Online Dating and this Guy Seems Pushy

[wamydia]

Hi everyone.

 

I have just recently starting dating again after a very long hiatus and I have been occasionally visiting this site to see what dating advice people have here. I decided to join today so I could post because as a situation has come up and I kind of need some advice. I think part of the issue is that I have been out of the dating scene for so long (and honestly didn't do much when I was in it years ago), that I'm just not sure sometimes if I'm being too paranoid or what.

 

Anyway, I started talking to this guy on a dating website yesterday morning. We messaged on the website back and forth several times, just exchanging generic information (what are you hobbies, etc). After a very brief chat, I agreed to talk to him on the phone. We spoke for a few minutes and I wasn't really feeling a connection, like he just didn't seem right for me. But I believe in giving people a real chance to show who they are, so I spoke to him in a few more messages yesterday evening and figured I would give it another day or two before I decided whether to cut things off.

 

Here is the thing -- he was already asking me to meet him in person less than 12 hours after we even started talking on the website. I was very honest with him and told him that I didn't have a lot of dating experience and I just wasn't comfortable with a date that quickly, but that I enjoyed our conversation and would like to talk to him a little more and perhaps meet for a date in a week or two. He continued to persist about it and I told him several more times until he finally let it go. Then, this morning as soon as I logged on to the site to check for messages, he messaged me immediately to say good morning and then asked me to go to breakfast. I told him again that I wasn't read for a date yet and that it was important to me to be comfortable first and I also wanted to make sure that I knew him a bit better and felt that there was a connection before meeting. He then messaged me with "I think Hong Kong is open now I could always order there." Which I took to mean that he was going to order a bride mail order because I wasn't agreeing to meet with him right away. I haven't responded yet because I'm not sure what to say.

 

I think he was mostly joking about it, but together with how pushy he has been I'm starting to get the feeling that he is just searching for anyone who is single and has a pulse and if he gets something physical out of it that would be a plus. Am I being paranoid or unfair? Is it ridiculous to want to wait a week or two before meeting him in person? Any thoughts on how I should respond to the Hong Kong comment? I don't really want to hurt his feelings, but I'm hovering between laughing it off and being just a touch offended.

 

Sorry for the novel and thanks for reading!

[Mascara]

OLD is just a tool for meeting people - I can tell you from experience that trying to build up a connection first almost always fails. It's supposed to be an introduction, which you then move to real life to see if there's a connection. You CANNOT establish a connection online, it's all illusion until you meet. And before you know it, you've wasted a month on someone that you meet and don't feel anything for at all and you have to start the process all over again.

 

Now obviously you're new to dating, and you can organise it how you see fit - but don't write off someone just because they do things differently.

[Diezel]

I've done something similar. OLD is a different beast.

 

No one wants to exchange email messages for weeks and then nothing comes of it. Some people want to gauge face to face pretty quickly.

 

I honestly didn't get the Hong Kong thing, though. Either it was a bad joke or you are explaining it wrong. To me, that could just as easily mean he's going to get food from a chinese restaurant?

 

Regardless, if you are already feeling these many reservations about him, then cut it off now.

 

Quite frankly, I (on a personal level), wouldn't have the patience to wait "for a week or two" because then it might never happen... and congrats, I wasted my time sending you messages for absolutely no reason. Some people just cut to the chase, some will take their time.

[katinlc]

Hopefully after you do OLD for a bit you'll realize that quick meetings really are the way to go.

 

 

The problem with talking to someone for a couple of weeks is that you feel real comfortable with them and almost feel like you are in a relationship with them before you ever meet. Then when you meet in person the expectations are already so high that you are going to date that it makes things harder if you don't feel the connection.

 

 

I also think talking a lot beforehand leads you to build up that person in your mind too much.

 

 

When you meet someone so quickly, there are no expectations. You don't know this person at all, so if you don't connect in real life, no big deal. Also, I would suggest keeping it to coffee or a quick drink if you start meeting quickly in case they are not right at all.

 

 

I'm a female in my 30's and have no problems meeting after a couple days of messaging if my schedule permits. I always do it in a public place like a Starbucks and carry pepper spray just in case (but I have never felt remotely uncomfortable with anyone I've met online).

[wamydia]

Thanks for the reply. I didn't even think about Hong Kong being about him getting chinese food for breakfast, which is completely possible. I think the reason it bothers me so much is that I know what I need to be ready to meet him face to face and that is just a little more time. He doesn't seem to be willing to have the patience for it. That's fine for him, but I think it's making me more and more certain that this isn't going to work out anyway. I'm a person that really hates to be pushed into anything before I'm ready.

[Tayken]

I always do it in a public place like a Starbucks and carry pepper spray just in case (but I have never felt remotely uncomfortable with anyone I've met online).

 

Yes as a man I always advise on public place meeting, not necessarily Starbucks, but will rather get a drink to go from elsewhere that is cheaper and better.

 

Pepper spray...seriously in public?

[Fondue]

It's much better to meet early than later.

 

You don't want to get your hopes up or build "something" for that other person, then meet them and not have that chemistry (or maybe they're not what's in their pics, or maybe they have some terrible body odor, or whatever). It's disappointing.

[wamydia]

I really appreciate the replies. Reading through them is making me realize what the real problem is -- I already know that this guy isn't going to work for me and that's part of why I don't want to meet him right now, but I'm afraid to hurt his feelings. I keep thinking that if I give it a few more days, I will see something else in his personality that will make me feel that "connection" but the more I try, the more I just know that he isn't right for me. The more I try to talk to him, the more it just feels like work. Does that make any sense to you more experienced online daters? Do you think that if I feel that way right now, I might still change my mind if we meet in person?

[organizedchaos]

Thanks for the reply. I didn't even think about Hong Kong being about him getting chinese food for breakfast, which is completely possible. I think the reason it bothers me so much is that I know what I need to be ready to meet him face to face and that is just a little more time. He doesn't seem to be willing to have the patience for it. That's fine for him, but I think it's making me more and more certain that this isn't going to work out anyway. I'm a person that really hates to be pushed into anything before I'm ready.

 

What do you need to be ready for in order to meet someone for a cup of coffee? This isn't a marriage proposal.

[CharlieFox]

How people are online and how they are in real life sometimes is completely different. Sometimes, even with people I know very well, when I'm chatting online with them, I feel like I'm talking to a different person. I'd suggest try and meet him, and then decide if you want him or not.

 

And cut the "I don't want to hurt his feelings" BS. It's nothing personal, and you have to accept that decisions like this will happen in your life every once in a while and you have to face them. Besides, you barely know each others, so what feelings exactly will you be hurting? Men face rejection on a daily basis. We gotta get used to it. It's much better to reject someone early on than to give him false hope by exchanging emails for a few weeks and waste his (and your) time.

[irc333]

You were leading him on. You weren't "feeling a connection" for some reason on the phone, so you should have said so and moved on.

 

People don't want a chat buddy, they DO want to meet in person as that's the reality of the situation.

 

I'v even seen women say, "Not looking for a text / chat buddy....want to meet in person". I usually zone in on these women, as they don't do the "Catfshing" thing as was it appears that YOU are doing there.

 

You said, "Well, I thought I'd still give him a chance anyhow....you should have just demonstrated this by MEETING him in person to find out once and for all, if he's someone you'd like to get to know."

 

But, formerly, again...if you weren't "Feeling it" for whatever reason, don't string the guy along, Catfishing him.

[wamydia]

What do you need to be ready for in order to meet someone for a cup of coffee? This isn't a marriage proposal.

Just enough conversations to know I won't be sitting at the coffee shop suffering through long periods of awkward silence (like our first phone call). And a reasonable level of certainty that he's not a serial killer. And enough interest in talking to me to know that he's not just looking to get in my pants. Because he's not that only one whose time can be wasted.

[BlueIris]

... After a very brief chat, I agreed to talk to him on the phone. We spoke for a few minutes and I wasn't really feeling a connection, like he just didn't seem right for me. But I believe in giving people a real chance...

 

Send him a message, “I don’t think we’re a match. All the best in your search.”

Trust your initial instincts. You didn’t and don’t like him. Especially in online dating, end things quickly and clearly when you feel negative about someone. Personally, his persistence is a negative to me too. But he has a right to be any way he is and to want and do what he wants, just as you do. But don't feel pressured or swayed by what others want or do, and don't tell strangers that you're new to dating and equivocal or uncertain.

[wamydia]

You were leading him on. You weren't "feeling a connection" for some reason on the phone, so you should have said so and moved on.

 

People don't want a chat buddy, they DO want to meet in person as that's the reality of the situation.

 

I'v even seen women say, "Not looking for a text / chat buddy....want to meet in person". I usually zone in on these women, as they don't do the "Catfshing" thing as was it appears that YOU are doing there.

 

You said, "Well, I thought I'd still give him a chance anyhow....you should have just demonstrated this by MEETING him in person to find out once and for all, if he's someone you'd like to get to know."

 

But, formerly, again...if you weren't "Feeling it" for whatever reason, don't string the guy along, Catfishing him.

I have to disagree with that accusation. I'm not sure why talking to someone on the phone or over email doesn't qualify as trying to give him a chance by getting to know him a little better, yet a 10 minute cup of coffee is magically going to make it all OK. From my point of view (and the reason that I feel like approaching things the way I do), making someone take a few days to actually bother to converse with me before we meet is sort of my protection. It's a way of confirming that he is looking for a real person to get to know, not just looking for a breathing female so he can get laid.

[wamydia]

Again, thanks to everyone for your replies and your advice. I think that I am going to just let him know that this isn't going to work for me and the person who said it above is right that I just have to suck it up as far as hurting his feelings. I am going to give some serious consideration as to whether this online dating thing is really for me since I have such an aversion to jumping into things quickly (naturally cautious) and that seems to be the expectation with the online dating community.

[katinlc]

Pepper spray...seriously in public?

 

 

Better safe than sorry! It's not like I keep it in my pocket with my hand on the trigger, but I do throw it in my purse.

[deathandtaxes]

I've been burned a few times by the ladies that want to message, message, and message before ever meeting up. And then the meeting up is always a dud. You can't really get to know someone in an e-mail or over the phone. So much is communicated via body language it's not even funny. I always ask for a meeting quickly, not pushily, to ascertain if there truly is something worth pursuing.

 

 

There's asking for a meeting, and there's being very pushy and rude about it. If the latter, I'd pass on the dude for sure. But he's probably been scorched before by ladies that just want to talk and talk and talk before ever meeting somebody.

 

 

It's something you'll get used to. It doesn't mean you have to rush into a relationship or anything physical at all. The online sites are a tool used to meet up. Nothing more. Nothing less.

[Purepony]

Good choice! Move on since your not feeling it

[irc333]

I have to disagree with that accusation. I'm not sure why talking to someone on the phone or over email doesn't qualify as trying to give him a chance by getting to know him a little better, yet a 10 minute cup of coffee is magically going to make it all OK. From my point of view (and the reason that I feel like approaching things the way I do), making someone take a few days to actually bother to converse with me before we meet is sort of my protection. It's a way of confirming that he is looking for a real person to get to know, not just looking for a breathing female so he can get laid.

 

This is not a method of finding out whether or not this guy is just "out for a lay". There is no way this would even prove anything otherwise. So, I'm not sure how you've arrived at this conclusion.

 

10 minute cup of coffee is magically going to make it all OK

 

There's nothing "OK" about it, it just allows for face-to-face interaction to allow for things to happen naturally/organically.

 

Dating advice given mentions that it's better to meet sooner than later. When it's gotten to the point of a phone conversation, at the conclusion of the conversation I say, "So, would like to grab a bite this weekend?"

 

I've fallen for the ol, "I'm not ready yet to meet, let's talk more here online" only for it to wind up to never actually wanting to meet, likely they weren't interested in the first place. In fact, they weren't likely to meet me anyhow. Usually they wind up distracted by someone else (something better I presume) as they fade away.

 

In fact, in person is better because there's body language, voice tones, etc that is not seen online through email or chat. This whole "I want to get to know, BEFORE I get to know you"...well, I just send them sailing. Oh , by the way....doesn't mean I'm "out to get laid."

Edited September 14, 2014 by irc333

[preraph]

Look, I agree you want to meet earlier than later, but this guy is too pushy. Being pushy=not respecting your needs and opinions, so that's a red flag. You are right to blow him off. When you get the right vibe from someone, you will go meet them.

[GemmaUK]

Go with your gut instinct. It never fails you.

 

If it feels wrong it's wrong.

[writergal]

^^ I second this! Always go with your gut.

 

For 48 hours I entertained OLD enough to create a profile (and then delete it after a barrage of email messages from weirdos far and near). Oi vey what a beyzer kholem (nightmare)! One guy flat out asked me to start texting with him that same day, gave me his Hangouts and Gmail info, and gave me his phone # (um, yeah, no thanks dude). Totally pushy. All about his needs...no interest in asking me what my name was or where I was from first.

 

Another guy refused to answer any of my dating info-411 types of questions (where did you grow up, where are you from, what do you do for work, yada yada yada) and would just respond evasively by repeating my questions back to me (maybe he was special needs...I DON'T KNOW); and another guy who claimed to be a doctor on his profile (a pediatrician, at that!) asked me if I wanted to wrestle naked with him (if HE was a doctor than I'm an Olympic athlete...*not*), um, not even on your exam table Dr. Zhivago! WTF?!

 

If I wanted this much entertainment, I just turn on HBO. I don't need no stinking weirdos from OLD to muck up my already full life.

 

My point OP is this: if a guy you meet via OLD is pushy or aggressive and that puts you off, there's nothing wrong with "nexting" him to continue your search down the grocery aisle of love that OLD is, for the best product. I think most men online could use a good reread of The Etiquette of Dating.

 

Seriously.

Edited September 14, 2014 by writergal

[smackie9]

You are going to run into all kinds of crap on OLD sites. Like everyone says follow your gut. If it doesn't feel right then it's not.

[batgirl]

If you aren't prepared to meet people in person rather quickly, you should probably try another way to meet people. The people I've encountered on OLD don't want to hang around and be your text buddy for weeks until you're comfortable enough to meet them for coffee in a public place.

 

But, on top of that, you're leading this guy on. You don't think they'll be a connection (though I can't figure out HOW you know that already when you've never met in person) but just tell him the truth and let him move on to someone that actually wants to meet him.

[irc333]

If you aren't prepared to meet people in person rather quickly, you should probably try another way to meet people.

 

Agreed, maybe online dating isn't for the OP, as this is the method of operation of online dating.