Uncommon and exceptionally frustrating problem with a girl... Need serious peeps

[NamelessFFS]

Hello,

 

I have the problem that I have the same name as the ex of the girl I'm seeing, which she hates because her ex gave her horrible memories.

 

This is the first and only time I'm ever gonna ask something like this on the internet, because I just really, really need some advice/opinions more than ever right now. And because I'm so fu'n serious, I'm gonna describe everything detailed in a seriously long ass post, so if you can't even be arsed to take 5 minutes and read it to help me, then please, kindly move on. However, it's a real opportunity to prove yourself to everyone who feels they really know everything about this stuff and have it all figured out.

 

In other words, I'm gonna need serious people with serious and thougtful replies and my post is long partially so that only that kind of people will be reading it.

 

This all is because my former girlfriend, whom I broke up with some 11 months ago, stabbed me in a way that had me suffer in hell for half a year and while I've been completely over it for months I am still just really scared to experience that horror again - seeing how it's worse than death. Therefore I am more willing than ever to do what it takes to prevent that from happening.

 

So let's begin;

 

A while ago a new girl I turned out to like a lot moved into the apartment complex I live in... in the apartment right next to mine, actually. And in case it may be of any relevance to you; she's 22, while I'm 23. Being neighbours, we automatically got to speak to each other. This soon turned out into hanging out and chatting all the time and upon realizing how well we fit together, all the signs started to show when we went to things like parties with other friends from the same complex: constantly glazing into my eyes with that typical stare, always making sure to sit right and close next to me, laugh at **** I say that's not even intended to be funny and touch me a lot in a 'pranky' way but sometimes more intimate, like laying her head on my shoulder (only to retract it again after a few seconds, however). One day her sister was over at her place and she immediately took the opportunity to introduce me to her, asking me to come over that night. It was great fun, which showed by how it was 5 am when I left; and the sister had accidentally slipped out that my neighbour had been talking to her about me all the time on their trip home.

 

This has now been going on for several weeks and in all the time we've spent together and getting to know each other, I found that I like her a big deal. I truly feel that we very well could be ideal for each other. Besides that everything just seems to be going epicly well, we glue together and everything just feels right. Hell, I even cooked for her when she was sick. I cook for no one.

 

She also appreciated that a lot, obviously.

 

I don't easily reach this point with someone, but I was absolutely certain this time that this was a right one: I wanted to tell her how much I like her, really ask her out and take things higher up. However, right on the night when I went to tell her that, she first suddenly began talking about her ex.

 

You see, this ex was a person who shared the same first name as me. She has brought that up a few times in the form of a joke, but I feel it's gnawing on her mind. She was in a relationship with this ex for 5 years, while it's been over for quite some time. She still spoke about it frequently, though, and told me how he treated her really badly and ultimately ran off with someone else, just dumping her with a lame text message. Also, while she claims she doesn't give a crap about her ex anymore and is completely over it and always calls him a jerk or douchebag, I still feel she still has issues with it. Perhaps BECAUSE she often calls him bad names and still mentions this past relationship at times. She also does still talk or visit some of her ex's family members, because she simply loved those people a lot and misses them (don't know if this is a good or bad thing; I guess a bit of both, but she says she's convinced it's fully rational), while completely avoiding the ex himself.

 

Well, back to the night I went to tell her about how I feel: eventually she dropped a sentence that is still poking my mind. She said: "Too bad you have the wrong name." It was in a joking context, but never did I feel more like the saying "there's a grain of truth in every joke" applied here. By the way, she has even asked me if I'd like to choose a nickname she could call me by, but the suggestions weren't too staggering and I really like to just carry the name that is my name. Anyways , I'm really afraid my name is reminding her of the bad experiences with her ex and the guy himself and is actually starting to form a problem.

 

It really was like a switch was turned that evening, which was last evening, by the way. Everything went effing great and while we hadn't done a lot of intimate **** yet seeing how we've only known each other for three weeks (just a bit of cuddling but no kissing - except for me on her cheeks/forehead), we both knew this was leading somewhere. That's why I was shocked by what she said a minute after saying I have the wrong name. It haunts me right now. Out of nowhere, like a thunder at clear skies, she mentioned the following horrifying sentence: "Ugh, I'm glad I don't have a boyfriend right now, I can't think of it."

 

There it is. The most disgraceful shyte of a sentence in all of mankind. If it were possible to murder and straight out beat a live sentence to death, this is the one I'd gladly do the prison time for.

 

I stood there with a pokerface, watching her eyes, reading from the look on them that she very well knew how unnatural and sudden this dropped in the situation we were in. I've heard this sentence before. The first time I got it, when I was still without any experience, I still told the girl how I felt about her. This completely destroyed everything, even the opportunity to remain friends, which I would've liked. Second time I was like screw it and moved on instantly. Any way: when someone told me that sentence, it always resulted in ruining our connection.

 

And seeing how those girls in the past were nothing all too serious and just mere flings compared to this one, who I've begun to like more than any other ever, I really don't want that to happen this time around. Therefore I decided to at least wait with telling her/asking her out or to take it to the next level (it's not as if she doesn't already know that I want to, though) and because I well know how often the sentence simply means she's not interested in you, which could still be a possibility of course, I decided to lay low while still spending the entire evening with her. I didn't even dare to really touch her anymore, though, her comment felt too bad.

 

Especially because I think that in the end, most likely it is all because of my freaking name and not even because she doesn't like me enough.

 

I mean, I've had some weird **** but never a case where my name was going to be a problem because an ex had the same one. And seeing how I wouldn't be able to comprehend the for whatever reason incredibly, insanely complicated female brain in a million lifetimes, I especially am at a loss for what to do in an unusual case like this one. And I mean, not even a woman could reject a dude she has huge potential with only because of some word his parents gave him, right? That would really feel abnormal to me at least, and definitely no reason to stop what we have going on. I mean, it wouldn't even remind her of her ex anymore after a while to begin with... so can women really be THAT dramatic?

 

The fault in myself is probably that I'm likely a little too afraid to just make a move like this (because of the stuff mentioned in the beginning of this post), as I feel I should perhaps still have told her, or at least should have wrapped my arm around her again. Didn't even do that anymore. But that's the reason I'm posting this. This time, because I so seriously want her, I want opinions on what I should do, before just doing it. I wanted to post here first.

 

So what are your thoughts? What could be going on inside her head? Could it be me after all, having moved too slowly and getting a rather early friendzonde (known her for three weeks) even though nothing even remotely indicated that, or could I have gone too fast instead?

 

Or could it really just be my name? And if it'd be the case, should I let this be a reason to move on, or should I not give up because of something so silly? These kind of questions... Perhaps the reason's a bit of both, who knows. Is it likely this was the "I'm not interested in you" version of the "I'm not looking for a boyfriend" sentence or, seeing this context, could it be something else? Something that has to do with my name reminding her of her ex?

 

So ultimately, should I keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens, should I be a bit more layed down or instead more intimate to impress her or whatever, or should I wait 'till she finds the name issue isn't really an issue (if that ever even happens)? Do whatever to prove her it isn't? Or is it more likely reason to move on, no matter the context/reason..?

 

That last option would already be a huge blow at this point, so I hope not. It's just that I don't know and have no clue what to try or do. Please help me by giving me some info on that, especially if you're a woman you might know how she feels and why. I don't want to lose this.

 

Kind regards,

 

NamelessFFS

[mightycpa]

She is obviously not over her ex if you sharing his name is a problem in your relationship. My GF has the same name as a trifling chick I used to date years ago, but I don't hold it against her.

 

If I were you, I would run away from this girl, pronto. This problem of hers is just ridiculous.

 

Yeah. ^^^ that. I had a FWB who had the same name as an ex, and although it didn't stop me, it made me think of her whenever I heard the name. I was not quite over the ex yet, and while it wasn't a showstopper, it was a real distraction and made me, I'm not sure of the word. Uncomfortable? Something a little less than that. But I was not oblivious to the name. I couldn't keep it going for very long, and I just felt the need to drop out.

[FitChick]

I didn't read your novel. Tell her to make up a pet name for you. Or tell her that you will create good memories that will erase the bad ones so when she hears your name she will always feel happy.

[Assasda]

I read most of that stupid novel.

I give it a 3/10 - it could have been much more concise.

 

Anyway, you seem to watch a lot of rom-coms and think that declaring your love for a woman will lead you somewhere.

You put undue emotional needy pressure on the girl and she just wanted a way to back out.

 

Thats about it.

The name garbage is.... garabage

[GemmaUK]

If you speak to her the way you post then perhaps you have scared her off.

You seem highly over emotional in your post and over invested for someone you have only known a short time.

 

I think maybe her name issue was her gentle way of saying she isn't interested in you in that way.

[d0nnivain]

Dating your next door neighbor is problematic. It's like a work place romance. What happens when you break up? Do you really want to see who is coming & going from her apartment next?

 

Logistics aside, if she is that hung up on the EX & you share a name, that may be tough. If it's a common name like John or Mike perhaps the lady doth protest too much but it may be an excuse to get over the proximity thing.

 

A friend of mine had bad luck with guys named Jim. Her high school love OD'd. Her 1st husband died in a car crash when their son was 1. When her 2nd husband came along, the minute she found out his name was Jim she wanted nothing to do with him because she was petrified he'd die if they got together. He pursued her & they have been happily married for almost 10 years.