lovemeforareason Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Hello, i am lady who is 33 years old. i had a relationship for 1 year , same aged guy. we got along very well, he is caring and loving and so do i. nevertheless we had small fight , due to possessiveness. i didn't want him to talk to his childhood crushes, or university crushes. i didn't want unnecessary trouble. i really really love him, and i want him in my life. he was possessive too. far more than me. he said i should cut down contacts with guys, only i have to contact the guy friends if he approves. i agreed because i didn't have a life without him he was my world. and he is. as some people say we can't find a 100% matching person as our 'soul mate' , we have to scarifies, we have to dedicate. i was believing that theory a lot. all of a sudden a month ago, he started to act differently. we wanted to move in together this december. i had several boyfriends, but this was the first time i really felt everything was perfect., and loving. therefore i threw my self for him. he was and is my world. his sudden change startled me, but i didn't want to loose him. whatever 'condition' he asked me to i accepted. he kind of threatened if i do not accept the conditions he will walk away from me. the conditions were like, i can't settle in any other country than the country we are living( i am a phD holder and i really wanted to do a post doc, and wanted to fly to another country) and i should not have a single fight with him, always i have to keep my mouth shut, whether he is right or wrong , and later i have to talk to him regarding the matter, when dust settled. etc etc i agreed bcos i didn't want to loose him. but yesterday , out of blue , when he was with me, a friend of mine came to visit me. i swear he is just a friend and nothing more. basically he is not even a good friend. all my good friends, i have cut down bcos of him. this person had found my residence , (bcos he was near by,) and he said he stopped by to say hello. My boyfriend was furious, he yelled at me, asking.... was he visiting u all the time ? i said no. honestly this was the very first time he came to my house. i was angry too , bcos he suspected me. i shouted back (i was so down, i did a big mistake by shouting at him at that point , i guess) the argument went on, and he just left me saying he dosnt have any feelings, and he feels disgusting. i don't know what mistake i did. i am really confused. i am in pieces. might be that he was looking for a reason to leave me. but he should done it in a better way. rather hurting me this much. later i went to his residence, i cried in front of him, couldn't stop my tears, bcos he was continuously saying he has no feelings, and he is happy without me. i don't know what to do. my friend said that not to contact him for some days, and keep quite. i am trying my best to do so. i really love him ., he is not a bad person.. i can't believe that he has another girl in his life. i am startled about his behaviour. what should i do?
Toodaloo Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Pack your bags, get on a plane and do your Post Doc.
Author lovemeforareason Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 i really can't forget him. dont u think it i swarth giving a try.
Survivor12 Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 The "possessiveness" you describe is not indicative of a healthy & loving relationship. His demands were nothing less than emotional blackmail. He may not have been physically abusive (yet), but he was (and is) abusing you emotionally. The relationship you describe is beyond dysfunctional. Cutting yourself off from all of your friends, undermining your career potential & conforming to his demands to keep someone in your life are all signs of extreme neediness and low self esteem. Whether your co-dependence existed prior to your relationship or is the result of it, you have lost yourself in it. Stay away from this man and get professional help to understand why you believe that this is okay. You can't change who he is but you can change yourself, and once you realize how warped your reasoning has become, you will realize just how "unloving" this relationship was. Loving relationships do not require you to conform to demands. Love is about TWO people accepting, trusting & understanding each other's needs. It's about two people who accept each other for who they are and love each other despite their flaws. Love is about desire, not need. In a healthy relationship, both partners are emotionally WHOLE before they come together and create a balance, not a dependency. Despite what you may believe, love does not have to hurt. It doesn't require sacrificing yourself or what you believe. Sure, spending a weekend with the in-laws when you'd rather be doing anything else may be a sacrifice, but that's much different than sacrificing your soul. Please, find a good therapist. You need a great deal more help than what you can get on an online advice board. I wish you all the best. 1
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 As for the mess that had happened, you done right by allowing freedom, even though you expected him to find himself with you. To be honest, the way peeps are these days, with expecting and being needy, I would not be surprised if the woman he found was needy and wants him because she is unable to find someone that she can fit with. Even though he is not the perfect fit, her compromises fits his expectations. Some day he'll find himself and realize you were the best, just because you were able to show love and trust in ways most would not have. So, that is one key to finding and appreciating a soul mate, as that is the type of love and trust that must be given to each other. You have what it takes, don't loose it, or let anyone take that away from you. You can find a soul mate so don't give up... Your right there is no 100% but you can find one that is 99% part of you. It does not happen overnight, as there is a give and take that goes about it. As through life, peeps grow and change. Once you find each other, you both will grow out of what life had clothed you, and find a new style of sorts to grow into. Once you grow together, that is where your soul mate becomes your soul mate. You both could start out around 80% or even less. But once you truly find yourselves together, that is when you realize how much more you really are. I know it sounds crazy and the odds being against you, but I am proof and I had given up long ago. Really you do not need to fit in to a specific profile to find a soul mate. Example, if you are quiet but find yourself to be a good dreamer or enjoy being around peeps that are on the go. Your soul mate could be one that is more active that you. You do not want a person that is you but is the oher half to complete you as a whole. Yes it is contrast, but every new bit that is added seems to take your form as well, like your edges are shared. How to find one, it as easy as bumping into them in an unexpectedly, or as difficult as finding hens teeth. I find being casual about such a thing easiest to digest, as younger peeps tend to have less patience with how to go about a relationship. The more mature in mind you are the more willing you are to find what matters most and go for it. Being in a rush, just complicates the soul mate search let alone dating all together. That is why I did not bother with relationships until I was 30. I was grown in mind at 8, which made me not feel comfy around peeps my age until I saw equal maturity. If anything I was attracted to that more than physicals. So if you are able to allow putting physicals aside, that will help in finding the wee details that makes a soul mate shine through all the mess about you. Taking time to be friends allows for truly getting to know each other. As putting love first complicates how much the each of you will compensate by sacrifice. I know being friends is hard when wanting a relationship, and men think of it as a let down. Once you get passed that, and allowing to show and share each other from not holding back the persons you are. Then you are able to judge what is most important. A soul mate will without asking or in telling them, will find what is important to you by seeing you as you are. Meaning after a few learning experiences along with their natural ways of caring, will pickup that your sensitive to certain matters. Not that they will skirt about them, but allow you to work with them in resolving them. Plus they will know what to say at the right time, even though you feel you have kept and issue aside as to keep from complicating things. I think a soul mate if anything will be in tune to who you are in every way, and allow you to be more open as if your thoughts are theirs and theirs yours. Trust is the only way to see passed all the limitations you have had through bad relationships. For myself, I limited to only 3 physical and long term relationships, and a few very short and hardly anything to make comment about. Mostly because I did not want to corrupt my mind in believing I am wrong with who I am, and knowing it is the world that is crazy not me. Believe in yourself, and try to resolve passed issues as much as you can. Thinking that they are done with and long gone, will only bring issues when least expecting. Hopefully by the time the issue comes to play, the right man will work with ye before he runs. Some issues cannot be removed on love alone, and those can be as complex as bi-polar disorder to severe depression. Only the person effected can pull themselves out of the mess that they hide from. Gosh, sorry about all the long winded words.... I guess I got carried away. Just hate to see someone give up so early. See the importance of who you are, and keep that cherished, as once you find the right guy that can appreciate you enough to make you feel even more appreciated than yourself. Then it is time to realize you have a start at something wonderful. 1
Author lovemeforareason Posted September 16, 2014 Author Posted September 16, 2014 thanks a lot. i will try my best to cope up with the advices of u all <3
Phenomena Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 Do you want to hate your life and regret countless things when you're older? If he comes back to you and you actually stay together you'll hate yourself in the end. What you are feeling now are just feelings, you can have feelings for a lot of people, it doesn't have to be him. He is obviously a horrible boyfriend and he'd be even worse as husband. The best thing you can do is pack and do the doctor thing you want to do. Just forget him and focus on this. I know it's difficult to forget him but just force yourself and in some time you'll feel a lot better.
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