How to Cope on the Other Side of GIGS

[Boomshine]

If you're done, you're not on here posting about how done you are.. Fact.

 

This guy has a road ahead..not judging..but..fact.

 

Op..look at this situation from the outside.. I've seen some good advice from you on here, but, like us all..easier said than done.

 

Good luck.

 

I posted my coping mechanism (switching how I view the situation) to hopefully help others who might be dealing with the same. I very much enjoy helping others, and if I can use my experiences and gatherings to do that, I will always do that.

 

However, I think what you're looking for is this: In action, I'm done. In mentality, no it's not done yet. That will take time. I found a hack to make the process easier for myself though, by reframing the situation. I know with time, I will break this emotional attachment and she will be very much less (if even ever) a passing thought in my mind. But it's not something that's going to happen in two weeks. Not after knowing this woman for over 6 years. Not after being best friends for 6 years, and dating for 5 years. Give me time. I'll get there. It's already better than it was two weeks ago.

[Simon Phoenix]

Then all I can say is give me time to prove that won't be the case.

 

So when she inevitably texts or calls, are you going to respond? Or are you going to let it go and keep trucking on your quest to recover and move forward?

[Boomshine]

So your coping mechanism is to obsessively psychoanalyze her and decide that she's making horrible, destructive life choices? That, more than the holding on to hope, is what makes me think you're ignoring reality. You are basically blaming the dissolution of your relationship on her own supposed mental illness and disorders.

 

It's genuinely frightening that you believe you know what's best for her. The most important part of healing after a breakup is accepting that your former partner made a choice not to be with you. She made the choice by herself, in her own sound mind, and has clearly decided she feels better moving forward; if she didn't, she'd reach out to you. It's so painful to realize that the other person prefers their life without us, but that same realization makes us stronger. After all, why should you spend so much energy on someone who doesn't even want to be with you?

 

You should look into the concept of "radical acceptance". It is very useful for dealing with all kinds of difficult life events, including breakups, and makes it easier to acknowledge your own role in the situation.

 

Not a single word of this is the case at all. And if radical acceptance is anything like absolute acceptance (I'm sure they're one and the same), I have that. This situation is what it is. Though I hope for better in the future, I still very much accept the present for what it is.

[Boomshine]

So when she inevitably texts or calls, are you going to respond? Or are you going to let it go and keep trucking on your quest to recover and move forward?

 

Depends on many factors. But I'll say this, if it's any time in the next month or two, and has nothing to do with anything tragic (God forbid such as her grandmother potentially passing away), then my suspicion alarm will definitely go off and I'll let it go. She will get no sensation of a friendship from me whatsoever.

[Simon Phoenix]

Depends on many factors. But I'll say this, if it's any time in the next month or two, and has nothing to do with anything tragic (God forbid such as her grandmother potentially passing away), then my suspicion alarm will definitely go off and I'll let it go. She will get no sensation of a friendship from me whatsoever.

 

Not exactly what I was hoping to hear, but exactly what I was expecting to hear.

[NopeNah]

So your coping mechanism is to obsessively psychoanalyze her and decide that she's making horrible, destructive life choices? That, more than the holding on to hope, is what makes me think you're ignoring reality. You are basically blaming the dissolution of your relationship on her own supposed mental illness and disorders.

 

It's genuinely frightening that you believe you know what's best for her. The most important part of healing after a breakup is accepting that your former partner made a choice not to be with you. She made the choice by herself, in her own sound mind, and has clearly decided she feels better moving forward; if she didn't, she'd reach out to you. It's so painful to realize that the other person prefers their life without us, but that same realization makes us stronger. After all, why should you spend so much energy on someone who doesn't even want to be with you?

 

You should look into the concept of "radical acceptance". It is very useful for dealing with all kinds of difficult life events, including breakups, and makes it easier to acknowledge your own role in the situation.

Damn.. Deep, man!…. Seriously, well said!

[Boomshine]

Not exactly what I was hoping to hear, but exactly what I was expecting to hear.

 

What were you hoping to hear?

[Simon Phoenix]

What were you hoping to hear?

 

That you were truly done and turning the page and going to give No Contact a legitimate try and staying out of contact with her until you were truly recovered, moved on, and indifferent. That doesn't sound like you're turning the page -- more like placing a bookmark in a place where you can resume reading.

[Boomshine]

That you were truly done and turning the page and going to give No Contact a legitimate try and staying out of contact with her until you were truly recovered, moved on, and indifferent. That doesn't sound like you're turning the page -- more like placing a bookmark in a place where you can resume reading.

 

Right. Let me take another whack at it then.

 

So when she inevitably texts or calls, are you going to respond? Or are you going to let it go and keep trucking on your quest to recover and move forward?

 

Assuming that we're talking about the very next time she reaches out to me, the answer is absolutely not. And the same is true for every time she reaches out and tries to act like there's currently some level of companionship between us. The only exception to NC is if something truly catastrophic happens.

 

I'm willing to bet I recover, move on, and gain indifference before she wakes up from GIGS. If the opposite is true however, and I have not achieved those things prior to her awakening, then I will continue until I HAVE achieved those things.

[me85]

"I posted my coping mechanism (switching how I view the situation) to hopefully help others who might be dealing with the same. I very much enjoy helping others, and if I can use my experiences and gatherings to do that, I will always do that.

 

However, I think what you're looking for is this: In action, I'm done. In mentality, no it's not done yet. That will take time. I found a hack to make the process easier for myself though, by reframing the situation. I know with time, I will break this emotional attachment and she will be very much less (if even ever) a passing thought in my mind. But it's not something that's going to happen in two weeks. Not after knowing this woman for over 6 years. Not after being best friends for 6 years, and dating for 5 years. Give me time. I'll get there. It's already better than it was two weeks ago."

 

Understood. Completely understood. So what is it that you think you're still struggling with?

[Simon Phoenix]

Right. Let me take another whack at it then.

 

 

 

Assuming that we're talking about the very next time she reaches out to me, the answer is absolutely not. And the same is true for every time she reaches out and tries to act like there's currently some level of companionship between us. The only exception to NC is if something truly catastrophic happens.

 

I'm willing to bet I recover, move on, and gain indifference before she wakes up from GIGS. If the opposite is true however, and I have not achieved those things prior to her awakening, then I will continue until I HAVE achieved those things.

 

That's better. Though it is weird that you are treating GIGS like she came down with the flu or something. But I'll play along just to say that there's no guarantee that waking up from "GIGS" will result in her having a romantic relationship with you. In fact, I think the odds of that happen are very low. She's more likely to find someone else during "GIGS" that she'll connect with. So I would be prepared for that.

[Boomshine]

"I posted my coping mechanism (switching how I view the situation) to hopefully help others who might be dealing with the same. I very much enjoy helping others, and if I can use my experiences and gatherings to do that, I will always do that.

 

However, I think what you're looking for is this: In action, I'm done. In mentality, no it's not done yet. That will take time. I found a hack to make the process easier for myself though, by reframing the situation. I know with time, I will break this emotional attachment and she will be very much less (if even ever) a passing thought in my mind. But it's not something that's going to happen in two weeks. Not after knowing this woman for over 6 years. Not after being best friends for 6 years, and dating for 5 years. Give me time. I'll get there. It's already better than it was two weeks ago."

 

Understood. Completely understood. So what is it that you think you're still struggling with?

 

That's just it. I don't feel like I'm struggling with anything anymore. I mean, sure, the emotional detachment from her is still a work in progress, but it doesn't seem impossible as it once has. I only wanted to help others, as I've found this has been helping me thus far. I honestly think I'm on the right path, and time will tell whether that's true or not. If not, I'll course-correct as needed, but until then, the only way to know is to try.

 

That's better. Though it is weird that you are treating GIGS like she came down with the flu or something. But I'll play along just to say that there's no guarantee that waking up from "GIGS" will result in her having a romantic relationship with you. In fact, I think the odds of that happen are very low. She's more likely to find someone else during "GIGS" that she'll connect with. So I would be prepared for that.

 

Right, I dig that entirely. Good looking out brother. We'll see how things turn out. Regardless of what happens though, I CAN guarantee you I will keep on kickin. Nothing's slowing my train down anymore. I woke up 2.5 years ago after the very first break up, and I'm not letting my personal mission get derailed / delayed any longer.

[Boomshine]

Understood. Completely understood. So what is it that you think you're still struggling with?

 

And it just came to me a few minutes ago... I'm realizing what the issue is here. My topic title looks like it's a question.

 

I'm not asking how to cope with being involved with a GIGS situation, I'm trying to share with others how it is that I HAVE been coping with it. I should rephrase the title, I reckon.

[me85]

And it just came to me a few minutes ago... I'm realizing what the issue is here. My topic title looks like it's a question.

 

I'm not asking how to cope with being involved with a GIGS situation, I'm trying to share with others how it is that I HAVE been coping with it. I should rephrase the title, I reckon.

 

Ya I figured that out a while back. LOL

 

I just mean, are you in good spirits these days; experiencing little to no sadness about your BU?

 

Because that's the state I'm in. I'm over my ex but every once in a while, the pain of the BU and the aftermath of it - will sometimes knock me off my balance a bit. Good thing is it rarely ever happens anymore and when it does it only lasts like part of the day. Then I'm fine again.

 

That's only because I've grown stronger from fighting an extremely hard battle with myself. lol

[Boomshine]

Ya I figured that out a while back. LOL

 

I just mean, are you in good spirits these days; experiencing little to no sadness about your BU?

 

Because that's the state I'm in. I'm over my ex but every once in a while, the pain of the BU and the aftermath of it - will sometimes knock me off my balance a bit. Good thing is it rarely ever happens anymore and when it does it only lasts like part of the day. Then I'm fine again.

 

That's only because I've grown stronger from fighting an extremely hard battle with myself. lol

 

From breaking up from intimacy, totally. Last time we were intimate was end of April, she said she didn't want to have sex anymore, and I was okay with it because if I'm going to be intimate with someone, I want them to legitimately want it as well. No pity lays.

 

From breaking up from friendship, not yet. That's the process I'm going through now, and while it's tough (obviously), it's better than it was. With how much I've been able to look at many facets of the situation with a different perspective, it's taken away a lot of the pain, anguish, and suffering I've been feeling.

 

And I'M the one who decided we couldn't be friends anymore. I saw us in a s***ty situation, and knew I had to walk away. It's just painful because the situation became one where I felt I had to walk away in the first place. That feeling of "Why'd it have to be this way?", you know?

 

But changing all of how this appears, by instead of looking at it as her doing things that aren't healthy for her, looking at it ss actually healthy because it means she goes through the GIGS and eventually comes out of it. Then when she does, she'll be healthier, and not dancing between fantasy and reality as she's been doing since the beginning of 2013 really.

 

By the way, my "fascination" with her GIGS is nothing to do with any desire of being in a relationship with her again. I simply want my friend back, and I can't be her friend while she's seeing anyone prior to having a passion for herself secured down. For the past 8 or so years, she's only been TRULY single for maybe a total of 4-6 months. She really needs to take some time to have 100% commitment to herself and find things that make her happy. And after she's found one of those things, I can be totally happy for her, be her friend, and not give a damn about if she's seeing someone.

 

But right now, she's definitely still depressed. And her mood is fluctuating like crazy between her periods of being single and seeing someone. It changes how she behaves, and it's really just not okay. And something I no longer want to be party to. Hence my walking away.

 

I want her to be happy. And truly happy, because she has something that will always be there and give her identity, fulfillment, confidence, make her self-assured, and all sorts of other traits she has expressed desire for herself. Unlike the temporary happiness felt because there's a new lover in her life. I guarantee, as soon as he's gone, if she's made no further progress toward finding herself than where she's currently at, she's going to come crashing right back down again, and feeling the pangs of the depression all the more.

 

Someone used the metaphor of "using a bandage to cover a gunshot wound." This guy's presence is just a "happy pill" to make her feel better, but it only lasts for as long as he's present. This woman deserves long-lasting, true happiness, that doesn't rely any specific person to be there (like a lover). And I feel guilty for her falling into this depression in the first place as it happened when we were living together. We moved out of our hometown, away from all of our friends, abandoned everything that gave us unique identities, and like Lord of the Flies, Sam and Eric became Samneric. I could have been a better leader in that relationship. I could have lead more of my own life, essentially forcing her to do the same since I wouldn't have been around as much.

 

I've fixed my depression now, and I love (love, not in love) this woman so much, that I want the same for her. I was trying to help her with finding herself by giving encouragement and ideas for her to explore on her own. Shockingly though (sarcasm), it's been to no avail. Especially because although she DOES want to find these things for herself, these passions and purposes to her own life, the thing she'd rather explore right now is "sowing her wild oats" (AKA GIGS).

 

But at least after "sowing her wild oats" for a while, she'll come to the realization that it's not for her, and it's really done nothing to benefit her having more self-identity and happiness, and then she'll get on the right path. THAT is what's significant to me. I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm looking for her to find the woman she's destined to become. And she's only delaying that with GIGS. And that hurts me all the further.

 

I know all of this not because I've done crazy amounts of psychoanalyzing her, but in that her situation is practically the same as mine was. I know all about it because I went through it too. And just as how for the last 2 years, I've been coaching people about dating, relationships, healing from breakups, and just generally making their lives more awesome, I want to be able to help her too. Unfortunately, you can only help those who want to be helped. So I'm done trying entirely. She can do things how she wants to do them, but I can't be around to watch it, because it'll just cause me more and more pain. So I hope the best for her, I hope she comes out of her GIGS, drops her new boytoy friend(s), picks up the phone and makes an exerted effort to reestablish a better friendship with three of her best friends who hardly speak now (myself being one), and gets on the right path toward finding what really makes her HER.

 

And that is why I'll never abandon hope.

 

So there ya have my story. Can't wait to see all the hate responses I get for this one now. But at least now you can know more about why I have the stance that I do about this.

Edited September 19, 2014 by Boomshine