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"Leave me alone" after fight. And: am I over-analyzing? (Updated)

imsooooconfused

By imsooooconfused
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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imsooooconfused Member

imsooooconfused

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Hi all,

 

I posted here a while ago about a new guy I met (we are 28F, 23M). Well, we hit it off and had a near perfect relationship. He is kind, sweet, loving. We discussed long term future, marriage, etc. We dated for 6 months, long distance for 1 month at the end. We were very much in love and had that kind of chemistry and connection that I've never had before (I've had quite a few previous relationships). For the LDR, we see each other every weekend, or every other weekend, and I stay for a week at a time.

 

He was quite insecure, in that if I ever got annoyed at him, it was the end of the world. When we had a fight about something he had done, he would send me page long texts to apologize and tell me how much he loved me. I think this stems from his family. His dad is left when he was a teenager, after being abusive to his mom, and his mom is very controlling. When they fight, she says awful stuff to make him cry, and then will ignore him for days. He moved out of his mom's because she wouldn't let girlfriends stay, and they'd had a massive fight (this went on for three weeks, she made him upset every day). On the last day she basically told him he was dead to her.

 

Anyway. I was visiting him for a week, just after he moved out. It was going great. On the last night (Friday) we were planning to go out to a big club night and so we were drinking. But we got in a fight. I threw his phone away from me and accidentally hit the wall. He pushed me and I tripped and cut myself. Then we both said a lot of pretty mean stuff. I left, slept in my car, came back the next day to find his mom there. He was moving back to his mom's for two weeks. We chatted briefly and then met up later without his mom's knowledge. He wanted to keep the relationship going, he still saw us as forever, he just thought we should take a bit of space and time (i.e. not see each other for a couple weekends). But still talk like normal, still plan for the future, feelings hadn't changed.

 

We chatted like normal until Sunday, when I sent a stupid message bringing up the fight, saying "I think we're over :( tell me I'm remembering wrong about you pushing me, I feel like we're broken". He tried to call and I didn't pick up. Then he wouldn't pick up, reply to any messages, for the whole of that evening. I kept trying to get in touch. I called him in work the next day (Monday) and we spoke very briefly. I asked if we were over "I don't know", could we talk later "I don't know", and then I tried to say more and he just said "we'll talk later" over and over.

 

Well, later he emailed me. Started with "I love you with all my heart". Then outlined a lot of things that I've done, like jealousy, control, demanding. I don't recognize these accusations, and he has never brought any of them up before. He finished the email by saying I'd bombarded him with emotional blackmail, "it's over and there's no going back", don't contact him and leave him alone. (I am slightly annoyed here, since he sent me WAY more messages when he'd done something wrong. He has only done one major thing wrong which I forgave him for. I never ignored him.). This is a complete 180 on what he was saying literally two days before.

 

So obviously... I tried to call him a few times. But gave up within 30 min. Sent him an email apologizing and saying I would respect his wishes to not contact him, but I love him and am always be here if he changed his mind. Also left a whatsapp and voicemail saying the same thing. Probably overkill. Left him alone since then (Monday), completely.

 

Since then, I have seen he's been on facebook a lot. I realized that he is checking to see if I'm online quite a lot - because the "last seen" time of the message updates when he opens it again to check. Our relationship is still up, our profile pics are still of each other.

 

Additionally, he has a Flickr. Two days ago he uploaded of a photo from when we had afternoon tea together (it was an amazing day) and called it "Afternoon tea :D" - he never uses smileys. He also uploaded a photo of a toy I got him that we took together. Fairly personal. These were taken about three weeks ago. Also some of a vacation we took. Is that a message?

 

My questions: do you think this is something I can save? Any advice? And, am I reading too much into the facebook and photo thing?

 

Thank you.

 

TL;DR: relationship ended after one fight, via email. Ex uploaded photo from good times with smiley face. Can I save it? Am I over-analyzing?

frigginlost Established Member

frigginlost

Posted
Posted

Of course you're over analyzing. It's completely normal...

 

Best advice I can give? Give him space. He's confused and angry. Wait until cooler heads prevail. My feeling is that he will reach out...

 

Go to work on yourself right now. Do things you enjoy and try to set your mind at ease...

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imsooooconfused Member

imsooooconfused

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Of course you're over analyzing. It's completely normal...

 

Best advice I can give? Give him space. He's confused and angry. Wait until cooler heads prevail. My feeling is that he will reach out...

 

Go to work on yourself right now. Do things you enjoy and try to set your mind at ease...

 

Thank you for reading and thank you for this advice.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Posted

Why would you want to save a relationship with this much violence & drama in it?

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imsooooconfused Member

imsooooconfused

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Posted (edited)
Why would you want to save a relationship with this much violence & drama in it?

 

This was the first fight we've ever really had. The previous "fights" weren't really. He did over-dramatize things but I think it's because that's all he's known in his past (which I realized now, too late). I want to save it because I love him and feel that he is the "one". I felt like this before the breakup, and he did too.

 

Quick edit: wouldn't say there was violence. He did push me, yes, but he pushes me in a playful way when we joke around. He just pushed a little too hard and I was sitting awkwardly. (I know these sound like excuses)

Edited by imsooooconfused
ThorntonMelon Established Member

ThorntonMelon

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I hope you can appreciate how dysfunctional this man is. You can't right now and no one would expect you to.

 

But you live one life, and the man you marry will be your representation to the world of the person you want as your partner, as well as the man you will be attached to forever. Let me quote you about this man.

 

He was quite insecure

 

if I ever got annoyed at him, it was the end of the world

 

send me page long texts to apologize
- NOTE, the apology is good, but the fact he relies on text to do it is very very avoidant behavior. People here will say that's just the technological age we live in - I assure you, good relationships do NOT rely on text to deal with important issues. You talk. People who use routinely use text for important conversations are either hiding something or have some personality issue within. I'm not talking about the grocery list or "thinking of you". I mean the deep stuff.

 

He moved out of his mom's because she wouldn't let girlfriends stay, and they'd had a massive fight (this went on for three weeks, she made him upset every day).
23 years old and fights with mommy everyday - how is this attractive to you?????

 

But we got in a fight. I threw his phone away from me and accidentally hit the wall. He pushed me and I tripped and cut myself. Then we both said a lot of pretty mean stuff.

 

So he physically acts against women. Nice.

 

then met up later without his mom's knowledge.
Why would his mom need to know what a 23 year old man is doing??

 

Started with "I love you with all my heart". Then outlined a lot of things that I've done, like jealousy, control, demanding.
So he has a screw loose.

He finished the email by saying I'd bombarded him with emotional blackmail, "it's over and there's no going back", don't contact him and leave him alone.

Screw loose.

 

So here's the deal. Yeah, you can get him back. He's not going to find other women easily because most would see through his BS very, very easily.

 

Marry him and you're having an affair by 35 and hating your life by 40 and considering divorce, but just can't get out because there's kids and because he relies on you so much to provide for him.

 

Good luck.

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imsooooconfused Member

imsooooconfused

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Thank you for your reply and your advice. I do see that he clearly has a lot of emotional baggage, and I didn't fully realize it before. But honestly, his good quality more than make up for that. That's how I felt before the break up.

 

His mom is... unwell I think. He feels real obligations to her. She has no one else (through driving them away). She despises me having met me once.

 

At the risk of being utterly self destructive by doing this, how do I get him back?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
At the risk of being utterly self destructive by doing this, how do I get him back?

 

You wait & let him cool off then you reach out again. He might not respond favorably (which will be a blessing). At that point you give up. Beyond that you will become a desperate stalker.

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imsooooconfused Member

imsooooconfused

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Today I noticed that my ex has made a snapchat story that might be applicable to me. The main thing I noticed is that he changed his whatsapp status yesterday. We had emoji nicknames for each other, and our statuses were our personal emoji. Anyway he added my emoji to his status yesterday. Mine still just has my own. This is the first time I've checked either of these.

 

What is this?? Mind games, breadcrumbs? Something else? Ahhh.

Edited by imsooooconfused
ThorntonMelon Established Member

ThorntonMelon

Posted
Posted

Well it's not my business to tell you who to date. I will only say that there are multiple qualities of his that you posted that would be dealbreakers for a lot of people.

 

And from what you posted most recently - he sounds insanely immature.

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imsooooconfused Member

imsooooconfused

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I posted here about a week ago. Short summary: me and my ex split up after fight. He never wanted to speak to me again so I went NC. I noticed that a few days after, he had changed his whatsapp status to something related to me, he liked a photo I uploaded, and a couple other things.

 

I messaged him on Monday about the whatsapp status, asking if he was ok. He replied that he was devastated. We briefly messaged and the gist of it is that he misses me and still loves me, he's been miserable since, can't sleep. But he wants to know that there will be changes for the better, whether in a month, two months, etc. And he will be acting as if he is in a relationship in the meantime. But leave him alone for now.

 

On Monday he updated his whatsapp status to say that he loves me. He hasn't done any more attention seeking like put up photos etc, although I see him checking up on me on facebook.

 

I can expand on any of this if necessary. I really need an outside perspective on what he means. What should I do? I AM working on changing the things about myself that he didn't like (I don't like them either). How long should I give him?

 

Thanks for any help.

Edited by imsooooconfused
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