Hard time moving on because of guilt trips/feeling like everything is my fault

[singsparkles]

Hi everyone!

 

 

So to make a long story short, I met a guy about 5 months ago. He lives a state away so we would only see eachother on weekends, so it was semi-long term. We started dating, and he was seriously EVERYTHING I wished for in someone. He was romantic, sweet, he even opened my car doors and pulled out my chair before we ate. I'm 24 and he's 3 years younger than me, and I never thought anything of the age gap because of how mature he seemed.

 

 

 

Well, two weeks into our relationship he started disappearing like every other night. His phone would be either shut off or on, but he wouldn't answer, and the next day he would always have a real lame excuse. One of the excuses, for example, is he said "I was at my grandma's all day yesterday, sick as a dog. I was thinking about you all day and I'm sorry I didn't call or text, I'm such an idiot", and me, being the person I am, forgave him every single time. I'd try to give him a hard time, then I'd always end up giving in.

 

 

 

Well, there was a few instances I had written on social networks (Twitter) about how upset I was that he would disappear, and I know for one, it's very stupid and childish that I would tweet about it, but I just wasn't in the right mindset. One of his guy friends would see all these tweets, and then one day just started texting my phone. I don't know how he got my number but I'm thinking it's because one night I was with my ex boyfriend and my ex boyfriend had called him on it.

 

 

 

Well, he texted me one day and said, "I see how upset you are. would you like to get a hotel some day this weekend and f*** and talk about your feelings?" and of course I said, "Wtf are you crazy? No way! I might complain about my boyfriend, but hes everything to me" .... So, I kept the text. And that same day, I traveled to see my boyfriend and showed him the text and everything so he knew everything about his "friend" and how he was trying to get in my pants.

 

 

 

I had recently been prescribed xanax for my anxiety and depression, so before I went to see him that day I had taken two, and on top of it, when I got there to see him we went to the bar with a ton of his friends... then after the bar, he decided to get a bottle of Bacardi... so by now it's like 8:00 and we've been drinking for hours.

 

 

 

The last thing I remember before blacking out was my boyfriend kissing me and hugging me from behind and handing me the bottle and I took one last shot of Bacardi. I blacked in and out for the rest of the night and I only remember several things.

 

 

 

The first time I woke up from the black out, I was in a random car with his friend (the one who sent me a txt) and I was like hurled over in the passenger seat crying my eyes out asking where my boyfriend was, and his friend kept telling me, "Shut up you stupid wh*re, he's nowhere" and he kept telling me to stop crying. Then I blacked out again and don't remember a thing.

 

 

 

The second time I woke up I was in MY car, but my boyfriend was sitting next to me and all of his friends were outside of my car and my boyfriend was calling me a "sl*t" and a "wh*re" while all his friends were laughing at me and I just remember being a mess and asking him "why?" and crying my eyes out. Then I blacked out again.

 

 

 

Then we woke up in a police station and I was on a bench sleeping. I woke up and the cops started laughing at me and they asked me, "you don't know where you are?" and I said, "no" and the cops had told me that my boyfriend had tried driving my car home and we got pulled over and got a DUI. Hence, I don't remember ANY OF THIS... DRIVING, GETTING PULLED OVER, NONE OF IT. Which is completely scary.

 

 

 

That day, his brother calls me to ask me to help bail him out of jail because I guess it wasn't his first DUI. I sent $200 bucks. That night, I get a call from my bf at the time saying it was over between us. I started crying my eyes out, asking, "why? why?" and he said "you don't know what happened?"

 

 

He told me the guy (his friend) who sent me a text that day was flirting with me all night & I was just going along with it , then all the sudden (we were at the park) and he saw me walking away from the party with his friend toward the basketball courts. I don't remember walking away, even talking to his friend, NOTHING.

 

 

 

He told me I ran up to him when I got back hugging him, trying to grab his hand asking to go and I confessed to him "I went down on your friend and he made me and I almost got raped" and his friend then walked up and I guess told him , "trust me, she didn't get raped, she did it all willingly" and remember, this is just the story my ex boyfriend was telling me at the time. I don't even remember having this conversation.

 

 

 

So for months, he made a fool of me all over the internet calling me a h*e and a wh*re in front of everyone and trying to degrade me. He told me I was "nothing but a piece of meat" to him and his friends. I cried every night and that's when I started seeing a psychiatrist heavily because I couldn't cope and couldn't sleep and would have nightmares of the incident.

 

 

One thing I asked my boyfriend was, "you saw the text he sent me that day... you knew I had that much to drink... why did you let me walk away with him?" and he responded and said, "I'm nobody's babysitter, h*e" ... I couldn't believe the way he talked to me. It made everything worse. I already felt bad that he accused me of cheating on him, but I don't even know what truly happened that night bc I don't recall any of it, which is horrible.

 

 

 

As the few months went by, he would still call like every few weeks and play with my mind. I went psycho and started calling/texting his phone like 500 times a day telling him I missed who he was and trying to explain to him how I didn't remember any of it and had no feelings for his friends and had no idea why something like that happened. I tried to tell him if anything hapepned, I was taken advantage by his friend. He wouldn't believe me. Some nights he would apologize and say "I'm sorry u went through what you did" and other nights he would call me names, almost like he was sooo Bi Polar when it came to his feelings for me.

 

 

 

Recently he called me and said he wanted to work things out after me calling/texting him for months straight. I had stopped messaging him for two weeks and EXACTLY on the two week mark, he calls my phone at 12am while I'm at work b/c I work night shift. He asked me if I would come see him that night. He said, "if you really love me, you'll come see me after work" and I said "of course I love you and I wanna work on things but please tell me you won't blow me off and please tell me you wont break my heart" and he promised me he wouldn't do either before we got off the phone.

 

 

 

I drove all the way to him at 3 in the morning a state away (driving 2 hours) and once I got there, he didn't answer, nothing. He blew me off!!! So then the next morning I get a text saying "my bad, sorry I fell asleep...if you love me, you'll come tonight" so I said "okay", even though I was upset about the night before. Now it's that night, I'm all ready, I text him saying "where do you want to meet" and he says "oh sorry I forgot I have a bachelor party to go to tonight" So then I lost it

 

 

 

That night I called him like 500 times and txted him a million times, and I was back to who I was before. He then answered finally at midnight and said, "Can you please stop calling? we'll talk tomorrow. I'm at a strip club" and I was crying hysterically begging him to stop playing with my heart, and he was soooo cold. So then I ended up telling him to NEVER call my phone again , and all he said was, "okay" then the next day he texted me calling me a "h*e" again and saying the only reason he messaged me was because he was "drunk and horny" and of course I started crying again.

 

 

 

 

All my friends keep reminding me of how all of this happened for the good and if a guy has friends that could take advantage of you, why would you even want to be with a guy like that? They all tell me a good guy would have good friends who would take you to your bfs arms and say, "bring her home, shes drunk" . I saved all of my text messages that night and I couldnt even make out what I was saying. I showed my boyfriend. I gave an address in one of the msgs almost like I was trying to have him pick me up cause I was so messed up I couldn't txt. The rest of the texts were all jibberish.

 

 

 

 

And I know, all of you are going to tell me drinking is not for me. And I know this. Since that night, I have stopped totally and I stay away from hard liquor. Because of the meds I'm on, I have two beers tops. I learned such a huge lesson from this and I have nightmares from it. I wake up sweating.

 

 

 

My question is... I have so much guilt and I have such a hard time forgiving myself for my mistakes (being getting too drunk while on meds and blacking out that night) ... he blames me and says, "if you didn't do that we would have such a good relationship today" and he also blames his DUI on me and says he wants nothing to do with me because of all the court fees he has to pay.

 

 

 

I'm having such a hard time getting over him for the pure reason I feel like I cheated. And I NEVER cheat on my partners, EVER. I have always been the one who has been cheated on, if anything! So I find it so strange, knowing how totally in love with him I was, that I would do such a thing willingly. I would never. I was completely head over heels for him and I go back and forth wishing he would have protected me, then also getting mad at myself for being so irresponsible. But I guess I thought I could trust them enough to get that drunk around them. Actually, I have NO CLUE what I was thinking.

 

 

 

 

How do I move forward and find forgiveness, and how do I fight the urge to stop messaging and calling him and persuading him to come back to me? I'm a mess and I know I need to stop. I just thought I'd come here and pour my heart out and see if anyone could give me any pointers. I'm going through a lot of depression from it. I lost my job. I don't leave the house. I sleep all day with the curtains closed and sometimes overdose on my meds. It's so horrible. And I told my ex bf this and everything and all he says is, "you're crazy. Hope you get help" ... it's so hurtful. He also called me fat and I'm 5'1" and 140 lbs, I've never been called fat in my life, and hes called me "fat" and hes said "you need to go to the gym" all over for Twitter to see.

 

 

 

I know my self esteem is low and I need to get it back so I stop letting his words get to me and begin to love myself enough to not love people like that. But does anyone have any self love tips, forgiving self tips?

 

 

 

I'd really like to know what anyone in the same situation has done, or anyones opinion.

 

 

 

I really appreciate anyone reading this thread, and I am looking forward to reading any replies I get. I thank you ahead of time. I know this was long.

 

 

 

Thank you all so much!

xoxoxoxoooxox:)

[ThorntonMelon]

Sparkles, if you want someone to talk to, feel free to PM me if/when you're allowed to. Or just post here, but I am glad to share a lot of thoughts privately as well.

 

I think the basics start just by you realizing how toxic the relationship was and what you need to actually be happy.

 

Again, if having someone else to email or message when you're down would help, here's an offer.

[singsparkles]

Hi, ThorntonMelon. Thank you so much for your message and support! It means so much to me! I am kind of a newbie at this site so I'm a little handicap at things lol... How can I contact you? Is there a way to message on here?

 

Thank you with all my heart for your support offer!

xoxox