Why am I never the girl the guy wants to invest in or prioritize?

[CdnPRGirl]

I've had a lot of "false start" relationships over the last few years that have really left me feeling like I'm the girl that no guy will ever want to invest in/commit to/make a priority (ok that might be a bit melodramatic, but you get the idea).

 

I'm wondering if anyone else feels the same way or has had similar experiences. I can't help wondering if it's just bad luck or if there's something about me or something I'm doing that's causing me to attract the wrong type of guys.

 

It just seems like I'm stuck in the same pattern where the guy is super eager/excited to get to know me at the beginning (in one case practically stalking my friend at work to set up a date with me lol) but then within a couple months (or less) starts to withdraw and then eventually I get some version of "You're really amazing, but <insert a reason that follows along the lines of I'm not ready for a relationship, I'm too focused on work, I can't make a relationship a priority and that's not fair to you, etc>".

 

If I'm so damn amazing, why do they keep doing a 180 and heading for the hills before things even get off the ground?

 

Here's my most recent experience to give some context if it helps....

 

I met this guy about a month and half ago when I was out for drinks with a girlfriend one evening. He actually didn't live in my city at the time. He was in town looking for a place because he was moving to my city to go to Law school in a few weeks.

 

We hit it off right away and had a pretty intense weekend together. And in case your wondering if that's the issue, it's not usually my style to move that fast that soon. Quite out of the norm for me actually. Also he is younger than me (I'm 31 and he's 26), which is also out of the norm for me. Usually I go for guys older than me, but for some reason I threw caution to the wind on the age thing this time.

 

Anyways, we ended up keeping in contact in the three weeks before he moved to my city. In fact, we texted almost every day. It was great! In addition to our initial attraction/chemistry it turns out that we also have a lot in common, an easy rapport with each other, the same witty sense of humor, etc. Things looked like they were falling into place.

 

Then he finally moves to my city. The first weekend is great. We hang out and he even meets some of my friends - and loves them!

 

Then, it quickly starts unraveling. He starts mentioning how Law school is super intense, and he doesn't have a lot of free time, etc etc A LOT and I notice that I seem to be the one who is taking the lead in terms of making plans or initiating physical contact, etc (not that he isn't willing go along and seems very happy to do so).

 

It gets to the point where I start wondering whether it's just him settling into a big life change and not being a very forward type of guy in terms of physical romance or whether it's him trying to subtly tell me something about how he feels about us/the situation or maybe a combination of both.

 

At this point I wasn't at a place where I felt like we needed to put a label on things or anything. Basically, my mind set was that I was interested in making the effort to spend the time to get to know each other better and that if it started heading in the direction of a serious relationship I was very much open to that possibility.

 

However, his actions started to make me feel uncomfortable and got me wondering if we were on the same page. So, being the direct person that I am, I just brought it up. One night I just asked him flat out if what I was picking up on was just him settling into his new life or whether it was him subtly hinting that he wasn't interested at continuing to see where things were going with us. He assured me it was just him adjusting and figuring out how to balance Law school and life but that he still wanted to keep seeing me.

 

Then, fast forward to this past Weds when he dropped the bomb. Well to be honest I wasn't totally blind sided or anything but I was surprised it happened that night.

 

We ended up talking for an hour but it basically summed up to him telling me that he likes me and he can see it really going somewhere but that's the problem (wtf - in what universe is that a problem?) because Law school is his priority right now and he doesn't think he can balance that and the effort required for a relationship.

 

I understand that quitting your job, moving to a new city and using all your savings/taking out massive loans to go to Law school is overwhelming. And there is no denying that Law school is demanding and challenging. However, I still can't wrap my brain around his reasoning.

 

If I really liked someone and thought there was a future, it wouldn't be a problem that needed to be fixed or walk away from. I would be motivated/excited to try to balance it all and make it work.

 

On a related note, I'm a big believer in having your own life while in a relationship so it's not like I'm the type that would pressure him to spend every minute with me. Seeing someone a couple times a week suits me just fine.

 

So, needless to say, I'm just super disappointed that this happened AGAIN! When am I going to meet the guy who thinks I'm worth prioritizing?

 

He wants to be "friends" but I don't think I can do that when I want more. Either we'll blur the line to FWB and/or I'll just get stuck in a place where I'm holding out for him and don't move on. Which sucks, because it's not like I stopped liking him as a person and wanting spending time with him. In fact, the problem is that I do!

 

To be honest, I'm still at the place where I'm hoping on some level he'll call and confess that he's an idiot who made a huge mistake and wants to try again. Although logically, I know the odds of that happening are slim to none. And even if he did, it wouldn't be the same. I would probably have trouble trusting he wouldn't just bail again. Although, it would still be super satisfying to have him come crawling back!

 

The blessing in disguise is that I leave for a month long trip to Europe in a couple weeks. It'll be nice to get away, have fun and *hopefully* I'll have him out of my system by the time I get back.

 

Now all I have to do is keep busy enough in the next few weeks to not be tempted to do something stupid like contact him. So far I haven't really had the urge, but I'm sure the emotions will start going up and down soon enough and I'll be having moments of weakness.

[mightycpa]

Hi,

 

I'm going to make a couple of assumptions, and correct me if I'm wrong. You're pretty nice looking, not too tall or too short, not super skinny and not a fatty. You don't have any physical disabilities or tics or other obvious abnormalities. You live in a fairly clean place, drive a decent car, you dress well and you're pretty much drama-free. You don't put out like a whore, but you're not a total prude either. You have all of your natural teeth, and they are relatively white and straight. You bathe regularly, with soap. "Work" is not a strip club, escort service or brothel. In other words, there's nothing you're not telling us, right?

 

Because if all that is true, then it has to be either your personality or your approach. I can't work on your personality from here, so I'll guess about your approach instead. My guess would be that you try to get from meeting to relationship in almost record time. That's no good.

 

Have you ever tried to maybe date three men at a time, and keep them at arm's length? At the end of your first date, when he's ready to drop you off, that's when you thank him for the date and drop a hint that you'd like to go out again. I'd suggest something like this:

 

"Mightycpa, I had a really nice time tonight. I'd be up for doing something with you again, if you like. But I want to be up front with you too. Number one, I'm not into the whole texting thing. I think it would be great to hear from you but I'd really appreciate a call rather than a text. I know that's weird, but that's just me. The other thing is I'm seeing a couple other people kind of casually right now, so if you ask me out, and I say I can't, it doesn't mean that I don't want to. It just means that I already have plans. I would like to see you again, but I don't want you to get the wrong impression if your first suggestion doesn't work out."

 

Something like that. All of a sudden, you become one of two things in the man's eyes:

 

A) Not what he's looking for (some guys like to be the only one right away)

 

or

 

B) An obviously desirable, interested and confident young woman who he is unable to take for granted.

 

Also, all that texting has to go. Save the convo up for your dates. Don't be so available. And I would suggest that you actually do date a couple guys at a time, whatever you can manage. Pay every once in a while, and make sure to ask them out for the 4th date.

[mtnbiker3000]

I don't think you're alone in this dilemma. In fact, I think it is quite common. And, as a guy, I can relate. I feel the same way. I sometimes wonder why I have yet to find the one who will want to spend her life with me, start a family, etc... My ex started out with that mentality, but, like you have described, it changed and eventually she left. And the years tick on and I find myself in the same space as I have basically been in since I was a teenager.

 

I have, however, been able to correlate this with some of my own newly discovered issues. I'm trying to work through those and see if that changes the type of woman who I attract and how I handle relationships. It's all very confusing!!

 

My suggestion would be to dig into some self-help books and see if you recognize anything that you see in yourself. Chances are there will be some discoveries which may be of help to your situation.

[Purepony]

Stop putting your eggs in one basket.

Your ignoring red flags as well, if age was a factor why did you continue?

[CdnPRGirl]

Thanks for your insights mightycpa.

 

I think your assumptions are pretty much on the money. I'm not a supermodel, but I'm not unfortunate looking either lol. I'm an ambitious and fairly successful PR professional. To sum it up, I've built a pretty good, relatively drama free life for myself and have a great circle of friends. Overall, I'm pretty happy with life but I'm definitely at the place where I'd like to meet the right person to share it with. So, to answer your question, no I don't think there is anything obvious about me I have conveniently "forgotten" to mention.

 

I really hope my bad dating luck isn't a sign of an extremely off-putting personality trait. Although, I think one of my friends probably would have, gently, pointed it out by now if that was the case. I'm also a pretty self aware, reflective person. I'm definitely not perfect (far from it) and I have my own insecurities, etc just like anyone else, but I don't think it's anything out of the ordinary compared to other women.

 

So, by your deductions, I guess that leaves my approach to dating. Which could very well be the case. I mean I'm still single and posting on this forum so things haven't exactly being going smoothly in the dating department.

 

With that said, I'll try to be as honest as possible with my responses to your insights...

 

I wouldn't say it's entirely accurate that I try to go from meeting to relationship in almost record time. I'm not just casually dating around for the hell of it but I'm by no means planning the wedding on the 3rd date either.

 

However, I am actively dating with the mind set of meeting someone that I think has potential to turn into a more serious relationship. Because that's what I want and I am ready for at this point - a committed relationship (with the right person of course. I wouldn't get into a relationship just because I don't know how to be alone).

 

Do guys pick up on that? Probably? But is that a bad thing? I mean, if what's "scaring" them off is that they are just looking to casually date and have already closed the door to getting into anything serious from the beginning then they probably aren't the guy for me anyways.

 

So maybe I'm just weeding those non-committal guys out early on with my approach? Hence the string of shorter term relationships.

 

I think I'm looking for guy A in your scenario. The one who wants to be the only one right away.

 

I've thought about, and tried, dating more than one guy at a time. But I just don't think it's in my nature. I don't find it all that enjoyable. Especially going on dates with guys I have no chemistry with or interest in. And, to be honest, I've rarely been in the situation where I've really been interested in multiple guys at the same time.

 

Lastly, to address your comment about texting. Normally, I'm not someone who texts that much. It was only because he hadn't moved to the city yet that we ended up in that situation. We didn't really have the option of seeing each other in person the first few weeks.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do like the odd exchange of text message banter. But for the most part, I'm more likely to use it as a tool to schedule an actual in-person date.

 

I think there may be some truth to your comment about the level of my availability. In my younger years, I probably was the too available girl. However, in the past few years I have really worked on being conscious about keeping things balanced. If I've called/texted first a few times, then I'll do my best to stop and wait for him to initiate and so on. I do this more for me than anything else so that I don't invest too much too quickly and get destroyed when it doesn't work out.

 

With that said, I also suck at games like waiting 3 days before calling, etc, etc. Part of me thinks that when it's the right person, all the stuff should just flow and you shouldn't have to over think it. You just talk to the person/see the person when you want to and they do the same and when it's right, it just works.

 

I think it's only when one person isn't really interested or wants something different to begin with that all that stuff becomes a problem, no?

 

Anyways, it's nice to get a guys perspective on things. I'd love to know your thoughts on my responses.

[Elle1975]

We hit it off right away and had a pretty intense weekend together. And in case your wondering if that's the issue, it's not usually my style to move that fast that soon. Quite out of the norm for me actually.

 

My guess is that you go too fast, too intense, with those guys (and to do so you don't have to sleep with them). Maybe all of the sudden your life revolves around them, or it feels like it even if it isn't so. Could be that you don't let them breath, probably because they shower you with affection and you forget to keep some distance, etc..

 

For this specific guy, even if that's not your norm, he doesn't know that. All he knows is that he hit it. And beside, again, it burnt too hot, too fast - and he doesn't live close by, doesn't help.

[CdnPRGirl]

mtnbiker3000 - thanks for your post. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my dilemma. And, I agree, I definitely think it's important to continually grow and work on yourself. But it's also important to remember you don't need to be perfect to be lovable or find a successful relationship. If that was the case, everyone would be single.

 

It just seems finding a compatible match is easier for some people than others. I definitely know girls that have waaay more baggage and issues than I do and they've managed to find guys that adore and support them in spite of their flaws. Which, I must admit, is a bit frustrating when you feel like you have it pretty together but are struggling to find that person.

 

 

Purepony - I wasn't trying to ignore red flags. I just didn't want to count this guy out solely because I had a trivial hang up about how old he was. I actually did go into things with a pretty objective view. I knew that starting something with him when he was just moving to a new city to start a new life could be risky. But no risk, no reward! I'm not crushed or anything. Just a little sad and disappointed that it didn't work out and I have to start all over again.

 

Elle1975 - You're right, in this case, we did move pretty quickly. And you're also right that he wouldn't know that it isn't the norm for me to do that. With that said, I don't think it was a case of it burning too hot too and flame dying so to speak. I think that even if we had taken it slower, the outcome would have been the same. The issue seems to be that he has decided that 1st year Law school is incompatible with a relationship ever being able to get serious down the line, at any point. He isn't willing to explore that option, even if he likes a girl and sees potential. Oh, and he is living in my city now. He just moved here a few weeks ago.

[mightycpa]

I'd love to know your thoughts on my responses.

 

Well, first, it is nice to hear you have all of your natural teeth!

 

Briefly, I think dating multiple people is more efficient in the long run. Plus, you'll learn some things about people as you go along. But, if it makes you uncomfortable, then that could be counterproductive. The one place I think it really helped me is that it gave me perspective on my emotions towards somebody, and it helped me "date up" to find very nice and compatible people. I also learned a lot about keeping relationships healthy and open.

 

The next thing that strikes me is that you're looking for a relationship. Forgive me for saying so, but every time I hear that, it sounds like the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life. I've got female friends who say the same thing, and the pattern that I notice is that every guy just might be The One, and then, they're not, and it is usually the guys that make this clear. I always wonder how they find so many men that they are that attracted to. Then I begin to feel a little cynical about it. These are the phrases that jump out at me:

 

-- I am actively dating with the mind set of meeting someone that I think has potential to turn into a more serious relationship.

 

Don't a lot of people fit that bill when you meet them? This is the part where I got the moving too fast...

 

-- that's what I want and I am ready for at this point - a committed relationship (with the right person of course.

-- when you feel like you have it pretty together but are struggling to find that person

 

I'm not sure how to express what I feel when I read/hear those words. If I can do it will, I'll post again to clarify.

 

Personally, I'd be skeptical of the affections of a woman with that motive, thinking that some level of settling is involved that would come back and bite me in the ass. I doubt you say as much, but maybe you give off that vibe?

 

I'm glad that you suck at the games. Personally, I'm like that too, I'd much rather just click with someone organically. If I liked her, I'd let her know. If not, there wouldn't be a lot of confusion about that either.

 

My dating experience was quite different, opposite, in fact. I dated a whole lot, dated some for quite a while, but only got emotionally involved with a few; not because I wasn't open to it, but because I just didn't click in that way with that many people. My best experiences were when I wasn't looking for any kind of relationship at all, and my worst when I was trying to make something happen with somebody. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wasn't expecting to find love. I really liked most of them, and I did have relationships... just not LOVE relationships. That didn't always work out for the girls I dated, but it worked for me, and I was always up front about it.

 

The happier (more fulfilled, actually) that I got on my own, the more women I seemed to attract. This actually made me even happier, creating a vicious cycle of more women interested in me than I could date at one time. It was heaven, and I wasn't looking for any change.

 

Then I met somebody (when I was 31), and I soon stopped seeing the three other girls I was dating at the time. I never looked back. I don't think that happens to everybody, but that is my reality. Take it for what it is worth.

 

I note with some bit of irony that you're in PR. Maybe it's time to make a switch to sales?

Edited September 13, 2014 by mightycpa

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Has this been going on for years and years and years, or is it really and truly just a string of bad luck? I had a period when I felt exactly like you, and if you'd spoken to me at the time I would have said "why do men never love me waaaaaaaah" etc. But that entire time period wasn't even five months! Dating is such a complicated process already. When you consider that between 99% and 100% of your life's romantic relationships will end, it's not surprising that many of them will seem to fail for the same reasons. But before you get too down on yourself for not being The One, ask yourself honestly how many times this has happened. If it's fewer than five, there probably isn't any real issue at all. (I had three guys in a row tell me a similar thing and I was convinced I was a Total Life Failure.)

[mightycpa]

I just want to add one thing, thank you chimpA2Z. That is that I believe that there isn't just THE ONE. This is a big world we live in, and there are probably 1,000 THE ONES, or reasonably close facsimiles within 1000 miles of you. So much is dependent upon geography, your chances are greater in San Fran than Sioux Falls. But, we share a common culture, and many people share your values and your goals. I guess that's why I liked the parallel dating, and the efficiency of pushing people through the pipeline. We have only so much time on this earth, and if 99% of the people you date don't work out, then ... the rest seems quite obvious.

 

Sorry to eat up so much space with my thoughts. I'll let you gather other points of view.

[CdnPRGirl]

Mightycpa,

 

The next thing that strikes me is that you're looking for a relationship. Forgive me for saying so, but every time I hear that, it sounds like the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life. I've got female friends who say the same thing, and the pattern that I notice is that every guy just might be The One, and then, they're not, and it is usually the guys that make this clear. I always wonder how they find so many men that they are that attracted to. Then I begin to feel a little cynical about it.

 

The other ladies on the forum can feel free to correct me, but I think this might come down to a difference in the way each gender approaches/views dating. It's not that I have so many men I am attracted to. In fact, it's the opposite. I don't go on that many dates because I usually only go on dates with guys I am attracted to and think could have some long-term potential. It's not that every guy could be THE ONE, it's that I haven't ruled them out as not being THE ONE. If I've already ruled them out, then I'm probably not going to be on a date with them.

 

 

-- I am actively dating with the mind set of meeting someone that I think has potential to turn into a more serious relationship. Don't a lot of people fit that bill when you meet them? This is the part where I got the moving too fast...

 

I just mean that I am emotionally in a place where I would be open to things progressing into a serious relationship if I met someone I liked and it was going well. I feel like the guy I was seeing had already decided from day 1, maybe even before he met me, that dating (me or anyone else) wasn't ever going to be able to lead to a serious relationship because in his mind serious relationship = incompatible with his law school goals. Perhaps I just seem to attract emotionally unavailable men for some reason?

 

-- that's what I want and I am ready for at this point - a committed relationship (with the right person of course.

-- when you feel like you have it pretty together but are struggling to find that person

 

I'm not sure how to express what I feel when I read/hear those words. If I can do it will, I'll post again to clarify.

 

Personally, I'd be skeptical of the affections of a woman with that motive, thinking that some level of settling is involved that would come back and bite me in the ass. I doubt you say as much, but maybe you give off that vibe?.

 

I'm not sure where you get that there would be some level of settling involved. In fact, it's the opposite. Of course I want to meet someone to share my life with (who doesn't!), but I would rather be single than in the wrong relationship or in a relationship with someone I felt lukewarm about.

 

I have turned down several offers from guys over the last few years who were very into me but I just didn't feel that way about. It just seems like the ones I do feel that way about, don't feel that way about me! Murphy's law, I guess!

 

 

I'm glad that you suck at the games. Personally, I'm like that too, I'd much rather just click with someone organically. If I liked her, I'd let her know. If not, there wouldn't be a lot of confusion about that either.

 

Yes, exactly. When it's the right person I think it just clicks organically and you don't have to over analyze whether you're calling too much, being too forward about how you feel, etc. If someone feels strongly for you too, they won't be scared off by you being open about how you feel. Unless of course you are bordering on fatal attraction needy, which is a completely different story.

 

My dating experience was quite different, opposite, in fact. I dated a whole lot, dated some for quite a while, but only got emotionally involved with a few; not because I wasn't open to it, but because I just didn't click in that way with that many people.

 

I think this is where we differ. I'm not likely to go past 1 or 2 dates with someone I don't click with in that way. As a result, I don't date that often but I tend to get emotionally invested in the people I do date.

 

My best experiences were when I wasn't looking for any kind of relationship at all, and my worst when I was trying to make something happen with somebody. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wasn't expecting to find love.

Yes, I agree. In fact, the guy I just ended things with came along quite unexpectedly. I'm just not the type of person to date someone for the sake of dating if I don't have any interest in them in that way. I'd rather be single in that case. If I do happen meet someone I click with, I am in a place where I am emotionally available for it to actually go somewhere and I'm looking for someone who has an equally open mind set about dating.

 

 

I really liked most of them, and I did have relationships... just not LOVE relationships. That didn't always work out for the girls I dated, but it worked for me, and I was always up front about it.

 

I'm glad you were up front about it. Nothing wrong with playing the field as long as you're honest about it! I just hate the guys who are playing the field but lie to women and lead them into believing their intentions are to be serious/exclusive.

 

The happier (more fulfilled, actually) that I got on my own, the more women I seemed to attract. This actually made me even happier, creating a vicious cycle of more women interested in me than I could date at one time. It was heaven, and I wasn't looking for any change. Then I met somebody (when I was 31), and I soon stopped seeing the three other girls I was dating at the time. I never looked back. I don't think that happens to everybody, but that is my reality. Take it for what it is worth.

 

Yes, I agree again that if you are a confident, fulfilled and happy person you will become more attractive. However, it doesn't mean that you are going to be interested in all the people that are attracted to you. This seems to be the case with me. I do get offers, but it just never seems to work out with the ones I am interested in.

 

I note with some bit of irony that you're in PR. Maybe it's time to make a switch to sales? ]

 

Those who can't do teach?

Edited September 16, 2014 by CdnPRGirl

[mightycpa]

I'm not sure where you get that there would be some level of settling involved. In fact, it's the opposite. Of course I want to meet someone to share my life with (who doesn't!), but I would rather be single than in the wrong relationship or in a relationship with someone I felt lukewarm about.

 

I have turned down several offers from guys over the last few years who were very into me but I just didn't feel that way about. It just seems like the ones I do feel that way about, don't feel that way about me! Murphy's law, I guess!

 

Perhaps. I guess what I'm saying is that I would if the desire for a committed relationship, presumably leading to marriage, is more a function of desire for the relationship than desire for me.

 

Settling, in other words, is an evaluation that leads to a rational decision. Imagine that to you, I have all 30 must-have criteria, 0 dealbreakers and I also have 25 bonus characteristics, and only 10 negative but acceptable. Statistically, I'm off the charts! But the one thing left out of the equation? Passion. Passion vs. genuine affection, like vs. love... not unlike an arranged marriage... that you might decide, well, it will work because these are the important practical things I'm looking for; we're extremely compatible; maybe the passion will grow; it's worth a shot.

 

I'm not saying that's an unreasonable position to take, I would just be suspicious that a person "looking for a relationship" may have already made that decision, and I look like a viable candidate.

 

That's what I meant.

[CdnPRGirl]

chimpanA-2-chimpanZ & mightycpa - I also don't believe in the concept of "the one" or a single "soul mate". I think someone can be compatible with a number of different people and that any number of those people could turn out to be the person they end up with long-term given the right circumstances. It's a matter of finding the right person at the right time so to speak.

[CdnPRGirl]

mightycpa,

 

Perhaps. I guess what I'm saying is that I would if the desire for a committed relationship, presumably leading to marriage, is more a function of desire for the relationship than desire for me.

 

Settling, in other words, is an evaluation that leads to a rational decision. Imagine that to you, I have all 30 must-have criteria, 0 dealbreakers and I also have 25 bonus characteristics, and only 10 negative but acceptable. Statistically, I'm off the charts! But the one thing left out of the equation? Passion. Passion vs. genuine affection, like vs. love... not unlike an arranged marriage... that you might decide, well, it will work because these are the important practical things I'm looking for; we're extremely compatible; maybe the passion will grow; it's worth a shot.

 

I'm not saying that's an unreasonable position to take, I would just be suspicious that a person "looking for a relationship" may have already made that decision, and I look like a viable candidate.

 

That's what I meant.

 

Ahh, ok gotcha! Passion/chemistry isn't everything in a relationship but it's a necessary component. It's always one of my criteria and it's a deal breaker if it's not there. I've met the guy who had everything on the list but there was no chemistry and I just couldn't do it.

 

When I say "looking for a relationship", I just mean I don't want to waste my time dating a guy who is playing the field or has already decided early on (or at any point) that he doesn't see it going anywhere. Whether that reason is bad timing, no chemistry, whatever..

[Chi townD]

I don't think it's anything that you are doing or not doing. I think it would be wise just to spend time with yourself. Obviously, this isn't the first time this happened to you. Therefore, your self esteem takes a nose dive every time this happens.

 

 

Spend time with yourself. Make positive changes in your life. Learn to love yourself again. A lot of times, it's attitude. If you come across as needy and clinging and demanding; that's a turn off to men. But, most guys like a strong and independent woman. Then, when you find a guy, you don't give off the vibe as needing a man. You WANT a man, but you don't NEED a man. Big difference! Through your actions and your new found confidence, you pretty much tell him, "Look, I really don't need you. I don't need a man to fulfil my life. I'm here because I WANT to be here. I'm here because I want to share my life with you. But, I would be okay without you. I just enjoy being here with you and I enjoy our time together." BOOM! Pressure is off. A guy can relax and get to enjoy being with you without the pressure of it being something more until the time comes that it DOES become something. But, that far down the road.

 

 

Keep your chin up!

[SoleMate]

With the 26 year old, I think the unfortunate outcome was the result of you two wanting different things. You ARE looking for a longterm r/s, so I'd suggest not dating anyone who doesn't have a similar goal.

 

I wasn't trying to ignore red flags. I just didn't want to count this guy out solely because I had a trivial hang up about how old he was.

 

The age difference is not the primary issue....it's that you did nothing to "qualify" him as wanting a L/T r/s. Instead, you just dove in as if for a casual fling, based on chemistry, attraction, companionship. Those are all great things, but without the shared goal of finding the lifetime r/s, there's no reason to assume they'll lead to what you want.

 

Some men are ready for a L/T commitment at age 18, and they know it, and they act on it. Some aren't ready at age 50+. A key differentiator is that a man interested in L/T & lifetime will be willing and able to discuss it.

 

I've had a lot of "false start" relationships over the last few years that have really left me feeling like I'm the girl that no guy will ever want to invest in/commit to/make a priority....

The startup is you, appearing to offer the happy fling and the man eagerly accepting (with little hesitation needed, as who would hesitate to have a light-hearted temporary thing with someone as charming as you?). Then you change the terms, with the best of intentions no doubt. You start asking about where things are going. Family-minded, permanence-seeking men would be thrilled to have you bring up the "what are we?" talk (or just both sides assuming and confirming). Casual flingers aren't.

 

It's not so much you could have handled the 26-year-old differently and made him want to commit to you. But a better version would be when the two of you meet, and before either getting attached or jumping into bed, you have a heart to heart about your dreams and goals. Actually multiple such talks. And you'd learn about his school, and its demands, and his need to focus. And you'd see over time whether he can absorb the move, school etc. and still choose to make time for you.

 

Being more selective early on will definitely result in fewer dates and fewer flings. But I believe it will improve your chances at the L/T relationship.

 

...for some reason I threw caution to the wind on the age thing this time.

So, you gambled (a bit unwisely in my view) and lost. Water under the bridge. Next time, choose your pony more carefully.