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Any chance I can fix this?

jbliss

By jbliss
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jbliss Member

jbliss

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Posted (edited)
Are you absolutely sure that you can handle him rejecting you... or even not taking you seriously?

 

To him you are a walking red flag (Sorry, but from his perspective, you need to understand, it wasn't pretty).

 

There is a chance you can turn it around, but you need to be ready for the worst case scenario even if you are hoping for the best.

 

I can absolutely handle rejection. Of course it doesn't feel nice, but I get over it pretty quickly and I've never taken it personally before, so why should I now? I know what I'm worth and if he doesn't want me, then it's his loss. What I can't handle is not having closure. I don't have any experience with that, and I suspect that the reason I freaked out before was due to a nasty combination of post-break-up blues and a sneaking suspicion that he wasn't into me anymore and just not man enough to say it. So, actually, rejection would be as welcome as acceptance, because I would be able to move on pretty much immediately.

 

Not taking me seriously would maybe be a bit rough, but I think I could deal with it, especially given what I want from him. I know over time, if there is to be much of a future, I could regain his respect. Not that my life would revolve around trying to do so, but because under normal circumstances I am a respectable human being ;)

 

I think I also made the situation out to be a lot more dramatic than it actually was. He never saw the melt down that I described here. Actually, his last message to me before I f*cked up and asked him to see me again after saying I wasn't ready was along the lines of "hey, you really didn't scare me off. i'm just incredibly stressed right now. actually wanted to ask you if you wanted to do something on thursday. well, definitely get back to me when you think it's a good idea. i wish you all the best until then and hopefully hear from you soon!"

Edited by jbliss
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
So, I'm not sure how to proceed with this situation.

 

First of all, I'll give an update regarding my temporary insanity. I'm emotionally stable again, got my confidence back, no longer feeling needy, obsessing, or overthinking. I also know and feel that I don't need this guy or any other in my life. I have neither the time nor the desire for a boyfriend or a serious relationship. What I wanted when I met him and what I still want now? This:

 

 

 

Most of you think I should leave him alone once and for all, and maybe I should. After my behaviour, the chemistry is probably gone anyway. But some of you think I could turn this around, though I don't really know how. Despite and probably because of the fact that I've got my head back on my shoulders, I can feel that it's not the right time to contact him again, so I'm not going to yet. But if and when it does feel right, what should I tell him? I'm not looking for exact words, but maybe some points I should cover. I wrote an email (that I have not sent and will not send anytime soon!) that contains the following:

 

  • apology for the drama
  • acknowledgement that I was unstable and needed time
  • assurance that what I was looking for before the break-up is still what I'm looking for now
  • short explanation about why I broke up with my boyfriend
  • clarification that I'm not afraid of getting attached, but rather of getting strung along and that I don't want to play games
  • that I'd be happy to hear from him, even if he just tells me that he doesn't want to see me anymore, which I can handle and will respect

 

What do you guys think? And how long should I wait after I'm feeling better? Do I need to be 100% better? I feel like I'm at 75% now.

OK, so maybe I am still overthinking things a bit ;)

\

 

 

Girl... No.

 

One generally does not suddenly become emotionally stable again after a few days. You need a good amount of time to recover and get your head cleared. It's obvious from your planned email that you aren't there yet. Do not send it to him. If I had broken it off with someone and he sent me an email like that, I would probably feel very awkward. It would likely reinforce my decision to end things. You are way over-explaining yourself to a guy you weren't serious with in the first place. It is unnecessary and a tad cringe-worthy, to be perfectly honest.

 

I understand you want closure. But you got that when he called it off. Maybe not on your terms and as you need it, but it's already done. Take a deep breath and really step back. Let some time pass and learn to be happy on your own first. If you want to keep the door open with him, send a brief and casual message or email in a few weeks. Perhaps ask him to meet for a coffee and catch up. Keep it light. Avoid confessionals and long-winded explanations. Be prepared for any type of response from him: positive, negative, neutral or none at all.

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Jules Dash Established Member

Jules Dash

Posted
Posted
I can absolutely handle rejection. Of course it doesn't feel nice, but I get over it pretty quickly and I've never taken it personally before, so why should I now? I know what I'm worth and if he doesn't want me, then it's his loss. What I can't handle is not having closure. I don't have any experience with that, and I suspect that the reason I freaked out before was due to a nasty combination of post-break-up blues and a sneaking suspicion that he wasn't into me anymore and just not man enough to say it. So, actually, rejection would be as welcome as acceptance, because I would be able to move on pretty much immediately.

 

Not taking me seriously would maybe be a bit rough, but I think I could deal with it, especially given what I want from him. I know over time, if there is to be much of a future, I could regain his respect. Not that my life would revolve around trying to do so, but because under normal circumstances I am a respectable human being ;)

 

I think I also made the situation out to be a lot more dramatic than it actually was. He never saw the melt down that I described here. Actually, his last message to me before I f*cked up and asked him to see me again after saying I wasn't ready was along the lines of "hey, you really didn't scare me off. i'm just incredibly stressed right now. actually wanted to ask you if you wanted to do something on thursday. well, definitely get back to me when you think it's a good idea. i wish you all the best until then and hopefully hear from you soon!"

 

I seriously doubt you would be any thing more than sex if he even decided to start messing around with you again. I don't think he will.

azureorb Member

azureorb

Posted
Posted

Wait -- first guy you liked in years WHILE having what you call a BOYFRIEND? That has disaster written all over it.

 

Good News: If you made it clear to the guy you were in an open-relationship, and he got to pork you silly like he did -- he's not going to be attached. He's going to want to wet his whistle after shucking down your panties, which is exactly what you were looking for. You both made out well, and you don't have to worry from conflicting drama from his end, but...

 

Bad News: ... you can't expect to want to Be With you if you have a BOYFRIEND in an open-relationship. Will happen more often if you're out of the guy's league -- but it seems you're not. He's willing to have his cake & eat it too, which is what you offered... but the problem is, you LIKE him a lot. Tsk tsk. That's not what open-relationships are about. It's about being with a Boyfriend you ARE INTO + having sex on the side.

 

So now you're wanting to undo it. Pretty much -- no. Unless he was some guy who always had a crush on you in high school or college before this and you're a great catch all around -- or you're out of his league and it'd be TOUGH to get a gal like you for him in his life ..... you can pretty much count it out.

 

You can try, though, and just send him an email telling him that pretty much your situation was on-the-rebound from the get-go, but a bad idea to try and be half-in/half-out with your ex/boyfriend at the time... and you understand how he should take things, but that you feel both of you shouldn't keep completely out of touch -- and that maybe in a month or two, you can talk again, and see how things go.

 

In the MEANTIME, pretty much count it out as much as a football team being down 21-0 at the half. Move on, and focus on new dudes. Don't think about him OR your ex. Don't give in to your "gut" -- these are situations where your "gut" is BAD NEWS. :)

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
It just hurts because he's the first man that I really liked in years and I wish I had met him in a different time of my life, because I feel like it could have been really good.

 

Look, you were in a relationship for 6 years so naturally this guy was the first man you've liked in years. Don't worry there will be others that you will like and some you will love. Stop thinking about him and get yourself together so you will be healthy emotionally when you meet the next guy.

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