longjourney Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 I have not been on here. I have been trying to get myself healthy again, physically and emotionally. My illness will unfortunately never get better, however I can try to fix my emotional state. I am living with my WH, or should I say my WH chooses to still live with me. I have decided to remain married, yet at the same time, we are not. We are friends now....nothing more. We cohabitate for our "family's" sake. He is helping me as I heal from my medical scare. For that I am grateful. He is not a bad person. He is not in love with me, but that makes him honest (finally), not bad. He is not rubbing the OW in my face, looking back with some distance, I don't think he ever really did. It hurts to know he loves her. It hurts to know that he EVER loved her and that he wasn't strong enough in himself to not marry me and go after her. He knows that now, he does not blame me at all. So that leaves me to let go of A LOT of things. For one, my M, to realize that we never had a M because he started this mess, or should I say RE-started this LTA only MONTHS after our vows. Yes I see we had good times, but now looking back to those years I often felt him "not present" and drifting away. I ALWAYS knew it and I ALWAYS wondered why. So again, not fair to me, but yet, still a fact. I STILL see him drifting at times, MANY times, yet now it is not for me to ask, seeing how we are not "together" ,yet I know his mind goes to HER. I am not hurting, I am writing here, letting it go. It is therapy to get it out. He has told me SO much. SO many questions have been answered. So many revelations, the most important one is that I WILL NOT guilt him into staying, I will not be the victim due to my illness or his LTA. My self esteem is barely in tact, and what is left of it, is very bad. I know it is not a completion, but I know that I will never be close to the OW in his heart, and because he is being "bad", it's just where his heart is. That love that he had with her FOR YEARS, well as the saying goes, I just can't hold a candle to it. Vent over. 1
RightThere Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 There is nothing to compare to not only feeling the depths of infidelity, but also knowing that the person you loved has deceived you and never held you in the same spot in your heart that you held them. You are brave beyond words to be able to say that and know in your heart that it is true. And you will move on from it. I have to believe that if you're able to hold someone in your heart that way, someone out there can do the same for you. 2
Author longjourney Posted September 16, 2014 Author Posted September 16, 2014 Thank you so much for your words. I have to say that the years of lies are almost IMPOSSIBLE to get over. To be able to look your spouse in the eye day in and day out during an LTA and know you are f$#(@ing someone else still baffles me. Even after DDay I thought we were on track and he was trying, or so I thought. He started "shaping up" I thought he was "doing the work", he changed a lot of habits, closed off his FB account and other social media, then I come to learn they BOTH did it so they wouldn't get caught AGAIN!!! Looking back now I was dumb to believe they EVER stopped communicating after YEARS together, talking/texting a zillion times a day. He closed his FB account for her, NOT FOR ME. Its never a question of IF the A wil start again, but WHEN!!! All I can say is THE BLINDERS ARE FINALLY OFF!!! 1
BetrayedH Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 I have not been on here. I have been trying to get myself healthy again, physically and emotionally. My illness will unfortunately never get better, however I can try to fix my emotional state. I am living with my WH, or should I say my WH chooses to still live with me. I have decided to remain married, yet at the same time, we are not. We are friends now....nothing more. We cohabitate for our "family's" sake. He is helping me as I heal from my medical scare. For that I am grateful. He is not a bad person. He is not in love with me, but that makes him honest (finally), not bad. He is not rubbing the OW in my face, looking back with some distance, I don't think he ever really did. It hurts to know he loves her. It hurts to know that he EVER loved her and that he wasn't strong enough in himself to not marry me and go after her. He knows that now, he does not blame me at all. So that leaves me to let go of A LOT of things. For one, my M, to realize that we never had a M because he started this mess, or should I say RE-started this LTA only MONTHS after our vows. Yes I see we had good times, but now looking back to those years I often felt him "not present" and drifting away. I ALWAYS knew it and I ALWAYS wondered why. So again, not fair to me, but yet, still a fact. I STILL see him drifting at times, MANY times, yet now it is not for me to ask, seeing how we are not "together" ,yet I know his mind goes to HER. I am not hurting, I am writing here, letting it go. It is therapy to get it out. He has told me SO much. SO many questions have been answered. So many revelations, the most important one is that I WILL NOT guilt him into staying, I will not be the victim due to my illness or his LTA. My self esteem is barely in tact, and what is left of it, is very bad. I know it is not a completion, but I know that I will never be close to the OW in his heart, and because he is being "bad", it's just where his heart is. That love that he had with her FOR YEARS, well as the saying goes, I just can't hold a candle to it. Vent over. He is but one person in the world and there are many, MANY others that would be damn grateful to have YOU in their life (and they'd be right). 1
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