Real36 Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 I've been dating this guy for a little over a month. He is recently divorced and living alone for the first time ever. We have daily contact but it has been really hard for us to get together. I have school and he has.... well, he has football. Basically, I need at least one weekend day, either Saturday or Sunday to do homework but I am available for nights and the other day. He spends a lot of time with his friends. He stays over at their houses some weekend nights because he drinks too much and spends pretty much every Saturday with them watching football. He usually asks me out for Wednesday and Sunday nights, both days when we have to work the following morning. Last week he asked to get together on the weekend but then sent a text explaining that he wouldn't be available on Saturday because he planned to cook out with his parents and watch football. Later that night he text to invite me to a bar with he and his friends but since he had told me he wasn't going to be available, I was already doing something with my friends. He suggested that we get together on Sunday but I had a previous plan to have dinner with friends to celebrate a birthday, he knew about those plans. He asked to get together around my Sunday plans but the timing didn't work out. We didn't get together until Wednesday, then he was 45 min. late because he was helping his parents. He works in an office in his parent's house. He is there 9 hours per day 5 days per week. He is pretty much never alone. He is either with his parents or with his friends. Today he told me that he is going to a friend's kids birthday party tomorrow and then going to watch football with his friends afterward. That is going to take up his whole day so he suggested that we go out again this Sunday. I have agreed but I feel like my interest level has really waned since finding out that he isn't willing to work around his football watching schedule. He has made it clear that it is very important to him. Friday nights are pretty much unavailable too. My questions are: Does it seem like this guy even wants to date me or is he just the type who can't be alone? Could this be a rebound thing for him? Why does he keep asking me out if he doesn't have time to spend with me?
mightycpa Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 You think you might just be cluing in on why he's divorced? 7
Yookie Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 He will always put his Saturday football ahead of you. If you don't like this now then don't even entertain trying to start a relationship with this guy. By the way football in USA happens on Sunday (and one game on Thursday and Monday night) so I'm not sure what he is watching! LOL!
Author Real36 Posted September 13, 2014 Author Posted September 13, 2014 Reasons for divorce as listed by him: She didn't like spending time with his friends. She didn't like spending time with his family. Yeah, I've got a pretty good idea of what is going on here I just haven't wanted to dismiss him without giving him a proper chance. The football he is watching is college football, his alma mater. Games are on Saturday and he keeps talking about us going tailgating at the stadium, its about 2.5 hours away. On one hand he seems to dig me, always asking me out and talking about how much his friends are gonna like me. But on the other hand, it seems like he couldn't bare to spend more than an hour or 2 alone so he would probably like nearly anyone.
mightycpa Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 <irrelevant> You ****in' crack me up. I always look forward to your posts.
doeblin Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 It's so great when a man is really passionate about something. Let it be rock climbing, fine woodworking, playing the piano OR watching the game with buddies & drinkin beer. Does this guy worth it?
GemmaUK Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 This is how he will always be. Football is his priority so you can either join in with his love for it and enjoy the day spent watching the game and all of the drinking that goes with that or you can choose not to and have Saturday as your day of the week for yourself. Some guys take this to the extreme and would refuse to go to a wedding if it interrupted their footie schedule. I know a guy who was not at all passionate about rugby...he never watched it nor talked about it, not even with friends. One day he got annoyed with a friend who had invited him to a BBQ which fell on the day of a rugby match. He said his friend should have chosen another day as he thought it rude of him to plan it for a day when a game was on. He even asked his friend to change the date - his friend wouldn't as lots of people were attending. The guy refused to go. They never spoke again after that.
Michelle ma Belle Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 I dated a guy almost identical to this. Great guy but it was abundantly clear that HIS life and friends which included a LOT of partying and sports were his PRIORITY no matter how amazing I was. Some men are just like this. Doesn't make them "bad" men. What YOU have to decided is if this is good enough for you? What do YOU want out of a relationship with him or any man for that matter? I sincerely believe that having personal interests outside of a relationship is not only healthy but important BUT there IS a breaking point when a healthy balance can't achieved. Whatever you do, DO NOT go into this relationship or continue dating this guy thinking he will change at some point or that you will be able to change him. THAT is an exercise in futility, my friend. Good luck.
Author Real36 Posted September 13, 2014 Author Posted September 13, 2014 Yes, I see why he is divorced. It isn't the football only. It's the extensive amount of time he spends with his friends. Even when there isn't football on, he is either with them or with his parents. It's like he can't stand to be alone. Maybe its an adjustment period after getting divorced, I don't know.
deathandtaxes Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 There's quite a few things I won't give up just to go on a date. I won't skip dance or yoga class, for example. These are some of the things I'm passionate about. I think it's fine the guy has his football passion. And it's only a small part of the year. And college football is usually just Saturdays. So that still leaves six days a week for going out. And I'd turn the question out and ask you why don't you just do all your school work when he's doing football? The bigger thing is him being recently divorced and never being alone. How recent is the divorce? The newness just seems to me that he doesn't know how much time to devote to dating or seeing you.
curlygirl40 Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 Hmmm. I might give this one a little more time to see how it plays out. For me, there's always a little bit of a 'newly dating' adjustment period where you're not serious enough to include family and friends in your plans, so you have to see each other when you can. If the time comes that you are an official couple gf/bf, you will be able to see him more but probably ONLY because you'll be invited to these events, kid's birthday parties, etc. My initial gut reaction was that the guy is newly divorced and is probably REALLY enjoying his family/friend time without a girl nagging him about where he is or how long he will be there. And he likes a woman's company and likes to have sex, when he has time that he's not with family or friends. So for now, this is really working for him. He likes you and he's not having to give anything up to be with you. But if the relationship progresses there will come a time of compromise. I think only then will you really know how much of an issue this will be. Will you always be included? Will you ever have any alone time? Do you enjoy his family and friends? Will he not watch a football game one Saturday when you want him to accompany you to a friend's wedding. Etc., etc. Those things remain to be seen. To answer your questions at the end of your post, here is my opinion. Yes he wants to date you or he wouldn't be asking out. Yes it could be a rebound thing and maybe he's not ready for a serious relationship which is why he doesn't reserve Saturday nights for you. The question really is 'is this o.k with you?'. I would set a time limit (in your mind, not telling him what it is, about 4 months) and if the relationship hasn't progressed and you're not happy, then move on and find something else that suits you better. Definitely keep in mind that he's not going to change. His life will revolve around football and friends and family. He's telling you that right away. Good luck! 1
mightycpa Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 Hmmm. I might give this one a little more time to see how it plays out. Yeah, don't worry, because right after the bowl games, college basketball season is right around the corner.
Diezel Posted September 13, 2014 Posted September 13, 2014 Clearly you aren't a priority, so why is he one for you?
Author Real36 Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 The divorce is really, really recent. They have been officially separated since April of this year but the actual divorce will not be final until the end of this month. I wonder if he is ready to date at all or is just incapable of being alone. That's what I meant in my earlier post. I wouldn't ask him to give up football to go on a date with me. It's obvious how important it is to him. But football games don't last all weekend. He is with his friends on Friday nights and then all day Saturday for games. He can see me on Sundays which we usually do but I have conceded my regular Sunday schedule to be available for him. He does not concede any time for me, not even non-football Friday nights. I'm going to give this a little more time but I don't have a good feeling about it.
Diezel Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 Stop conceding your schedule to him on Sundays then. Let him know that your Sunday "activities" are to you what his Saturday "football" is to him.
deathandtaxes Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 Separated since April and about to have a finalized divorce. Yikes. He's ready for a fling, not a relationship. Otherwise you're just heartache waiting to happen if you expect anything at all from this guy.
Author Real36 Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 There won't be any heartbreak. I don't see this going down any roads I need to travel, I'm going to break it off with him. I just got a text pushing our date back to tonight because he doesn't feel well. This on top of the text I got last night inviting me to his friend's house after the game. I'm sure he was drunk and I know why he doesn't feel well this morning. I'm ok with it, though. I decided last night that it wasn't going to work out. I don't really know why his trying to date right now unless it is that he can't stand to be alone. A fling is definitely not what he is looking for, drinking too much has other side effects (if you know what I mean). He is going through a lot right now with the divorce and I am sympathetic to that, but no woman in this world wants to date a 32 yo. drunken mama's boy with a football obsession. And that is why he is divorced.
Diezel Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 He is just used to the security and comfort of a relationship. You were giving it to him on his terms. Glad you made up your mind. 1
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