95areoin9 Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 This is my dilemma right now. I'm completely torn. Please try to read all of this before posting. & Thanks for any advice. Background: So I've been seeing my.. ex now.. for almost 15 months. I'm 19 years old, a sophomore at a big university and actually pretty good looking. But so is she. She is also the only girl I've ever had sex with... unfortunately. All of the other girls in high school wanted relationships before sex or were too slutty, but anyways, that doesn't matter. Here we go, let me try to explain what went on without writing too much. I randomly asked her out last year after a long night and a party at my house. We were already having sex and I thought it'd be a good idea since we were going to college and I would be more focused at school without her (different schools, couple hours away). She definitely grew on me, and is really the only girl I've cared about. She transferred to my school this year (not completely because of me, she was going to transfer anyway and likes it here). We have amazing sex, even though I haven't been with any other girl... we go crazy together and know I probably won't find much better sex anywhere else. Although, it hasn't been as fun lately because, well, it's just been 15 months. She has always been there for me, and I feel like she put way more effort into the relationship than I did, which is why I broke up with her. I told her she loved me way more than I love her. But the bad thing is that I think I do love her, or I at least care about her so much. I told her that we would be best friends still if I could have it my way. We both cried, but she cried a lot more. She went back to her room and then came back because her roommate needed it to have sex in... So I let her in. We talked more and she just went home for the weekend. She says she hates me but loves me, and she wants to be best friends still, but I don't think it will work out like that. Anyway, it's only like two hours later. I know I need to give it time and I will, but right now I'm second guessing myself. I want to be free and explore and meet other girls. I'm going to Brazil in December and am definitely going to have sex there. But I still care about this girl a lot, and it breaks my heart to see her so upset. Could anyone give me some extra advice here? Should I cut off all contact with her and wait, or what? I just don't want to regret this a month or two from now, try to come back, and not be able to, even though she's still in love with me.
mightycpa Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 You're going to have to scratch that itch if you want it to go away, and if you want to be fair to her, you're going to have to find a way that she doesn't have to look at it. That's going to mean putting distance between you and her. Lots of distance. Encourage HER to go NC with you, for her own good. Whether you regret it or not in two months, or a year, or whenever: 1) you won't know until you do and 2) you can't have everything you want
Author 95areoin9 Posted September 13, 2014 Author Posted September 13, 2014 You're going to have to scratch that itch if you want it to go away, and if you want to be fair to her, you're going to have to find a way that she doesn't have to look at it. That's going to mean putting distance between you and her. Lots of distance. Encourage HER to go NC with you, for her own good. Whether you regret it or not in two months, or a year, or whenever: 1) you won't know until you do and 2) you can't have everything you want Thank you. I'm just not sure if I am making the right decision but you are right. I'll try to go NC and see how it works. If I am really aching for her still then I will apologize. How much time would you recommend I go NC... roughly?
mightycpa Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 (edited) How much time would you recommend I go NC... roughly? You misunderstood me. I suggested that you tell her to go NC with you, ie, put her in control of the answer to that question. I guess to answer your question, until she invites you back into contact, however long that is. If she doesn't have the discipline to stay away, I'd say until your itch is scratched and you want her back for good. If you never get there, then probably never, or until she contacts you, whichever comes first. In your situation, by the way, it is quite common that you'd never talk to each other again in your lives. I have six ex's like that.. not that things are estranged or uncivil. We've all just moved on, whether we liked it or not. I'm coming up on 14,000 days of NC with my first love, who dumped me right after I went to college. I never imagined it could be so long back then, but here I am. (I don't count the days, I use Excel to calculate the number. I just remember the date) Edited September 13, 2014 by mightycpa 1
Author 95areoin9 Posted September 13, 2014 Author Posted September 13, 2014 You misunderstood me. I suggested that you tell her to go NC with you, ie, put her in control of the answer to that question. I guess to answer your question, until she invites you back into contact, however long that is. If she doesn't have the discipline to stay away, I'd say until your itch is scratched and you want her back for good. If you never get there, then probably never, or until she contacts you, whichever comes first. In your situation, by the way, it is quite common that you'd never talk to each other again in your lives. I have six ex's like that.. not that things are estranged or uncivil. We've all just moved on, whether we liked it or not. I'm coming up on 14,000 days of NC with my first love, who dumped me right after I went to college. I never imagined it could be so long back then, but here I am. (I don't count the days, I use Excel to calculate the number. I just remember the date) Got it. Thank you. I did tell her that actually but told her she could text me in a few days if she wanted. But I also made it clear I didn't want a girlfriend right now.
Allumere Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 Well you have now earned your ++++hole award. It is all about your dick. You didn't care for her and I assure you, you have broken her heart. Learn from this. No relationships from now on. Get laid a thousand times if you want, but do not date anyone. Its all normal, I am very well aware...but I guess I hold sex as something that holds more value then just being a count of experiences. Again, learn from this. 1
Author 95areoin9 Posted September 13, 2014 Author Posted September 13, 2014 Well you have now earned your ++++hole award. It is all about your dick. You didn't care for her and I assure you, you have broken her heart. Learn from this. No relationships from now on. Get laid a thousand times if you want, but do not date anyone. Its all normal, I am very well aware...but I guess I hold sex as something that holds more value then just being a count of experiences. Again, learn from this. Thank you as well. I'm aware of how shallow I am, and that's what tears me apart the most. But I just can't help it.
Purepony Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 He's just doing what most girls do after a break up... go out and screw and move om
mightycpa Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 Its all normal, I am very well aware... So you're aware it is normal, and yet, you ream the guy out for being normal? Your advice is to "beat yourself up because you're not abnormal"? Listen, we don't sign up for life sentences in prison when we start dating. For all you know, she may see the wisdom in this. It isn't a lifetime commitment until you marry and make that commitment for a lifetime. I guarantee OP doesn't have a wedding ring on his finger. Don't listen to that tripe 95areoin1, because if you do, you're consigned to a lifetime of looking backwards. If you were true to your girlfriend while you were with her, and are trying to figure out the right way to leave because you've never done that before, you're just fine. There's no way to avoid hurting people, and some will take it worse than others, case in point right here. It really isn't your responsibility. Your responsibility is to do the right thing with respect to your SO, and it sounds like you are.
Always Pondering Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 You should cut ties with her because she wants something that you cannot give as of right now. She was invested into the relationship and you're currently not. There's quite the number of stories involving the desire to explore their youth so it's not uncommon. If you ever have the want to reconcile, then make it known to her and see if she wants to or not after all that's happened. No breadcrumbs though. It's not fair to her however to keep her strung along by being "best friends" while she is heart-broken and you're exploring your options which is why NC is needed on both ends. Although this is a risk you're well aware of, just don't be surprised if you decide to come back and she's moved on. You stated you don't want to potentially regret this but you've already taken the risk by splitting up with her.
Author 95areoin9 Posted September 13, 2014 Author Posted September 13, 2014 Thank you both of you. We will see where my heart takes me from here. But right now it's sick knowing that I might have given up on love because I was too shallow not to.
ThorntonMelon Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 You're not shallow. You've only ever eaten pepperoni pizza. You love it, but recently you're seeing others eat other kinds of pizza and enjoy them, and all of a sudden you're not sure if pepperoni is really your flavor. The only difference here is that the pizzeria may not offer pepperoni anymore if you order something else. So you're taking a risk. There are four outcomes here. 1. Stay - she ends up being the one, and you never have regrets. 10% 2. Stay - she dumps you later, and you really regret wasting college and not trusting your gut 40% 3. Dump - you have a ton of fun in college, and meet miss right later once you've figured out who you really are. 40% 4. Dump - she moves on, you never find real love again, and you regret it for the rest of your life. 10% But none of this best friend nonsense. You ended it, the consequence is you lose her, unless she desires you to stay in her life.
Recommended Posts