white picket fence and 2.3 kids and a golden retriever named Goldie.

 

But it's all talk and fantasy. People are what they do, they are their actions not their words. She's a club dancer that screws whatever dude of the week that makes her giggle that night. Good chance she gets her supply of meth and weed from blowing dudes in the parking lot too.

 

Her fantasies and dreams of the simple life don't mean squat when she's pissed or feeling small and insignificant or she gets a golden opportunity for some extra smack in some dealers pants while noone's looking.

 

"Talk" doesn't turn club girls into relationship material.

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't know why you asked her to move in with you. First, you had to know her track record and second, you barely know her. Two months in a relationship is just the beginning of the book and you jumped almost to the end.

[Keenly]

If some one told you they were a con artist, would you let them convince you to give them money?

 

 

that's exactly what you are doing here, only with a much more precious resource.

[atreides]

I am very hard on waywards... but at the same time i don't let the actions of today define the actions of tomorrow.

 

It is a risk, but we are all at risk... nothing is guaranteed.

 

That said, take my wife... because of past behaviors there is no Girls night out... that bridge has been burnt or doing things that involve higher risk with drinking and such.

 

She at least is open with you about her past.

 

I would give her a chance... i know it is the lone opinion on this thread but... i would give her a chance on conditions the go-go dancing ends and any other concern you have be satisfied and it gets verified. If she hesitates or gives resistance, then you do need to move on.

Certain behaviors when we are single must be left behind when we decide to commit to someone else....

[Keenly]

I am very hard on waywards... but at the same time i don't let the actions of today define the actions of tomorrow.

 

It is a risk, but we are all at risk... nothing is guaranteed.

 

That said, take my wife... because of past behaviors there is no Girls night out... that bridge has been burnt or doing things that involve higher risk with drinking and such.

 

She at least is open with you about her past.

 

I would give her a chance... i know it is the lone opinion on this thread but... i would give her a chance on conditions the go-go dancing ends and any other concern you have be satisfied and it gets verified. If she hesitates or gives resistance, then you do need to move on.

Certain behaviors when we are single must be left behind when we decide to commit to someone else....

 

You don't solve problems or trust issues by making demands, ultimatums, or trying to change some one.

[atreides]

You don't solve problems or trust issues by making demands, ultimatums, or trying to change some one.

 

It is her choice as I clearly stated... and we ALL CHANGE when we commit to someone else whether you know it or not. As a matter of fact, CHANGE is constant... there are many here on LS whom have changed for the better from being a wayward to better selves and most of the time from demands and the like.

 

On a side note and in my opinion... too many times have problems been solved by ultimatums, demands and etc... i see it all the time and most of the time for the better. In either case when it does not work out, the result is clear and not in limbo. As for the OP, he can present his conditions and she can say no... problem solved.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Best guide to future behaviour is past behaviour. End it.

[aussietigerwolf]

So the girl gives up her job for him, then what? Is he going to support her? What happens when he gets tired of his now tame gf? Is the op prepared to give up his job that is filled with temptation as well.