Sirmistermister Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 I've been with my girlfriend for 4 and a half years and she is fantastic. I got involved with her almost immediately after a serious relationship (but a bad one). I didn't have any time to date around or just be single. She is my first real, serious, and good girlfriend and I am her very first boyfriend. We are both 21. I love her and have a great time when I'm with her. The problem comes in when I'm not around her. I still love her, but I'll see or meet other girls and get GIGS. I stay loyal though. But after feeling this for a long while now, I decided to end things because I felt I wouldn't be ready to marry until I got the single life out of my system. I tried to end things but she broke down. I tried to stay strong, but eventually I broke too because I couldn't stand to let her go. Needless to say, we're still together Basically, I feel I have a lot of maturing and changing to do before I settle down. I know I would love to settle down with her, but I don't feel ready to. I worry that if I stay with her and end up marrying her, the built up urge to be single will get to me. The way I see it is I have a choice between two regrets. 1. Stay with her and later on regret not living out my 20's and growing/developing independently. Even maybe feel that someone else out there would be a better match (since I really haven't seen/experienced what else is out there. 2. I leave her, grow up and mature. Then, once I'm ready to settle, I regret letting her go. I really do love her now. She is exactly what I would want in a wife. She is pretty, loves me unconditionally, smart, sweet, she's got it all. I have to choose one or the other, but I don't know which one is best. What would you recommend? Any personal experience with this or any other advice on this is appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 They say we regret most the things we don't do. However, partying & carousing aren't all that they are cracked up to be. If she is exactly what you want in a life partner, I'd find a way to sow some wild oats together but not break up. You most likely won't find somebody better.
Author Sirmistermister Posted September 16, 2014 Author Posted September 16, 2014 I know that partying and all isn't that great. I've had my phase and I personally don't care much for it all. I don't even drink. It's the fact that I feel tied down at such a young age and that instead of me developing to be myself, I'm developing into a product of her. She's not controlling by any means though. Also, what if my idea of what I want in my wife changes years down the road and I end up just ending things regretting that I didn't earlier? I know that on paper she's perfect. What if she isn't perfect for me though? I know the grass isn't always greener, but what if there is someone out there who I share the same interests with or that just understands me (my girlfriend doesn't see things the way I do, although it's not an issue). That I can enjoy the things that I enjoy WITH not APART from her. (We don't really share many of the same interests, but she'll take part in the things I like because she knows I like them) Also, it never really felt like there was a spark (serious infatuation) with her. It was just an immediate normal feeling when I was with her. It's never felt exciting, but it has always felt great in that we just get along real well and she puts up with me. My friends tell me that we're like a married couple or that she's like a mom. They say I don't act like myself when I'm around her or when she calls while I'm with them. I don't notice it though and I definitely don't hold any part of me back when I'm with her.
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 You're making a case for breaking up with her because somewhere, in your mind, that is what you want to do. If that is true, do it sooner rather than later. 2
Woggle Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 It is obvious you want to end it so do it now and let her move on. Living a wild life is not what it is cracked up to be but I know most people need to learn that on their own.
Raena Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 You have some very valid concerns... for most people, dating and getting serious that young does have it's pitfalls. It's normal to grow and change a great deal while you are in your 20's and you may very likely find that you are both very different people by the time you reach 30. You are already questioning whether or not you want to stay with her forever because the forbidden fruit is just out of reach and that will only get worse as time goes on. Let her go so she can find someone who isn't at ALL interested in other women. You may find down the road that you were meant to be together or you may realize that you weren't. It's a tough decision to make but if you are unhappy... walk away now before you end up married with kids and decide to cheat or end up divorced.
Standard-Fare Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 I would assess whether the two of you will have the chance to develop and evolve TOGETHER. Do you see things remaining totally stagnant, or do you think she's a real partner who could join you for ride through this exploratory phase of life? I know a friend who got married at age 22, which I consider very young, But I think one of the reasons she and her husband have "made it" (they're now mid-30s) is that they've treated life as an adventure they could share. They did Peace Corps together, they lived in a couple different countries, then a couple different U.S. cities, before they bought a house in their early 30s and settled down more. Now they have two kids. I remember hearing her say that they had both changed a lot in their values and perceptions since the time they first met, but fortunately they changed in ways that could complement each other. I guess what I'm suggesting is, determine whether your girl wants to "settle down" soon with the mortgage, the marriage, the dog and the kids. If she does, yes, you're bound to get restless. But if she's more open-minded about what your 20s can hold, and you think she can get on board with some of your goals, it might be worth trying to preserve your relationship.
Jules Dash Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 You are probably imagining sex falling out of the sky, threesome every Tuesday, and other partners just waiting to fulfill your every desire once you break away from your girlfriend. You will find out that our imagination can be way out of order when it comes to dating.
Dork Vader Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 let's see.. I've basically been single since I was 16. I've had a few 3-5 month relationships (2 or 3). Aside from that I have been single the last 14 years of my life. What has being single provided me with? An STD I'll have the rest of my life. A lot of disappointment. A bad reputation. A ton of regret. Memories I don't really remember. What memories I do have are mostly about the ones I let go that I shouldn't have. All because I wanted to have fun. You want to be "single" and grow as a person on your own. Then do it. But if you're thinking it's going to be this grand party and fun. It's not what you think. What type of growth do you want or need that requires being single? If it truly is just growth as a person you're looking for talk to your girl friend about it. I can assure you with 100% confidence finding someone "perfect" is very difficult. You truly don't know what you have until it's gone. Don't think you'll be able to get her back either. You wont.
mightycpa Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 (edited) You can always find another wife, but you'll never have another life. The worse regret will be to stay with her and not scratch your itch. Freedom is an important thing, and as you grow, there is a decent chance you will grow apart, and you may marry but then divorce, or you may stay together unmarried only to split after several years. This is a huge world. What are the chances that there is only one person on the entire planet that is a good mate for you, and she happens to be about your age and you just happened to meet her right about the time when you became capable of falling in love? The chances of this are infinitesimally small... and that's not what happened. What happened was you found your first love, at right about the age the people find their first love. She's a nice person and you're reasonably compatible now. So of course you feel that way about her. There is a reason it is called a first love... because there is a second one, and a third, and so on. You have a great capacity for love. You will likely love at least a handful of times in your life, some lesser and some greater. You will find at least one more person that will make you feel the same way you feel now. And you'll have a hell of a lot of fun if you date a lot of people while you find them. If you're going to do this, go at it with gusto. Don't squander your choice with fear and timidity. But here's the dark secret: the same is true for her. You're not Mr. Perfect. You're Mr. Perfect now. Chances are you won't always be, because her heart also has a great capacity for love. So I think the more likely regret is not experiencing all that life has to offer. That said, you will probably love that girl all your life, and it will not be easy to let her go, and it will not be easy to see her fall in love with somebody else. This love you feel for her will probably fade, but I'm willing to bet you'll always feel some version of it. It will not prevent you from loving anybody else, but there will be a bittersweet memory, and you may wonder "what if". But it won't gnaw on you like a life unknown will. I speak from the experience of my own life, and of those I know, who have filled both sets of shoes. And look through the stories on this board. It is littered with tales of first loves and soulmates rendered apart by time. It is the most common story in the world, and it has been told a million times, and will be told a million times again. You two aren't special. You're typical. It is probably just a matter of time before something goes wrong. Good luck with that one, your decision will not be easy to execute either way. Edited September 16, 2014 by mightycpa
mightycpa Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 You are probably imagining sex falling out of the sky, threesome every Tuesday, and other partners just waiting to fulfill your every desire once you break away from your girlfriend. You will find out that our imagination can be way out of order when it comes to dating. I thought it was "Threesome Thursday". No wonder you aren't finding it, you're looking on the wrong day!
Jules Dash Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 I thought it was "Threesome Thursday". No wonder you aren't finding it, you're looking on the wrong day! Oh I've found it more than once. Actually, it found me. It's just not every Tuesday or every other Tuesday -- or every 4th or 5th Tuesday
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