tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 When you reject friendship. I got this dumped on me awhile back, and I have to say WTF is going on in their heads to say something like this? They dump you, reject you as their love and have the nerve to complain they don't want to lose you? ... You didn't lose me?! You threw me away! Is it just a sign of complete and total selfishness or does it come from somewhere good that I can't see. I was livid when I heard this and I've recently heard of others hearing the same thing. It seems so unbelievably self centered to try and make the dumpee out to be the bad guy, like we don't have enough to feel bad about already
Ordinaryday Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 what I have said to dumpers who said something like this to me is : "you didnt lose me, you made a conscious decision not to be with me anymore. I am simply respecting that decision by moving on with my life and I cant move on with my life if you are around to remind me of what I have lost" there is nothing more to say. 2
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 what I have said to dumpers who said something like this to me is : "you didnt lose me, you made a conscious decision not to be with me anymore. I am simply respecting that decision by moving on with my life and I cant move on with my life if you are around to remind me of what I have lost" there is nothing more to say. Oh yeah, I completely agree. I am more wondering what the heck is going on in their heads that they could even think this. It seems so blatantly self centered, disrespectful and bizarre, I think they really mean it too. They want freedom from the relationship to do whatever they want, but still want you around as an emotional crutch when needed. They don't want to lose all of you, just the parts they don't like and to heck with it's impact on you I'm wondering if it reveals an inherent selfishness or narcissism that actually indicates the true character of the person. Or is it more innocuous then I am thinking it is?
Ordinaryday Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 Oh yeah, I completely agree. I am more wondering what the heck is going on in their heads that they could even think this. It seems so blatantly self centered, disrespectful and bizarre, I think they really mean it too. They want freedom from the relationship to do whatever they want, but still want you around as an emotional crutch when needed. They don't want to lose all of you, just the parts they don't like and to heck with it's impact on you I'm wondering if it reveals an inherent selfishness or narcissism that actually indicates the true character of the person. Or is it more innocuous then I am thinking it is? I sort of know what goes on in their minds when they throw out things like this and most (not all) dont do it out of malice or trying to be nasty, they just simply fail to comprehend that you feel differently to them they were able to lose all romantic feelings for you and feel nothing for you romantically anymore, and yet they still might want to chat, so they think that they can still be friends with you... they dont realise that you dont feel the same way they do and they believe that since they have no problem with being just friends they dont see why you would have a problem. in other words they are not being intentionally mean or nasty. they are just completely egocentric and cant comprehend for one moment that you might feel differently to them, 1
Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 I can completely understand the OP's question, and he has said pretty much what I would have said in regards to why the dumper said what they have. It's an act of selfishness & it's like they just want to use you when they feel the need to lean on you. The dumpee should turn the tables at this point & tell them that they do not wish to be associated with someone who you once loved, hurt you & destroyed you emotionally so there will now be no reason for them to speak again to the dumper. 1
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 in other words they are not being intentionally mean or nasty. they are just completely egocentric and cant comprehend for one moment that you might feel differently to them, Yes, I agree with that. To me though, it is pathological selfishness that indicates this person probably isn't a good life partner. I don't think they are being mean, just that they only care what they want, so much so that they can't see the inherent contradiction in "I am dumping you despite all your crying and hurting, but I don't want to lose you". They believe the other person should accept the relationship on the exact terms they want it to be, otherwise they are the jerk. It's f'd
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 I can completely understand the OP's question, and he has said pretty much what I would have said in regards to why the dumper said what they have. It's an act of selfishness & it's like they just want to use you when they feel the need to lean on you. The dumpee should turn the tables at this point & tell them that they do not wish to be associated with someone who you once loved, hurt you & destroyed you emotionally so there will now be no reason for them to speak again to the dumper. There ya go my friend. See them for what they are, not what you imagine them to be 2
Missy0724 Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 Yes, agree with all these posts...This is EXACTLY what dumper did, said to me. And it was, "close friends"! And for a while, because of my emotional state, still having hope for reconciliation, I took that as he maybe wanted to start over as friends? But silly me, blind and a wreck, did not realized that he NEVER said those words, "start over..." Three months later and a difficult, painful three months later! I see clearly now. :-) Yes, it's bc they no longer have romantic feelings for us, but they still want to satisfy their own egos, to have us in their lives, somehow. They lack EMPATHY. They are just selfish people, wrapped up in what is best for THEM. Which of course, we all have to do what is best for us, but there is a difference... I know in my situation, it was for selfish reasons, to ease his own pain and guilt, to try to look like a "bigger person" or whatever, after dumping me. Also to make himself look "good" to others: parents, ex wife, kids, etc. Because that is the kind of person he is. Making sure he looks "lovable", "OK", etc. after a second failed relationship. (He cheated on wife - she divorced him.) So he wanted to me to "be in his life" some how... for HIM. Nothing to do with me. I found this out bc I went along for it for awhile, to try the "friends" thing. Found out, NOPE. First, bc my feelings were still all over the place, and also he did not act like a friend, with things he said to me, very rude and insensitive. Bragging about all the fun he having, now that we broken up, had a date, etc. That was the nail in the coffin. Finally cut all ties. Feels very good. I am now able to move on. Yes, still processing everything. But that is OK. So much easier, able to see clearer, not as emotional, I know I will have no more set backs, bc we have NC. Maybe in months, years, we could be acquaintances? But then again, I don't know. BC we have different values, how treat people. He is very immature and selfish, wrapped up in himself... So not sure I want to waste my time with someone like that. And by then, I will have def moved on... People come and go from our lives. This is reality. And that is OK. Hard to see it when we are in pain, but everyone who crosses our paths, serves a purpose, learning opportunity, growth, for US. And we have to try to be grateful for that. That we have loved, and been loved. And we will love, and be loved again! :-)
Ordinaryday Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 Yes, I agree with that. To me though, it is pathological selfishness that indicates this person probably isn't a good life partner. I don't think they are being mean, just that they only care what they want, so much so that they can't see the inherent contradiction in "I am dumping you despite all your crying and hurting, but I don't want to lose you". They believe the other person should accept the relationship on the exact terms they want it to be, otherwise they are the jerk. It's f'd you hit the nail on the head. it is selfish because they ONLY care about their needs and their needs are that they dont want you in their life romantically but they do want you "as a friend" and they just want you to accept this.... they never considered at all that maybe this arrangement doesnt work for you. they ONLY care about their own needs, and not what it might be doing to you. some "friend"!
Missy0724 Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 Ladies - Great break up book I suggest: "It's Called Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy" by Greg Behrendt. Good stuff, and funny read. It really helped me! As did many other "Moving Forward" books... Good luck!
Daisy1339 Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 When you reject friendship. I got this dumped on me awhile back, and I have to say WTF is going on in their heads to say something like this? They dump you, reject you as their love and have the nerve to complain they don't want to lose you? ... You didn't lose me?! You threw me away! Is it just a sign of complete and total selfishness or does it come from somewhere good that I can't see. I was livid when I heard this and I've recently heard of others hearing the same thing. It seems so unbelievably self centered to try and make the dumpee out to be the bad guy, like we don't have enough to feel bad about already I don't know your story, so I would ask, did you cheat on the dumper? If this the case then you need to feel the hurt they went through. I went through this. My husband cheated on me only 2 months after my wedding. So yes I hated what he did but I still love him. This will take long time to let go. It is not easy for me to just throw him out of my life so yes I would dump him but at the same time don't want to lose because I still love him despite what he did to me. Like I said I don't know your story but I kind of understand dumpers!
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 I don't know your story, so I would ask, did you cheat on the dumper? If this the case then you need to feel the hurt they went through. I went through this. My husband cheated on me only 2 months after my wedding. So yes I hated what he did but I still love him. This will take long time to let go. It is not easy for me to just throw him out of my life so yes I would dump him but at the same time don't want to lose because I still love him despite what he did to me. Like I said I don't know your story but I kind of understand dumpers! No I did not, never even thought about other girls. fwiw.. I think when someone cheats, gets caught and then dumped. The roles of the dumper and dumpee don't work the way they normally do. He violated the relationship in a serious way, and in effect "dumped" you first imo. He was just too cowardly to actually do it, but his actions did it.
lauri Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 Its funny you brought this up... In my case, it was my ex not wanting me to move on. Its almost like she wanted me to suffer at the expense of her feeling better about herself, so she could determine she didn't make a mistake / give her that ego boost while shes banging another dude. When an ex says, "I don't want to lose you" its almost the same as saying "I don't want you to move on". See how mad an ex girlfriend gets if you move on immediately after she dumps you, its almost like she feels insulted that you are moving on from her! 1
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 you hit the nail on the head. it is selfish because they ONLY care about their needs and their needs are that they dont want you in their life romantically but they do want you "as a friend" and they just want you to accept this.... they never considered at all that maybe this arrangement doesnt work for you. they ONLY care about their own needs, and not what it might be doing to you. some "friend"! Yep! To me though, it even goes beyond empathy for the dumpee (which of course is a big deal). All you said is true, maybe it's the choice of words that I am hung up on.. "don't want to lose you", makes it seem like it's something the dumpee is doing, rather then what they did
mightycpa Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 See how mad an ex girlfriend gets if you move on immediately after she dumps you, its almost like she feels insulted that you are moving on from her! I have to tell you, it's a pretty empty feeling when they don't seem to care about that either. Either way, it ain't easy. 1
Daisy1339 Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 No I did not, never even thought about other girls. fwiw.. I think when someone cheats, gets caught and then dumped. The roles of the dumper and dumpee don't work the way they normally do. He violated the relationship in a serious way, and in effect "dumped" you first imo. He was just too cowardly to actually do it, but his actions did it. Well my husband still don't accept what he did was cheating so I think that is my problem getting back to the relationship. Honesty is very important but unfortunately he still lies and I know he is. After all I thought I'm going to give him another chance. We are going to a couple therapist but until he stop lying I don't think even therapist can help us. I feel for you But I know the other side of the story! It's hard!
Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 They lack EMPATHY. They are just selfish people, wrapped up in what is best for THEM. Which of course, we all have to do what is best for us, but there is a difference... I know in my situation, it was for selfish reasons, to ease his own pain and guilt, to try to look like a "bigger person" or whatever, after dumping me. Also to make himself look "good" to others: parents, ex wife, kids, etc. Because that is the kind of person he is. Making sure he looks "lovable", "OK", etc. after a second failed relationship. (He cheated on wife - she divorced him.) Exactly!!! The no empathy-thing is sickening. If you read my thread "Ex passes by while I was on a date"... you will see similarities. My ex is also very much somebody who overappreciates "reputation" and "what others think". Sounds like you figured out things and you're really moving on. Good for you!!!
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