cat Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 I don't know what I need here-- maybe a pep talk, maybe assurance that ending it was the right thing. Last year I was dumped by a man who was separated and went back to his wife. This was August 2013. It was the worst thing I have ever gone through (it came on the heels of some other bad stuff). I finally started dating again in January, an LDR. It was kind of fizzling in the last few months. I should have broken it off, but I didn't. I wasn't totally ready to give up I guess. A couple months ago I came across the first ex again. He is divorced now. We started seeing each other again, even though I hadn't ended with the LDR. It generally was OK--happy in the day-to-day but some long-term compatibility issues. He uses a lot of substances, is underemployed, lies in a friend's basement since leaving his wife. He has poor boundaries and is generally a bully. I guess I also have poor boundaries in that I allow myself to be bullied. He said regularly how much he loves me and that I was the love of his life and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Also, he regularly told me how selfish I am. Selfish, all the time. Everything is about me. It made me crazy because I was constantly tense waiting for the next thing that I would do that would be perceived as selfish. The other night, I said I was feeling like I needed a little space and the conversation turned into how selfish I am, in addition to (now) how controlling I am and that I lack empathy for other people. Selfish, controlling, unempathetic. Hard things to hear from someone who loves you. This felt kind of verbally/emotionally abusive, no? I dunno. I tend to take too much **** from people and I think my gauge for mistreatment is a little off. So, the next day I checked it out with my friends. No one agreed.... That day I told him that I thought we should go back to trying to be friends. I heard nothing from him until today, when I got an incredibly nasty email about how I am a selfish liar and I tell lies all the time to get what I want, and how I really met someone else and I wanted to spend time with him and that's why I broke it off with him, etc etc. Oh, and that all my friends were lying when they said I wasn't selfish . I feel terrible because I have not been truthful with my LDR. He's an OK guy, we just haven't seen each other much and there isn't much phone contact so it's kind of like we're not together at all. I also feel crappy because, well, it's hard to not take these things to heart. He hit pretty low. How can I use this as an opportunity to build self-esteem? YES, I'm glad to be rid of him in some ways. I think I did the right thing by ending it. I'm proud of myself for listening to my gut. But it still hurts. Also, was I overreacting about thinking it was borderline abusive that he calls me selfish all the time? This is without context or any specific situations. Thoughts? Thanks from a wounded warrior :/
NoLeafClover Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 ...abusive or not He seems to be right on one thing... That you are lying and found someone else. Well you didn't find someone else you already had someone else he just didn't know cause you kept it away from both of your men which makes you a liar. No nice words to say here from me here sorry. only thing to do is come clean the least you can do.
Author cat Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 (edited) ...abusive or not He seems to be right on one thing... That you are lying and found someone else. Well you didn't find someone else you already had someone else he just didn't know cause you kept it away from both of your men which makes you a liar. No nice words to say here from me here sorry. only thing to do is come clean the least you can do. No its cool. I come here for truth. No apologies necessary. But to clarify, he knew about the LDR the whole time and we agreed to take things slow and see if there was any real potential for long term success. No secrets there. I haven't seen the LDR in a few months and actually had planned to end it but I haven't yet-- not because of anything except that it wasn't a fit. He knew everything and kept choosing to come back. He's saying I met someone completely different. Which I haven't. But you're right, I feel terrible about lying to the LDR. For sure. And am thinking of coming clean, except I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily. Edited September 12, 2014 by cat
mightycpa Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 **** the guy with the abusive personality and what he thinks. You don't owe him anything. As to the LDR, maybe you should skip the part where you confess, and instead, suggest that you be non-exclusive. What you describe as an LDR doesn't sound like much of one. In the future, I'd suggest that you treat your exclusivity as if it were valuable. That is to say, don't give it to everybody you date. 1
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