venusinlibra Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Some of you may have seen my last story, where we had a great connection, but he went through tough times right after he said I was the one. Now there has been silence for a month, and I'm not reaching out. But I'm really doubting myself. Yeah, he has to look for a new job, might relocate, is grieving, etc., but it really hurts me to be pushed away. I have dated soooo many others since him, but just keep thinking of him. Please read and help me try to move on and/or give hope that he might return. After a few dates, he said I was the one and he needed to "process things". He had a few panic attacks when saying that I was the one and said he would never ever be able to forget about me. Our connection was amazing. He turned to me a few days later when he got demoted at work but went silent a few days later when his grandparent died. Since then, there has been little communication for nearly two months, yet he tries to suss out if I am dating anyone else. Later in the same conversation, he will say he doesn't care about any relationship because his life is a mess and he's not in the right place for it, but keeps talking to me. He had told me about his horrible childhood and how he was abandoned by the dad but still always heard that he wasn't good enough, and that it still affects him. My gut told me that he might be afraid of getting hurt and might have orchestrated this situation to where me, someone who vocally cared for him and was there for him, would not reach out anymore. This gives him a license to say that I never really cared, even though I backed away for other reasons. What do you think? Can men with baggage like this get scared and pull away when they think they found the one? Will he ever resurface?
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 It seems like you are putting yourself in an endless loop. Whether or not you find a guy worth the effort. You are clinging on a broken dream. Sure he can be hiding, but will he mature enough to realize overnight. No... mainly because men don't find out until it is too late. I been there long ago with the shoe being on the other foot. I expected some day she'd contact me through mutual friends. She left and never looked back. I too believed, yet something about me scared her enough to stay away permanently. I never bothered contacting her, as it would have taken a bit of work to bother family, and I got the picture on how well she cut ties with peeps. Now the big thing is, working to get over it. It took me a good year, though I did it on my own. I did not bother getting involved with others, as I did not feel quiet trusting. I don't know if finding yourself is the term, but found peace with things by just being alone and doing simple things to keep my mind clear. Hope you can understand, it is not about giving up, it is about living through things beyond your control so to speak. 1
Author venusinlibra Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 Yes, it is very hard, especially after he said I was the one, quizzed me on my dating status, then several minutes later said he wasn't in the right place for a relationship because he had nothing to offer. Any other insight would be appreciated...
mightycpa Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 You ladies don't really hear this advice enough: Man up. Yes, it's hard. Nothing worthwhile is easy.
Toodaloo Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Dear God he really has got your knickers into a twist! No contact. Change his name to something insulting on your phone to remind you NOT to respond. No email. No Facebook. Delete, delete and delete. If you let this one back he will keep you dangling for nothing and waste the best years of your life. Get the hell out while you can. As to what to do. Go out with friends. Take up a new hobby. Concentrate on work. Go to the gym. ANYTHING that does not involve him. Find new ways of styling your hair, get new make up, false nails, shoes... whatever you can to make your self feel good about your self. What not to do. Date - not until you are over him - this means you don't think about him, you feel neutral about him (not happy, sad or angry just nothing much). Do not call him or accept contact him in any way shape or form. Do not stalk him on facebook or other social media. Its as hard as hell but the sooner you grow a pair of balls and stick up for yourself the sooner you will find men stop treating you like this. He has given you excuse after excuse. Its not on. Give it time, take care of your health and for goodness sake start being honest with yourself. You were not "the one" he was using you as "the one for now"... You are a human being not an option.
mercuryshadow Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 I think his disappearance is the best thing that could have happened for you in this situation. A blessing. The guy sounds extremely complicated, to put it lightly, and such does not make for a reliable, loving partner. If after only a few dates he was professing that you were "the one", and then pulls his disappearing act...honestly, there is no need to microanalyze the situation. His action, or lack thereof, is speaking. Please stop driving yourself crazy. There is no way you can know what is going on in this guy's heart and mind, but you can give yourself closure based on what has happened. We all "fall in love" with the idea of how things could be. We become enamored. This guy painted an illusion for you, and you have to let it go. To be quite honest, it sounds like any real relationship to be had with him would be very confusing, complicated and painful. Do yourself a favor and let this go.
Author venusinlibra Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 I think his disappearance is the best thing that could have happened for you in this situation. A blessing. The guy sounds extremely complicated, to put it lightly, and such does not make for a reliable, loving partner. If after only a few dates he was professing that you were "the one", and then pulls his disappearing act...honestly, there is no need to microanalyze the situation. His action, or lack thereof, is speaking. Please stop driving yourself crazy. There is no way you can know what is going on in this guy's heart and mind, but you can give yourself closure based on what has happened. We all "fall in love" with the idea of how things could be. We become enamored. This guy painted an illusion for you, and you have to let it go. To be quite honest, it sounds like any real relationship to be had with him would be very confusing, complicated and painful. Do yourself a favor and let this go. Good perspective. It is noteworthy to mention that he dumped his last girlfriend via phone on her birthday because he got sick of her nagging him to go to her birthday party. He told me this in the first 15 minutes of our date, but talked up her political affiliation (which is the polar opposite of his and mine) as if to have a "reason" for his actions. And the girlfriend he had for 5 years decided not to move with him for his new job, and he said they had decided they were going to get married. I don't buy that, do you? But there are good sides of him. I keep thinking about how much he volunteers, and think that he couldn't really be that bad. Thoughts? Anything to get me over this....
mercuryshadow Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Yes, this may sound harsh, but for right now, you must only focus on his negative qualities. Of course he has some good in him...but just as a side note to consider, his volunteerism may only be to boost his ego. You can't know for sure. What you can know for sure is the way he has treated you, in addition to the calloused way he spoke of hurting his prior partners. A whole lot of ugliness to focus on. And for now, you should do just that.
Author venusinlibra Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I've been doing something similar and I do have a funny (to me) name for him. It sure would be nice to get some closure though. I wonder how right I am with my interpretation of it, as seen above. Could someone please offer some reasons or even agreement with my hypothesis?
Author venusinlibra Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 Yes, this may sound harsh, but for right now, you must only focus on his negative qualities. Of course he has some good in him...but just as a side note to consider, his volunteerism may only be to boost his ego. You can't know for sure. What you can know for sure is the way he has treated you, in addition to the calloused way he spoke of hurting his prior partners. A whole lot of ugliness to focus on. And for now, you should do just that. Yeah, I thought the volunteering could be for an ego boost too. He knows that might make him look better too, because, let's face it, dumping someone on their birthday makes him look heartless. And he even wanted to hear my other online dating stories, namely about the weird guys I met. He would bash them and make fun of them, and only let off when I wouldn't join in. What do you think?
Author venusinlibra Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 (edited) Through my other thread, I realized that I need to get some closure in order to forget about him. What would help me is to get your interpretations of why he did what he did. It will be a form of coping for me, and help me move on. We had a few dates and he said I was the one. He had a panic attack, said he would never be able to forget about me, and said he needed to "process things". Then, he was demoted at work and leaned on me, while discussing the new problems that it caused. A few days later, a grandparent died, and then he shut down. Our communication was very sparse because he wanted to be alone, and during our last contact, he was quizzing me about my dating life trying to see if I was still available. The conversation topic changed and he eventually said (seemingly out of nowhere) that he didn't care about relationships because his life was in shambles and he had nothing to offer. I told him I wasn't surprised that he felt that way. But he kept talking to me before he disappeared. I will not reach out to him again, as he would be very receptive whenever I checked on him, but ended up dropping off in mid-conversation. And so there has been silence for a month. He has been quite vocal about his bad childhood, which consisted of abusive father, parents divorcing, the dad abandoning them to start a new family, all while making sure that he knew that he was never good enough and wouldn't amount to anything. I think he felt that he wouldn't be good enough for me, even at his best, and was afraid of being hurt. I got to thinking about how much a childhood like that could affect someone. Mine was similar (he knows a little about my past), in some ways worse, some ways better, and I had to really work through my feelings that I didn't deserve to be happy and no one wanted me. Could he be going through the same? Just need to know and get thoughts to help me move on. Edited September 15, 2014 by venusinlibra
oberkeat Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 This guy seems to have too much drama going on in his life. Most girls want a guy who has his stuff together. I would cut him loose. You need to find someone who is less screwed up.
d0nnivain Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Whatever his issues are, they are his You dated a few times. You aren't his shrink & you can't fix his problems. He won't be a good partner until he works out his issues. Really this has nothing to do with you other than you are the latest person he hurt.
Zahara Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Can men with baggage like this get scared and pull away when they think they found the one? Will he ever resurface? Honestly, just because a man tells you within a few dates that you are the one, it means absolutely nothing. I'd be rich if I could bank on such words. You won't focus on action. Actions dictates that he wants to be alone, has expressed it and has disappeared. But you focus on those little words. And words that do not follow with action. And most times the ones with all this baggage, words like that are not dependable because it isn't coming from a place of stability and emotional availability. I also read about how he treated his ex. You see the signs but we often think we're the exception because they said ABC, when infact, most times we are normally the norm. You had a few dates with him. I think this is your ego working against you and that is why you are going in circles.
Gloria25 Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 You really need to do the "no contact".... Every time you make contact, you re-open the wound and it cannot heal. Yes, we all go over the 'but he said/did....'. But, at the end of the day it didn't work out. Ever hear of that Brandy song "Almost Doesn't Count"?
Author venusinlibra Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 Good point. My ego is working against me because the silence makes me doubt myself and my attractiveness to him. It really did a number on me to be told that I was the one, then lean on me, then he disappears but wants to know my dating situation to see if I'm still available. Very few men in my metro area meet my criteria. But I think the way he told him he treated other women speaks alot about him. Plus, he always wanted to bash my previous dates and told me on our first date that I must have "gotten my men mixed up". Keep the answers coming...I'm slowly getting better.
Author venusinlibra Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 Good perspectives. He does have lots of problems and it's about him. And his statements were coming from a man who was unstable so I need to try and forget about them. Does he sound insecure? Like, he would think he couldn't get me or keep me?
mightycpa Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Can you please explain something to me OP? How does this thinking: Good perspectives. He does have lots of problems and it's about him. And his statements were coming from a man who was unstable so I need to try and forget about them. lead to this thinking? Does he sound insecure? Like, he would think he couldn't get me or keep me?
Author venusinlibra Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 Can you please explain something to me OP? How does this thinking: lead to this thinking? Certainly. To me, being unstable and having a lot of problems is different than being insecure. The former are more situational, thus more easily changed, whereas the latter is something that is much harder to fix and often requires therapy. I guess I'm just trying to determine the depth of the issue. It would be easier for me to say he is "insecure" than to say he is "unstable", and would help me with moving on.
Zahara Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Certainly. To me, being unstable and having a lot of problems is different than being insecure. The former are more situational, thus more easily changed, whereas the latter is something that is much harder to fix and often requires therapy. I guess I'm just trying to determine the depth of the issue. It would be easier for me to say he is "insecure" than to say he is "unstable", and would help me with moving on. He has been quite vocal about his bad childhood, which consisted of abusive father, parents divorcing, the dad abandoning them to start a new family, all while making sure that he knew that he was never good enough and wouldn't amount to anything. Insecurity? Instability? What does it matter? From his past, it sounds like all that may have really torn into his emotional wellbeing.
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