JohnnyFavorite Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 Hi everyone Have been a frequent lurker to this forum, but decided to post for the first time now because I feel like a total mess right now and any help or suggestions will be very appreciated. Apologies for the long post. Basically, I started dating this co-worker back in January. I have fallen head over heels over here, and she seemed really into me. The big problem was - she had just gotten out of a 5 year long relationship 2 months previous(she was the one that did the dumping). That should have already been a red flag for me, but I still took my chances. Three months down the line, her attitude seemed to change. She said she had doubts over us, and wasnt so sure it would work. Most of all, she still had feelings for her ex even though she was the one that dumped him. I decided to call it quits, but I was devastated. 3 months do not seem like a long time, but I had known this girl for more than a year at work and it still affected me tremendously. About 4 weeks after we quit, I started dating this other girl at work who was quite into me. A few days later, and guess what? The first girl texted me telling me that maybe we rushed a little too much in quitting our relationship, and that maybe we could consider giving it another try. I was hesitant at first, and the obvious thing to ask was what is the deal with her and her ex. She told me she had had enough of him messing with her head all the time, so she faced him and told him that they should stop seeing each other for good (a few days after she broke up with me, she started meeting her ex again). She even confessed, in tears, that during our last days, she went out with him behind my back. Obviously, this enraged me to no end and told her that, even though we may have rushed our relationship, the least she could do was show me some respect. She said she was sorry, with tears running down her cheeks, and said she was absolutely, positively sure that it is me who she wants now. After a few days, I quit the relationship with the second girl and fell for her again, but not before specifying 2 conditions (i) that she should never talk with her ex again and (ii) that she would never hide from me something as important ever again. She agreed in an instant, and we started our relationship for a second time. Everything seemed great, until 3 other months down the line when my birthday approached. She spent 4 whole days at my place, bought me an expensive gift and took me out to dinner. I loved her company. After she left home, I texted her "I enjoyed your 4 day company. You are awesome". The reply I got was that she was not as awesome as I might think. When I asked her why, she said that she is STILL not over her ex completely, and that "at times, she misses him a lot". She said that she is happy with me, but cant continue the relationship knowing that she is still in contact with her ex from time to time and that "she worries about him". When I asked her whether she went out with him again, she replied a definite NO. She said she doesnt even know if she wants him back or not, and what she needs most now is some time alone. Today was our last meeting at my place. I confided in her for the first time that I have a history of anxiety and depression, and that her behaviour is only making it worse, and that it was mean of her to let me pass through this twice in a row. I told her if we are going to call it quits, this time it should be for good. I asked her whether she wants that I pack her stuff, to which she hesitated, then said reluctantly "There is no other option until I sort myself out". We spent the next few minutes hugging each other, both of us with tears in out eyes. She even said that she doesnt quite understand why we are calling it quits considering that both of us seem devastated of the decision. She also seemed very sorry of my ultimatum, and was afraid that we might regret this deciison. Before she left, I advised her to see a psychologist in order to sort herself out because she does seem to be in a state of total confusion. Notwithstanding everything, I truly, deeply still care about this girl, and I even offered her to accompany her to a psychologist myself if she wants. She agreed with me, and texted me a few minutes ago enquiring about which psychologist to see and all that. I tried to help her out, to which her last reply is "Thank you very much. Off to sleep. Good night". Now, I find myself in a total mess. Dont exactly know what to do. My heart still aches for her, butI have been hurt for too long for my mind to accept that someday I should try again. I told her that, except for the psychologist thing, we should cut all contact. I read that NC is the best way to deal with a breakup, both for yourself and for increasing the chances of getting her back. Considering that I cant think straight and anyone reading this might have a more objective view of the situation, I would really appreciate anyone's feedback. Thanks a lot.
Diezel Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 Good lord... listen. #1: STOP DATING CO-WORKERS. #2: STOP DATING CO-WORKERS. Okay, on to your message: Basically, I started dating this co-worker back in January. I have fallen head over heels over here, and she seemed really into me. The big problem was - she had just gotten out of a 5 year long relationship 2 months previous(she was the one that did the dumping). That should have already been a red flag for me, but I still took my chances. Three months down the line, her attitude seemed to change. You were the Rebound Guy. She only texted you because she realized you were already moving on. She didn't want to lose you to another person, specially from work. She thought that maybe if things with her ex didn't work out, that she could come back to you. But you threatened her plan by you dating someone else... from work. Word came back to her so she decided to move back in... and you allowed it. Everything seemed great, until 3 other months down the line when my birthday approached. She spent 4 whole days at my place, bought me an expensive gift and took me out to dinner. I loved her company. After she left home, I texted her "I enjoyed your 4 day company. You are awesome". The reply I got was that she was not as awesome as I might think. When I asked her why, she said that she is STILL not over her ex completely, and that "at times, she misses him a lot". She said that she is happy with me, but cant continue the relationship knowing that she is still in contact with her ex from time to time and that "she worries about him". When I asked her whether she went out with him again, she replied a definite NO. She said she doesnt even know if she wants him back or not, and what she needs most now is some time alone. Dude, don't go back to her, don't let her come back to you. Give her time alone, PERMANENTLY. I won't even quote the rest, because honestly... stop trying to pin your depression and your anxiety on someone else. The first time? Okay, I'll give you that one, but the second time YOU allowed all of that to happen. So if you want to shift some blame, you might want to look in the mirror. Don't suggest a psychologist either. She's just torn between two men. Does she need to talk to someone, yes. But it's not a deep-rooted issue. She just was never fully over her ex and got involved with you. Yep, she's definitely not awesome, but you need to realize that you are just as guilty in this situation. You had a perfectly good chance to remove her from your life and have someone new, and you didn't. You allowed yourself for months to become a Plan B. Do NOT do NC to get her back. That is NOT what NC is about. NC is to heal and to get past a situation, not to cut contact so she misses you. This girl is trouble, and you being with her, is trouble too. You two are NOT good for each other and probably never will be. She might have the fantasy of wanting to make things work with you... but honestly, you'll always play second fiddle in her heart. You would be better off in a new relationship further down the line.. and hopefully NOT with a co-worker.
Author JohnnyFavorite Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 Thanks for your input man. It is good to read something so straightforward. Maybe it will help the reality sink in. Yes, I did my own mistakes in all this, I acknowledge it. Probably I was too much of a fool. When I saw the scene she made the first time round - crying at my place, telling me she did not want to lose me, that it was her ex screwing with her head, that she is certain for the first time she wants to be with me - well, I fell for it. In such situations, sometimes you let your heart take precedence over your head - and these are the consequences. The last time she contacted me was yesterday morning. She said she hopes she gets out of this as quickly as possible, and hopes she will find someone that understands her like me once she is out. It hurts. It hurts like hell. But I allowed it to, and I am now paying the price for it.
mightycpa Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 You should tell her to go see her ex, and try and get back with him. BEG and CRY, if necessary. TEXT him and CALL and POST ON FB. Tell her if it is that important to her, she should pursue him with both barrels a-blazin'! That should put an end to your competition.
Natsu21 Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 Rule of thumb....NEVER DATE CO-WORKERS! Why do people NEVER understand that? Dude...did you actually dump a loyal chick to be option B? Did she say that she dumped him? You know chick's lying, right? No woman who dumps a man would even think twice about getting back together with him, let alone have him mess with her head. He dumped her. That's what made you the backup option. Let this chicken go, bro. You two are terrible for each other.
Author JohnnyFavorite Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 I know, man. I cannot say I did not make any mistakes myself, but hell - why should a girl cry her heart out to get back with me the first time if she wasnt genuine? Especially when she had told me that she did not even shed one tear when she broke up with her ex? That is what I reasoned at the time. She sent me a photo from her "journal" a few minutes ago, which read something along the lines of how much she wants to call me, speak to me and cry with me on the phone. Why the constant torture?
ThorntonMelon Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 Because she's messed in the head. Misery attracts misery.
NopeNah Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 Why? Because, selfish! Exactly why I'm not contacting my ex. I don't want to give her false hope that "in time" we might work it out.. Its killing me but I know what the outcome is for me and her.
NoLeafClover Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 U should also offer to hold her exs penis while going into her for better penetration...while she confines in you.
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