GF of 5 years leaves

[Chompy]

My GF (actually fiancé) have had a hard couple of months. I had some serious issues with work that caused a lot of depression and anger on my side, and this made things difficult.

 

 

We were engaged (have been about a year now and were going through the final aspects of getting invites sent and booking the venue. Was pretty hard finding something.

 

 

I came home Friday, and she said that she wanted to talk. I was actually feeling pretty good because the week at work had been pretty good and I finally felt like things had gotten back on track.

 

So she tells me, " I don't want to marry you, or have my babies". She wants her freedom, and she wants a break. She stayed at a friends place that night, while I pack some of my stuff and leave the next day. The conversation we had those days was that she still loves me, and that I'm her best friend. I didn't know where to go, or what to do, so drove around for a few hours. Have ended up at my parents house, and spend most my time sleeping.

 

So some much needed context:

We both met while in long distance, long term relationships with others.

Have since lived and worked in a number of countries

Have 3 house, a dog and two cats together

I've been fairly brutal about wanting kids, she's late 20's, me mid 30's.

 

The bad stuff:

1. After the first year or so we were together, she got up an left. I was as you could expect, heartbroken. She hooked back up with her ex at the time. About 1-2 months later she breaks it off with him and comes back to me. We took it pretty slow, but things were great. I've forgiven the whole thing, and don't bring it up, even in the worst arguments.
   
2. I cheated on her with a complete random once about 3 years ago. She found out about that 2 yrs ago, and I though things were over. However we got thought that. The usual inadequate reasons for cheating: drunk & angry. (kinda complex, and me getting angry seems lame now)
   

 

The reasons she wants to leave include:

• Things just don't seem right after I cheated on her.
  
• She went out the last weekend and ended up kissing a guy.
  
• She wants to have her freedom.
  
• That she doesn't want a family, and I do.
  
• That sex is now fairly boring and mundane.
  
• the whole marriage thing was something she really tried to be excited about but has made her want to run.
  

 

I understand her having issues with me cheating, but I honestly put that in the same category as her dumping me 4 years ago. That really hurt and took time to forgive and forget.

 

I'm unsure what to do, say, etc. We've a fairly complex finance situation to sort out, and that makes going NC hard. She said we can talk next week as she is feeling very raw at the moment. I want to say lets give it a go at putting some excitement back in our lives, as I feel she thinks that she's missing out on her life being with me.

 

I know I said I got over the first time she left, but this is ripping it all open again. I'm really hurting, and confused. It all happened so fast, in fact we just planned and booked a holiday away with friends last weekend.

 

 

advice and comments welcome.

Edited September 14, 2014 by Chompy
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[Diezel]

You two have a long relationship mired in complications.

 

The best thing that could happen to you is THIS, right here, right NOW.

 

Do not marry her, in fact, do not pursue this relationship anymore. You have an on/off history that is not good for any long term relationship.

 

Let her go. If she has stuff of hers at your place or how many houses you have, box that crap up and get it out of there.

 

She wants her freedom and I bet the guy she kissed, might not be the only one. Either way, you need to internalize EVERYTHING she told you. She bluntly stated she does NOT want a family. You do. You need to respect that and understand, that probably isn't going to change with you.

 

You need some time alone (By alone I mean SINGLE) in order to heal. Go out with friends, spend time with family...

 

Do NOT get back together with this girl. She might boomerang, she might not. But you two aren't meant to be. AT ALL.

[doeblin]

Sorry, man. I know it's tough.

 

Try to reread your post.

Does this seem like it could've have been a healthy marriage? No, it doesn't.

 

 

As everyone on loveshack would tell you, No Contact is the best & fastest way to get over your ex. Now, I understand you have a certain financial situation, but you need to sort it out soon. Meanwhile keep all communication curt and business-like.

 

 

So just to keep from falling back to your depression, you need:

 

regular exercise

healthy diet

quality time with friends

hobby or something outside of work

 

and you will be ready to date again in a couple of months.

 

 

Why do you think you have an anger problem?

[Fearful]

Sorry op, I feel your pain. Your fiance was never honest with you @ any time of the relationship. She wasted five years of your life. The guy she claim to have kissed was probably are **** buddy. You are only her option. She ones left you for her ex and now she is leaving you for another man and she will still come back to you if her love expedition goes sour. She doesn't belief she want no kids or belief in marriage but only with you because she doesn't dig you. If she meet another man whom she dig, she will offer him what she denied you years after years within a twinkle of an eye. Move on with your life and never look her way. With time, you will find a better person who will love you exclusively, wholy, committedly and honestly.

[scobro]

you guys are both cheaters so it will never work.People don't change their character traits.This will happen again in the future most likely.My ex is a chater and she cheated and I took her back then she did it again a couple years later its who people are.So let this one go and really try and work on yourself and being faithful.

[Chompy]

I'm not sure how off and on it has been. She left once after about a year, and the last 4-5 has been great.

 

I doubt that she already knew the guy, went on a girls night out to the city. We live in a small town, about 2, 000 people.

 

I don't understand the whole once a cheater, always. Seems to be a good excuse. There are reasons that people cheat, and not fixing them will result in the same behaviours.

 

As to the anger problem, I believe it was different between the two events. First I was angry with her for leaving me in the sh@t of renovating and packing a house while she went on a fantastic holiday in Europe, then accusing me of something I don't even remember when I had a farewell party.

 

The second was about a bum steer I got at work, which was all work related. She was actually really supportive, but it's taken a long time to accept that. I probably became someone she didn't want to be around.

 

We are talking this week, I was going to suggest be both go nc for a month, leave all the finances and stuff alone till then. Then meet up after that. We both work and money isn't an issue.

 

The old relationship is dead, if we were every to consider going again, it would need to be a complete restart from dating etc.

[No Limit]

I'd strongly suggest you don't date her anymore, at any time in your life. She's a serial cheater and liar; you can do better than that.

 

You wouldn't want to give your car away and receive an old, rusty bike in return, right? So why bother with someone like her? You're trading your lifetime (and health! Beware the STDs!) here.

[doeblin]

I don't think a restart would be such a good idea. What you have is the seeds of a dysfunctional marriage.

 

No girl is that special to put up with this sh*t.

You can find better.

 

I probably became someone she didn't want to be around.

 

Could you elaborate on this a bit? You might need to sort your head out if you actually want to find an amazing wife.

[Chompy]

As far as I know she has never cheated on me. Just left me. No significant lies either. I believe it to be honestly a case of not knowing what she wants, but what she has now is some she doesn't want. She doesn't want the boring life when it all used to be exciting.

 

As for me being someone she didn't want to be around, I was very depressed and alternating angry at a work situation. So wasn't the normal person I typically am. As mentioned, last week was a bit of a change in that where I basically got over the crap at work.

 

It's funny, (definitely an expression as it's any thing but funny) but it does seem a little easier this time around.

[whichwayisup]

If she wants it over, there's not much you can do. She doesn't want marriage or children with you - When women say that, they mean it. Sorry if my words hurt, but you need to prepare yourself that she won't want to work with you to get your relationship back to where it once was, more passionate, exciting and loving.

 

But, with that said, if you feel you love her, then try to fight for what you want. Might as well give it your best .. If it doesn't work, then at least you know you tried, no regrets.

[whichwayisup]

As far as I know she has never cheated on me. Just left me. No significant lies either. I believe it to be honestly a case of not knowing what she wants, but what she has now is some she doesn't want. She doesn't want the boring life when it all used to be exciting.

 

As for me being someone she didn't want to be around, I was very depressed and alternating angry at a work situation. So wasn't the normal person I typically am. As mentioned, last week was a bit of a change in that where I basically got over the crap at work.

 

It's funny, (definitely an expression as it's any thing but funny) but it does seem a little easier this time around.

 

So look how fast she ran when life got tough. You were down (depressed) and having work issues. Instead of sucking it up and working through it, supporting you, being loving and caring, she chose to bail on you. She wants fun and excitement, not routine life, a stable life where you two grow together, go through the ups and downs together. She wants the ups only it seems.

[Chompy]

Deleted as double post. Clumsy fingers on a smart phone.

[No Limit]

I consider the kiss as cheating. And 'serial monogamy' isn't much better either if she ends up in another relationship shortly.

 

Well, ultimately your own cheating and her finding out a year later was quite a hit to what you two had as well. You're lucky though that you only lost someone like her instead of the 'true soulmate'.

[Chompy]

I consider the kiss as cheating. And 'serial monogamy' isn't much better either if she ends up in another relationship shortly.

 

Well, ultimately your own cheating and her finding out a year later was quite a hit to what you two had as well. You're lucky though that you only lost someone like her instead of the 'true soulmate'.

 

It's a funny thing cheating on someone. I don't consider someone kissing to be cheating. It's like not looking at a hot girl/guy in a movie scene and not feeling aroused.

 

 

What I did was cheating, and as I say, "lots of reasons, but no excuses." It's funny how adages come up, like "you don't know what you've lost till it's gone" mean till you experience it.

 

 

I guess I post on these forums because I've got very little RL support, but she is still an amazing person who I still love. Yes she has flaws, but so does everyone. She has hurt me, and I've done the same back - both of us not meaning to. If I could, I would restart it all over again with her, what we had previous had flaws, otherwise we wouldn't be broken up. The dumper is not always wrong or the evil one, and in some cases I think is the courageous one. It's often a blurry line between courage and cowardice when it comes to relationsships.

Edited September 15, 2014 by Chompy
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