How to get over MM when you have to keep contact? R with my friend's husband...

[frajola]

Hi, I am posting as a guest because for some reason I can't register myself. I did everything I was supposed to do but I haven't got any e-mail confirming my registration and I can't access the forum with my password, so I guess I was not approved or something like that. If I have to do something else, please just let me know.

 

So here is my story… please no bashings, I know my behaviour was disgusting to say the least... I got involved with my friend’s husband and I know how terrible that is. Anyway the three of us (MM, his W and I) have been friends for 2 years and my R with MM started 6 months after I met them. For 8 months it was not physical, but we got emotionally involved, then finally we had sex. From the beginning I knew he was not planning to leave her to be with me, from our ‘point of view’, we would just have some fun together and then move on, as selfish it sounds.

 

The thing is… it never worked that way. Because I know his W, we used to spend a lot of time together, traveling and going out every weekend. That put a lot of pressure in our R and things were not the same anymore, he started feeling ‘guilty’, I was feeling guilty and he stopped giving me full attention like he used to before. Somehow, even with a lot of stress we continued the R and we finally had sex. Then things got worse. He started working over time and he didn’t ‘have time’ to see me, and that really hurt me. Even though I understood the complicated situation of our R (because I was ‘part of his family’) I couldn’t accept to be put as # 100000, it seemed everything was more important than me, and he only could see me if nothing else happened.

 

Well, our R was almost over and he travelled with his W for 4 weeks. I was happy with that because it would be a chance to me to completely forget him. He didn’t call me during that time but he e-mailed me some times and we even had an online ‘fight’. When they came back I went to their house to talk to his W and of course he was there, he said he missed me, then some days after he called me and came to see me. I had planned to tell him it was over but instead we got back together. However, I told him I wouldn’t accept nothing less than once a week (how pathetic is that, having to DEMAND an once a week visit from him?). He said they were planning to have a child (they have been married for 8 years) and I told him I didn’t know how that would change whatever we were having.

 

Then he calls me next week and tells me “I have to tell you something”… he says “W had a pregnancy test”… he says “it was positive”. Then I said “OK, congratulations”. He says “this is not going to change anything between us, is it?” I say “and what exactly do we have together?” He says “we have a love affair, don’t we?”. I say “when you come to my place this week we have to talk about it”. He said OK and we hung up.

 

He never came. He called me and told me “why do you do this to me, you know I cannot come to see you whenever I can”. I said “we have an agreement; if you don’t come this week, don’t even bother to talk to me anymore”. He didn’t come. So for me, it’s over. He doesn’t call me next day; he doesn’t call me next week, nothing from him. Next weekend I go to his house because W wants to talk to me, she’s so happy and she wants to tell me she’s pregnant. I am really happy for them, although I know I have betrayed her in the worst way possible I really like her and I knew how much he wanted to have a kid, so I am happy for them. That weekend he tries to talk to me, I don’t even look at him so he doesn’t say anything anymore.

 

Another week goes by, no news from him… I decide to write him a letter telling exactly how I am feeling, not accusing him of anything, just telling him what this “R” meant to me, its consequences to our friendship and how I would never forgive him for not having the decency to tell me in my face he wanted to end it. So that weekend I have to go to his house again because his W wants me to help her with some shopping and I give him my letter. He reads it and doesn’t say anything, but the whole day, when we are together (the three of us) he keeps joking with me how he used to do BEFORE everything started… for me this is the last drop, not only he’s moving on with his life with no respect at all for me and my feelings, he seems to have decided that we can just go back to the “just friends” phase. Any chance I could feel something for him ended that day.

 

Before I left he says he’s coming to my place this week to talk about what happened. I don’t say anything to him. He e-mailed yesterday (Thursday) saying he is very sorry but he was sick the whole week and he won’t be able to come to see me. I just replied to his e-mail telling him he doesn’t have to come here and I don’t want him to come, it’s over. Nothing from him again.

 

OK, so after this long (and very pathetic) post what I wanna ask here is simple… what should I do to make easier to get him out of my mind? I know that NC would be the best thing but my reality is that I am friend with his W and I cannot just disappear from their lives without raising questions. I told her I have a part-time job on Saturdays and I also told her this Sunday I will be going out with some friends but eventually, very soon I would say, I will have to go to see her, we were very close and still are (in spite of my “R” with his husband) and she doesn’t have family here, I don’t have family here (we are newcomers in the country) and we always did everything together. How can I just tell her I cannot help her now that she’s pregnant?

 

Even though I made the decision to SAY the R was over, I feel that HE ended it. And I am not gonna lie and say I’m over him, I know that we can’t be together and I am sure I can’t handle to be with him while his W is pregnant (maybe he feels the same, I don’t know), but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. I don’t think I love him, we didn’t have that kind of R, it was supposed to be just “very close friends that have sex too”, but somehow I got caught having deeper feelings for him and it really hurts me that he was able to move on with his life so easily. It shows me he never had any real feelings for me, how dumb was I ???

 

I’m so pathetic… do you guys think there’s any chance I will ever be over him even keeping “my friendship” with him (not really with him, but his family).

 

Need advices, badly.

[newby]

keep thinking of him as her husband over and over again until you see him as that and only that. brainwash yourself basically. you have to really accept that that is the best outcome.

alternatively, cant you move?

however much you question it, its not going to change anything, he is a man, he can have sex for just sex.

men can do that and CHOOSE not to get emotionally involved, and then they WONT.

that is the difference.