You know what never gets easier?

[Allumere]

And another thing. I can understand how people feel like "staying for the kids" isn't the right choice. So I want to share my thoughts on it.

 

I've often referred to the kids as the "knot at the end of my rope" if not for them, I wouldn't even have considered reconciliation. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have suffered through the first 2.5 years of utter bull***** and lies, ultimately making it to a place where we could act like adults again . If not for them, I wouldn't be here now, venting my bad days here, so I don't do it when I walk in the door.

 

This isn't something you just "get over" or "let go." It's life changing, and takes a long time to get past. And you only get past it if you BOTH feel that way, and work at it. And working at it includes suffering through crappy days ( and sometimes weeks ) like the one I'm in right now. And if it weren't for them, I wouldn't even be trying. Nobody would tell a rape victim to just let it go. And that's sort of what we are. We've been emotionally violated against our will. And you need to find a reason to continue to move forward.

 

So... if it works, and our family stays intact, and things improve, I'll be damn glad I "stayed for the kids" because honestly, I can't think of a bette reason to keep trying.

 

It was good to hear some positives in your other postings....as we all know, this format although very useful is somewhat limiting as you can't possibly paint the whole picture. With that said, I can't help but feel you expend a lot of energy living this picture that in reality is still very distorted. In other words I feel like what you wrote out of anger and frustration was much closer to truth but that you choose to suppress those feelings a lot of the time.

 

Simply put, if I got a sense of peace from you in regards to staying then I would say this is working for you...I don't get that vibe from you and that is my concern.

[TrustedthenBusted]

It was good to hear some positives in your other postings....as we all know, this format although very useful is somewhat limiting as you can't possibly paint the whole picture. With that said, I can't help but feel you expend a lot of energy living this picture that in reality is still very distorted. In other words I feel like what you wrote out of anger and frustration was much closer to truth but that you choose to suppress those feelings a lot of the time.

 

Simply put, if I got a sense of peace from you in regards to staying then I would say this is working for you...I don't get that vibe from you and that is my concern.

 

 

Definitely not at peace 100% of the time. And what I wrote out of anger was reflective of what was going on at that time, yes. But it's not always like that. You know how it is...bad news travels at the speed of light, and good news never leaves the building.

 

We are still working on things. But there ARE periods of happiness, and when it comes to our kids, we offer then a very loving home. Lots of hugs, and kisses, and I love you's aplenty, and them seeing two parents who are united on the issues that affect them. She and I do not fight or yell at eachother ever. We have a very close-knit family life. The issues between my wife and I exist, and are sometimes difficult to deal with, and the kids see that. When she and I need to talk, we tell the kids we need to talk, and we'll go for a walk or something to do it. They see this, and I think they worry, but the know that sometimes things are hard.

 

But they also see 70% of their friends parents divorce and all the problems their friends tell tham about that. (Stuff those kids don't say to their parents.) And life is reality. So if I want my kids to see anything, it's reality. I want them to see that marriage is sometimes hard, but that you stick with it, and keep trying, and you stay together, and get through the crappy parts, because keeping a family together is important, and the strong families will make it through the really really tough parts. If I truly felt like we couldn't survive this, I'd call it quits. But I think we can.

 

If we are married for 50 years, and 10 of those years totally suck, that's still 80% good. That's a solid B. And I'll take a solid B. Those stats would get you into the Hall of Fame.

 

People always talk about leaving to go find happiness again... but isn't that what we did when we left our last partner to hook up with out spouse? There are no guarantees in life, so I choose to try to make it work with the devil I know, and love, and am invested with, rather than the one I don't.

 

It's just not always easy. If I recall, some priest mentioned this during some expensive ceremony I paid for some years ago...

[katielee]

 

 

If we are married for 50 years, and 10 of those years totally suck, that's still 80% good. That's a solid B. And I'll take a solid B. Those stats would get you into the Hall of Fame.

 

 

my Mom told me this - that people have bad years, decades of marriage. I was shocked. And disappointed. Does it really have to be this hard?

I need to get more happiness from my life besides him. But I have done every thing on my bucket list and have a great life. Hum drum shouldn't be a way of existence.

[TrustedthenBusted]

my Mom told me this - that people have bad years, decades of marriage. I was shocked. And disappointed. Does it really have to be this hard?

 

Apparently, yes. If it was easy, they wouldn't make you get on a stage in front of God and all your friends and family to promise that you'll stick with it.

 

I think it's ok to have bad years. You'd have bad years whether you were single or married, involved or alone. So marriage certainly offers no protections from misery. And as we've all learned, can actually be the cause of it.

 

So be it. It's hard. Just like every other thing in life that's worth it in the end. I'm ok with this. The trick is finding out whether your spouse is as equally committed NOW, when obviously before, they were not.

[happyman64]

The trick is finding out whether your spouse is as equally committed NOW, when obviously before, they were not.

 

Why not start with deciding if she is now worthy of your love at this point in your marriage.

 

If you feel she is then take her for a walk and ask her if she is as committed to the marriage as you are.

 

Get the truth. You deserve it.

 

And trust your gut.

 

HM

[RightThere]

So be it. It's hard. Just like every other thing in life that's worth it in the end. I'm ok with this. The trick is finding out whether your spouse is as equally committed NOW, when obviously before, they were not.

 

That is the million dollar question. The more you talk to them about their commitment level, the more frustrated they can become. Their actions will show they are committed, but as most BS's see, they were duped for months or years by their WS's commitment and actions during their affairs.

[katielee]

The trick is finding out whether your spouse is as equally committed NOW, when obviously before, they were not.

 

If only it were that. We would be healed as we are both committed. But we are both also are having trouble forgiving.

[TrustedthenBusted]

But we are both also are having trouble forgiving.

 

 

Yah... that is definitely the other trick.

 

 

To me, forgiveness doesn't mean I'll never be upset about it again. Because I will. This is why they always separate Forgive, from Forget.

 

But to me forgiveness means agreeing to WORK to get past it, and to not hold it over her head in our lives together.

 

I know a guy who doesn't trust his wife with the dog, or with money, or with anything really because " She can't be trusted."

 

That's ridiculous to me. I mean maybe she can't be trusted not to get hammered and screw around at a Sales Conference... but that doesn't mean she can't be trusted to pay the mortgage on time that month, ya know?

[katielee]

 

But to me forgiveness means agreeing to WORK to get past it, and to not hold it over her head in our lives together.

 

 

I like this definition...

[atreides]

I like this definition...

 

I think that really is the definition.

 

((TrustedthenBusted)) I read quite a few but not the whole of the thread, so forgive me if already asked.

 

Your kids are priority and thus nothing will outweigh the loss of one night... ok... i am not going to try and change your mind on that.

 

So I want to ask, has your wife tried to work with you as it seems you kept digging and the hold got deeper? I know you are not "enforcing" from what i have read elsewhere, is that based on a lack of caring perhaps or that you have a foregone conclusion? Or perhaps that because the kids mean everything, that all else takes a back seat or is moot to some extent?

 

How have you held up?

[nightmare01]

I read books. I hire therapist. She lies to therapist. I prove lies to therapist. Therapist says I am focused too much on search for truth, and not repairing my marriage. I fire therapist.

 

A "good' therapist is a bit of a oxymoron in my view. FWIW the therapist vocation has one of the highest rates of infidelity out there. I tried 3 MC and 2 IC. ALL of the MCs were so useless they couldn't find their butt if they used both hands. 1 MC and 1 IC were wayward spouses. the remaining IC just wanted to drug me up.

 

You know what's worse than feeling as you do at 5 years? Feeling like this at 13 years like me.

 

Like you I have mostly good days. WW and I get along fine. Our kids are out of the house now so leaving her is now back on the table.

 

Also like you my WW was defensive about her LTA (a workplace 8 year EA + 3 year EA&PA (same guy)). She said she had fond memories of OM for the first year. She held back a lot of what went on to "protect" me (yeah right). After the end of the second year she started saying all the right things. But here's the question - are these things she actually feels, or is she just saying what she needs to say to keep me from melting down.

 

Over time I've come to accept the LTA happened. I'm still pissed about it, but I accept it now. No amount of pissed-off-ness will change the fact that it happened. I keep a watch on her, but she seems safe now... but I'll never really trust her again.

 

I have really STRONG boundaries about what I am willing to accept or not accept from WW. If she crosses those boundaries then I'm gone.

 

I'm more willing to do my own thing now. I live my own life and I like that.

 

I like my WW. Love? no, but we are ok together, and that's good enough for me.

[HereNorThere]

Although I think forgiveness is healthy, I think the bigger issue is acceptance. It's hard to accept that a person who claims to love you could do something so vicious. It's hard to accept that you were wrong about their character and now you have a relationship with someone who would be unacceptable if you weren't already in love with them. It's hard to accept that you lack the self-control to stay away from people that have a high probability of hurting you.

 

It isn't even really about forgiving someone for cheating, it's about forgiving them for misrepresenting who they are. Forgiving yourself for falling for a person like that and then sticking around after they continue to hurt you.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I think that really is the definition.

 

((TrustedthenBusted)) I read quite a few but not the whole of the thread, so forgive me if already asked.

 

Your kids are priority and thus nothing will outweigh the loss of one night... ok... i am not going to try and change your mind on that.

 

So I want to ask, has your wife tried to work with you as it seems you kept digging and the hold got deeper? I know you are not "enforcing" from what i have read elsewhere, is that based on a lack of caring perhaps or that you have a foregone conclusion? Or perhaps that because the kids mean everything, that all else takes a back seat or is moot to some extent?

 

How have you held up?

 

 

"The Kids" are a priority, yes, but really it's "The Family" that is the priority for me. This isn't something she did to ME, or even to US. It's something she did that damaged our entire family, and as we work to repair our marriage, what we are really working toward is a happy home for all of us.

 

As for her working with me while the rabbit hole got deeper and deeper...well.. she did what so many others have done. She admitted to what I could prove, and denied anything else.

 

There was a solid year of me finding hard facts, and her backtracking, and sending us back to square one. THAT IS IT! I SWEAR! THERE IS NOTHIGN ELSE! I heard that so many times....

 

It took about 2 years of her being busted in lies, and us starting completely over, before she finally realized that the hard truth goes over much better with me, than a soft lie. I think at this point, I was over the sex part, and just angry about the deception part. But she had a hard time believing this.

 

Eventually, I reached a point where I felt like I had asked everything I needed to and gotten answers that were painful enough for me to believe they must be true. ( you know that feeling? ) So I stopped asking.

 

Were there other affairs besides what I know about? She says no. Do I believe that? Meh... does it really matter if I do? What happened happened ( or didn't happen ) regardless of what I believe, so I don't waste my time thinking about it. If it were reversed, and I had an affair 10 years ago with someone I haven't thought about since... I doubt I'd cop to it now. So why expect her to, if that's the case?

 

 

So to answer, it's not a foregone conclusion. And it's not a lack of caring. it's just moving on, and accepting that no matter how I tried to change history, I couldn't. So I deal with now.

 

She knows that if I even smell a hint of a whiff of the residue of a fart that I think smells like an affair, or anything that could be mistaken for one, I'm gone. No questions. No nothing. She's used up all her credits.

 

But I'm not going to waste an ounce of energy looking for it, or waiting for it. That's her job. She knows the price, and it's up to her to decide if this is worth it.

 

That doesn't mean I'm not loving, and wanting to move forward with her and have a nice life together, but I will NEVER go through this pain again.

 

In fact, if it DID happen again, I don't think it would even hurt. I think you can really only have your heart broken once.

[RightThere]

In fact, if it DID happen again, I don't think it would even hurt. I think you can really only have your heart broken once.

 

Don't count on that. You may not go into the depth of sadness and depression as the first time, but you will have anger like nothing else knowing you gave someone a second (or third) chance and they didn't change anything.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Don't count on that. You may not go into the depth of sadness and depression as the first time, but you will have anger like nothing else knowing you gave someone a second (or third) chance and they didn't change anything.

 

 

Perhaps. You never know until you know. But I can say this: 5 years ago, the thought of her being with another man used make me nauseous. Today, it doesn't. Not at all. I guess several years of suffering through mind-movies and getting over them will do that do you.

 

But I don't think I'd feel anger. Just quiet disappointment. I'd probably be angry that the family is being split up, and maybe even a little angry at myself for working as long and as hard as I have on reconciliation... but angry at her?

 

Nah. I think it would be way easy to cut bait at that point. She let me know where I stood with her already, and now she knows where she stands with me. My love and support and help and effort is conditional.

[Spectre]

I think you definitely need to make it clear to this woman you are going to leave once your kids are raised then. You are already suffering because of your wife, this is NOT reconciliation, this is you putting up with a terrible situation so you don't lose your kids. I would say it is not worth your own happiness, but you have chosen to stay so all I can say is: kids do not stay kids forever. Do not let this turn into something you just accept, even after they are raised.

 

Have some plan for the future, one that includes getting away from such an awful woman. Seriously, it took her over 2 years to act remorseful? Completely unacceptable, this is not a person who loves or respects you. I urge you to not make the mistake of staying with her for the rest of your life.

Edited September 28, 2014 by Spectre

[Spectre]

I know a guy who doesn't trust his wife with the dog, or with money, or with anything really because " She can't be trusted."

 

That's ridiculous to me. I mean maybe she can't be trusted not to get hammered and screw around at a Sales Conference... but that doesn't mean she can't be trusted to pay the mortgage on time that month, ya know?

 

Here is the thing, why is it so ridiculous? It's probably easier to not bang some other dude then it is to pay the mortgage. So for me..I fully understand the "I don't trust you with anything" line of thought. That is, ultimately, why betrayals like this are so bad: they make you question everything, they make you go over *everything*. It might be ridiculous to you for someone to be that untrusting, but I would find it equally ridiculous for someone to betray someone that trusted them so much in the first place.

 

I get what your point is, but you have to realize once the trust is broken..not everyone can just see it as "she can't be trusted to merely not bang other dudes" because it is more then that, there wasn't just sex, but lies and in the case of ongoing affairs? There was premeditated betrayal. It's not something easy to look past, is my point. I can't ever find it ridiculous that someone loses utter trust in someone else due to such a horrible betrayal.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Here is the thing, why is it so ridiculous? It's probably easier to not bang some other dude then it is to pay the mortgage. So for me..I fully understand the "I don't trust you with anything" line of thought. That is, ultimately, why betrayals like this are so bad: they make you question everything, they make you go over *everything*. It might be ridiculous to you for someone to be that untrusting, but I would find it equally ridiculous for someone to betray someone that trusted them so much in the first place.

 

I get what your point is, but you have to realize once the trust is broken..not everyone can just see it as "she can't be trusted to merely not bang other dudes" because it is more then that, there wasn't just sex, but lies and in the case of ongoing affairs? There was premeditated betrayal. It's not something easy to look past, is my point. I can't ever find it ridiculous that someone loses utter trust in someone else due to such a horrible betrayal.

 

Understandable. I guess I just look at things from a practical standpoint. People cheat for many reasons. Fill a void, react to a sense of entitlement, whatever. But I don't think a weakness or character flaw in one area automatically translates across all others. My wife has never been late paying a bill in 20 years. So I see no reason to spend a minute wondering if she's going to pay one late now. Just an example.

[merrmeade]

There was a solid year of me finding hard facts, and her backtracking, and sending us back to square one. THAT IS IT! I SWEAR! THERE IS NOTHIGN ELSE! I heard that so many times....

 

It took about 2 years of her being busted in lies, and us starting completely over, before she finally realized that the hard truth goes over much better with me, than a soft lie. I think at this point, I was over the sex part, and just angry about the deception part. But she had a hard time believing this.

 

Eventually, I reached a point where I felt like I had asked everything I needed to and gotten answers that were painful enough for me to believe they must be true. ( you know that feeling? ) So I stopped asking.

 

I think you can really only have your heart broken once.

 

Yes, I "know that feeling," but, no, the heart can continue to be broken - piece by piece by piece - until... Until what? Until we realize that they are just not going to change and were never worth it?

 

I'm beginning to see there are so many layers and stages of this infidelity beast that I have no more predictions. Thousands of d-day posts and beyond indicate that certain patterns unfortunately stand out, but we're not all alike and those of us who wait it out, who help the undeserving WW stop TTing and do right by us, well, that's an abnormal situation and we are freaks.

 

The thing is this: The infidelity beast just will have its way and, though put off for a time while this "truth" thing gets resolved, it must and does come back. It then will take you through its netherworld of pain as you start all over again looking at the basics: Your worth in the eyes and heart of your spouse. And it's harder now because good ol' A-hole BH (or BW) thinks that just because you've nice-niced to get to this point, the worst is over, and doesn't realize that some things you will be going through for the first time - finally.

 

For example, now that I feel I have the truth and we are working with an ace therapist, I suddenly find myself in these unexpected, finalistic, can't-turn-back moments of realization about the awfulness of BH and the impossibility of us - because of what he did. In the beginning - which lasted an inordinately long time - all I could deal with was getting disclosure. Now that I feel I have it, the other unresolved emotions and thoughts are allowed to have expression.

 

Here's an example of the thoughts that randomly explode into my post-TT consciousnes. Call it a survey --

WTF, man! Are you worried about losing me at all - were you ever?

How important is this to you anyway?

How much do I matter NOW?

How hard will you f--king work for my respect now that you've proven and agreed to having been a complete a--hole that didn't give a second thought to how your actions affected me?

How impassioned are you for my love, not just my trust, but my love and passion - now?

How desirable am I to you now?

Why wasn't I as desirable then as they were?

Do you really not get it that I was only holding on for the truth and that is NOT the same as commitment on my part?

 

[Anyway, I'm in a worse place than ever tonight. We're on a 2-week hiatus from MC while visiting his ill sister. The therapist said NOT to "work" on us, which is frankly idiotic if he thinks the infidelity stew, simmering in my gut for the past 2-1/2 years, will just put itself on the fridge shelf because he said so.]

Edited October 10, 2014 by merrmeade

[SycamoreCircle]

Staying in a M for the kids is the dumbest thing you can ever do. If you leave, life goes on. Right now you are robbing yourself of another chance at happiness. We only get one shot at this life!

 

Kids need to see two happy parents. You don't have to be with each other to show that. You aren't doing either of them any favors by staying in an unhappy M.

 

Leave.

 

I disagree. I believe that divorce has a severe lifelong effect on children. And it doesn't matter what age they are.

[revelations]

1. Listening to people who haven't been through it say " Oh if my wife cheated, I'd toss her ass to the curb that day." Yeah... ok.

 

2. Thinking about how the OM got married just a few years later and gets to go on with his happy ass life and new marriage, while mine is still a wreck.

 

3. Watching just about ANY movie these days. So many of them glorify cheating and romanticize the OP

 

4. Watching her sleep when I can't.

 

5. Sitting next to her at weddings watching two other people exchange vows that you know didn't mean squat to her, and probably won't to these two either.

 

6. Being this new, jaded, critical person, instead of the optimistic and nonjudgemental person I used to be.

 

7. Staying faithful, and wondering what I'm getting out of that.

 

8. Wondering if I am just delaying the inevitable, wasting my time, just to protect kids who might even be better off if we split up.

 

9. My wedding anniversary, and the stupid little cards we have to axchange that say things neither of us really mean.

 

10. Finding myself on a site like this, rehashing the same ol crap 5 years down the road. Hell, I could have become a doctor in less time...

 

 

Please allow me to add number 11 to that list of yours.

 

11. Breathing, she breaths in and out, in and out all the time. Day and night.

 

Okay I can understand you being upset, after all I know I was too when I was in a similar situation. Staying with your WW I can understand, after all your kids are very important to you. However you are letting your WW effect your happiness and get free rent in your head and I don't mean the good kind. Ask yourself this, would you have bothered to stay with her if you two had no kids? Would you have worked this hard to stay with your WW if you had no kids?

 

I am willing to bet that the answer to both of these questions is "NO". So staying with your WW is mainly so you don't loose access to your kids, which is okay. However don't loose sight of the fact that your kids will grow up and eventually move out. You don't have to leave your WW today, in fact you can plan for it. Planning on leaving her can be fun, even give yourself some satisfaction and new hope. I would suggest using that time you have while your kids are growing up to make the great escape plan. First off you need to research divorce laws in your state. Some states can be brutal about divorce, leaving you to cancel retirement because you have to work to pay alimony for the rest of your life. Now the last I heard the state of Nevada has no alimony laws. This means that if your living their, you can divorce no matter how long the marriage is and not have to pay alimony.

 

Okay you may not want to move to Nevada now or you may not be able to, however just double check a few years before you make your great escape. You may find out that other states have divorce laws you can live with, point is check your options on divorce laws in different states. Most states you only have to live there a year or two for their divorce laws go into effect for you, so rent, don't buy a house. Now with a rough idea on where to move to (if needed) we can start the rest of the plan. When your youngest kid reaches the age of about 16 or 17 years old we contact a lawyer and discuss divorce options. Depending on what the lawyer says, you may want to even get the paperwork drafted up. A month or two before the kid leaves for collage, military, whatever you go hunting for your own place. You will probably have to stay nearby for a year or so, however after that you can move wherever you like. Setup a new bank account and move a little of your money into it, mind you just a little.

 

Now once that last kid leaves the nest you can escape. Secure your new place to live. Cancel all joint credit cards, remove your name and your money from any joint accounts into your own account. Mind you even if all the money in the account is yours I would suggest only taking 50%. Now finally have her served, if possible have her served while you are walking out the door. Let this sink in a bit, you will have served her probably when she least expected it. You will be single and have free time. You will be able to enjoy more rock climbing, fishing, hunting, whatever you enjoy doing. If you did your homework you may not be paying alimony or very little, so you can use your money on yourself and your kids. When your xWW ask you what made you decide to divorce now. You can simply say "Well remember when you cheated on me 15 years ago? I stayed only because I love my kids and wanted to make sure I could see them. I stayed despite having to put up with you".

 

Now remember this is just an option I am suggesting. If anything it can be fun to just think about right now. Later on you may feel this is a great option. Truthfully you can get everything setup and back out on it at the last minute if you change your mind. My point is, enjoy your kids now. Don't let your cheating wife take that away from you. A few times a year ask yourself "If the kids are gone tomorrow would I want to remain married to her"? If the answer remains "No" or later on becomes "No" then you know you might want to plan your big escape.

 

I don't often tell men to stay with a cheating wife. However with kids it gets a bit more tricky. Any man that is able to read and has internet access knows that getting a divorce means you will get very little time with your kids. Sometimes a divorce means you will loose all access to your kids. So staying with a cheating wife because kids are involved is usually the best bet if you want to see your kids. The thing is that kids do grow up and eventually move out. So hanging in there as long as possible is usually the best bet. In the mean time, it will suck to be stuck near her. This is were planning for that escape can offer a ray of hope. Remember that even if it is just 8 or 10 years from now, your WW will not expect a divorce. She sleeps well at night knowing that she got to get some side action and get away with it. Meanwhile your the chump who gets nothing extra or even basic stuff like respect and she is comfortable with using you as a work horse. So while she is enjoying life, once you walk out, everything will come crashing down on her. Then you will be the one sleeping all cozy and she will be pacing the floor in the dark of the night.

 

However this is just a suggestion for you. You may say an option that your free to use anytime you see fit or you think the time is right. Until then I would just write her off as someone that is a useful tool or a necessary evil for now. Thinking about her banging the other guy will only serve to hurt yourself. So do your best to focus your thoughts on other things and not your cheating wife. After all she is not worth the free rent your giving to her in your head. Don't look at the past, instead plan a better future for you and your kids. After all you don't have to take your cheating wife with.

[dichotomy]

What revelations is mentioning, is a very "empowering" concept, one of many that a BS may adopt, that can help you cope with staying. Basically if you decide to stay you must feel you are in control of some things and how your life may play out.

 

and many years later, there maybe reasons to stay anyway...or not...but its up to you know, the choice... now or later is up to you. The cheating has in a way freed you in the marriage from certain obligations, allowed you to have certain self directed priorities ...if you wish and with no guilt.

[RightThere]

[Anyway, I'm in a worse place than ever tonight. We're on a 2-week hiatus from MC while visiting his ill sister. The therapist said NOT to "work" on us, which is frankly idiotic if he thinks the infidelity stew, simmering in my gut for the past 2-1/2 years, will just put itself on the fridge shelf because he said so.]

 

I could not agree more.

 

Being with a WW, I know counselling and talking about things is primarily to repair and rebuild. But it involves the WS being required account for their actions. It's nice that they can call a time out because they don't like getting emotionally beat up. But as a betrayed spouse, there is no time out from the emotional turmoil.

[TrustedthenBusted]

In another thread you mentioned that your wife started an affair 90 days after your wedding day ?

 

Yes. I found out about one 5 years ago that was active, and the comment " I found more" is me finding out about the first one, right after my wedding.

 

There have been two, but I learned about both pretty much at the same time.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Please allow me to add number 11 to that list of yours.

 

11. Breathing, she breaths in and out, in and out all the time. Day and night.

 

Okay I can understand you being upset, after all I know I was too when I was in a similar situation. Staying with your WW I can understand, after all your kids are very important to you. However you are letting your WW effect your happiness and get free rent in your head and I don't mean the good kind. Ask yourself this, would you have bothered to stay with her if you two had no kids? Would you have worked this hard to stay with your WW if you had no kids?

 

I am willing to bet that the answer to both of these questions is "NO". So staying with your WW is mainly so you don't loose access to your kids, which is okay. However don't loose sight of the fact that your kids will grow up and eventually move out. You don't have to leave your WW today, in fact you can plan for it. Planning on leaving her can be fun, even give yourself some satisfaction and new hope. I would suggest using that time you have while your kids are growing up to make the great escape plan. First off you need to research divorce laws in your state. Some states can be brutal about divorce, leaving you to cancel retirement because you have to work to pay alimony for the rest of your life. Now the last I heard the state of Nevada has no alimony laws. This means that if your living their, you can divorce no matter how long the marriage is and not have to pay alimony.

 

Okay you may not want to move to Nevada now or you may not be able to, however just double check a few years before you make your great escape. You may find out that other states have divorce laws you can live with, point is check your options on divorce laws in different states. Most states you only have to live there a year or two for their divorce laws go into effect for you, so rent, don't buy a house. Now with a rough idea on where to move to (if needed) we can start the rest of the plan. When your youngest kid reaches the age of about 16 or 17 years old we contact a lawyer and discuss divorce options. Depending on what the lawyer says, you may want to even get the paperwork drafted up. A month or two before the kid leaves for collage, military, whatever you go hunting for your own place. You will probably have to stay nearby for a year or so, however after that you can move wherever you like. Setup a new bank account and move a little of your money into it, mind you just a little.

 

Now once that last kid leaves the nest you can escape. Secure your new place to live. Cancel all joint credit cards, remove your name and your money from any joint accounts into your own account. Mind you even if all the money in the account is yours I would suggest only taking 50%. Now finally have her served, if possible have her served while you are walking out the door. Let this sink in a bit, you will have served her probably when she least expected it. You will be single and have free time. You will be able to enjoy more rock climbing, fishing, hunting, whatever you enjoy doing. If you did your homework you may not be paying alimony or very little, so you can use your money on yourself and your kids. When your xWW ask you what made you decide to divorce now. You can simply say "Well remember when you cheated on me 15 years ago? I stayed only because I love my kids and wanted to make sure I could see them. I stayed despite having to put up with you".

 

Now remember this is just an option I am suggesting. If anything it can be fun to just think about right now. Later on you may feel this is a great option. Truthfully you can get everything setup and back out on it at the last minute if you change your mind. My point is, enjoy your kids now. Don't let your cheating wife take that away from you. A few times a year ask yourself "If the kids are gone tomorrow would I want to remain married to her"? If the answer remains "No" or later on becomes "No" then you know you might want to plan your big escape.

 

I don't often tell men to stay with a cheating wife. However with kids it gets a bit more tricky. Any man that is able to read and has internet access knows that getting a divorce means you will get very little time with your kids. Sometimes a divorce means you will loose all access to your kids. So staying with a cheating wife because kids are involved is usually the best bet if you want to see your kids. The thing is that kids do grow up and eventually move out. So hanging in there as long as possible is usually the best bet. In the mean time, it will suck to be stuck near her. This is were planning for that escape can offer a ray of hope. Remember that even if it is just 8 or 10 years from now, your WW will not expect a divorce. She sleeps well at night knowing that she got to get some side action and get away with it. Meanwhile your the chump who gets nothing extra or even basic stuff like respect and she is comfortable with using you as a work horse. So while she is enjoying life, once you walk out, everything will come crashing down on her. Then you will be the one sleeping all cozy and she will be pacing the floor in the dark of the night.

 

However this is just a suggestion for you. You may say an option that your free to use anytime you see fit or you think the time is right. Until then I would just write her off as someone that is a useful tool or a necessary evil for now. Thinking about her banging the other guy will only serve to hurt yourself. So do your best to focus your thoughts on other things and not your cheating wife. After all she is not worth the free rent your giving to her in your head. Don't look at the past, instead plan a better future for you and your kids. After all you don't have to take your cheating wife with.

 

 

Thanks for all of this. Helpful to hear other people's thoughts. But honestly, my preference would be to get back to a happy place ( which most of the time we are ) and keep my family together for the long haul. My wife has her issues, and failings, as do I. I am in NO WAY staying with her because I am afraid of being alone, or broke, or anything like that. I truly couldn't care less about money, even though we have a fair amount of it between us.

 

I got into this to be part of a family, and I want to see that family through to the end. I want to be parents and grandparents and tight and close for the whole ride. That's what I signed up for, and that's what I want.

 

Now...she effed it up bigtime, and over the years has slowly taken accountability for it. We're 5 years in, and to be fair, she has gutted out some extended periods where I was not very nice to her. And she doesn't NEED to stay with me. She does just fine on her own, and doesn't need any financial support from me. We are equally successful in that department.

 

I honestly can't imagine living that way and counting the days until my youngest is off to college. I really don't want to live like that. If that was my plan, I'd leave now. I'm trying to get over it. I'm trying to make sure we are TRULY committed to eachother now. And I want to know that she will forego others, the same way I do, for the RIGHT reason, and not just because we'd have to sell the house.

 

I've been VERY tempted during our marriage as well, and at one point received one of those offers that was pretty hard to refuse. But I refused it.... and then for months I thought about it... a lot. So I know how that crap goes.