glitter_bug Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 hello loveshack gurus! Here is my problem..(well one of them anyway) I cant figure out the guy friend thing. I have just started at college, and i'm having a blast. I am a generally happy bubbley person and I dont really have much trouble making new friends, with girls anyway. I've never really had any guys as friends before, not having any brothers, and going to an all girls school. The only close relationships I've had with them have been my boyfriends. I really want some as friends, but they tend to get the wrong idea. BUT..I can't keep my guys friends as friends - one of them in particular, J, has gotten all besotted with me. And I met another guy a few days ago who is also starting to do the same thing. They seemed pretty cool when I met them, but now they are always calling or msging me (several times a day) and wanting to catch up all the time. I know I could always ignore them and give them the cold shoulder. But I don't. I know this is immature but I sort of like being fawned upon and fussed over. However I know I am not attracted to them at all, and can't imagine being so. I am also not really looking for a bf at the moment anyway. I don't want to hurt these guys, or toy with them. I just want some friends dammit!
moimeme Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 I know I could always ignore them and give them the cold shoulder. But I don't. I know this is immature but I sort of like being fawned upon and fussed over. I don't want to hurt these guys, or toy with them. You already are. See above.
monkey00 Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 the question is, why do you want guy friends? I know most guys are friends with girls cause they want to get into their pants....but not all are like that, and it seems like your new friends are trying that. If you want to keep them in their friends place...which girls like to do often is say : you're such a good friend (name) its the best indirect way of telling htem.
SuperFantastico Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 See below link. Reverse engeneer ideas. Use said ideas to have guys as just friends. Now just making friends with guys because you want to have guy friends, isnt really a great reason to have a friendship. Its like me saying one day, damn i dont have any chinese friends. Well let me go get one!! You should get friends for the simple reason that you like them. I have lots of guy and girlfriends. Some i wanna get with yes, but as long as you dont get too attached to them, you will be ok. Now seeing as you like the attention (ie: being fawned over), you should make sure you are not doing anything to give them the wrong ideas. Like getting all flirty and touchy. To girls this is all second nature stuff. Us guys are more direct about our feelings. We say what we want. "ugh hungry, ugh eat" whereas women take the body language approach. 'gina ever so slightly turn her legs to the mutton, thus indicating her want of the glistening honey basted treat' Basically what im saying is, just because you are play flirting with a guy, he might not catch the subtle difference from real flirting. So make sure you indicate in a less unobvious way that you are just playing. Perhaps try talking to them about a guy you like. You know something like that. So they can at least put two and two together. Of course if you are hot, then you might as well get use to it. Its tough to be just friends with the opposite sex.
sarah12 Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 I have had the same problem since I started university many years ago. I had a lot of guy friends in high school so I assumed it would be no problem making guy friends in college but boy was I wrong!! It's a sad reality but you pretty much have to accept that there are very few platonic male/female friendships in university. I've been told that guys don't want girls as friends, they have enough friends. They want girls for other reasons although I believe there are a FEW exceptions. I have one or two guy friends who I know things are completely platonic with. While thoughts of sex may have crossed their minds at one point in time, I'm sure it was a long time ago as we are now way beyond that point. But like superfantastico said, you can't go looking for guy friends. They just come. The ones who want to be your friend are the ones who understand that you want nothing more than friendship because they will not push the boundaries. A few tips on how to keep away those who want to get in your pants: - don't be overly friendly/bubbly when you first meet the guy, be nice but don't over do the 'niceness' - body language: when you meet or see these guys, don't be jumping on them with a big hug around their necks, just give them a sort of side hug, or better yet, don't give them a hug at all, just put your hand on their arm or something like that.. - don't get too personal about your life with guys, they'll take this as a sign of you letting them in; save the personal discussions esp about feelings/thoughts etc, for your girlfriends, guys only talk about these things with their girlfriends, - if you have a boyfriend or are dating someone, there's no need to rub it in the guy friend's face, but you can drop light hints about it - don't stare into their eyes when you talk to them (i have a huge habit of doing this b/c i am a good listener)..avert your eyes once in a while so you seem distracted - always end the conversations These are tips from my personal experiences with guys. Like I said, I only have 1 or two true guy friends, but I do know a lot of guys who I would consider acquaintances or friends, but not close ones, and there is a reason for this. For the most part, I haven't had much success with true friendships between guys and girls. I love hanging out with my guy friends, but since we never get personal about anything, I don't think I could ever be best friends with these guys. And in our group of mixed friendships (there's probably about 15 of us guys/girls), all of us girls have had something going on with at least one of the guys -- mostly an emotional bond that cannot be pursued due to one or both having a bf/gf. I hope this helps!!
7on Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 First off, tell these guys you just want to be friends. And people wonder why guys go crazy and on a killing spree killing all sorts of people. It's because women like messing with men - and this can and does drive men crazy. I'd rather be turned down early than end up spending the night with a girl only to find out she has a guy elsewhere - and that she was just using me. And do not flirt with guys unless you are interested in them!!!! I can even get interested in a girl who flirts with me anymore. Because they are skanks.
bluetuesday Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 Originally posted by 7on I can even get interested in a girl who flirts with me anymore. Because they are skanks. very nice.
mraverageguy05 Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 I'm curious to know what you, or girls in general, are looking for in being "just friends" with a guy?
RowanRavyn Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Originally posted by mraverageguy05 I'm curious to know what you, or girls in general, are looking for in being "just friends" with a guy? I grew up with my nephews. I was always one of the boys. I am just more comfortable with guys. Female friendships usually have a lot of unnecessary drama. (See my post in Friends section). My guy friends are just simpler. It works because most of our (my hubby :::Giggles because tomorrow is her one week anniversary:: and I) friends are shared. We have very well defined boundaries, and our circle of friends are really protective and good for each other. My relationship with guy friends is comforting and comfortable.
SuperFantastico Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 7on has a good point. NEVER EVER flirt with a guy who is a friend. I know its the female way, but unless you want them to start liking you, dont. Women tend to do it naturally without even knowing. So check your flirting. And watch your body language too......er this is too much work....just make sure you arnt sending mixed signals. p.s. Flirting dosnt necessarily mean skank, 7 , lol.
sarah12 Posted April 2, 2005 Posted April 2, 2005 I was always one of the boys. I am just more comfortable with guys. Female friendships usually have a lot of unnecessary drama. I was also always one of the boys, even though if you saw me you'd think that I am the definition of a girl. Anyways, I am beginning to think that some male friendships also have a lot of unnecessary drama. They get jealous if you talk to other guy friends because they want to have all your attention and will do and say stupid things to you just because they feel insecure. I'm curious to know what you, or girls in general, are looking for in being "just friends" with a guy? With the above said, there are still lots of things I do like about male friendships. The most important thing for me is that I am able to have stimulating intellectual conversations with them, which I cannot do with girlfriends. Another thing is that most girls are not very active, except for going to the gym and such, but I am very much an outdoors type girl so I enjoy camping, canoeing, running, etc. and find that most people who also enjoy these activities are guys. I don't let a lot of my male friendships get too close and personal because I prefer to keep that boundary there in order to keep the friendships more clean.
Chipmonk Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 The most important thing for me is that I am able to have stimulating intellectual conversations with them, which I cannot do with girlfriends. Another thing is that most girls are not very active, except for going to the gym and such, but I am very much an outdoors type girl so I enjoy camping, canoeing, running, etc. and find that most people who also enjoy these activities are guys. From the guy's point of view ... there aren't enough people like you in the world. You have no idea how frustrating it is to go on a backpack with a bunch of friends, and notice that it's two guys who brought serious girfriends and eight guys who didn't. And I guarantee you each of those eight guys is thinking one of two things: either "why does my girlfriend refuse to have fun like this", or "why can't I find a girl who will do this with me?" Getting back on topic... Let me repeat. I'm a guy. I know very few friends who are girls who I consider just friends, who I would not consider a romantic relationship with. Most of those girls are in relationships that are serious enough that I would be surprised if they don't lead to marriage within a few years (and one already has). The few others, there's something about them that I find extremely offensive (e.g. some I'd call sluts, some drink themselves into oblivion every weekend for fun, and some are so timid that they'd be a nervous wreck going anywhere without five other friends), but they are people I still esteem for other reasons. Ironically, my best friends, the few people I trust completely, fit into those two categories. Never flirting with a guy is a good rule. A guy thinks he sees flirtatious interest, he can (and often does) rationalize away any hints you think you're giving that say "uninterested". A typical rationalization, and why the "friend" hint doesn't work? "She called me a friend, but I see something more. Maybe she's too nervous to admit interest, maybe she's afraid I won't return her interest, maybe she hasn't thought about it. I'd better ask her out." You may find that stupid, but to a guy with a crush it makes complete sense. And there are a lot of couples who started dating because the guy took that chance, it's very appealing. Now, if the guy is willing to bend over backwards to help you find a guy you are romantically interested in, he's a friend. If you point out a guy, then he conspires to get you and that guy alone for a while, he's a good friend (by the way, this applies to girls too... you want to tell a guy he's a friend, don't call him a friend; do this for him). If a guy is harboring any interest, he won't be able to set you up with any good prospects. Be careful with this one though, there are a lot of ways for a guy to seem helpful while actually performing sabotage.
westernxer Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Why not just have girlfriends instead? Guys aren't in this just for frienship. If they haven't made a move yet, it's because they're too chickens.h.i.t. for whatever reason. Find a gay guy to hang out with if you're that desperate for male companionship. Most guys (myself included) wouldn't befriend you just to be friends unless there was a chance for something more. That's just the way it is.
westernxer Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 You could always have sex with them without any strings attached... just a thought, that's all. Isn't this what college is about? Think it over a few drinks at a Friday night dorm party.
thatmusicdude Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 One of my best friends is a girl and we have no trouble at all. In fact her other best friend is a guy also. It is possible, but it's all about the guy.
sarah12 Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 Originally posted by Chipmonk From the guy's point of view ... there aren't enough people like you in the world. You have no idea how frustrating it is to go on a backpack with a bunch of friends, and notice that it's two guys who brought serious girfriends and eight guys who didn't. And I guarantee you each of those eight guys is thinking one of two things: either "why does my girlfriend refuse to have fun like this", or "why can't I find a girl who will do this with me?" Really? It's funny that I get told this, yet I'm always the one without a boyfriend. I love doing that stuff, and while I think it's great going to do these things with guys, I also wish more girls were into it. It gets a bit intimidating at times when it's just you and 8 guys. The few others, there's something about them that I find extremely offensive (e.g. some I'd call sluts, some drink themselves into oblivion every weekend for fun, and some are so timid that they'd be a nervous wreck going anywhere without five other friends), but they are people I still esteem for other reasons. Ironically, my best friends, the few people I trust completely, fit into those two categories. Intersting, but have you considered that maybe these girls are very different when in a relationship? I have known one or two girls who were the type you categorized as sluts/alcoholics (ok I know you don't actually mean they are that bad), but they completely changed when they met their current boyfriends. In a way, I see myself the same way. I do go out whenever I can, and I do meet guys and drink and have my fun til the wee hours of the night sometimes, because I like to have fun. However, whenever I've dated someone, I don't talk to other guys much, guy friendships are a bit distant, because I want to respect the current guy. Most people know that I have a lot of guy friends, and if they don't know me, they probably assume I am just some slut or osmething. Anyways, the point is that maybe there's something more in these girls if you got to know them really well. Never flirting with a guy is a good rule. A guy thinks he sees flirtatious interest, he can (and often does) rationalize away any hints you think you're giving that say "uninterested". A typical rationalization, and why the "friend" hint doesn't work? "She called me a friend, but I see something more. Maybe she's too nervous to admit interest, maybe she's afraid I won't return her interest, maybe she hasn't thought about it. I'd better ask her out." I'd say that 90% of the time this happens, I really do want the guy to leave me alone, and they don't because of the above 'rationalizations' no matter how much I tell them straight up that I'm not interested, please leave me alone. Any ideas on how to solve this problem? If you point out a guy, then he conspires to get you and that guy alone for a while, he's a good friend (by the way, this applies to girls too... you want to tell a guy he's a friend, don't call him a friend; do this for him). If a guy is harboring any interest, he won't be able to set you up with any good prospects. Be careful with this one though, there are a lot of ways for a guy to seem helpful while actually performing sabotage. Good advice. Never thought of this one. Although I find it hard to do this for a guy because I' can't imagine what a blow it must be to the ego when he finds out I want to set him up with another girl. As you can probably tell, I have met a lot of stalker-ish types in my lifetime.
Chipmonk Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 Originally posted by Chipmonk Never flirting with a guy is a good rule. A guy thinks he sees flirtatious interest, he can (and often does) rationalize away any hints you think you're giving that say "uninterested". A typical rationalization, and why the "friend" hint doesn't work? "She called me a friend, but I see something more. Maybe she's too nervous to admit interest, maybe she's afraid I won't return her interest, maybe she hasn't thought about it. I'd better ask her out." I'd say that 90% of the time this happens, I really do want the guy to leave me alone, and they don't because of the above 'rationalizations' no matter how much I tell them straight up that I'm not interested, please leave me alone. Any ideas on how to solve this problem? It's because of that 10% of the time you aren't offended, because it's that 10% of the time where relationships happen. How to solve? Like I said before... don't flirt. Ever. A guy asks you out once, okay... a guy asks you out a second time, you're probably doing something that makes him suspect you are interested, you're flirting (perhaps without realizing it). A guy sticks around without asking you out again, he's either not interested in dating, or he's gotten the message and is trying to be a friend - don't tempt him with flirtation, because the instant you flirt he'll think you changed your mind and he should try again. (Or he's a stalker, but nothing you ever do will convince a stalker to stay away!). Actions speak louder than words - saying you are not interested is utterly worthless unless you act that way too. Some girls really slam the door in saying no. Every guy has experienced that. Say there's someone you think is friend material, you try to be gentle by closing the door less painfully... here's how I interpret gentleness. "She didn't push me away very hard - there's a part of her that does like me, she's just not admitting it. Maybe a current boyfriend she doesn't want to dump, maybe she doesn't want to start something suddenly and instead wants to know me better, maybe she's hurt from something that just happened and not ready right now, maybe there's someone else she wants more and she'll think of me once she realizes he's uninterested. My chances aren't good, but she's indicated I do have chances, so I'll back off, wait for a sign that she's changed her mind, and try again." If you have no romantic interest, you MUST make that perfectly clear. If the guy really is friend material, he can take the harsh rejection - don't sugar-coat it. A half-rejection does not mean "let's be friends". A half-rejection means "I'm not interested now, try again later" to a guy. And this is because so many guys do eventually find the right person because they keep trying, the girl who wanted to be friends eventually starts dating him, and they ended up in love. Originally posted by sarah12 Originally posted by Chipmonk If you point out a guy, then he conspires to get you and that guy alone for a while, he's a good friend (by the way, this applies to girls too... you want to tell a guy he's a friend, don't call him a friend; do this for him). If a guy is harboring any interest, he won't be able to set you up with any good prospects. Be careful with this one though, there are a lot of ways for a guy to seem helpful while actually performing sabotage. Good advice. Never thought of this one. Although I find it hard to do this for a guy because I' can't imagine what a blow it must be to the ego when he finds out I want to set him up with another girl. As you can probably tell, I have met a lot of stalker-ish types in my lifetime. You miss the point: what I'm talking about here is what you do for the guy who takes that blow and doesn't hate you for it. You aren't interested in him, there's not much you can do about that - but he doesn't like only you. Face it, there are other girls beside you he'd be willing to date. And if he's willing to suffer through that blow of uninterest and still be a friend, you owe it to him to help him date one of those other girls, or at least find out which ones might be interested and which ones are not. If you care about a male friend (and I mean care enough to call him a friend instead of just someone you met), you need to be concerned about his happiness; if he wants to date, then either you date him (and be a couple, not just friends) or you actively work on his behalf to find him a date. Because I assure you, his male friends are working on his behalf already, and you have to demonstrate that you are as helpful as they are.
Marshbear Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 I feel that most women when they say "were friends' say it with so little conviction that it gives the guy hope in changing her mind. In the girls mind she has told him she's not interested in a romantic relationship but he thinks he just needs to try harder. When a guy spends lots of time talking to a girl and discussing a wide range of topics with her he is testing her out to see if she is G/F material. A girl likes the attention and the conversion but usually doesn't change her mind on a relationship. This part I don't understand because the guy can change his mind from friend to G/F but women don't. WHY? Women you need to realize that when you talk to a guy and get involved with his life then he is going to see that as interest. If he is attracted to you then he is going to want to move the relationship to the next level. If the two of you get along very well and he has developed feelings for the girl then he can't believe she doesn't have feelings for him also. Women seem to be able to have a strong friendship with a man but have no romantic interest in him. Men usually do not have this ability. If you want just friendship then tell him up front and if he wants the same then great. But don't be afraid to hurt his feelings and let him get involved and then get mad when he expresses them to you. Also the avoidance thing is the most lame excuse for getting rid of him or thinking your telling him your not interested b/c it doesn't solve anything. He will wonder what is wrong with you and you will get mad and tell him to leave you alone or quit stalking you and things will get ugly all b/c you didn't want to talk about it. If you are a true friend then they deserve an explanation, not a brush-off....
sarah12 Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 How to solve? Like I said before... don't flirt. Ever. A guy asks you out once, okay... a guy asks you out a second time, you're probably doing something that makes him suspect you are interested, you're flirting (perhaps without realizing it). A guy sticks around without asking you out again, he's either not interested in dating, or he's gotten the message and is trying to be a friend - don't tempt him with flirtation, because the instant you flirt he'll think you changed your mind and he should try again. (Or he's a stalker, but nothing you ever do will convince a stalker to stay away!). Actions speak louder than words - saying you are not interested is utterly worthless unless you act that way too. This frustrates me because I have told them repeatedly NO, straight up without being mean (i.e. not yelling at them, but damn near yelling at them!) and they still won't leave me alone. I guess I am victim to the stalker type though. If you have no romantic interest, you MUST make that perfectly clear. If the guy really is friend material, he can take the harsh rejection - don't sugar-coat it. I think I may be meeting the wrong types of guys. I don't sugar coat it, and they still get really mad at me, turn things into hatred and go to their friends and cry about it. Also, this is harder when the guy was a friend first. I try not to sugar coat to the best of my abilities, but the above happens (hatred, they tell your mutual friends untrue stories..etc.). When we agree in the first place to not ruin the friendship by dating, we inevitably ruin it because the guy can't take being my friend after I'm not interested. And they say girls aren't rational... Face it, there are other girls beside you he'd be willing to date. And if he's willing to suffer through that blow of uninterest and still be a friend, you owe it to him to help him date one of those other girls, or at least find out which ones might be interested and which ones are not. I don't owe a guy anything!! If you care about a male friend (and I mean care enough to call him a friend instead of just someone you met), you need to be concerned about his happiness; if he wants to date, then either you date him (and be a couple, not just friends) or you actively work on his behalf to find him a date. If there happens to be a friend I'd want to introduce him to, then sure I'll do it, but I don't owe him a dime. More often than not, the guy will date your friend because they think it'll make you jealous and you'll want them more. Doesn't happen in my books. If I want to date the guy, I'll date the guy, if not, anyone else can have him and that's fine with me. Because I assure you, his male friends are working on his behalf already, and you have to demonstrate that you are as helpful as they are. What? Why would I have to demonstrate my helpfulness in this area?! I'm not one of the boys! And hence, we get back to the original topic of why guys and girls cannot be friends... When a guy spends lots of time talking to a girl and discussing a wide range of topics with her he is testing her out to see if she is G/F material. A girl likes the attention and the conversion but usually doesn't change her mind on a relationship. This part I don't understand because the guy can change his mind from friend to G/F but women don't. WHY? Because a girl doesn't think about banging every guy she meets. Girls have a higher chance of meeting a potential boyfriend, so she doesn't have to take every chance she gets, and so being friends with a guy is a possibility. Women you need to realize that when you talk to a guy and get involved with his life then he is going to see that as interest. If he is attracted to you then he is going to want to move the relationship to the next level. If the two of you get along very well and he has developed feelings for the girl then he can't believe she doesn't have feelings for him also. Women seem to be able to have a strong friendship with a man but have no romantic interest in him. Men usually do not have this ability. Agreed here on all points. I have learned this the hard way, but that is why I am always straight up with a guy now when I'm not interested, but most of the time they still get mad at me. Guys have to understand that not every girl wants them and when we say no, even in the most politetess of ways, it still means no.
Marshbear Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Agreed here on all points. I have learned this the hard way, but that is why I am always straight up with a guy now when I'm not interested, but most of the time they still get mad at me. Guys have to understand that not every girl wants them and when we say no, even in the most politetess of ways, it still means no. It is because guys have a big ego and they can't believe the girl is rejecting him. It is hard to be friends with someone when you know that feel they are to good for you. Girls would feel the same way if a guy they liked rejected them. Women usually will not be friends with a guy they are attracted to if he feels no attraction. Men should follow this like women but they think they can change her mind. It is a difference of the sexes. I agree that women have more opportunities because men are the persuer and women the pursued. I guess this topic will continue to be a frustrating problem for men and women....
Chris777 Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I have had platonic female friends, but they are always old enough to be a parent, or married (though that doesn't always work either if the marrage is problematic) MY friends are usually my senior, by at least one and a half times my age, to up to 3 times my age, oh happily married. It is just easier that way, their is usually no confusion, and the boundaries are usually clear. However That is how I got involved with my ex wife, when I was 19, (she was 25)and now I am older , and a tad wiser. Especially since she turned around and did the same thing to me, only I wasn't beating her like she claimed her 1st ex was. One of my best friends was close to my mothers age, and she took an almost motherly friendship with me. That sort of thing can work, because their is usually no implied, or usually possibility for romance. I used to work in an office full of women (and far from being the typical guys dream, it was almost enough to make you vow celibacy) It was just insane hearing all the drama that these women had going on. one of my buddies ended up hooking up with one of our co workers who was seperated from her hubby. Well it turns out she was just using him for spice, and to probably make the hubby jealous. I tried to warn him after what happened with my ex (dude even bought her a ring), but she dumped him, and went back with the hubby, and He finally ended up having to transfer out of the department, because of the strain that the situation had caused. That's the other reason i say it can't work , because my friend used to go off to lunch with both the girl, he hooked up with , and another married woman who ended up setting them up after the other girls marrige hit the skids. I had even gone off to visit a church with the girl who set them, up, but found it odd that she drove me, (and one of her kids, while hubby stayed home with the other) she was standoffish, and when i made it clear tha ti did not agree with some of her world views she was almost hostile, which I would say made her more of an aquaintance than a friend. (plus I have been down the road of adultry before, and learned my lesson well the hard way.) However one of my other buddies from way back before I was married (he was like a big brother) turned out to have some sort of relationship, with another friend who was old enough to be my grandmother. their was like a 30 year difference in their ages, and he was like 10- 15 yrs older tham me lol. So you know things can happen even when it really shouldnt lol. But its hard, It is almost like we as guys are hard wired to view women as potential mates, unless it is just wrong (like family, or cousins, or like my older friends) though like i mentioned above somehow people always manage to end up crossing the line , however inappropriate. Even now when I am like wanting to be a monk or something , I still look at women as potential mates, no matter how psycho, many of the might be lol. IT would be great to find a nice girl, but with all of my problems, finding one who doesn't far outweigh me in baggage, who would be willing to take mine on, I realize is a slim chance, But I have been single for over 8 years now, maby when I have my daughter raised, but I am not looking, as too many "friends" gived mixed signals, as many of the other guys have said earlier, and raising a girl, who isnt too far off from her teenage years, makes me think I will have far more drama in that area than I care to add with another .
Cupcake Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I would like for the guy to be like a brother. Someone who can talk to me and give me advice about guys. Someone who can do cool guy things with me like watch football games, play sports, ect. Boyfriends usually spend more time loving, protecting, and caring for me. They have their own guy friends to do guy stuff with. For some strange reason, they don't usually want to see me in a "manly" or "aggressive" way. They like for me to be gentle, sweet, soft-spoken, and pretty. They expect me to spend my time shopping at the mall or getting manicures and pedicures. If I had some "guy" friends, I could do some of the masculine things I like without worrying about what they think of my attraction. I once had a boyfriend whom I thought was really cool. He didn't like me having guy friends, and he understood my desire for masculine things, like sports. He was a wrestler in college. Sometimes, when I was feeling tuff, he and I would wrestle, playfully. He realized that, although I never won against him, I was pretty strong. Before that, he used to be extremely gentle with me, afraid that he would break me or something. He always treated me like a girl. But after he realized I was strong, he stopped treating me like a girl, and started treating me like a guy, ruff, all the time. Over a period of time, he lost his romantic attraction to me, saying that he thought we were better as friends than BF and GF. His next GF was pretty, dainty, and softspoken. I've said all that to explain how difficult it is as a woman, sometimes, to gain and keep the respect of a man in a BF/GF relationship when she is a bit tomboyish. If we could have more friends of the opposite sex, we could be ourselves without sacrificing our relationships with our BF's. I usually don't like hanging out with other women, especially when I'm in a relationship. The only thing that most women do is go out to look for men. Even at the mall, we are walking around making eyes at the cutest guys we see. Everytime I go out with my female friends, not matter where we go, I have men approach me to ask me out. Very few times have my female friends and I been out to a resturant where we didn't have some guys willing to share our meal with us, and pay for it. When I go out with a guy friend, no other guys approach me. It's easier for me because I can have fun without having to be feminine and pretty all the time. I'm really great at being just one of the guys. A guy whom I've never been intimate with would not lose interest in me just because I'm too masculine. He would embrace it, and encourage it. And the best part, if he doesn't find me attractive, the friendship can survive even better!
sarah12 Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Ditto to cupcake! Although I do believe there are guys out there who like us for who we are - a bit tomboyish - it's annoying when they expect us to be real girls all the time. I love doing tons of things that boys do, which throws people off most of the time because I dress and look like the daintyess of the daintyess.. It is because guys have a big ego and they can't believe the girl is rejecting him. It is hard to be friends with someone when you know that feel they are to good for you. Girls would feel the same way if a guy they liked rejected them. Women usually will not be friends with a guy they are attracted to if he feels no attraction. Men should follow this like women but they think they can change her mind. It is a difference of the sexes. I really think that guys need to take their egos down a few notches. It really gets to me when guys won't take no for an answer. I have been rejected once and yes, it hurt, but there was a circumstance behind it though, but I don't go and refuse to be friends with the guy. It isn't their fault if they don't feel the same way you do. You can't help the way you feel, whether it is that you feel for someone or you don't. I don't blame the guys who fall for me for liking me, because everyone is entitled to have feelings, but there gets to a point where they have to work on themselves, without interfering in to the other person's life after that person rejected you. I feel like the biggest b*tch when I have to tell the guys to leave me alone, even though I shouldn't have to feel that way.
Jtizzle Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I would say to be friends with a guy, u just tell him thats what you want to be from the jump.... see me, i dont like girls at all (NO OFFENSE LADIES), and growing up i always had male friends. it usually just started as us both having a similar hobby or liking the same things. i was a tomboy back in the day, and so i played the sports, and video games. then wen i got to hs i got into rapping and boys thought that was neat, and we would collab on some stuff and friendship just started that way. it was at tha point where they were spending more time with me than there gf's. i would say if your with the MALE MALE type of dudes, you have to let ya hair down and let loose with them. i doubt if the manly man would want to have a good friend thats a girly girl and want to take him to victoria secrets and a manicure after. i say be the girl that their gf's (if they have one) are not. so if shes all prissy and oooh i cant play ball cuz i might break a nail, be the girl that plays rough and breaks his nail. all in all, most dudes that have female friends, have common interests in some way, but most of them just love tomboys
Chipmonk Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 I don't owe a guy anything!! If there happens to be a friend I'd want to introduce him to, then sure I'll do it, but I don't owe him a dime. More often than not, the guy will date your friend because they think it'll make you jealous and you'll want them more. Doesn't happen in my books. If I want to date the guy, I'll date the guy, if not, anyone else can have him and that's fine with me. I'll be blunt. If you don't think you owe a guy anything, then you aren't ready to be a friend, and you shouldn't be here complaining about not having any guy friends. Sure you don't owe him a relationship with yourself - that's not the issue. But you are so hostile to having any involvement in any relationship that he might have - even at the superficial level of introducing him to someone - that you are NOT acting like a friend. I wrote before about how easy it is to rationalize things away - here's one more. "She told me she's not interested. But she's still talking with me, and she's not helping me move on. She must want me around, and want me still single - she must actually be interested." I know you hate that logic - and I hate myself when I find myself slipping into it. The guy thinks dating your friend will make you jealous? So? You are sure it won't, so why are you discounting the idea? You are so paranoid about him doing something that you might see as continued interest that you are actually encouraging him to remain single, and thus you are actively flirting and expressing interest. This is an important point: YOU ARE TRYING SO HARD TO AVOID HIS INTEREST THAT YOU ARE EXPRESSING INTEREST. I know you want to dispute this. But please think about it first. A friend cares deeply about her friend's happiness. If the guy asked you out, he is looking for a relationship - he is not happy. Your response to that unhappiness is to deny that it is your problem. If you want him to be a friend, IT IS YOUR PROBLEM, and you must MAKE IT YOUR PROBLEM. Otherwise, he's just some guy you know. You want to stop a guy from being interested in you. Okay. There are two ways: negative and positive. The negative way is to beat sense into the guy - tell him again and again you aren't interested. This is like housetraining a puppy by rubbing his nose in it whenever he messes up the carpet (negative feedback). The positive way is to encourage his interest in someone else - as that interest goes up, his interest in you will go down and he'll forget about it. This is like housetraining a puppy by giving it a treat whenever it goes outside (positive feedback). Only one of these approaches leads to friendship. Which one are you following?
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