darna Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 I met a man on eHarmony in February. He is an awesome guy and we have the same goals in terms of marriage and kids when we first met in February 23. He is 31 and I am 35. We have established during the second week that we were dating exclusively. Three weeks into dating (March 11) his father was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. He was very depressed about it and he told me that he is afraid that he be might wasting my time since he does not know what his emotional state would be if indeed his father dies. I told him that I am not going anywhere and I will be there when he needs me. During that period, he still made time for me at least once or twice a week. We are both engineers with very demanding jobs. His father eventually passed away in May 25, two months after his diagnosis. I should mention that he has a very close relationship with his father. Since July, we have been spending time together at least two or three times a week. Some weeks almost everyday. One time he introduced me as a girlfriend but another time he did not. So I asked him about it and he said I deserve to be a girlfriend but he does not want a girlfriend right now. He also said that he is greedy because he does not want to lose me and he thinks I am awesome. I asked him to define our relationship and he said that we are dating exclusively. I have not met any of his friends or any members of his family. He did bring me to his company picnic and introduced me by my name. He has met most of my friends. It is very difficult for me to decide if I should leave now or wait this out. He treats me well, brings me flowers, and always calls when he says he will. He has not been flaky in our entire seven months of being together. He takes me out to dinner and sometimes I cook for him. Every time we hang out we always have sleepovers but not always having sex. So somehow I feel that he is not using me for sex. Is his emotional unavailability due to his grieving process or due to the proverbial he's just not that into me? What should I do???
mightycpa Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 How does a man date a girl exclusively, but not have a girlfriend? How does that work?
BluEyeL Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 How does a man date a girl exclusively, but not have a girlfriend? How does that work? It means he doesn't see a long term future with her.
OwMyEyeball Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 To what extent have the two of you spoken about his father's passing? Can you relate to his experience and help him through his? That seems like a very significant event for him that could leave him feeling a bit rudderless right now.
OwMyEyeball Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 It means he doesn't see a long term future with her. At present. Maybe he's a bit confused of what his future even entails given the fairly recent passing of his father, to whom he was very close.
Author darna Posted September 13, 2014 Author Posted September 13, 2014 We talked about it a lot. He said that losing the most important relationship in his life discouraged him from pursuing a serious relationship. He said he does not want to be heartbroken if the other person dies. He even mentioned that if he had a choice he prefers to die before me. I have not really lost anyone close to me so I cannot say that I can fully empathize with him. But I have always been there for him. Honestly, I am willing to wait it out for him. I think he is worth it. It's just that there is a possibility that I am blind and maybe to you outsiders it is obvious that I should go.
OwMyEyeball Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 I believe that it is this level of intimacy and dedication that builds lasting relationships. It's not how great the good times are so much as it is how much you're there for each other during the bad times. Fear of abandonment is quite normal. Although his father obviously didn't "abandon" him, he did lose a source of guidance and purpose in his life. That he sees you as someone he fears losing could be seen as much as a sign of endearment than anything else. You want to stick by him and he's not pushing you away. Give it time.
mightycpa Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 He said that losing the most important relationship in his life discouraged him from pursuing a serious relationship. He said he does not want to be heartbroken if the other person dies. Am I the only one to think that this is ridiculous? When people in our lives die, it is usually the loved ones that remain who best sustain us. We tend to appreciate them more, and we are reminded that we don't know what tomorrow brings. Everybody leaves us, whether by choice or by death. Does that mean we shut everybody out to avoid pain? That said, I guess we all process death in our own way. But I think it is an instructive comment that he's made. It gives us an insight into who he is. I still wonder about the whole "you can't see other people, but you're not my girlfriend" comment. Maybe it's the grief talking, but those terms make it sound like a race to the finish line. 3
Author darna Posted September 13, 2014 Author Posted September 13, 2014 I believe that it is this level of intimacy and dedication that builds lasting relationships. It's not how great the good times are so much as it is how much you're there for each other during the bad times. Fear of abandonment is quite normal. Although his father obviously didn't "abandon" him, he did lose a source of guidance and purpose in his life. That he sees you as someone he fears losing could be seen as much as a sign of endearment than anything else. You want to stick by him and he's not pushing you away. Give it time. Thank you for the encouragement!!! I am trying to be strong but sometimes I cannot help but be selfish
Author darna Posted September 13, 2014 Author Posted September 13, 2014 I still wonder about the whole "you can't see other people, but you're not my girlfriend" comment. Maybe it's the grief talking, but those terms make it sound like a race to the finish line. What does race to the finish line mean?
mightycpa Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 What does race to the finish line mean? The finish line is the end of the relationship. The only question is which one of you gets there first. This is the classic "getting the milk for free". In effect, he has slowed down the progress of the relationship with labels, while proceeding full speed ahead on the behavior. So, when you get to the point where you're thinking "put up or shut up", he's like "well, we're not even boyfriend and girlfriend yet, we're just dating". It strikes me as a tactic to have the girlfriend but create the not-so-subtle expectation that you're not committed. If it was me, and the sexes were reversed, I would merely insist on a change in terms: Strike exclusive and substitute non-exclusive. Then, everything makes more sense. The label is consistent with the relationship. OwMyEyeball is right.
preraph Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 The whole girlfriend/boyfriend title has always baffled me and means different things to different people. To me, if I sleep with a guy, presto, he's a boyfriend. I'm a girlfriend. Why? Because I don't sleep with guys I consider "just a friend," that's why. But many men find the term "girlfriend" to be almost like "fiancee," and others simply don't want you claiming them because they're dating a bunch of women. They don't want someone telling their other girlfriend they've already got a girlfriend. Nothing makes me madder than a man who just f'd me telling me I'm a friend. A friend, I give a ride to the airport, moron! This guy sounds okay, though I do have trouble wrapping my head around why he is so derailed by his father's death, but they must have been very close. It sounds like he feels he is too confused and not fully functioning to the point he doesn't want to take on any more "obligations," and I mean that in the nicest possible way. I assume he's having maybe to deal with some estate things and family things, and that is such a stressful time. Understand that some men are very compartmentalized and can't give their full attention to more than one thing at a time. He doesn't feel this is the right time to sit himself down and concentrate on what he's doing with you and what he's going going forward. He's just trying to get through work and mourning and everything right now without any further pressure. I think it's still too early to demand commitment. He's given you exclusivity, monogamy. Please just sit back and enjoy that and see if he doesn't come around in a few months. I think to him, girlfriend means a real commitment. That's not a bad thing. He also probably doesn't want to announce you to his family right after a death. It's not a sensitive thing to do. Aunt Myrtle might have something harsh to say about it, like he was partying it up while his dad was ill and died.
Author darna Posted September 13, 2014 Author Posted September 13, 2014 OwMyEyeball is right. Thanks for the clarification! So you agree that I should give it more time?
mightycpa Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 Thanks for the clarification! So you agree that I should give it more time? Oops, sorry, I made a mistake. I actually think BluEyL is right: It means he doesn't see a long term future with her. I might give it a little time due to the death of his father, but I'd pay a lot of attention to the pulling away vs. the cleaving closer. You know the guy. I don't.
BluEyeL Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 Am I the only one to think that this is ridiculous? When people in our lives die, it is usually the loved ones that remain who best sustain us. We tend to appreciate them more, and we are reminded that we don't know what tomorrow brings. Everybody leaves us, whether by choice or by death. . No, I also had the same thought when reading that. I would give him a coule more months to be sure and then say that you're looking for a committed serious relationship and you understand he's not able to so you'll have to go find someone who wants the same things as you. If he loves you, he'll give you what you want. If not, he'll know he's luck of dating you free of responsibility is over and he'll let you walk.
Author darna Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 Thank you everyone for giving me your insight! It's good to know different perspective. I really appreciate all your feedback! It seems that the consensus is to give it more time.
Mascara Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 I'm also of the camp of "if you're exclusive, he's your boyfriend". Otherwise, what on earth changes when he decides to say "ok I'll call you my girlfriend"? It doesn't require any further commitment than he's already given. As far as I'm concerned the stages of a relationship are - Dating - you're romantically interested but keeping your options open Boyfriend / girlfriend - you're dating and have decided to be exclusive Fiancé / fiancée - you've decided to get married Husband / wife - you're married and have committed your lives to each other .... being exclusive and NOT being boyfriend/girlfriend makes no sense. It doesn't require any further commitment than exclusivity, so what is he afraid of?
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