Cut any connection or follow her?

[Fab28]

I'm facing a hard decision about my ex gf.

 

A bit of background first, if you don't want to ready everything jumpt to the Shortcut. We were strongly in love with each other for 2 year and some months, also if there were many difficulties, like when she was away for 5 months or when I moved to London while she will move here in one year. This never stopped us to enjoy our time together, we did as much activities as we could. I can say there was and still is a big compatibility between us even after we broke.

 

She left me because she found something in my personality that she couldn't hold, that took her efforts and because frequent arguing. Real or not I agree only partially with her, I always did my best for her but I also did some mistakes, and I add that I think it was also because she was really under pressure during that time from university and because of the distance.

 

Thanks god after we broke I didn't do big mistakes: I never begged, made stupid promises, forced her in any way or obsessively looked for her. But I still searched her, I did cry and I showed myself attached to her, I also told her I will conquer her heart again. We skyped a bit and we also met face to face few times. My life is now moving on, I've started new activities, did some trips and met new people. But I still think of her everyday and sometimes I feel very bad and sad.

 

I think she is still in love with me, she has a lot of confusion, because I realized her feelings are still strong for me but her mind tells her the opposite (that she has made a decision and she has to follow it because it's better for her). I say this because when we met I saw her flipping between 2 behaviours: crying, asking for my help about her big problems, searching for hugs and fondness, kissing me and she also told me she is in love with me, even the last time we met. The other behaviour is that she often tried to put distance between us being cold and firm with me (with little success).

 

Shortcut: I could I see she couldn't hold this inner conflict between her feelings and her thoughts plus I still feel very attached to her and I'm suffering a lot, so I told her: or we cut any connection or we give us another chance. She absolutely refused to cut but she didn't want to try again. We came up with the idea (very questionable) of cut connections just for some months because "she needs to accept the situation, don't feel bad speaking with me and to concentrate all her efforts to university" (her words), then meet again one day and keep doing this until we both feel good. I haven't had any kind of contact with her for 2 months, as we agreed, and we should be in touch again in October.

 

And here is the problem about the next time I'll see her: except that I'm still in love with her, she's a very worth person, I admire many things of her, we're very compatible and there's the chance to have still fun together if we get back or if there will be no more love. But when I feel horrible, when I still think of her, when my brain gives me a fake hope I think of telling her to stop everything, forever. And when I feel good I feel like she will come back and I just have to follow her desire to be on her own and keep waiting and having my life. Plus, if I think to say her to stop any connection, sometimes I think to say that she's free to contact me whenever she feels (but this will keep me hoping).

 

What do you think would be the best option? What's the implications? What's your idea about the situation? I can't make a decision by myself....

 

Thanks,

Fab

[Fab28]

No one can help with a little suggestion? :'(

[ThorntonMelon]

Your best option is to respect her feelings. Completely. Unless she tells you she loves you, don't "think" she loves you. You are right, if she wants to reach out to you, she will. Until then you can hopefully move on and live a happy life.

[lauri]

I'm sorry you are going through this man. Its never easy.

 

Here is a couple of things I picked up on in your explanation. You're stating you two are very compatible, but it doesn't matter how you feel. By what you told us here, it seems like she thinks you two aren't compatible due to something about your personality she doesn't like. She broke up with you based on fighting with you and based off of a capability issues with your personality / beliefs. It sounds like she has had more than enough time to determine that this issue is not "fixable" to her or she doesn't see the need / have the desire to try to work through it.

 

She feels guilty about how you are suffering...so when you gave her the ultimatum "be with me or we don't speak", she didn't want to lose the potential of having you as her safety net and gave you the idea to not speak for a few months so she can "figure herself out". This is unfair of her to do this when she clearly should have just let you go...but sometimes people are selfish and do what makes them feel better even at the expense of someone elses feelings.

 

I'm sorry to say, she already has it all figured out. She knows she doesn't want to be with you and she maybe figures that by you two not speaking for a little while it'll help you and her both move on quicker. Or maybe it was her way to cut the cord with you without having to feel completely guilty for disappearing...either way, the only thing I can notice is she isn't interested in being with you. It would be counter-intuitive for her to do all these things if she did.

 

My suggestion to you is don't contact her. She may reach out to you in the future because things aren't going her way (with school, another guy, family, etc), but unless she messages you saying "she made a mistake", then it'll be a waste of your time to maintain communication with her.

 

I'm really sorry, but the sooner you realize it is over forever the sooner you can begin your healing process and move on from her.

[Fab28]

@ThorntonMelon: Last time we met she told me she was still in love with me, several times. And yes, I agree, I must respect her feelings. I was also thinking to ask her what she needs from me and think if it is acceptable then see what to do.

 

@lauri: I can recognize many things you said, and they look so true, but others are weird. I really don't think she has it all figured out, why telling me she's in love, hugging and kissing? Because she is not quite sure of what she's doing, she's pushing herself to do what she's decided.

But your suggestion is really clear: NC from me any more, not even in October as planned. Or meet her just to tell her this. As now I feel I will not be able to do this, I'll work on this.

Do you think it will be possible to move on without cutting forever?

 

Many, many thanks guys!

[lauri]

@ThorntonMelon: Last time we met she told me she was still in love with me, several times. And yes, I agree, I must respect her feelings. I was also thinking to ask her what she needs from me and think if it is acceptable then see what to do.

 

@lauri: I can recognize many things you said, and they look so true, but others are weird. I really don't think she has it all figured out, why telling me she's in love, hugging and kissing? Because she is not quite sure of what she's doing, she's pushing herself to do what she's decided.

But your suggestion is really clear: NC from me any more, not even in October as planned. Or meet her just to tell her this. As now I feel I will not be able to do this, I'll work on this.

Do you think it will be possible to move on without cutting forever?

 

Many, many thanks guys!

 

Why is she telling you that she is in love, hugging you and kissing you?

 

Okay, let me put it to you this way. Do you think you would end it with someone you truly were in love with? I highly doubt it. Its counter-intuitive...she is comfortable with you and its hard to let go of something you have with someone after a long period of time. If you had begged her she would have been so turned off and you would have validated her feelings / decision. She still cares about you, and maybe loves you, but doesn't want to be with you. She is giving you a lot of mixed signals to keep you around - but mixed signals normally means she has fallen out of love and doesn't know why she did...or maybe she does, she just doesn't understand why it would have made her want to leave you. Or maybe there is another guy and she is keeping you close by in case things don't work out as planned. This situation happens 99% of the time on LS and isn't unique. Ask anyone of us on here and you'll see from our stories that we have been through what you have been through and wish we had gone NC earlier.

 

You are fully capable of doing NC. You just have to ask yourself how long you want to be in pain for. If you stick around and wait for this "communication date" you are just setting yourself up for a lot of pain. Chances are she won't even contact you during that time period either...she may even ignore you.

 

You cut all ties yourself, be in control of your own sanity/health and start to move on. She will eventually contact you with breadcrumbs and try to lure you back in. When that happens, you have to be strong and show that you are capable of moving on and that breaking up with you isn't a joke. Even if she does say to you one day, "I made a mistake, I want you back", I wouldn't even take her back initially (a lot of dumpees make that mistake and it just shows the dumper that if s/he leaves you that they can always take you back).

 

It'll take you a long time to heal completely, but the sooner you start the process the better off you will be. You need to understand the entire situation with a clear mind and the only way you can do that is by going NC.