CiciMirinda Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 I am a late 40's widow. Been a widow for several years now. I am dating a man who was previously my friend. One of my best friends and he was also my late husband's friend. We have been together for 18 months. We share the same background and the same core beliefs in life. We make each other laugh and have a comfortable relationship. I go to family events. Friends and family like me. He is divorced and has been for 10 years. He has had several previous relationships. He broke it off with them, as they were not right for his life. I am attractive, intelligent, independent without being too much I DONT need a man type. I have my own money, my own job. I am an excellent cook, a good house keeper, very witty and usually pretty easy going. Here is where it gets tricky... he lives with his mother. She is a widow in her late 70's. It is his farm and she has a life time estate. She is a very active and lovely woman. She can out work me and there is nothing frail about her. She is very good to me and I like her a lot. However, she would not be able to stay alone at this place and do all the things required for upkeep. She needs his help with those things. He spends 3 evenings/nights a week at my place. I could on with details but won't. We have a good relationship and there is nothing I can say I cannot stand. He talks about growing old with me and when his mom leaves the farm, us being there, together. I get impatient sometimes. I am far more outspoken and abrupt than him. He tells me he is pretty sure he knows what he wants and that he thinks one day he will want marriage. He used to say he was never getting married again. I am very well aware, having lost my husband to a fatal disease that life is short. I may be too aware of that fact. And concentrate on it too much. He will not kick his mom out, and I do not want him to. That is her home. He will not move off the farm. Am I being stupid? He knows, and has since the very start that I will be married again one day. I like being married. I like the team work and all that marriage brings. I am not going to harp on this subject every month with him. I have said what I had to say. Is this pointless?
mightycpa Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Would you move onto the farm if married to him?
ja123 Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 He sounds like a keeper to me. If he is respectful to his mom, then he will probably be respectful to you, too. i.e. not abandoning you at the first difficulty or illness. How far is the farm from your place? If he stay there 3 nights a week, does that mean he's with you the other 4 nights? Is that not good enough? 2
Author CiciMirinda Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 Yes if we were married, we would certainly live on the farm. He will not leave it. Yes it is enough, for now. My concern is that I do want more and I am not certain I want to wait 10 years for it. His place is about 5 miles from my home. He stays at my house 3 nights a week and is up early and gone. I am just sometimes not sure if this is moving ahead as it should.
ja123 Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Everyone has their own idea about what "moving along" means. If you're not comfortable continuing with him without further commitment (engaged, marriage, etc.), then talk to him about what your needs and expectations are.
BluEyeL Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Yes if we were married, we would certainly live on the farm. He will not leave it. Yes it is enough, for now. My concern is that I do want more and I am not certain I want to wait 10 years for it. His place is about 5 miles from my home. He stays at my house 3 nights a week and is up early and gone. I am just sometimes not sure if this is moving ahead as it should. Not sure why you couldn't get married and you live at the farm with his mother. She might live to be 100 you might wanna make sure that the mother is not an convenient excuse for him to keep his distance. Maybe 1 year and a half is a bit early, but you two either should get married and find a place to live, be at the farm or elsewhere, or break up eventually. I would give it 2 to 3 years, propose a solution that would be acceptable, and if he doesn't make up his mind, walk. Have to warn you that you won't find someone as fast if you move on, but there is a chance that it'll take less than 20 years to get married again if that's what you want. 2
mightycpa Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 I don't really see how the mom or the farm plays into this if you are willing to move onto the farm, unless she doesn't want you there. So what I gather is that he's open to marriage, but not today. Apparently, he's not open to an engagement right now either. How long are you willing to wait? 2
Author CiciMirinda Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 I have. He has asked me to be patient as he is in a tough spot. Which I agree, he is. He has never said that we will certainly be married one day. Again, I believe in marriage and want it. He sends me mixed signals which I mostly just ignore, or try to and take his actions into account. My concern is that I spend years, waiting patiently, only to end up with the option to live together and no marriage.
d0nnivain Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 I think you are dating a good guy. Why do you need to address anything else in the short run?
Author CiciMirinda Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 mightycpa- She has never said that. But living with a mother and my son (my boyfriend) not a good idea. It would only open the door to troublesome things. She has her way of doing things. I have mine. Not an option for all of us to be under the same roof.
mightycpa Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 I have. He has asked me to be patient as he is in a tough spot. Which I agree, he is. He has never said that we will certainly be married one day. Again, I believe in marriage and want it. He sends me mixed signals which I mostly just ignore, or try to and take his actions into account. My concern is that I spend years, waiting patiently, only to end up with the option to live together and no marriage. Ok, I just re-read the original post. .... WHEN HIS MOM LEAVES THE FARM So, why does that have to happen first? Do they share the same house? EDIT: OK, I'm up to speed now. She's going to be 100 before she "BUYS the farm" Is this the kind of farm you can build another house on?
BluEyeL Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 I think there are different issues here. I think if he wants to marry you, you'll solve the practicalities one way or another. But you don't know if he wants marriage and you mention the option being living together without marriage. That's an unfavorable option for a woman, I wouldn't take it. Ignoring all the reasons and excuses for which marriage cannot happen now, I would tell this man that I want to be married and I don't consider living together a viable option. For one. Then make that timline in your head, how long you're willing to wait. Bring it up again close to your deadline. If nothing changes no moves are made forward, simply walk. If that's what you want and he's not giving it to you, you two are not compatible. 2
Strength in Healing Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 If you have to ask if you're dating the right person, you probably aren't. But rest assured, he probably is wondering the same about you. People are perceptive, unless very IQ-challenged.
Author CiciMirinda Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 (edited) The reply if I have to ask if I am dating the right person is not helpful. It sounds like something you get out of a psych 101 text book. I am sure he is wondering. He is a super careful guy. He carries scars from his marriage that ended. I am also a careful person. I have had enough sadness in this life time to last me until I am 90. I actually could not come up with a title and typed that one out pretty fast. The main issues are as stated. He is a good guy. But this is not short term. This is my life and it is super important to me that I have the last love of my life. That is not short term to me. The rest of my life is wonderful. I am doing very well in most areas. I have not been asked to move in with him as he knows I would not go. He and his mother live there together. Separate certainly, but under one roof. That place is the most important thing in his life to him and to her. Also, living with a man is not my thing. I am sorry, but unless that is what a woman wants, it usually does not end well. BlueyeL- yes that has occurred to me. In my world, if you really want something, you make it happen. So apparently it is not something he wants, at least now. But is she just an excuse? He is passionate about his farm.... and he cares about his mother and wants her to have the life she wants. I realize that no one has a crystal ball and we must risk if we hope to find our place in this world. I am only looking for opinions from others. Just for fun I went online and the advice there ranges from funny to horrifying. I am not going to play a game, issue an ultimatum. Some say if you are together for a certain amount of time and no ring to walk. I do know that I must set my own timeline and decide how long I want to wait. Part of my trouble is that I had my life and it went away. Starting over when you didn't want to is not fun. I do not always trust my own judgement in these things. Which is why I am asking for different viewpoints. Edited September 15, 2014 by CiciMirinda
BluEyeL Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 That's not a game it's being clear. You have to know what you want and what you're willing to compromise on. How long are you willing to wait. Let him know what you want and if no ring by that time, walk because you 'll need time to look for love and you're not young. Are you prepared to live with the man 10 years, 3 days a week with no perspective of being married?
Author CiciMirinda Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 BlueyeL- everything that you have said has been spot on. I am concerned and wondering if he uses the mother thing to maintain distance. That is the absolute underlying issue here. He is an honest man and a good one. I am not saying he is doing that intentionally, if he is. Yes that is where I am. I will not be content with no going forward. If things are the same a year from now, I will begin to become unhappy and I do not want that. So I am trying to get clear and this is helping me. That is the other issue. I am not young. I am not old. I am a bit past middle aged and sometimes I feel an urgency. Having said that, I did have a boyfriend before this one. It was wrong. And I knew it and after we talked, and I Knew he was most definitely not the one, we broke up. When I say I want to be married, I mean to the right person. I will live alone before I marry for the wrong reasons. I always go back to what I would do. If he were unhappy and it was a reasonable request, I would do my damnedest to make it happen. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would make something happen. I do not see that here. Maybe it is too early for him. He is a slow goer. I just do not know. So how do I figure that out? If he is using his situation to keep his distance, even if does not know he is, or hasn't figured it out yet? Or if he truly is waiting and wants what I want? 1
pteromom Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 I don't see the mom and the farm as the core issues here. If you both decide you want marriage, you'll figure that part out. The core issue is whether he is comfortable with things as they are, or whether he wants to actually progress into marriage. It's easy to say he's open to it, but his actions need to be backing that up. You say he comes over to your place 3 times a week, then he gets up early and leaves. Do you have sex every time he comes over? (which would make me wonder if that is his main motivation for seeing you.) Do you connect and talk and intertwine your lives on the phone, email, etc. between visits? Have you talked about a timeline at all? Asked him when he sees himself married again?
Author CiciMirinda Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 We go out, hang out with our friends, go to his place and do farm things, I go to all family stuff, weddings, Christmas, etc. He goes home with me to see my family, he texts me good night EVERY night and says he loves me at least 3 times a week. He snuggles sometimes. Not always but he is guy... He is not using me for sex. I can understand why that would be a concern but he isn't. This is a real relationship. I am too old/wise for the booty call guys. He has been unsure of marriage since I met him. He got badly hurt the last time and this is a guy who is in it for the long haul. So I understand him not wanting to rush back up the aisle. He has gone from never again, to maybe someday on the marriage. This is a guy who does not rush into ANYTHING in life. We are so similar in so many ways. But here we differ. I believe in moving mountains to make way for love. I do not know if he does or not does not. I know he loves me, he is not the type to say that without meaning it. As Blueye1 says, I am just not sure I can stand this for 10 more years. And is it an excuse? How do I know? I know I will give him more time. Not 10 years but some more time. It has only been 18 months, though we have been best friends for 9 years... Because he and us, deserve that. But lately I have been restless about this. I do not know why. I just am. I try to be empathetic and realize other's points of view. I struggle, because again, when I know what I want, I go and get it or make it happen if I can. Is it possible that he does want what I want and I just need to shut up about it? Trust the universe an all of that? We have not talked about a timeline, again, Mom is very much a factor. He will not move from his place. So I need to go to him, which I Have no problem with. I love how he loves that place. But... again is this an excuse or a real issue? 1
pteromom Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 I would just go with the flow for a few more months and see what happens. If you get to 2 years together with no talk of marriage, I would bring it up seriously, and see what he says. I would be wanting at least an engagement ring and a plan by 2 years. 1
pteromom Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 He will not move from his place. So I need to go to him, which I Have no problem with. I love how he loves that place. But... again is this an excuse or a real issue? I don't know... when you talk about moving there, does he stammer and get uncomfortable and change the subject? Or does he enjoy dreaming about that day with you?
Author CiciMirinda Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 Good advice. No he does not stammer. Tells me he wants me out there with him. Wants me to sit on the porch swing with him when we are very old. He has even discussed funeral plots (he owns 2) saying that he hopes I will be next to him... then he jokes as if the seriousness has scared him a bit? Taken out of context, that sounds weird but it was a whole discussion. He calls himself husband every once in awhile in a joking way. Such as "sure you sit there while the husband does all the work". But if I bring it up, and I may very well be guilty of being too intense (HATE it when I do that!!) he does back up a bit. It has to be him bringing it up, not me. This is why this is so very hard. He is not a player, he is not insincere, he is not a user. He is a bit scared, I know that. Once bitten twice shy and all of that. He says things like the above. But we cannot move on, because of his living arrangement. I guess I must think he likes it well enough or he would change it? 1
mightycpa Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 I still don't understand why you don't broach the subject of building mom a log cabin or something. That seems like the obvious solution.
pteromom Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 But we cannot move on, because of his living arrangement. I guess I must think he likes it well enough or he would change it? If he is talking about burial plots together, and is enmeshing your lives so you know he isn't just "future faking" you, it sounds like he IS changing it. Just sounds like he is cautious and slow. Nothing wrong with that. Going off what you've said here, he sounds legitimately interested in moving forward. Maybe just a little more slowly than you'd like. 1
Author CiciMirinda Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 CPA yes it is. I already have. She will not move out of that house and he says he is not building anything on that land. Nor will he move to town with me. So you see? Mixed messages. But perhaps he is just a slow mover. Trouble is I am not certain.
mightycpa Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 CPA yes it is. I already have. She will not move out of that house and he says he is not building anything on that land. Nor will he move to town with me. So you see? Mixed messages. But perhaps he is just a slow mover. Trouble is I am not certain. They are not mixed at all: She WILL NOT move out of the house. He WILL NOT build another structure. He WILL NOT move out. He CAN SEE marriage SOMETIME in the future. You're just not listening. He might not even realize what he's saying, but his IS SAYING IT. You need to start taking him at his word. 2
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