I broke up with my ex 3 months ago. Now I wish I hadn't.

[Nimiety]

Hey everyone! This is probably going to end up as more of a journalling thing, but any advice other than "move on and forget her" (don't waste your time; I know that's an option, and I haven't chosen to take it yet. I want this gal back, whether it's next week, next month, or next year) is welcome!

 

 

So, I met this really great gal back in January. She was smart, caring, funny, charming, and beautiful. We dated for 5 months, and in that time I developed some very strong feelings for her.

 

Unfortunately, little did I know at the time, I was in the midst of a quite identity crisis. A lot had happened in the two years previous to meeting her, and it was all starting to come to a head. I had lost faith in my family. I had recently finished up my school work. I was working short term contract jobs, and the jobs were drying up. By May I was no longer in school, no longer employed, and not on good terms with my parents.

 

This is all important, because I had developed a poor personal identity. I identified as someone who came from a stable and functional family (but then I learned how dysfunctional it was!), as a student (and then I graduated!), and as a provider (and suddenly I was unemployed!). My identity had been built with fleeting external labels, and those labels... Well, they didn't apply anymore. I didn't know who I was anymore.

 

As my idea of myself fell apart, our relationship suffered. We fought more and more. Eventually, I decided to end things. I had reached such a low point, that I just didn't believe I deserved to be with someone as good as this woman, and I was convinced that she was going to dump me.

 

So I acted first.

 

Worse, I told her that I was struggling with my self-confidence, and I told her that I didn't believe I deserved her. She said she'd stand with me! But I told her not to wait for me. Not because I didn't want her to, but because I chose to play the martyr. I thought I was being selfless, but I was being so incredibly selfish.

 

She took that to mean "I'm just trying to let you down easy".

 

Two weeks later, she was going out on dates. Three weeks after our breakup, she met someone. A month after our breakup, I couldn't stand seeing her with someone else, so I pitched a hissy fit (over an unrelated issue) and went NC.

 

This summer, I hit rock bottom, and started to put myself back together. Today, I'm not 100%, but I'm starting to feel things like self-esteem and self-confidence again. I'm starting to believe in myself again!

 

And I really, really miss my ex.

 

I got in touch on Labour Day, and texted her just to see how she was. She seemed friendly, but distracted. She said she wasn't ready to be friends again, but that she thought I was a really great guy, and hoped that I was doing well. I told her that I was doing well. I also told her that she was a really great gal, and that I hoped that she was doing well. She wouldn't tell me how she was doing. Just reiterated that she hoped I was doing well, and that I had no cause to regret anything I did.

 

Well, I do regret what I did. I acted like a total ass at the very end. That weighed on me, so today, after giving it 10 days or so since last contact, I sent an apology email. No expectations or anything -- I even told her I didn't expect a reply -- but I laid it out flat. I told her I was sorry for walking away, that I was sorry for telling her not to wait, and that I was sorry for breaking up. I let her know I thought those were bad choices on my part. I also let her know that I didn't want to interfere with her and her current BF (the guy I pitched the hissy over).

 

It was good to get that all off of my chest.

 

She did reply, much to my surprise. It was polite, but distant. She said (with some edits for brevity and privacy):

 

I appreciate the effort you put into your message and it's nice to hear... there are no hard feelings on my side at all. I have moved on and am happy now and I thank you for being there for me before. You really don't need to feel bad about anything. I still hope things are going well and improving for you as well.

 

Obviously, not the ideal response, but it is what it is. I'm glad she's happy. I'm not happy she's "moved on", though.

 

I'm also not really convinced that she's moved on, but I know she's trying.

 

Obviously, I don't want to interfere with her current relationship. That wouldn't do me any favours. It wouldn't get me any closer to getting back together with her if she thought I was playing games or trying to interfere with her happiness. And I do want her to be happy.

 

This relationship is still new, and I know most relationships don't last. I also think that this is a "rebound", and that she's still a little mad at me, but unwilling to admit it. But I know not all "rebound" relationships fall apart in short order.

 

I just really want to have this woman back in my life. Ideally as a partner, but even if that's not an option, as a friend. She doesn't seem to want the same from me right now, however. She's acting too cold, while telling me how great a guy I am, to believe she just doesn't want me around because she doesn't like me anymore.

 

Ugh. I'm going to be kicking myself over this for a long, loooong time.

[No Limit]

This telling you what a great guy you are is pure politeness on her part (perhaps with some pity mixed in if she doesn't know you're doing better now). And the rest, sorry, is just you making yourself more hope.

 

Good luck. I hope you won't waste more than a few months on waiting.

[Nimiety]

Maybe it's pure politeness, but I'm more inclined to believe it's either a passive-aggressive move (a back-at-you for telling her, back when we broke up, that I would want to get back together again -- which was true, by the way. I meant it in all honesty. I just needed space.), or her way of saying that she's not ready.

 

My first contact with her a couple weeks ago, she didn't say she didn't want to be friends, but that she "wasn't quite there yet". Again, yes, maybe that was just doublespeak for "I don't ever want to see you again, but I don't want to say so", but I can also take it at face value, and believe that she's not ready now to see me, but she might be in the future.

 

 

I do understand how this false hope game is played. I also figure out pretty quickly when I'm fooling myself. But more importantly, I know this woman, and I know her well. Far better than the 6 months we spent together might seem.

 

I'm also not waiting by the phone or anything. I'm dating, I'm just not seeing anyone seriously. And I have no interest in seeing anyone seriously, until I know for certain that my ex is totally committed and in a relationship for the long haul.

[hedyo]

If you want to reconcile, be direct. Lots of dumpers say that they miss their ex, or feel like that they made a mistake. For someone who's been betrayed, that is not enough. Especially if you're with someone new who is treating you well. Say you know she's with someone else now, but that if she ever wants to try again, you would be open to that. Then leave it at that. It's too early to be friends, so just make your intentions crystal clear, and leave her alone.

[Nimiety]

I do think that's my plan, yeah. I let her know in my apology letter that I still had feelings for her, and that I'm open to reconnecting in the future. I've said my piece, and planted my seeds, and now I just need to sit back, wait, and see if they grow.

 

Her current BF is a student in a post-graduate programme, and it's just September now. I lost a long term relationship to the rigours of post-graduate schooling, and so has everyone I went to school with. In the two years it took me to complete my masters programme, everyone in the programme with me saw their romantic relationships go up in flames.

 

I got my apologies off my chest, I let her know that I now see breaking up with her as a mistake, and I let her know that I'd like to try again some day.

 

Now, it's back to no contact. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and I'm going to use this time to really put the last few pieces of myself back together.

 

 

I had a coffee date the other day with a really nice woman. It was a lot of fun! It was a no-pressure date, as she's just gotten out of a long term relationship, and is just looking to meet people. Similarly, I'm also just looking to meet people and practice my social skills. We both knew this going in. I can't say I got the impression that she was enamoured, but it was a good use of an hour on a mid-week afternoon.

 

The funny thing about it is that, yesterday, I just ran into her on the street as she was leaving work. It was an unexpected reminder of just how small a town I live in.

 

 

I start two new jobs on Monday, which I'm really excited about. One is a part time faculty job at the local university, where I'm a lab instructor this year. I've only recently graduated from this same school, so I'll be working with all of my friends again, at least through to December. Then hopefully I'll pick up another lab or class in January.

 

The other job is a research position at a local technology start-up. Strictly speaking, it's an internship, but it has the promise of becoming a paid position within a couple of months. Once that happens -- or I'm able to turn this internship into a paid position elsewhere -- I'll finally have something resembling a middle-class income again. In the interim, my faculty job and some private tutoring are managing to pay the bills.

 

Fall is nearly upon is, and the recent snow storm in the prairies has reminded me that winter is coming, so I've taken some of my newly found income and invested some of it into a gym membership. I've been running the streets daily for over a month now, and I've dropped nearly two inches from my waistline, but I don't want the chill and the oncoming ice to derail my progress. Also, it's been a while since I've had access to proper weight machines, and while I'm not looking to get super cut or anything, as I drop weight I'd prefer there to be something on my frame. So, I'm looking forward to making a twice weekly trip to the gym.

 

Once I'm able to turn my internship into a paying job, I'd also like to start taking martial arts classes. I used to take judo, which was fun, but it's been years now, and I'd like something with a little more cardio to it. Also, it's supposed to build confidence (and as I'm in a rebuilding phase, now seems like the prime time to just plug in a confidence module!), and I've been told that the ability to defend one's self is sexy (though maybe that's just the confidence that comes with knowing you can -- either way, I want me some of that).

 

I might go out for drinks with friends tonight. Haven't really decided one way or another. It'll be good to get out of the house, but I also go way over budget. Heh. Well, maybe I can show some restraint for once, keep some money in my pocket, and not blow my calorie budget for the day, and still hang out with folks tonight.

[Nimiety]

A friend was working an observatory tour last night, and she asked me to help out, so I spent my evening showing off the university's telescope. It had a pretty good turn out, but a lot of people were hoping to spot the northern lights, and the aurora just didn't want to play ball.

 

My friends and I ended up driving outside of town after the tour was over in hopes of having a better shot at seeing something, but it was no use. As usual, people were getting some great views all over the place, just not where I was!

 

I had a fairly packed late morning/early afternoon planned, but a friend called this morning asking if I'd spot her while she went rock climbing, and that turned into my day. It was good to get out of the city, and it's been a while since she and I have had the opportunity to talk and hang out. She's been going through a lot this summer herself, so was good to feel like I was on the listening end of complaining and able to offer up emotional support, rather feeling like the only one who has needed to lean on someone over the past little while.

 

The rock climbing and hiking were pretty tiring, but I want to get some jogging in tonight, and then hopefully get to bed early. It was an exhausting afternoon, but I'm so close to fitting into my "skinny" jeans, and really want to be able to wear them by the time the temperatures crash and I'm back to wearing long pants. The winter jacket I bought from the vintage clothing store back in the spring, though, fits like a glove now, and I'm really excited about getting to bust that thing out once the snow starts to fly!

[AquanoxSerp]

Sorry to smash your ego, but frankly you and every male on here who sees no problem with your behavior need to get over yourselves.

 

I think she's handled this like a champ and even though you have bouts here and there of being sorry the very fact you DOUBT she's moved on and think SHE'S the passive aggressive one when you dumped her stinks of mulish pride and male machoism that ruins relationships that were otherwise loving and supportive.

 

Let her go, improve yourself and own up to the fact that you broke her heart and let a wonderful someone go. And yes you'll regret it but it's your fault and by owning up to it you can become a better person.

 

If you don't, at the very least leave her alone and spare her of someone who is crying because they lost their narcissistic supply.

 

So man up and OWN up.

[Summerrose2013]

I do think that's my plan, yeah. I let her know in my apology letter that I still had feelings for her, and that I'm open to reconnecting in the future. I've said my piece, and planted my seeds, and now I just need to sit back, wait, and see if they grow.

 

I got my apologies off my chest, I let her know that I now see breaking up with her as a mistake, and I let her know that I'd like to try again some day.

 

Your poor ex hasn't got a clue that you want to get back with her - you are pussy footing around - sounds like you are just wanting to keep her as an option. My ex told me all of these things BUT he never wanted to get back together and in the end I told him to get lost and stop contacting me with his pathetic self serving breadcrumbs. If you really want her back just ask her outright. Not 'someday' 'friends' blah blah.

 

Did you want to get back together until you saw her with another bloke or is this just driven by jealousy? Actions speak louder than words, if you really want this girl back you are going to have to PROVE it to her and work your ass off proving it to her and re-gaining her trust. If you get her back again, are you going to get bored of her again - or are you going to man up and learn to communicate with her like an adult rather than pushing the woman you say you love away again....be very sure before you even think about putting this poor girl through any more pain.

 

If you really love her, sometimes it really is better to walk away.....

[ThorntonMelon]

If you want to journal here, cool. But what I see is someone who's really struggling emotionally who refuses to see reality. She tells you clearly she's not interested in talking to you right now, and you interpret that as hard to get. No seed was planted. No hope exists. I say this not to be rude, just to provide perspective.

[Nimiety]

Sorry to smash your ego, but frankly you and every male on here who sees no problem with your behavior need to get over yourselves.

 

What's my behaviour? Because you're not smashing my ego, you're just making vague insults. I would love to know what I'm doing wrong, but as of right now my behaviours have been: 1) Email an apology. 2) Write about my feelings. 3) Jog. Specific constructive feedback is always welcome.

 

Yeah, I have my doubts about her having moved on, but I've done nothing to act on those doubts, and I freely admit that I could be wrong about them. My doubts are based on the relationship I had with her, and how quickly she moved on to someone else. They're not conclusive in the least.

 

I know I hurt her. I wish I hadn't. I hope she forgives me, at least some day. Doesn't change the fact that I miss her.

 

She can be an A hole to me all she wants, if ever she wishes to take the opportunity. I don't remember doing anything to you, on the other hand.

 

 

Your poor ex hasn't got a clue that you want to get back with her - you are pussy footing around - sounds like you are just wanting to keep her as an option. My ex told me all of these things BUT he never wanted to get back together and in the end I told him to get lost and stop contacting me with his pathetic self serving breadcrumbs. If you really want her back just ask her outright. Not 'someday' 'friends' blah blah.

 

Hmm. Really? If I didn't suspect that she was seeing someone (although, she's never confirmed that she is, so maybe I shouldn't make assumptions), I'd have told her straight up that I want to try again. I might not deserve a second chance in her eyes, but I'd at least have been more direct about it and ready to take my lumps. There's something about the possibility of there being another man in the picture that makes me not want to come on too strongly. I don't want her to think I'm just coming around because I want to cause trouble, you know?

 

She's been with someone else since before I went NC on her. This isn't a revelation to me. It doesn't really play into my wanting her back. It just complicates things. Makes it so I don't know what the right thing to do is.

 

And I never got bored of her. That's an awful characterization. I had a nervous breakdown and didn't know how to handle anything in my life. It wasn't our relationship I screwed up. It wasn't our relationship that fell apart. It was my life, and everything in it.

 

And no, if I get her back, I won't be doing any more pushing away. It took me two months of struggling to piece my life back together -- and I'm not done doing that yet! -- to realize it was a mistake to try to do that on my own. To realize that I should have accepted her help, and that accepting her help wouldn't have been a sign of weakness on my part.

 

But I felt weak. I felt unworthy. And I enacted a self-fulfilling prophecy.