More than a breakup, if it was a one.

[AESH]

Hi all,

 

Firstly, I hope you read my story, story of a miserable man, and provide me with your precious feedback. So hopefully I can get better. It's long, I'd appreciate it if you gave me some of your valuable time, because I really need it .

 

I moved to a new country to pursue my master's degree studies. They say I am a very successful man, maybe because I established my own company in the field of engineering while I was 19 years old. Or maybe because I am currently writing my Master thesis while being 22 years old and working for one of the biggest companies in my field. I seriously don't know, but I always knew that I miss something, something big and more important. As anyone is saying that I have everything...

 

To be honest, I never had any relationship with any girl. I even didn't like/get liked by any girl before. I had tons of feelings and emotions that I didn't know, I discovered all of them last year...

 

I met a native girl, who also just moved to this town for studying, surprisingly she had many common things with my root country, even part of her family was living there. Everything was really nice and funny, we used to write on a regular basis. I was totally attracted to her from the first sight, always wanted -not only- to find chances, but to create chances to get closer to her.

 

Her birthday was few days after I knew her. Our common friend knows that I like her, so she asked me to go with her to that girl's birthday party. I was really happy to get a chance, Imagine what? I was even in another city that I returned back on the same day...Huh

 

On that day, I talked to her, we laughed. It was nice. She lives with her best friend "a girl" and another guy. I knew she's single, and there were few guys also there. We went to a club, both she and her best friend got drunk, while I don't drink. Then her best friend accidentally told me, that she and this girl slept before with their flatmate, a typical one night stand and I didn't mind. Afterwards, the girl tried to get in touch with me while I was trying to avoid any true physical contact since I didn't want to just hook up with her. And, she went kissing a totally random guy for a long time. Yeah, that was the first day with the girl I liked, and it ended up with her kissing me. I said it's fine, she was drunk. She might be a bit player, but I will try.

 

After that day, we met one time. I made a big mistake, by bringing her a very expensive present for her birthday. I didn't know what I was thinking of, I just wanted to show her that yes, I am here, I was seeking attention. And YEAH!, I got it. Then afterwards everyone traveled for Christmas, I went to her to say goodbye. We spent the whole Christmas texting daily. I inferred that she was trying to tell me that she's not a player, that she doesn't go with random guys during the vacations and so on.

 

Second mistake comes, that I shortened my vacation to go back, and meet her few times before the semester break ends. We met for a coffee, then the next day she invited me to her home. I thought that going to her, meeting her best friend would create more contact between us and therefore getting more closer to her. On that night, she wanted sex and I refused gently by just cuddling her. I literally told her "I really don't care about sex, I like you more, yourself". Why did I refuse? Because I didn't want to make her feel that I've been doing all of this just for the sake of a single night, I wanted something permanent. I told her that I like her, and her response was that she's shocked, and she wanted to let the night pass peacefully. I stayed the night without doing anything with her, and left in the morning.

 

Everything changed after that night, she didn't reply to me the same way she used to. Then 3 days later after asking me to give her chance to think, she said exactly "I can't love you in the same way you do".. I acted as a kid, tried to sit with her and explaining to her why I refused if she thinks that I hurt her. To sum up, few months later of me trying to get closer to her even as a friend and I couldn't deal with it, we even met in my country and had good time.

 

The last time I saw her, I was drunk. I literally cried to her asking her for a second chance. She told me she is meeting someone now. That was the last day we've ever met.

 

Obviously, I was a fling. I gave her something more precious than sex, I gave her my feelings. I really appreciated her much, and I liked many things in her personality. This affected everything in my life, I no more enjoy working or concentrate on my studies. I am now 22 years old, it's 1 year now since this story and yet I can't forget.

 

It's more than a breakup for me, if it was a breakup in the beginning since everything was too fast. I lost interest in life, My ambition, motivation, everything is simply gone.

 

What is my question? I simply don't know, I just found that I'd feel more relieved if I wrote these lines. But the worst problem, is that I always keep a very thin light of hope, that one day she would change her way of life and we would be together.

 

- Was I wrong when I thought that I could be able to change her? Or did I wrongly understood her and the problem lies in me?

 

- Does that deduce that she wants to live freely? I don't know if she's really with someone or that she only said this to keep me away from trying.

 

- Did I make anything wrong that requires her getting away from me? And if not, would anything change and I'd have a second chance with her?

 

- Am I really bad? That the only girl I loved in my whole life didn't love me? Despite being very kind to her?

Edited September 15, 2014 by AESH

[ThorntonMelon]

I'm just going to start by saying that I know you mean well, but you're thinking too much - I mean, way, way, way too much. While women like accomplished people, professional success only goes so far. Especially at your age. Confidence, personality, charisma, and a good amount of common sense goes a long way. It seems given your lack of relationship experience, relationship common sense may be what youre looking for here. And we've all been there, I'm not criticizing at all, but even the questions you're asking suggest confusion with the basics of interpersonal relationships. So I hope you get a lot of feedback here and we can help. Obviously you're a good guy.

 

To your questions.

 

1. No one can change anyone but themself. You spend so much time deducing and trying to read into the actions of someone who you really only had a casual relationship with. I guarantee she at no time was trying to give you any signals about anything. The problem with you isn't a problem per se, it's just that she's not that into you. You were casual to her if that, maybe a source of attention, nothing more it seems.

 

2. See above. No deducing. Her words and actions suggest she's not interested in you. Nothing to do with living freely or anything besides not wanting to date you. It happens. Someone else will.

 

3. You probably acted clingy and needy and for all we know may have stalked or pursued her unnecessarily. But I don't see anything that suggests she wants to be with you. You guys hooked up drunk. That's all I see here, except maybe she enjoyed your company to a degree and liked the attention.

 

4. You're not bad at all. You fell in love with someone you shouldn't have based on your relationship and she didn't return the feelings, but we've all fallen for someone who didn't feel the same. Not bad at all, just a bummer. And how you treated her has nothing to do with her feelings. You cannot buy or charm love. It happens, or it doesn't.

 

Get therapy. Quickly. You shouldn't be this destroyed a year later. You may need medication and talk therapy, you're young and have way too much to accomplish to waste on this. It will get better if you get help. Keep asking questions and good luck.

[AESH]

Thanks a lot for giving me some of your time reading all of this

 

I totally agree with you, I think too much. I acted needy too, but that's because I was really normal that I wanted to be with her, nothing more. I lack relationship experience and that's obvious, that's why I am trying to get feedback from people who do have it, since I am not a young kid who still wants to try.

 

To be honest, in the beginning of this year I used to spent much time silenced doing nothing, I sometimes unintentionally cried alone. I was afraid it could be a deep depression, so I traveled, met new people and tried to forget. It's now for sure better, but I have some periods that I remember her, and I enter a cycle of confusion and sadness.

 

I just feel, that I knew myself for the first time. That I am weak from the inside, have tons of feelings that I couldn't handle a situation like this.

 

I know that we can never be together, but I need to totally remove any type of hope lying in my mind. How?

 

Do you recommend any special kind of therapy? Since the problem now is a psychological problem.

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

[ThorntonMelon]

Go see a licensed social worker or pyschologist - whatever is the norm in your country. If you have to, see your regular doctor and get a recommendation. Just do it as quick as you can.