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I'm not sure I want to pursue this relationship, how do I end it?

Eddy Street

By Eddy Street
in General Relationship Discussion

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Eddy Street Established Member

Eddy Street

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So I met this girl on match. She made it very clear from the get-go that she was looking for a friendship with the possibility of that friendship eventually turning into something more. This is why I decided to talk to her, because I have very little experience with dating and I wanted to do it in a relatively stress-free context. Well, two dates later and she's already flirting with me and when I don't reciprocate, she gets worried that I'm not interested in her. I personally think this is going too fast. I'm not even sure, after two small dates, whether I even have enough in common with her to be her friend, let alone a potential partner for many years. I'm a bit scared of the commitment and even more so of hurting her.

 

This is the same girl who lives with her ex-boyfriend (who is now her best-friend) and her brother who I mentioned in another thread. Yesterday, I was supposed to take the train to her neighborhood and meet her roommates, cook with them and play video games. But, I couldn't imagine myself doing any of those things, especially in the presence of her ex, so I made an excuse for being late and then asked her if she wanted to hang out in the city instead. When she said that she didn't want to hang out in the city, I cancelling the meetup entirely. I told her that I didn't think I'd be able to make a good first impression given that I was extremely tired. She got upset and said that she felt extremely stupid because she committed herself to this relationship when I didn't even show any romantic interest in her. I thought, romantic? I thought she was looking for a friendship. Anyway, after that comment I told her the truth: that I didn't want to meet her ex for obvious reasons until MUCH later and apologized saying that if she didn't want to waste her time with me anymore, I understood. That didn't work, she called me and... here was my chance to end it once and for all but I played along and told her that I did find her attractive and thought of her as a potential romantic partner. During this call, she said one of the reasons she wanted me to come down there was because her ex also has a new love interest and he brought her over. She wanted to bring me over to get back at him, basically. For some reason this didn't register with me the moment I took the information in, and we made plans to meet today. :sick:

 

This is just happening too fast for my comfort. Besides, I'm not ready for a relationship, I have zero experience. I wanted to meet lots of women and chose the one who matched my personality best, and it takes time, lots of time to figure that stuff out. I did not want to settle for the first one who replied. But I don't want to hurt her feelings either.

 

So what do I do?

Edited by Eddy Street
central Established Member

central

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Just tell her it's not going to work, and stop contact.

 

 

Then, date as many women as possible for very short times, to get some experience with basic dating and conversation skills, and to get a sense of what you're looking for. Ideally, you will eventually want someone with very similar values and goals, beliefs and attitudes, at least some significant shared interests, who also excites you in physical attraction, and has similar levels of sexual desire (libido) and range of sexual activities.

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Eddy Street Established Member

Eddy Street

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Just tell her it's not going to work, and stop contact.

 

Yeah, but she seems really sensitive. That would probably hurt her.

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

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Yeah, but she seems really sensitive. That would probably hurt her.

And you're thinking/hoping/believing/expecting that if you leave it longer she's going to grow less sensitive and then in a month or year it's gonna hurt her less?

 

Or. Are you planning to sacrifice the rest of your life, marry this one and then that'll be it "till death you do part"???

 

Cos...those are the options you're leaving yourself if you don't just end it now.

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Million.to.1 Established Member

Million.to.1

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You can't worry about hurting her... If you are honest and respectful with what you say, then you are not really hurting her.

You've done nothing wrong. if she reacts badly it's really not your problem.

 

It's unhealthy and rude for her to use you to make her ex jealous. Very immature. She is pressuring you beyond your comfort zone and that's not cool at all.

 

You are totally on point and your reasons for wanting out of this are totally legitimate.

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Eddy Street Established Member

Eddy Street

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It's true, I will send her a simple text saying good bye. Today when we hung out I deflected her flirting and didn't talk much, she didn't even try to hug me when we said our good byes. Success, hopefully. Tomorrow I will send the text.

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Eddy Street Established Member

Eddy Street

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Or should I just let silence do the task?

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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Sending a text or going silent is the wimps way out.

 

Just tell her (via phone call if you can't cope with meeting up) that you don't feel the same way about her and that you feel it would be better if you both dated other people. Leave it at that and no contact. It doesn't need to be emotional and it doesn't need to go badly.

 

If you are OLD you are going to meet people you like and don't like you, people who like you and you don't like, you will meet people that you can't stand from the start and sometimes you meet someone you click with. That is kinda the point of it. To meet people and find out what you do and don't like.

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Eddy Street Established Member

Eddy Street

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Sending a text or going silent is the wimps way out.

 

Just tell her (via phone call if you can't cope with meeting up) that you don't feel the same way about her and that you feel it would be better if you both dated other people. Leave it at that and no contact. It doesn't need to be emotional and it doesn't need to go badly.

 

If you are OLD you are going to meet people you like and don't like you, people who like you and you don't like, you will meet people that you can't stand from the start and sometimes you meet someone you click with. That is kinda the point of it. To meet people and find out what you do and don't like.

 

I texted her, as if nothing happened, asking about her day. Then she called. She said that she felt there wasn't a spark between us... so I told her the truth.

 

I told her basically that my other experience with dating was too hurtful and that I wanted to take it really slow this time around to avoid 1) disappointment and 2) hurting her or the other way around. She often cited our mutual interest in art and I said that when you really think about it, sharing an interest in art is like sharing an interest in food or fun, or like sharing a birth day. She kind of giggled at that. I told her that it's not enough to say that we have enough in common to commit on that deep, exclusive bond. I said that I wanted to wait at least a few months, so that I really knew her well, before I let it become serious. She seemed totally fine with it. This I found interesting, since from the way she acted around me and her previous phone calls when I hinted at my lack of interest in her, I thought she would be utterly heart broken, but she actually giggled when I tried to describe my previous relationship and how I was deeply hurt by a girl. She giggled as if she was laughing AT me lol.

 

Well, I told her I wanted to be friends and that I didn't want her to totally close the door on the possibility of this becoming romantic somewhere down the line, to which she said she wouldn't close any doors to anything, but she wouldn't wait either. She added that she wouldn't expect that of me either. Basically, that she was okay with us seeing other people.

 

We made some plans to hang out as friends but I could tell she really wasn't interested in me as a friend. Her words were saying "yeah, we should totally hang out" but her tone was saying "F*** off"

 

Makes me wonder, what the heck was she after? Did she just want sex?

Edited by Eddy Street
Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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Be like, "You said you wanted friendship first. I was on the same page with that. Now you seem to have bigger expectations that don't really match what I'm looking for right now. If anything romantic is going to happen I'd need to ease into it slowly."

 

Also, she basically told you she wanted to use you as a pawn to make her ex-BF jealous. Did you really have no reaction to that? That's not fair of her to ask or expect from you. You have a right to tell her it's not appreciated. And to stand your ground on not wanting to meet this dude for a long while.

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Eddy Street Established Member

Eddy Street

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Be like, "You said you wanted friendship first. I was on the same page with that. Now you seem to have bigger expectations that don't really match what I'm looking for right now. If anything romantic is going to happen I'd need to ease into it slowly."

 

Also, she basically told you she wanted to use you as a pawn to make her ex-BF jealous. Did you really have no reaction to that? That's not fair of her to ask or expect from you. You have a right to tell her it's not appreciated. And to stand your ground on not wanting to meet this dude for a long while.

 

Come to think of it, she's just a really bad girl isn't she? Phew!

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