merrmeade Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 I could not agree more. Being with a WW, I know counselling and talking about things is primarily to repair and rebuild. But it involves the WS being required account for their actions. It's nice that they can call a time out because they don't like getting emotionally beat up. But as a betrayed spouse, there is no time out from the emotional turmoil. No time out is right, Right There. Thanks for the validation.
merrmeade Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 ... Helpful to hear other people's thoughts. But honestly, my preference would be to get back to a happy place...Well, of course. That happy place where no one asked, no one suspected, no one looked and someone sneaked off. THAT happy place? ...I've been VERY tempted during our marriage as well, and at one point received one of those offers that was pretty hard to refuse. But I refused it.... and then for months I thought about it... a lot. So I know how that crap goes. You made the point yourself.
ComingInHot Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 1. Listening to people who haven't been through it say " Oh if my wife cheated, I'd toss her ass to the curb that day." Yeah... ok. 2. Thinking about how the OM got married just a few years later and gets to go on with his happy ass life and new marriage, while mine is still a wreck. 3. Watching just about ANY movie these days. So many of them glorify cheating and romanticize the OP 4. Watching her sleep when I can't. 5. Sitting next to her at weddings watching two other people exchange vows that you know didn't mean squat to her, and probably won't to these two either. 6. Being this new, jaded, critical person, instead of the optimistic and nonjudgemental person I used to be. 7. Staying faithful, and wondering what I'm getting out of that. 8. Wondering if I am just delaying the inevitable, wasting my time, just to protect kids who might even be better off if we split up. 9. My wedding anniversary, and the stupid little cards we have to axchange that say things neither of us really mean. 10. Finding myself on a site like this, rehashing the same ol crap 5 years down the road. Hell, I could have become a doctor in less time... trustedthenbusted: 6., 8., & 10. for me. By #10 (the 5 yrs out statement ), I'm finally implementing #1 but ya know, delayed... trustedthenbusted, I wish I had the magic concoction to ease the constant turmoil bubbling beneath the surface threatening to explode at any unopportuned time. I used to feel like that until I let it go. Once I did that, I could breathe long enough to realize I had to walk away from Him. (Extenuating circumstances on top of A though)* Maybe step away for a while to catch your breath. Picture what you want that you CAN have , not what you cannot change*
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted October 11, 2014 Author Posted October 11, 2014 Well, of course. That happy place where no one asked, no one suspected, no one looked and someone sneaked off. THAT happy place?. Not exactly. But in the 8 years between her affairs, we had two kids, a business, visited several countries, built a house, and had a lot of laughs and love and happy times. And the four years before we got married were happy times. and if I'm being honest about it, we had happy times DURING her affair. Sure, there were lies and deceit and cheating for a few months out of the last 19 years, and for a long time I felt like her affairs wiped away all the good that ever took place. But then I realized that is giving them a LOT of power. And I'm not going to let something someone else did erase a 20 year chunk of MY life and happiness. I was happy back thine most of the time. I have the videos to prove it! Lol Now, my wife didn't runoff with some hot stud. She is very pretty woman and surely could have. But in both cases she hooked up with someone far lower in the spectrum that you would have ever thought. It was about on building herself up. And feeling superior and worshipped etc. She has issues. When I found out who they were she was mortified. Not only because of what she was caught doing, but of who it was with. She was humiliated and at one point actually tried to show me a picture of someone else. Anyway I know on that sounds judgmental but it is important. If it was some stud I might not have stuck around. I won't compete for my own wife. But because they were who they were, I was able to see that she wasn't in it for the party but for the attention and praise and idolizations etc. the emails I read confirmed this also. She seemed desperate. These were not love affairs, and the sex only happened when the free praise stopped and she had to keep the the whole thing going somehow. Anyway, she was a broken person. But we had a lot of good times together. My goal, as is the goal of any reconciliation, is to get back to the happy times only thistime do it with complete honesty and openness about what we both need. I'm giving her another shot. Just one. But if I don't give that shot 100% myself, then what is the point? 1
merrmeade Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 (edited) Not exactly. But in the 8 years between her affairs, we had two kids, a business, visited several countries, built a house, and had a lot of laughs and love and happy times. And the four years before we got married were happy times. and if I'm being honest about it, we had happy times DURING her affair. Sure, there were lies and deceit and cheating for a few months out of the last 19 years, and for a long time I felt like her affairs wiped away all the good that ever took place. But then I realized that is giving them a LOT of power. And I'm not going to let something someone else did erase a 20 year chunk of MY life and happiness. I was happy back thine most of the time. I have the videos to prove it! Lol Now, my wife didn't runoff with some hot stud. She is very pretty woman and surely could have. But in both cases she hooked up with someone far lower in the spectrum that you would have ever thought. It was about on building herself up. And feeling superior and worshipped etc. She has issues. When I found out who they were she was mortified. Not only because of what she was caught doing, but of who it was with. She was humiliated and at one point actually tried to show me a picture of someone else. Anyway I know on that sounds judgmental but it is important. If it was some stud I might not have stuck around. I won't compete for my own wife. But because they were who they were, I was able to see that she wasn't in it for the party but for the attention and praise and idolizations etc. the emails I read confirmed this also. She seemed desperate. These were not love affairs, and the sex only happened when the free praise stopped and she had to keep the the whole thing going somehow. Anyway, she was a broken person. But we had a lot of good times together. My goal, as is the goal of any reconciliation, is to get back to the happy times only this time do it with complete honesty and openness about what we both need. I'm giving her another shot. Just one. But if I don't give that shot 100% myself, then what is the point? I agree that understanding the person(s), personalities and psychology at the time is probably essential when dealing with multiple infidelities over a lifetime. I find I also need to re-sort the chronology of our lives together for my own sanity and sense of personhood. Dealing with the reasons for the affairs also seems to be essential - for the WS. Our MC is taking this step slowly (I think), working on my H, getting him ready. He realizes a lot of it and says he gains new perspective when he and I talk. I think there's always a hole they were trying to fill, some major personality fault that will be huge to face, the need for "the attention and praise and idolizations etc." This need for admiration - basic narcissism, isn't it? - is hard for me to grasp. My H keeps repeating the word "flattery" as a huge motivator. In fact, the OW were also not that great looking. It's totally weird and ironic to me because I, we were both knockouts. His virility and looks were utterly breath-taking, and I won two beauty contests without even entering. So go figure. It obviously wasn't about looks. His basic sense of self and need for validation is clearly so deep and dark even he can't find it. I think the issues seem to shift rather than resolve, which makes me doubt my capacity to continue waiting, waiting, waiting for him to grow up and be a loving, sensitive, actualized human being. My hope was that we would at last push out of the negative zone into new shared experiences and traditions with the motivation to do it right this time, not so much revisit the "happy place." To tell the truth, it wasn't so happy as yours, which is another thing to consider all by itself, I suppose. Anyway, I say "was" because I'm getting tired and pessimistic. Funny that the MC did that. The therapist asked one day, "How do you do it? Keep on waiting for him to talk?" I felt like I'd fallen across a finish line and could not crawl another inch. It IS a good thing to surrender responsibility for others and focus on one's own recovery - though not necessarily easier. Edited October 11, 2014 by merrmeade 1
dichotomy Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 (edited) I truly hope you find a place of happiness and contentment and trust. I don't know of many (if any) BH's here who stayed in the marriage, and put it all behind them and lived carefree happy content and without times of triggers. To me there is always a coping mechanism for BH's who stay married to WW. I think the WW's know this, mine does. Its a burden for both Just how much and what kind of coping mechanisms you use and how long. I have mine which empower me to cope. I hope you find yours. P.S. I think the ideal BH solution I have seen here was DTK3. Divorce, new young lovers, reconcile and remarry the ex. I suspect that will work for him. He was empowered and could accept reconciliation. Find your empowerment. Edited October 11, 2014 by dichotomy
merrmeade Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I truly hope you find a place of happiness and contentment and trust. I don't know of many (if any) BH's here who stayed in the marriage, and put it all behind them and lived carefree happy content and without times of triggers. To me there is always a coping mechanism for BH's who stay married to WW. I think the WW's know this, mine does. Its a burden for both Just how much and what kind of coping mechanisms you use and how long. I have mine which empower me to cope. I hope you find yours. P.S. I think the ideal BH solution I have seen here was DTK3. Divorce, new young lovers, reconcile and remarry the ex. I suspect that will work for him. He was empowered and could accept reconciliation. Find your empowerment.Are you limiting this intentionally to BHs in particular?
dichotomy Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 Are you limiting this intentionally to BHs in particular? No of course not...just speaking from my experience. I did not mean to imply BW have any less issues reconciling to a state of complete contentment and happiness.
merrmeade Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) In a previous post, I got all the abbreviations mixed up. Oh well. Just change those Ws, Bs, Hs and Ws 'til it makes sense. It should be obvious who's the a--hole. Edited October 12, 2014 by merrmeade
DasPope Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Yes. I found out about one 5 years ago that was active, and the comment " I found more" is me finding out about the first one, right after my wedding. There have been two, but I learned about both pretty much at the same time. Don't feel too bad ... my wife slept with some guy 3 days before our wedding and then another guy a week after we got back from the honeymoon. If it didn't happen to me I'd never have believed it.
Trr Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) But my kids are the air in my lungs, and I cannot voluntarily do ANYTHING that puts me in a different home from them. Not for every other weekend, not for a single night. She knows that if I even smell a hint of a whiff of the residue of a fart that I think smells like an affair, or anything that could be mistaken for one, I'm gone. No questions. No nothing. She's used up all her credits. Hi TTB, The two quotes of yours above seem to be at odds with each other. Would you in fact be willing to live apart from your kids if your wife hurt you again? Edited October 13, 2014 by Trr
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Hi TTB, The two quotes of yours above seem to be at odds with each other. Would you in fact be willing to live apart from your kids if your wife hurt you again? Yes. She did what she did and it came to light. Our relationship has now changed andI've commited to giving this new version my best effort. But if she pulled anything even close to that again, i wouldnt consider it MY decision to end the marriage, but hers. She knows the price for shenanigans. What i am saying is if she cheated again our marriage is over. But aside from that, im giving it another shot and Not going to voluntarily call it quits right now. Im giving her a second chance. But not a third.
Trr Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Did something change in the month since you made the statement about never living apart from your kids? And since separation is now on the table in some scenarios did this trigger a complete reevaluation of all your current options?
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Did something change in the month since you made the statement about never living apart from your kids? And since separation is now on the table in some scenarios did this trigger a complete reevaluation of all your current options? Nope. Nothings changed. I just wasnt very clear the first time. If she cheats, our marriage is over. That would not be MY doing. But if i left now, just because i gave up on reconcikiation, i would consider that voluntary. And i wont to that
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