My "Easier Said Than Done" Jerry Maguire Rant

[ThorntonMelon]

Hi there - I hope you won't mind if I spend a few minutes on my Saturday morning sharing some thoughts that have crossed my mind in the last many weeks and months posting here. I have learned so much about myself through sharing with others, and I was hoping that maybe some of my thoughts could help you in some way. If not, well hopefully I didn't waste too much of your time.

 

I watch a decent amount of TV. Now, I'm American and I know a lot of you aren't so I am not positive how much this translates, but I'll do my best here.

 

When I look at the people that you watch on TV and find appealing, or respectable, or interesting, none of them are the mopey type of people that send breadcrumbs or would try to get your attention via changing a profile picture on a social media website or something like that.

 

The Frank Underwoods, Harvey Spectors, Gregory Houses, Jed Bartlets, Jack Bauers, etc, etc, etc... they know what they want, they shoot straight, and they walk away if someone can't do or be what they need - and no one would react to them in any other way but at least with respect. I understand it's Hollywood, and as such you can't assume what works in Hollywood works in real life, but I think in this case it does.

 

I don't think you can EVER go wrong by setting boundaries based on what you will and will not accept. If you look at the people you know with great relationships, they wouldn't get dumped or yelled at or attacked for stating what they want and need and expecting their partner to come through. So if you are on here rationalizing why your partners can't meet your needs, guess what, you don't have a great relationship!

 

Back to my Hollywood comments - people are attracted to other people with a strong sense of self. Confidence comes from knowing who you are, and what you are, and not accepting less than what you deserve. I think every time you let someone walk all over you, that you weaken your relationship. Now, there's a difference between compromising and being walked over, and it's a fine line, and you just have to get good at figuring out the difference (this is where a board like LS can be so helpful to figure out where the right lines are and are not).

 

Strong people are attractive. Weak people are not. The only partners that weak people attract are either other weak people, or personality disordered types who prey on the weakness.

 

If you are weak, if you don't have strong boundaries, if you won't stand up for your needs, if you don't know who you are, if you don't have goals and dreams and hopes that you are going to accomplish with or without your partner, then you will end up with a weak or personality disordered person. If you hate your physique or your mind or your smile or your job, others will too, or you'll date someone who uses it against you.

 

I know there are a lot of generalities here but I think they're true. I know in my life I am picking out a few people whose personality traits I find appealing, and I am working to enhance those traits in myself. Not fake out, not change, just focus on the things about me that others will find attractive and try and diminish the traits that make me look weaker.

 

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I have a major issue with the term "dumper" on here. Like every person who has ever dumped someone else can be pigeon-holed into a category. I was dumped by a woman who acted entirely immorally at the end of our relationship. The details are irrelevant. A few months later I had to end a relationship with a woman. We had a good thing but there were a couple red flags that were not going to make moving forward possible. There is no amount of relationship game theory that would change it. And I didn't explain it all in entirety to her. I was humane, clear, didn't do the slow fade, just met her and handled it.

 

I am not saying that I was a saint and my other ex was the devil. Life has shades of gray in it. But my point is that what is appropriate in one case isn't appropriate in the other, EXCEPT that in both cases no contact was appropriate to deal with the end of the relationship. Not as a game or a strategy, but because when something breaks, you put a cast on it, you let it heal, then you go to physical therapy and re-strengthen it. NC is the cast.

 

If you stay in touch with an ex, you're basically breaking your leg and saying you refuse to put a cast on it, that it will heal on it's own, you'll just go easy on it. And any Dr. will tell you that if you do that, it won't heal properly and might be damaged for life.

 

Look at some of the people you've dated - people who are really messed up! Some of them just refused to actually do the work to heal from life trauma, and they are walking, talking personal nuclear weapons who will destroy whoever gets in their path because they don't know better. They need to be avoided at all costs. But moreso - you need to do the work to not become like them.

 

But back to the "dumper" verbiage - There is no strategy to deal with a generic dumper. A generic dumper doesn't exist. They are a human being with feelings, needs, dreams, hopes, wishes, baggage, and whatever else makes them the individual they are. You cannot get pigeonholed advice. It doesn't exist.

 

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To end this, my top 10 things I've learned from LS that I hope you have learned as well and will use for my future.

 

10. If the question related to an ex is "Should I...." The answer is "NO"

9. We will rationalize anything that someone we love does - which means we need friends who are not emotionally involved to know what's going on. Never isolate yourself even if a relationship feels perfect. Your friends may see otherwise.

8. Words not backed up by actions mean nothing.

7. Words backed up by actions mean anything - if someone says it's over and they're behaving in that way, they're not playing hard to get.

6. I know above I referenced Hollywood, but only as it related to a character trait. Romantic gestures do not win ex's back. The only thing that gets an ex back is the true sense they've lost something they don't want to live without. This doesn't always happen, but it's the only thing that works.

5. If you aren't confident about something, unless you can fake it beautifully, it will radiate off of you like a beam shining on your worst quality. You have to work every day to improve your self-esteem and confidence, or at least maintain it.

4. Logic and emotion are necessary for evaluating a situation, but emotions do not always follow logic. How someone feels is how they feel, and you cannot control it or change it with actions. Your actions have to be about your personal morals and beliefs, not about someone else's. How good you were to someone has little to nothing to do with how they feel about you.

3. The quickest way to piss someone off is to try and convince them they don't feel something that they do or to convince them what they're feeling is wrong. It is the single dumbest thing you can do after a fight or breakup.

2. The single most important skill you can learn in having strong relationships with people is to listen, understand what they feel, and understand WHY they feel it. With closed off people, it is often difficult to understand why they are doing things, but the more you can figure that out, the more you can figure out how to meet someone else's needs without giving up your own.

 

1. You get one life. Do you want to spend it sneaking onto facebook pages, sending weird text messages, fighting, rationalizing ridiculous behavior, fighting, playing weird games with other people, or do you want to be open, honest, free to express your feelings with the people you love, and enjoy every minute of every day that you can? Miserable people beget other miserable people. They are a disease and a poison, and the cure is to eliminate them from your life, no matter how hard it is to do it.

 

Sorry for the length. Had some stuff on my mind. Peace.

[tim_tom]

Nice post. Lots of truth in here.

 

Knowing all this is one thing, the problem I have today is feeling it. Head and heart are not on the same page.

 

My relationship had great elements but was also toxic and I knew it, I loved her and didn't want to lose her. Was thinking of leaving her myself for months but was too weak, she was stronger and cut the cord.

 

I am a weak person when it comes to women and attracted someone who preys on it. (as an aside, I am the exact opposite in my professional life) And as such figuring out why is the mountain i need to climb. 3 LTR's in a row, same symptoms.. Get walked all over by a strong/dominant women, can't stand up for myself or set boundaries and instead withdraw and self medicate with alcohol. I have problems.

 

I still miss her everyday, the good stuff at least, I try to embrace the times when situations arise that normally would lead to me getting the cold shoulder for a few hours, it feels good not to walk on egg shells, or worry all the time about displeasing her. I have that at least.

[Seraque]

Nice list! Really relating to this post right now. Going to refer to this from time to time. I just went thru a recent breakup of sorts (he didn't want to make a commitment - we weren't even "together"), and was rather proud of myself for not clinging on and encouraging him to listen to his heart and go with his gut. He told me he was struggling with the concept of committing to me, and was actually working on it, but he was having such a hard time.

[CaliGypsy]

It's a mission statement ! (Couldn't resist)

 

Great, thoughtful, post. Thank you for sharing. I especially agreed with negative/negative . The same is true for positive. I'm often told at work that people appreciate my positive, upbeat attitude. Which I appreciate as it's

Something I am mindful of daily. I haven't always done as well with that in my personal life and am working on that.

[lauri]

Bravo!!! Pin this rant, couldn't have summed up LS experiences better.