i hurt someone and feel guilty

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Hi guys

 

I know I sound ridiculous but here goes;

 

There was a guy that was really interested in me at the beginning of this year. I couldn't really deal with the fact that he came on really strong. I had been single for years and years and years and found it difficult to really figure out how I felt. His feelings for me were too intense and I was often crying because I couldn't handle a man interested. I went and got some counselling because I knew that after being single for such a long time and feeling kind of inadequate personally I just needed time to heal. Well months later and I know that he and I weren't right for each other. He on the other hand has just blatantly deleted me off facebook. It's his choice to do it, so there's no hard feelings there. But I feel guilty If I had hurt him. He liked me a lot but I kept pushing him away. Part of me wants to aplogise because I know what it feels like to have someone you really really like/love hurt you, but at the same time, I feel guilty for not seeing him as a great person that he was. I wish him all the best in life, and I don't want to bother him too much because he deserves to get on with him life and enjoy it. But at the same time, I feel guilty....

 

has anyone had this happened to them and what's the best possible solution?

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't bother messaging him. The past is the past. He's doing what he needs to move on. You sending him an apology message to soothe your guilt, though well-intentioned, is kind of a selfish move. Let him go, if that's what he wishes to do. Let the past be the past and try to learn from the experience.

[Emissary]

You ever hear of solipsism? Basic meaning, you're the only person in the world and everything is an illusion, you're the star of the show. You hurt his feelings? **** him, he's not real, he doesn't have feelings. He's just plot fodder, you stepped on him to continue the plot. The adventure continues...

[TheyCallMeOx]

You shouldn't feel guilty from something that was caused by your ignorance. You seem to have been going through a difficult time in your life, considering you were going to therapy, and you weren't sure how you were going to feel. If you had known that he wasn't the right match for you, you probably wouldn't have let him pursue you. The only time you should feel guilty is when you willingly do something to hurt someone. Otherwise, you shouldn't feel guilty because you arguably didn't know any better.

 

You probably shouldn't have dated until you fixed yourself, but I think we're all guilty for going into dating/relationships when it's probably not a good idea. For the most part, we under-estimate our conditions, but sometimes we learn lessons in the process of accidentally hurting people. There's a difference between intentional and accidental. Only you know exactly how you feel, so only you can judge whether it was intentional or accidental.

 

Most of us don't willingly hurt people. For the most part, it's accidental. If, at the end of the day, you still feel guilty about it, use it as inspiration. Ensure that the next time a man DOES pursue you, you allow him to knowing that you won't make the same mistake again. You want to be ready the next time it happens. If it becomes habitual, where you continually hurt men, there comes a point where it's questionable. However, if this is just the first time it's happened, it's really not a big deal. Learn from it, and move on. No need to send any apologies or anything like that. You had your closure when you told him you weren't interested anymore and as long as you were sincere about it, he'll accept that in time. Just focus on yourself so that, when the time comes, you'll be ready to let a man into your life.

 

Good luck.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

You shouldn't feel guilty from something that was caused by your ignorance. You seem to have been going through a difficult time in your life, considering you were going to therapy, and you weren't sure how you were going to feel. If you had known that he wasn't the right match for you, you probably wouldn't have let him pursue you. The only time you should feel guilty is when you willingly do something to hurt someone. Otherwise, you shouldn't feel guilty because you arguably didn't know any better.

 

You probably shouldn't have dated until you fixed yourself, but I think we're all guilty for going into dating/relationships when it's probably not a good idea. For the most part, we under-estimate our conditions, but sometimes we learn lessons in the process of accidentally hurting people. There's a difference between intentional and accidental. Only you know exactly how you feel, so only you can judge whether it was intentional or accidental.

 

Most of us don't willingly hurt people. For the most part, it's accidental. If, at the end of the day, you still feel guilty about it, use it as inspiration. Ensure that the next time a man DOES pursue you, you allow him to knowing that you won't make the same mistake again. You want to be ready the next time it happens. If it becomes habitual, where you continually hurt men, there comes a point where it's questionable. However, if this is just the first time it's happened, it's really not a big deal. Learn from it, and move on. No need to send any apologies or anything like that. You had your closure when you told him you weren't interested anymore and as long as you were sincere about it, he'll accept that in time. Just focus on yourself so that, when the time comes, you'll be ready to let a man into your life.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you that was a lovely thing to say.

 

I didn't mean to hurt someone. When you have been single for a long, long time. You basically have the experience of someone who is still a teen in a lot of ways. You've forgotten somethings or you don't know any better. And you're right, I didn't do it purposely. I just freaked out that someone wanted to get close. It felt invasive. I had to get counselling and so I did. I have had more guys interested in me since. They haven't bee the right match but this is all learning. Life is an exam, and luckily we aren't getting graded. I only hope for his sake he finds someone who sees the things in him I was too blind and too hurt to see.

[TheyCallMeOx]

I was taught the "golden rule" a long time ago, which is "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." To me, that basically sums up how to be a good relationship partner. If you wouldn't want your partner cheating on you, then you don't want to cheat on your partner. If you don't want your partner to lie, you don't lie. If you don't want your partner to hit you, you don't hit them. Give and take. You both make compromises. Sometimes you can make sacrifices for each other. There's gotta be a balance. If you know how to be a good person, you know how to be a good relationship partner. That's basic knowledge, and doesn't require a lot of experience.

 

The problem with comparing teenagers to people who have been single for a long time is that teenagers usually have different expectations in a partner. They are at a different mature level. Back when I was in high school, I just wanted a chick with the finest ass. I wanted to kiss, hold hands, and her give me a blowjob while I'm playing video games. I guess that's why I was single all throughout high school. Now that I'm older, I've observed things. I haven't had a ton of experience with relationships, but I know enough to know that a chick with the finest ass isn't always the best woman, blowjobs aren't all that great, and there's more to expression than kissing and holding hands. With experience, you learn what you want in a relationship, what you don't want in a relationship, and all you're really doing is changing your perspective on what you find most important. For instance, I hardly ever cooked in my previous relationship; mostly because I didn't know how, and I was too lazy. But since I've been in a relationship where she didn't like my laziness, I learned that I should probably learn how to cook some, and do it more often.

 

Most of the things we learn from relationships can be learned being a human being. A person should learn how to cook, and to not be lazy. It's just that...with relationships, we tend to be influenced the most by bad experiences such as breakups. We can learn how to be good relationship partners by ourselves. So many people get the impression that just because they're not the opposite gender, they're never going to understand them. That's not true. If I wanted to learn about women, I can read a lot of books, talk to a lot of women my age, and figure out a pattern to specific circumstances. I know a lot about women. If a woman does something, I'm going to understand why she may have done it. Again, it's all about being a human being. Men and women aren't that much different than each other; you don't need to be raised by women to learn about them. A lot of the questions we ask "why would he/she do this," can be reciprocated back to us. Well, why would I do that? We're not that much different.

 

So while I do understand that you can be rusty getting back into relationships after being single for so long, I don't think it's really that bad. You probably won't do this, but I wouldn't want you getting in the habit of blaming your mistakes because of the length of being single. If you can't interact with a mate, that may be more of a social issue, or maybe psychological (or maybe both?!?!) rather than...oh, I was single for X amount of years. Because I can be single and learn to interact with people. I can let people get close to me, to care about me, without being in a relationship. I can find women to kiss and hold hands while being single; I've done it before.

 

I'm glad you're going to counseling and everything, but I just wanted to make sure you understand that just because you've been single for a long time, doesn't mean you have to absolutely suck at being a good girlfriend. As long as you're a good person, then you can have a good relationship. I actually have learned more about relationships as a single man, than I have when in a relationship. In a relationship, I don't learn anything because I don't take the time to pause and reflect. Being single, I have more time to do so.

[Diezel]

If you apologize to him, you'd be apologizing for the wrong reasons.

 

You are trying to apologize for YOU, not for him, because of how YOU feel when he decided he didn't want even 1% of being in your life. Rightfully so, he's deleted you.

 

He took his steps to move on, so leave it alone. The last thing you want to do is contact him.

 

The best possible solution is to leave him alone and for you to learn from this experience. Be accountable for your own actions to yourself. You don't need "closure" by apologizing to him.

[gaius]

You sure that guilt isn't your body telling you that you enjoyed his attention on some level and maybe miss it a little bit? Trying to get you to engage with him again?

 

If you really want to do what's best for him I'd either sex him or leave him alone entirely. He can't handle the rejection and any non-sexual contact will just remind him of it.

[Dork Vader]

Don't contact him. Just let him move on with his life and you should move on with yours.

 

 

If you contact him and say sorry there is no telling what kind of response you will get.

 

 

You'll likely be scratching at the surface of any pain he might have.

He could be some what angry and tell you a bunch of hurtful things.

He might accept the apology and think he has a chance. That will put him through the exact same pains again.

 

 

It's odd that you feel guilty for not liking him. Why would you feel guilty about that? There is no reason too unless you took advantage of him. Either way move on with your life. Nothing good will come of the apology.