funnypumpkin Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 I was seeing a guy for a month and a half, approx. I met him online. We had a great first date, and ended up going out dancing on a weeknight when we both worked the next day. I had a lot of fun with him, he was really sweet and seemed to really be into me. He would come see me when I was with my friends and text me every day, in the morning, at night, whenever. However, the second time I saw him he was trying to go home with me, and he was really coming off strong. I didn't really like that and backed off, got a bit distant. He tried harder, texting me throughout the week, and I figured I'd give him a shot. We hung out more and he tried to get me to go to bed a few more times, but I guess it's normal to try. After 3 weeks, I felt ready. He came over one night, with a bottle of champagne and we watched a movie. He made no moves. I thought it was sweet he was acting like a gentleman. The next time we went out, I slept with him. So, it was almost a month, I figured that would be long enough to weed out anyone who wasn't serious. Here's another weird thing that gave me doubts at first - he had 2 apartments (rented rooms, not whole apts). He had one apt close to me, and another close to his job, which was an hour away. What I understood was he had always lived close to me, but when he got a job far away, he ended up renting a room there during the week. He was here on a work visa, so I can understand he couldn't be picky with a job. But since he worked one day a week from home, there were about 3 days a week he would be close to me. In that first month, I saw him 2-3 times a week. I had my reservations about the whole set up, but I figured I'd see where it goes. So, after about a month of sweetness (including sweet words and nicknames - common signs of a player), I slept with him. It wasn't great, it was very short, and there wasn't much foreplay or making out. But I figured it's the first time, so I'll see. I stayed over and the next morning, I tried to initiate sex but he preferred to sleep. We did finally go for it, but again, very short, no intimacy, like a quickie. I've had casual relationships before, and even if the guy isn't interested in a relationship, the sex can still be very passionate. The last time I saw him, again, he didn't really want to have sex, and when we did, it was like a quickie, no intimacy, and he went soft (Sorry, I'm just trying to understand this). Anyway, he was still texting me every day, but it seemed like he wasn't trying so hard to make plans to see me. He went away one weekend on a planned vacation, so it was going to be almost 2 weeks I didn't see him. We were texting and getting flirty, and I half-jokingly said, OMG I want to see you, when are coming here? And he replied HOPEFULLY this weekend, but I'm very busy. This hopefully was becoming quite frequent. I didn't like it. He wasn't trying to see me or make plans to see me. My friend suggested I look on his dating profile to see if he was active, so I did, and (1) his profile was active (fine, no big deal, it's still very soon), (2) he was last active yesterday (again, not going to make a big deal about this, BUT (3) he had uploaded a new picture from that vacation he went on (he had texted me that pic too so I knew it). So he was definitely active on the site and looking to find someone. What to do? I ended it with him by text. I probably should have in person, but who knew when I would see him again, and I just had to say something. He didn't even try, he basically said I have problems with time, I understand, and good luck. I felt bad I got angry, because maybe I was expecting too much too soon from him, so the next day I apologized for expecting too much from him, but reiterated that obviously it's not working since he's not trying to see me. He replied I understand, it's hard we live so far apart, this is normal, we can be friends. I said ok, sounds good. A few days later I noticed he defriended me on facebook. That stung a bit. So, I know the right decision was to end it. But this situation seems so weird. Any thoughts? It does seem like he's a player, but then why didn't he want sex? We had a lot of affection and PDA (touching, and kissing, but not heavy make out sessions), and he waited around for several weeks until we had sex. We're not 15, we're in our 30s. Anyway, I just wanted to understand this better. I was in a 10 year relationship that ended last year and am trying to learn. What are your thoughts?
HappyLove Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 "I met him online." There's your problem! When will women learn? Renting convenient rooms? Sounds married.
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 Sounds like he's just playing the field and likely seeing other women. You need to stop seeing him, he's not worth it and ultimately not that interested in you.
Author funnypumpkin Posted September 17, 2014 Author Posted September 17, 2014 (edited) I don't think people are reading the whole post. @HappyLove _ What's wrong with online? Yes, the rooms thing sounded off. And being married was a thought I had. I did go and stay over though. I also was friends with him on facebook, and there didn't seem anything weird. Of course he could limit what I saw, but I had the ability to post and did like some of his posts. @Ninjainpajamas - I know, I guess you didn't read the whole thing, that I did end it when that became apparent. I was trying to get some more insight on the situation. Seems obvious he was a player, but then why didn't he want to have sex? That's what I don't understand. Edited September 17, 2014 by funnypumpkin
HappyLove Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 "What's wrong with online?" It's a waste of time and works for very FEW people.
Author funnypumpkin Posted September 17, 2014 Author Posted September 17, 2014 (edited) "What's wrong with online?" It's a waste of time and works for very FEW people. I'm not looking for marriage, just to meet people and date. I'm trying to learn. And I do think online works for a lot of people, I know several. Also, I've actually gotten off the dating site, but for a different reason - I got addicted to meeting new people /constant dating and needed to cool off and be on my own for a while. Anyway, I didn't ask whether online dating is useful. I was asking about the guy, trying to get insight, so I can spot this next time I come across someone like him again. Edited September 17, 2014 by funnypumpkin
HappyLove Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 I'm not looking for marriage, just to meet people and date. I'm trying to learn. And I do think online works for a lot of people, I know several. Also, I've actually gotten off the sites, but for a different reason - I got addicted to meeting new people /constant dating and needed to cool off and be on my own for a while. Anyway, I didn't ask whether online dating is useful. I was asking about the guy, trying to get insight, so I can spot this next time I come across someone like him again. Well he gave you a boat load of red flags that you chose to ignore. Trying to go home with you second date, pushing for sex, the rented rooms, player talk... Start paying attention to red flags. The situation isn't weird at all. Unfortunately it's very common with online especially. The men chat you up like crazy acting so into you. They get what they want then fade out and on to the next...wash, rinse, repeat.
Crila16 Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 Hate to break it to you, but this guy is married or living with someone. Most likely married. He loves the chase and once he gets it, loses interest. He's got issues. I'm sorry you were a victim, but anytime a guy comes on strong like that and pushes for sex...it's what he wants. And no...it's not normal for a guy to try for sex so soon, if he really cares and respects you and wants a future with you. Keep in mind that a guy that really likes you, is going to be nervous around you and watch everything he does and says so he doesn't screw it up with you. Just like how you act when you're around a guy you really like. They're no different. A guy you barely know, that feeds you pretty words and tells you how sexy and hot you are...watch out for them. They're just looking to get laid. A guys that is on best behavior and asks about you...he likes you.
oldshirt Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 Online dating works for women. As long as you use your head and protect youself and use common sense and safety practices, don't be afraid to use it. It's average and below average guys that are wasting their time and money on OLD. Women generally do fine. now as far as being a player, I suppose that depends on what your definition of a player is. If your definition is a guy that goes to bars several nights a week and uses a bunch of canned lines and pick up routines on every woman he sees, then maybe and maybe not. Not enough info provided. If your definition is a guy who gets dates with women and is only interested in the fun and sexual aspect of it and puts no real effort into the the relationship aspects of dating - again maybe and maybe not. You state that you are looking to get out and meet people and not necessarily looking for marriage, so perhaps his exit is because he was looking for relationship material and decided you weren't it and he moved on. My guess is he's somewhere in the middle and was wanting to get out and date and meet people and have some fun and also interested primarily in the sexual aspect and once he'd been there a few times, agreed with you that it was somewhat lackluster and also didn't see much LTR potential and moved on to keep looking. I see no foul here. Yes he was making his wants clearly known but that is what is effective. It's the squeaky hinge that gets the oil and "nice guys" get friendzoned so I can't blame him there. You had multiple dates and lots of personal interaction and didn't have sex for a month so I'd have to call that legitimate dating. You did say no several times and he respected your wishes yet continued to interact and date you. My assessment is this was simply a near-miss and a dating scenario that ran its course. No harm, no foul. Cross that one off your list and get back on the horse and go out with someone else and get to know them and see where that goes. That's what dating is.
Author funnypumpkin Posted September 17, 2014 Author Posted September 17, 2014 Thanks everyone. I guess I just wanted to get some feedback to use for the future. I am sort of new to dating and trying to figure it out (I was with one person from ages 20-30). I've talked to my friends, everyone agrees I made the right decision to end things. I just wanted to understand this better. Maybe you can never fully understand. I'm still not clear as to what exactly happened. Was he a player just in it for the chase (so I know to spot it in the future), or did he just decide he wasn't so into me? He didn't tell me and I sure can't ask him.
Crila16 Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 Funny...yes. The reason you're left confused and wondering, is because he was being a player. You're not a player, so it's not computing in your head. He used you for sex. Yes. It's blatantly obvious. I know you don't want to believe it...but it is true. He's now moved onto another target. You also don't need for him to give you closure. You need to give yourself closure and slam the door in his face. He uses women...is most likely married...and does this to other women. Red flags were everywhere. If he is married, my heart breaks for his wife. Just be thankful that this guy did you a huge favor and is now gone from your life. Now you're free to meet a decent guy. Just stay away from guys who aggressively pursue, talk about a future with you too soon and talk about sex right away. They're the ones that come on like wildfire and then disappear. 1
ja123 Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 Yes, he was a player. Yes, you did the right thing by ending it. Try not to think about all the reasons why on his end. Sometimes you'll never know and someone times the person himself doesn't even know. Just think, "I didn't want him any way!" And pat yourself on the back for dumping him. You'll meet a lot of types on OLD, so it's going to take a lot of sifting, knowing what you want, and keeping a level-head so as to find the right guy who is serious. In the meantime, you might try other venues such as meetup dot com or volunteering to meet people. Don't be afraid to ask to see STI tests, either. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 I'll agree with the others and venture that he's not exactly single, and was looking for a side-piece. Or, he could be technically single but seeing a few women and found someone he wanted to spend more time with.
d0nnivain Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 I don't think he was a player. I think he was a cad. If you're spide-y senses are tingling & that inner voice in your head is giving you pause, listen to it.
stillafool Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 I So, after about a month of sweetness (including sweet words and nicknames - common signs of a player), I slept with him. It wasn't great, it was very short, and there wasn't much foreplay or making out. But I figured it's the first time, so I'll see. I stayed over and the next morning, I tried to initiate sex but he preferred to sleep. So after you acknowledged he showed signs of being a Player, you slept with him. Wow! What to do? I ended it with him by text. I probably should have in person, but who knew when I would see him again, and I just had to say something. He didn't even try, he basically said I have problems with time, I understand, and good luck. I felt bad I got angry, because maybe I was expecting too much too soon from him, so the next day I apologized for expecting too much from him, but reiterated that obviously it's not working since he's not trying to see me. He replied I understand, it's hard we live so far apart, this is normal, we can be friends. I said ok, sounds good. A few days later I noticed he defriended me on facebook. That stung a bit. You definitely gave him the out he was looking for. Players normally get alot of sex so they aren't as needy for it as some guys. The fact that he wasn't trying to make sex special for you with oral and foreplay is very telling. He just wanted to get off. So, I know the right decision was to end it. But this situation seems so weird. Any thoughts? It does seem like he's a player, but then why didn't he want sex? Because he isn't needy for it. Yes this guy seems like a player and now he's on to the next one. You did the right thing by ending it because he was going to end it anyway.
Author funnypumpkin Posted September 17, 2014 Author Posted September 17, 2014 I So after you acknowledged he showed signs of being a Player, you slept with him. Wow! You definitely gave him the out he was looking for. Players normally get alot of sex so they aren't as needy for it as some guys. The fact that he wasn't trying to make sex special for you with oral and foreplay is very telling. He just wanted to get off. Because he isn't needy for it. Yes this guy seems like a player and now he's on to the next one. You did the right thing by ending it because he was going to end it anyway. I acknowledge these were signs of a player now, not that I realized it before. My ex was also like that right in the beginning (and we were together for 10 years), and him and this guy were from the same country, and I've noticed that men from that country are very affectionate right from the beginning. I actually told him "I guess I did you a favor," he just replied "yea maybe." The thing is, even when it's clear the relationship will not be anything serious, the guy will almost always absolutely try to please. This was just him then, not necessarily a sign of him being a player. Not the first time a guy was only interested in one thing from me. The difference was that he didn't even actually want it. But this is a good insight, the fact that he wasn't needy for it. Seems strange to me so I hadn't thought of it. I was also thinking he felt guilty about it for whatever reason. I wasn't sure of him from the beginning. I figured I'd see how it goes, give him the benefit of the doubt, but did not let myself get too invested. I thought if he stayed around even though I made him wait for sex, then that would show me he wasn't a player. But that wasn't the case because he actually liked the chase part, it seems. What I learned from this is to trust my instinct. My instinct said something was off, but my friends told me to stop worrying so much. I'm not a particularly jealous or insecure person, so my instincts are probably spot on. Instead, I decided to trust what he said to me and see where it lead. I just don't want to end up the kind of person who can't trust. Just need to be more aware, and this experience, as well as the discussion here, helped a lot. Thanks everyone.
HappyLove Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 "I was also thinking he felt guilty about it for whatever reason." His wife. ALWAYS trust your instincts! And don't listen to your friends anymore.
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