For as long as I can remember...(Updated)

[Apaige]

I can't take it anymore.... I'm so over this stuff!! I have been with the same guy for 2 years exclusively! We broke up because of my insecurities ( due in part from infidelities on my ex husbands part). He tells me that I am the most amazing woman that he's ever met. We have tremendous chemistry, in and out of the bedroom. We laugh all of the time when we are together. But we argue all if the time when we are apart! I just don't get it.

 

I almost feel as if, he wants me when he wants me, and that's it...he ends things with me as if it's just a normal thing to do. I cry endlessly, get myself so upset that I cannot eat, can't think straight, and I am just down right miserable. I love him so so much, but we just can't make it work...and it upsets me that this happens at least once ever 3-4 months. Yes, I am insecure, but I'm working on this. I've been working with a therapist, and I see my flaws, and my mistakes! But what I don't get; is why does he keep coming back. I tried the NC thing, but I am so miserable without him. I handled my divorce so much better than this relationship, and my divorce was brutal. What I can't figure out is, if he makes me so miserable, why do I take him back???

 

He seems so secretive anymore...if he has the chance, he'd hang with friends over me. He hasn't been to my house in a while, he lied to me about a phone text, he blocked me on favebook( which I get it, it's juvenile , but why us he hiding on FB? I just need to know how to get past this. It's so not like me!! I don't understand my ever longing desire to have to be with him... Ugh!! So tired of this game!!! I'm 41 years old, too old to keep doing this, but I can't stop wanting to be with him.

[Ordinaryday]

here's the thing:

 

people often talk crap and say things they don't really believe to avoid arguments, be polite, placate another person, ease their guilt, etc. that's why you should judge a person more by their actions than their sweet words.

 

I once got dumped by a girl and she told me something like "you are a wonderful amazing, funny, sweet, caring guy and any girl would be lucky to have you! you would make such an amazing boyfriend for any girl, so keep your chin up cos you will find a new girl in no time!"

 

only a few hours later did I realise she was basically talking crap because if she truly believed ANY girl would be "lucky" to have me, then SHE WOULDNT BE DUMPING ME! Her actions didnt match her words, I realised that she felt guilty about hurting me and by giving me a line about what a great guy I am she felt less guilty about breaking my heart.

 

there is a cliche which goes "actions speak louder than words" but dont forget.... something only because a cliche because there is some truth to it!

[AltiumV]

yeah one of my ex's told me that they love me as they were hoping in the car to pursue another guy she has known for 2 weeks. words mean absolutely nothing don't bother over-thinking or trying to register words.

[FailedFirstLove]

Similar thing happened to me. But dumps me like a piece of sh*t when he can't "handle it". but happens about every 6-8 months. No dignity me can never move on. Miserable without him. yup. Same deal. Constantly trying to talk to him. Hoping he would "cool" down. And slapped in the face over and over.

 

Do u sound pathetic to you? ... It is so pathetic! and I just can't stop. But every normal person would tell us to stop being a doormat. I've heard multiple times that we must stop and gain out dignity back. Otherwise this crazy cycle will only

Continue. I'm going to try my best! And I know you can too

[Apaige]

It's only day two of NC, it's horrible! I hate this. My emotions are all over the place. Can't eat, can't focus, can't sleep!! I don't want to do anything!! The only thing that I can do is cry!! How is it that he doesn't feel like this? Why is it that he doesn't care? I start something and cannot finish it. Every song on the radio makes me cry!! Why won't he just call, or text? I sit here and hope that today is the day that he realizes that he made the biggest mistake of his life!! Why can't he just see that my reasons are valid? Why can't he just see that my insecurities are valid? It's not all because of my ex husbands infidelities, that they are from him too. Why can't I ask him without accusing him?

[HurtingGirl]

Apaige, I understand you are hurting. I recently went through a break up and i wish I would have kept the NC rule but I didn't. I found out he was with someone new in no time after our split and he made me feel guilty for his leaving me. You have to hang in there. It hurts at first but not contacting him and moving on is the easiest way. If i did not know these things i would not be as upset as i am. I am not eating either and its been six weeks. ive lost 14lbs. I don't want you to give in. If it was meant to be things can be fixed down the road but there is too much damage from what has happened already. Heal yourself, exercise, change things. You have to stay no contact. He may make you feel guilty like my ex did and I did nothing wrong, I was not the one who left. Don't give in. It's hard but not knowing what he is doing is the best thing. please learn from my experience.

[me85]

Thing is, when my ex and I contacted each other we never discussed our RS. The love yous and miss yous occurred from time to time. But it was mostly just everyday BS and flirty. However, over the last month he has slacked way off from emailing me. For some stupid reason that is bothering me when it shouldn't (as many times as I've asked him not to contact me.)

[Apaige]

Two years of my life down the drain!!! Two whole years of falling madly and deeply in love to only have it go out the window. Two years I falling in love with his little boy to only have me shut off from him...two years of my precious time, time that I won't ever get back. Not to mention, my son is so completely confused at this point!! Ugh! What a mess!! I am an absolute mess!! Need some positive vibes, some inspirational stories...a time frame to which I will endure this pain would be ideal right about now. Ive been told by my therapist that I only see black and white, and this is so true!!

[evanescentworld]

If you see the past 2 years as a total waste of time, then (I'm sorry to sound harsh, but) you have learnt nothing.

 

Seek the benefit of your experience; understand, acknowledge and accept the fundamental Truth - that everything that surrounds you, touches you, affects you, influences you, nurtures you, amuses you, loves you, irritates you, upsets you, angers you, tires you, invigorates you and propels you: It's all Impermanent.

There is nothing you think, see, say, hear, feel, taste and do, which will last for ever. It's all transitory, all ephemeral, all evanescent.

 

This said then, it is surely better to consider what you have experienced, in a good, positive, nurturing way, as a lesson of life to be appreciated and processed as something with colour, not just in B&W.

 

Treat your son with Loving Kindness and Compassion. Give comfort, but in a positive way. Help your son to see that Life brings lessons of Impermanence with everything. It's just a question of gleaning the fruitful, and accepting the occasional bitter taste it can leave.

Some medicines are like that: Abhorrent to the palate. But they heal us and do us good, anyway....

[Apaige]

If you see the past 2 years as a total waste of time, then (I'm sorry to sound harsh, but) you have learnt nothing.

 

Seek the benefit of your experience; understand, acknowledge and accept the fundamental Truth - that everything that surrounds you, touches you, affects you, influences you, nurtures you, amuses you, loves you, irritates you, upsets you, angers you, tires you, invigorates you and propels you: It's all Impermanent.

There is nothing you think, see, say, hear, feel, taste and do, which will last for ever. It's all transitory, all ephemeral, all evanescent.

 

This said then, it is surely better to consider what you have experienced, in a good, positive, nurturing way, as a lesson of life to be appreciated and processed as something with colour, not just in B&W.

 

Treat your son with Loving Kindness and Compassion. Give comfort, but in a positive way. Help your son to see that Life brings lessons of Impermanence with everything. It's just a question of gleaning the fruitful, and accepting the occasional bitter taste it can leave.

Some medicines are like that: Abhorrent to the palate. But they heal us and do us good, anyway....

 

Wow!! I am at a loss for words...what you said is so true, and sometimes, we just forget! Thank you for the bottom of my heart!

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I always put myself outside looking in. Because of it, I don't get emotionally attached without understanding the other. Many peeps think they understand when for the most part their desires and wants seem to be running the show. Ignoring what really is the problem that will eventually end or never start a meaningful relationship. Sure it takes time to find someone that you deeply trust. But if you look at all the relationships peeps go through to find that right person; Would you ponder the notion of rather spending time truly finding what you want, or spend your time dealing with what you don't want. Many sadly go about not seeing or denying issues whether or not it is theirs from past relationships or just core traits that make the person who they are.

 

To you this may not be much of anything, but it is a start to open path to your inner self. Now I will give some advice, a wee diff than other topics I have shared with.

 

Because I am diff, take dating and relationships differently than most. So what was comfy for me and my mate may be odd or not so comfy for you.

 

We found each other by stumbling randomly on the Internet, and when we noticed that we had more than just random sharing of thoughts in humor, we contacted via IM. For a year we considered each other online friends. I allowed her to see me as I was and because she portrayed herself to be in her early 20's and kept herself private. I felt safe by being private as well, and at ease that she had a strong head and had no interests. So that allowed for deeper talk about things, in general. As we both got to know each other, I noticed a quality about her, and even brought it up a few random times, about her being wiser, stronger, and more in tune to life in general for such a young woman. It was very refreshing, and it was something I never saw in my early years that made me feel like only if younger women were that way.

 

So the moral of the lengthy first part is... define yourself, by finding what is true to your heart, not what you expect to comfort or excite it. Know your boundaries, be strong even if you may think it is a turn off. Never give in to get what you need. As once you have your needs be met, all your wants and desires will be met as well.

 

Now for the wee shorter 2nd half. Since we defined ourselves out in the open, naked, without fears of loosing anything. We found delight in diving into our deepest thoughts, passions and what we wanted in life. We also got to see each others needs, and desires as well. Our relationship jumped right into being apart of each other. I told her that I loved her and it was not because I felt we'd find a way to be with each other. It was that what I found in her was everything I ever imagined and more. I was truthful to say that were ever you are in your lifetime, you'll be with me like no other, because nobody else I ever known understood me and see's me like you do. She told me she loved me as well and felt the same.

 

Now what I did not explain, and may have been overlooked by lack of detail. Everything from beginning to end of both parts, was shared equally and with understanding and acceptance. We accepted each other as individuals, then friends, and lastly deeply passionate lovers. We gave up our fears, for trust, and worked each issue that made us stumble together. As it seems most rely on the other to fix that on their own. Even my mate would try on her own until one day, she came out in the open and told me her dark secret. She was married and older. Not once our relationship demanded knowing any further than who we are, not what peeps see.

 

So, to finalize... Trust must be strong enough for all boundaries to be resolved. Since this could have been seen as misdirection in her part, in reality I knew her enough to know once she fell in love, to tell such a thing would have been greatly misunderstood. I took it as an ultimate showing of how much she loves and trusts me. She still is a wee leery of it, but it will pass.

 

To sum up in an unexpected way... Each progression in your relationship should be as if you both are walking up the rainbow not a side of a mountain. A bit mystical, magical, frighteningly delightful and each day seems like a minute, each month like a day. Time seems limitless yet you feel there is never enough time.

 

PS... my mate is a real hot head, only once has she shown it in the 3+ years of knowing her. With the right person, who listens to you and shares love equally, you should never have heated arguments. Ours was just a flair up in her part, which was quickly resolved. Since we are in an LDR, I could not comfort her in my arms, only in my words. You and your mate must be in tune to each others emotions 50/50, else there will be troubles with understandings.

Edited September 10, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[Apaige]

For as long as I can remember, I've just wanted to be happy, a wife, and a mother. I was happy, I was a wife, and I am a mother ( thank goodness for that) I was married, and took that oath with every ounce of pride, loyalty, and excitement. It all ended almost 2.5 years ago. I was a good wife, loved cooking, cleaning, and doting over my husband!! And then the bombshell!! And now I'm lost!! I'm not saying that I need to be married to feel fulfillment, but my gosh, I miss the intimacy, the whole unit. I know that I am better off, and some days I feel great, and other days I just feel like plain crap!! I know that I will find love again, but I am having such a hard time losing my unit!! Any good suggestions on a good book?

[evanescentworld]

"The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche.

Read it, and your life will never be the same again.

[J2911]

I'm so sorry you are still in pain .

I know it's hard. Do you know how many guys out there dream of finding a " wife " like the description of the wife you typed of being ??????

You will one day have the perfect husband as you wish to have . Hang in there. I'm glad I read this today to know girls that are loyal and good exist still.

[Apaige]

I'm so sorry you are still in pain .

I know it's hard. Do you know how many guys out there dream of finding a " wife " like the description of the wife you typed of being ??????

You will one day have the perfect husband as you wish to have . Hang in there. I'm glad I read this today to know girls that are loyal and good exist still.

 

Thank you so much for your positive thoughts. There are all kinds of goo woman out there, just stinks that the good guys never see us...only the jaded do, and they are the ones that never remain loyal!! : (

[Robert]

Thread closed, there is another just started by the thread starter in second chances.

 

Thanks

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/493707-i-ve-done-everything-i-can-he-still-doesn-t-care-like-he-used