I met my friend of 10 years in person. Why am I feeling this way?

[whichwayisup]

Yeah. Well, he seemed quite sad because I won't be able to see him for a while (don't want to say why on here!). I agree something like that would be better...because as long as we're meeting for a few hours at a time, we're not going to be able to foster the in-person connection we possibly need to feel comfortable.

 

For your own sake don't push getting together on him. Even more so since he has a girlfriend and you are interested in him than 'more than a friend..' If he is forced to choose one day between you and his gf, he is going to pick his gf because he's more involved in her daily life physically than he is with you. I don't mean that meanly, sorry if it reads that way.

[preraph]

Online he is only showing you what he wants to show you, but he's not able to only show you that in person. Still, if you feel he's exhibited strong empathy in his writing online, it's worth giving him a few dates to see how he is once he's settled in a bit.

[Lovezen_30]

Online he is only showing you what he wants to show you, but he's not able to only show you that in person. Still, if you feel he's exhibited strong empathy in his writing online, it's worth giving him a few dates to see how he is once he's settled in a bit.

 

Yes, over the last few days he's been back to being very affectionate and empathetic. I wonder if he was just nervous or if he has always felt more able to talk feelings at a distance?

 

I think the reason why I have struggled with this friendship at times, more than I have with others is this: it is a friendship that is so suffused with love and respect that doesn't feel like any other friendship that I have had with others. There were awkward moments during that meeting for sure, but we also talked about deep topics that I really don't discuss with anyone else. Our families, our feelings and thoughts on a range of things, hopes, fears etc.

 

So I think I'm very lucky to have his friendship. But, sometimes, the friendship is so intense and almost profound that I feel the line between friendship and more becomes blurred and I feel like I need to reign myself back in and reassess things.

[Lovezen_30]

Everybody has their moods, their pissy times, their snarky or bitchy times. You seem to think he is perfection. Nice all the time and his shi.t doesn't stink. Building him up to be that is a huge let down for you. Nobody is "happy go lucky" 24/7.

 

Also, online or text or emails, you can go back and forth for hours, many times a day.

 

Face to face friendships - Nobody calls and speaks that many times a day or spends 2 hours together every other hour etc..

 

Fact is, there IS a difference between online friendships and offline friendships.

 

Yeah I think you are right. I did think that. I told myself he would have flaws but I wasn't really prepared for them! Over the last few days he has been really sweet, so that is obviously part of him too. By the way, I don't necessarily want to be in a relationship with him! I'm well aware that while we don't have more time together physically it can't happen anyway. And it's not like I'm making any big effort to change that either right now.

 

Interesting point: yesterday I met a guy in person who I had been speaking to online for months (strictly platonic this one) and he was exactly the same in person.

[denise_xo]

I don't know. If it happened now, I wouldn't feel great. But I'm planning to put some distance between us so that I can try and recover from whatever extra feelings have been coming into play. I hope that in time I could meet her if it's important to him.

 

Sounds like this isn't actually a platonic relationship, then. I'd cut the relation since the man has a girlfriend. Life is complex enough, don't complicate it further.

[littleplanet]

Good lord, after 10 years.....learning how to handle the three dimensional person. Reading real life responses.

It's bound to be a change.

 

And of course it is.

The previous 10 years can make things easier, in some ways (some things known quite well...)

but they can also make things harder (10 years' worth of communication that lacks that three-dimensional experience.)

Which can result in the buildup of something.....that reality now has to catch up with. I'm not surprised that it's intense.

 

.......like a favorite and known character just got up and stepped out of the pages of a novel.

Like being blind and suddenly seeing yourself in the bathroom mirror.

 

A bit of sensory/emotional overload?

 

Techonology can shrink distances....when it comes to certain kinds of communication.

But two worlds don't necessarily shrink into one, compared to the reality of your own community (or his.) And all that goes with it.

 

A decade is a long, long time - to build up ideas that have never been challenged by real-life exposure. So in some ways, it can be brand new all over again. Only not exactly....

Presents its own unique complications.

Which no doubt, will take time to readjust to.

[Lovezen_30]

Good lord, after 10 years.....learning how to handle the three dimensional person. Reading real life responses.

It's bound to be a change.

 

And of course it is.

The previous 10 years can make things easier, in some ways (some things known quite well...)

but they can also make things harder (10 years' worth of communication that lacks that three-dimensional experience.)

Which can result in the buildup of something.....that reality now has to catch up with. I'm not surprised that it's intense.

 

.......like a favorite and known character just got up and stepped out of the pages of a novel.

Like being blind and suddenly seeing yourself in the bathroom mirror.

 

A bit of sensory/emotional overload?

 

Techonology can shrink distances....when it comes to certain kinds of communication.

But two worlds don't necessarily shrink into one, compared to the reality of your own community (or his.) And all that goes with it.

 

A decade is a long, long time - to build up ideas that have never been challenged by real-life exposure. So in some ways, it can be brand new all over again. Only not exactly....

Presents its own unique complications.

Which no doubt, will take time to readjust to.

 

Hey littleplanet, thanks for the reply. I think you're right in saying that a lot went unchallenged for ten years. For, example, I realised that I viewed him as this mega sweet character that was never cheeky or even mean. He is definitely kind hearted but also said things I didn't expect. However there were also times when he listened sincerely and was exactly the person I always imagined him to be.

 

I also think that he got a little flustered in person as he was back to being the person I knew online very quickly and we've talked every day. So now I know a little bit more about the 3dimensional person too. It is a little like knowing someone completely different - but I know I love the person I have got to know online and so I think it will just take time to merge the two worlds. He wants to meet again, so that's promising, I just hope we can do it!

[littleplanet]

Hey littleplanet, thanks for the reply. I think you're right in saying that a lot went unchallenged for ten years. For, example, I realised that I viewed him as this mega sweet character that was never cheeky or even mean. He is definitely kind hearted but also said things I didn't expect. However there were also times when he listened sincerely and was exactly the person I always imagined him to be.

 

I also think that he got a little flustered in person as he was back to being the person I knew online very quickly and we've talked every day. So now I know a little bit more about the 3dimensional person too. It is a little like knowing someone completely different - but I know I love the person I have got to know online and so I think it will just take time to merge the two worlds. He wants to meet again, so that's promising, I just hope we can do it!

 

 

 

Hey Lovezen,

There ya go.

 

Of course - he's going through all that same stuff too......hauling the non-dimensional into full dimensions.

It can be sort of like starting all over again......only with a difference. There is still a lot of ground that has been covered....and something pretty powerful, I'd say - to keep it alive for a decade. That counts for something all by itself.

 

Imagine knowing somebody for all that time - who you never saw in any other way than putting their best foot forward, always presenting themselves as kind of.....perfect.

Yet of course, we all have flaws. Lots of them.

So now you get to examine the man in full focus....natural habitat....real settings. It's different.

(Hopefully, difference means better.)

 

Merging the two worlds will take time.

Girlfriends and physical distances aside (and they do present their own complications!).......you've stated that it isn't necessarily a relationship you're interested in. That's fine.

And yet - this man has played some kind of role in your life - obviously outside of a strictly conventional connection.

So if you both have the opportunity to define what that is....mutually, who knows just what's possible - and positive?

 

At any rate - 10 years of your life is a lot to invest in a friendship of this nature. Something had to hold it together all that time.

Good luck with it!

[Lovezen_30]

Hey Lovezen,

There ya go.

 

Of course - he's going through all that same stuff too......hauling the non-dimensional into full dimensions.

It can be sort of like starting all over again......only with a difference. There is still a lot of ground that has been covered....and something pretty powerful, I'd say - to keep it alive for a decade. That counts for something all by itself.

 

Imagine knowing somebody for all that time - who you never saw in any other way than putting their best foot forward, always presenting themselves as kind of.....perfect.

Yet of course, we all have flaws. Lots of them.

So now you get to examine the man in full focus....natural habitat....real settings. It's different.

(Hopefully, difference means better.)

 

Merging the two worlds will take time.

Girlfriends and physical distances aside (and they do present their own complications!).......you've stated that it isn't necessarily a relationship you're interested in. That's fine.

And yet - this man has played some kind of role in your life - obviously outside of a strictly conventional connection.

So if you both have the opportunity to define what that is....mutually, who knows just what's possible - and positive?

 

At any rate - 10 years of your life is a lot to invest in a friendship of this nature. Something had to hold it together all that time.

Good luck with it!

 

Although I forgot to respond to this almost a year ago, this post gave me a lot of strength littleplanet.

 

It has almost been a year since I posted this and it is now approaching the time when I will be physically be closer and in the position to see him again. Since I moved, he has been in relatively consistent contact and has asked to see me shortly after I return. Throughout the year he has talked about things we will do together when I get home. But I am unsure...

 

I have had a wonderful year, dated some great men but I haven't been able to get him out of my mind. For some reason, my feelings have transformed from platonic to something else, even though I know we would need to spend more time together to see if we could explore that. But he is still taken (as far as I am aware). A couple of red flags for me was the fact that he mentioned how "beautiful" I was in an email & even made a sexual innuendo about the two of us which shocked me because he has never done this before. Shall I meet up with him and trust that he has good intentions until proven otherwise?