Best way to approach asking her thoughts on where things are headed?

[jjtr]

Sorry for the length, but I would appreciate some advice!

 

I have been on four dates with a girl now and each time we have spent a pretty decent amount of time together. The first three dates were all around three hours in length and it seems there has been good chemistry. We kissed on the second date, lengthier kissing on the third date and then last night.

 

So, last night she invited me over to her place to make dinner and watch a movie. It seemed to go well again with the conversation flowing, etc. We ended up getting into a fairly intense makeout session for about 15 minutes during which she climbed on top of me on the couch. We stopped shortly thereafter as I'm not sure either of us wanted to go any further yet.

 

Anyway, as I was leaving I said I had a great time to which she nodded (which, the lack of a verbal response made me wonder if I did something wrong but maybe that's in my head?) and I think she then said something to the tune of apologizing for hopping on top of me. I couldn't quite hear what she said, so I said, "sorry, what?" and she said nevermind. I dropped it at that.

 

I was going to tell her that I was really enjoying spending time with her and that I could see this heading somewhere, but for whatever reason, this exchange caused me to freeze and second guess myself.

 

We kissed goodnight and agreed to hangout again next week (when I asked if she was busy she said she always was, which I believe since she's in law school and working, but that she'd make time) and I went on my way.

 

I know that this is going to rack my brain now and big the crap out of me until we see each other again, so what should I do? Do I call or text (that seems to be her preferred source of communication between dates) her and tell her how I'm feeling about things and hope she shares her thoughts or do I straight up ask her where she sees this heading? Or do I wait until the next date?

 

I guess, even though all signs seem to point to things moving forward in a positive direction, I'm still worried about screwing things up.

I am not necessarily looking for commitment to a relationship from her yet, but just feel like I need reassurance that she's looking for what I'm looking for.

 

This has already gone on/gone better than any recent dating ventures, but this is typically the time in the dating process that seems to always backfire/screw me over and I think I'm just worried about that happening again and it's hard for me to get back that.

 

Am I reading into small signs that might be non-existent outside of my head? Am I overthinking this whole thing? It's just that I see this having a good chance at developing into something more and would be really bummed if she didn't feel the same way.

[GemmaUK]

My gut instinct is she felt silly for making that move on you as it wasn't followed through.

 

What exactly happened when she made the move. Did you rebuff her in some way?

 

What is it that you are exactly looking for?

4 dates seems a bit soon to 'have a talk' yet you say you don't want commitment from her so....what would your talk be about?

[jjtr]

My gut instinct is she felt silly for making that move on you as it wasn't followed through.

 

What exactly happened when she made the move. Did you rebuff her in some way?

 

What is it that you are exactly looking for?

4 dates seems a bit soon to 'have a talk' yet you say you don't want commitment from her so....what would your talk be about?

 

We continued making out for a good five minutes after she made that move. I'm not sure if she was apologizing because she thought I was put off by it because I didn't escalate it beyond making out? I don't know.

 

I guess I am just seeking confirmation that her thoughts are in line with mine in the sense of what she's looking for and getting a sense of where she stands right now.

 

I know most here would probably say four dates is nothing, which is true, but I feel like we have really hit it off. Me, personally, I am not someone who juggles dating multiple girls, especially not after I have been seeing one on a weekly basis for month. It's too much for me.

 

So, I guess I'm also looking to find out whether or not I'm way ahead of her. I'm certainly not expecting labels or anything this early, but it would be music to my ears to hear that she is looking for something serious and that this has a lot of potential, because those are my thoughts.

[Gaeta]

I think after 4 dates you know if someone has captured your attention or not. Just like you know she captured yours. Did you meet online? Is she still browsing each day?

[jjtr]

I think after 4 dates you know if someone has captured your attention or not. Just like you know she captured yours. Did you meet online? Is she still browsing each day?

 

We did meet online.

 

I myself haven't done any actual browsing since after our second date, but when I last logged in a week ago, her profile said her last activity was within 2 weeks.

[jjtr]

I will also readily admit that I am someone who second-guesses everything and lets self-doubt creep in my own head based on how dating has typically gone for me in recent years.

 

So I'm not sure if that's impairing my judgment. I know it's silly, but it's hard to get past.

[Gaeta]

We did meet online.

 

I myself haven't done any actual browsing since after our second date, but when I last logged in a week ago, her profile said her last activity was within 2 weeks.

 

This is a good sign, when you're into someone you don't feel like being on there. Have you felt a change in her communication since your last date? If not then let this slide. If she's into you the little bumps here and there won't keep her from moving ahead with this relationship. Book the next date.

[jjtr]

This is a good sign, when you're into someone you don't feel like being on there. Have you felt a change in her communication since your last date? If not then let this slide. If she's into you the little bumps here and there won't keep her from moving ahead with this relationship. Book the next date.

 

Communication has been consistent, although mainly through texting (which sort of just began seeming like her preferred method of communication between dates) and I haven't really felt a change. There was a three week gap between second and third dates because we both went on week long vacations and during that time, we kept up with the texts.

 

I'm usually the one who reaches out after a date saying I enjoyed myself, though, and last night was the first time she planned out the date.

 

I guess maybe some of this stems from the fact that we have never really gotten into a discussion about what we're looking for outside of maybe our first message exchange on the dating site.

 

Would shooting her a message today saying that I've really been enjoying spending time with her and look forward to seeing where this goes be a bad idea? Should I just continue normal communication and wait until the next date?

[Gaeta]

Would shooting her a message today saying that I've really been enjoying spending time with her and look forward to seeing where this goes be a bad idea? Should I just continue normal communication and wait until the next date?

 

Do NOT do that.

 

What did she say she was looking for in her first conversation with you? what had she put on her profile? What ever she wrote is what she wants. If she wrote hang-outs or friends or casual dating then don't expect more.

[jjtr]

Do NOT do that.

 

What did she say she was looking for in her first conversation with you? what had she put on her profile? What ever she wrote is what she wants. If she wrote hang-outs or friends or casual dating then don't expect more.

 

Just curious, but how come?

 

I don't recall what her profile said, but when I asked her via one of my initial emails I believe it was along the lines of, "this might be forward, but a relationship I guess."

 

I guess this leads me back to the question of how/when/if at all in terms of approaching the topic. Doesn't it eventually need to happen? It's been forever since I've been on more than one or two dates, let alone a relationship, so I guess I'm trying to grasp this stuff again.

 

Or maybe I just need to get over the fact that things aren't always spelled out for me in the sense I'm looking for.

[Darren2013]

Actually she should be asking you where things are headed. Just my opinion but if I had gotten 4 dates in I wouldn't say anything. I would just back off and continue to ask her out for dates until she asks me where is this heading or where is this going. That's when I know she is interested in becoming my girlfriend. To which I would say I don't know where it is going and I need a week to think about it. I wouldn't jump right away on her offer of promotion to boyfriend status either.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Actually she should be asking you where things are headed. Just my opinion but if I had gotten 4 dates in I wouldn't say anything. I would just back off and continue to ask her out for dates until she asks me where is this heading or where is this going. That's when I know she is interested in becoming my girlfriend. To which I would say I don't know where it is going and I need a week to think about it. I wouldn't jump right away on her offer of promotion to boyfriend status either.

 

I can see the point behind the letting it run and not asking too soon idea (it's actually really nice at the start to have the freedom to go out and have fun and the fizzle of excitement not knowing what the other person is thinking) but someone has to ask, why should it have to be the girl?

 

Also if I asked a guy if he wanted to start something and he said he needed a week to think about it, I'd already have moved on. A day or two sure, if there were some serious extenuating circumstances to consider like the impact on kids of his or the feasibility of a long distance relationship, but if all was going well and a guy needed a whole week to decide whether or not to be with me I wouldn't want him even more, I'd shut down and back off onto somebody that was actually eager and excited to be with me.

[jjtr]

We did meet online.

 

I myself haven't done any actual browsing since after our second date, but when I last logged in a week ago, her profile said her last activity was within 2 weeks.

 

I peaked out of curiosity again just now and she's been active within 5 days now. Guess that really doesn't mean anything, but two weeks thing made me feel better.

 

She also did say something the other day (before our date last night) when we were texting and I teased her about not remembering her already asking me about something on a previous date and I wasn't really sure how to interpret it. She asked me something and then said she couldn't remember because she can hardly remember what she did yesterday. I teased along the lines of "thanks for remembering our conversations" and she responded by saying she felt like an awful person and that it made her look like she was dating a million guys, but clearly not because she can't remember details about the one she's dating.

 

I didn't know if that was just a genuine, sarcastic/jokey comment or a cover for something.

 

Blah, I need to stop thinking about all this. Not sure why I do this to myself after what seemed like a great date last night.

Edited September 13, 2014 by jjtr

[GemmaUK]

I'm confused.

 

You say you don't want any commitment then you appear to want commitment.....

 

Maybe just go with the flow.

It is only 4 dates.

 

This does not make it a relationship.

 

Relax and continue getting to know each other - see what happens.

[Diezel]

Next time a woman hops up on you, articles of clothing better be coming off within minutes of that.

 

Want to know whether a woman wants you to go through with it or not? She'll tell you. You just keep going until she's adamant about you stopping.

[jjtr]

I'm confused.

 

You say you don't want any commitment then you appear to want commitment.....

 

Maybe just go with the flow.

It is only 4 dates.

 

This does not make it a relationship.

 

Relax and continue getting to know each other - see what happens.

 

I think what I'm trying to say is that I would like a commitment to being exclusive, but a girlfriend label right now is probably still a little much. I know to some people there is no difference between these two things, but I think there is.

 

For me, I can go on one or two dates with different people, but if I'm hitting it off with someone after that point, I narrow it down to the one I like more. My feeling is that after four dates (and as well as I think they've gone), she should be having the same feelings.

[curlygirl40]

I personally wouldn't say anything and just wait it out. Keep doing what you're doing. Stay in touch, ask her on dates, get to know her. See where it goes.

 

The first handful of dates are so are painful like this. For both sides when we are really into someone.

 

But I personally think asking the other person upsets the flow of things. If you wait it out you will have all of the answers that you need.

 

Yes, you may possibly have those answers earlier if you outright ask her questions, but then you might come off as needy or insecure or whatever. So you'll have your answers (maybe, if she's 100% honest with her answer) but at what cost? It's too early.

 

Enjoy it for what it is and let it go a little further before conversations like that. Just my opinion.

[Destined2B]

Next time a woman hops up on you, articles of clothing better be coming off within minutes of that.

 

Want to know whether a woman wants you to go through with it or not? She'll tell you. You just keep going until she's adamant about you stopping.

+1 on this one.

I think the woman knew perfectly well what she wanted when she hoped onto you but your hesitation/indecision might have turned her off or made her feel undesirable.

[mightycpa]

I'm going to give you some advice, and it is based only on my own personal experience. You think that she apologized to you for hopping on you, and I read the whole make-out thing. At this point, you and she have two, and maybe three elements of miscommunication on the subject of some level of physical intimacy:

 

1) You didn't exactly hear what she said.

2) She told you to never mind, signaling embarrassment

3) She apologized for a reason, which I assume means she wanted it to go farther

 

You need to fix that right away. I'm not you, so I don't know what you're comfortable with, but I'd do it something like this, over the phone (not by text!)

 

"Hi, Matilda? Hey, I wanted to just tell you that I had a really nice time the other night. Listen, something has been bothering me, I'm not sure how to bring it up, so I'm just going to say it. I'm really not sure, because I literally did not hear what you said, but I think you tried to apologize to me for hopping on top of me. I just wanted to say that you never have to apologize to me for that, it was actually my favorite part of the date. I just wanted to let you know that because, I don't know, it felt like I left something important hanging with you, and it has been bugging me. I wanted to clear the air, because I don't want you to have the wrong impression.

 

I'm going to be pretty embarrassed if you said something else."

 

Then shut up and listen to whatever she says. Respond accordingly. One of two things is true. That's what she said, or it isn't. But even if it isn't, she's going to appreciate that you had the balls to say what was on your mind, and to at least make an attempt at good communication. Also, you're going to drop the not-so-subtle hint that you like physical intimacy with this woman.

 

Don't just sweep this under the rug. Talking about it won't be easy, but it should pay off for you.

 

This is my advice to you.

[jjtr]

I'm going to give you some advice, and it is based only on my own personal experience. You think that she apologized to you for hopping on you, and I read the whole make-out thing. At this point, you and she have two, and maybe three elements of miscommunication on the subject of some level of physical intimacy:

 

1) You didn't exactly hear what she said.

2) She told you to never mind, signaling embarrassment

3) She apologized for a reason, which I assume means she wanted it to go farther

 

You need to fix that right away. I'm not you, so I don't know what you're comfortable with, but I'd do it something like this, over the phone (not by text!)

 

"Hi, Matilda? Hey, I wanted to just tell you that I had a really nice time the other night. Listen, something has been bothering me, I'm not sure how to bring it up, so I'm just going to say it. I'm really not sure, because I literally did not hear what you said, but I think you tried to apologize to me for hopping on top of me. I just wanted to say that you never have to apologize to me for that, it was actually my favorite part of the date. I just wanted to let you know that because, I don't know, it felt like I left something important hanging with you, and it has been bugging me. I wanted to clear the air, because I don't want you to have the wrong impression.

 

I'm going to be pretty embarrassed if you said something else."

 

Then shut up and listen to whatever she says. Respond accordingly. One of two things is true. That's what she said, or it isn't. But even if it isn't, she's going to appreciate that you had the balls to say what was on your mind, and to at least make an attempt at good communication. Also, you're going to drop the not-so-subtle hint that you like physical intimacy with this woman.

 

Don't just sweep this under the rug. Talking about it won't be easy, but it should pay off for you.

 

This is my advice to you.

 

Thank you for this advice, I think there's a lot of accuracy in it. I'm pretty positive that it was either an apology for hopping on or hopping off. As I said, I didn't really make it out completely.

 

I would typically do this in person or over the phone, however, our communication between dates has been strictly via text. I got the impression from the beginning that text was her preferred/easiest way of communication, so I went with it and never pushed to talk on the phone. Would calling out of the blue now be sort of odd?

[jjtr]

+1 on this one.

I think the woman knew perfectly well what she wanted when she hoped onto you but your hesitation/indecision might have turned her off or made her feel undesirable.

 

In hindsight I am sure this is probably correct, I think my signals just got crossed by her mentioning it being late/being tired and the fact that her roommate was home.

 

Bonehead move on me, not afraid to admit that, I just don't want it to ruin things.

[mightycpa]

Would calling out of the blue now be sort of odd?

 

This is an out of the ordinary message so perhaps an out of the ordinary mode of communication is warranted. You might work that in to your spiel. My thinking is that you wouldn't text any of the following, for obvious reasons.

 

"I want to make love to you."

"I love you."

"Will you marry me?"

 

This is personal too, and really no different.

 

EDIT: Or maybe you text her, and ask her if you can call her now. That might work.

[jjtr]

Well, I took that suggested approach. Not sure exactly how to read the situation now, but I think I at least got the point across that I wasn't trying to avoid intimacy and I don't think it has ruined things, but I'll let you all share your thoughts on that.

 

I said I had a really nice night, but that something was bugging me. I told her that I heard her apologize for something, and think I know what she said, but wasn't positive. She didn't try playing it off and just came out and said she jokingly apologized for hopping on like she did. She said to ignore her awkward, tired humor (not sure I buy whether or not it was in fact a joke). I told her whether it was a joke or not, she didn't have to apologize for it and that if it wasn't a joke and she was serious, I didn't want to give off the wrong impression. She went on to say how she was exhausted anyway and she was going to make a note to herself that if she thinks something is funny at that hour, it probably isn't and she felt bad for her awkward humor. I said I hope I didn't make things awkward by bringing it up, but it had been bugging me and said the point was, I've really been joying spending time with her to which she reciprocated that comment and then the conversation took a lighter note (recapping how our meal didn't turn out the greatest, funny moments from the evening) for a bit before ending. I left it by saying I'd get in touch with her tomorrow or Monday to set something up for this week and she seemed be on board with that.

[mightycpa]

Good for you. The air is cleared, you ended with friendly relief, and you know what? Whether it works out or not, it won't be because "we don't communicate very well."

 

I think the date reminiscing is a positive thing, and I think she probably thinks a little better about you right now. So do I. Her pals will love it too.

 

Good luck.

[jjtr]

Thank you for the advice everyone, and mightycpa in particular.

 

We have scheduled something for Thursday and I think I out myself into a good position. I initially suggested the typical, run of the mill stuff and she said she would be up for doing whatever. I took that as a bad sign, so I thought a bit and remembered she had class until late on Thursdays and we both work normal 8-5 jobs, I got back to her and said, "how about I just swing by when you're done with class so you don't have to rush to meet me somewhere? Then we can decide if we want to walk to a bar to grab a drink and play pool or whether we just want to hang out at your place."

 

She seemed way more receptive to that idea, so I'm proud of myself

 

Anyway, I've been mulling saying, in casual conversation, something along the lines of, "I know we haven't really discussed what we're each looking for much, but I just wanted to put it out there that I'm not dating anyone else right now and don't plan to while I'm seeing you."

 

Good idea? Bad idea?

 

I'm a guy who likes to know, especially by the fifth date, if I'm one of a few or the only one. Especially considering that we have had awesome chemistry and a pretty decent amount of physical attraction/contact. I mean, we're in contact every day.

 

Will I risk ruining it by saying it that way? Do I just say that? Or do I ask her what she thinks? I have been burned so much in the past by a girl saying, "I really like you but I have been seeing someone else I like more and it's getting serious." On our first date, she mentioned she only had went out on two other first dates she made through the OLD site and that they didn't work out at all.

 

Basically, I feel like I at least need to let her know where I am, but am worried it's going to backfire.

 

Any advice?