Any chance I can fix this?

[jbliss]

At the beginning of the year my now ex-boyfriend and I decided to have an open relationship because things hadn’t been working out between us and we didn’t want to give up yet. I started dating, but I wasn’t attracted to anyone until I met Jason.

 

He contacted me and we started chatting casually for a couple of days. After a while, we were chatting for hours every night. Even before meeting him I felt a pretty strong attraction. When we finally decided to meet up, we had a great first date. Neither of us wanted it to end and I ended up going to his place afterwards for some wine and to keep talking. After talking for a few hours, we started kissing and we ended up having sex. I’ve never had sex with someone so soon before, but it just felt natural. Two days later he invited me over to his place to watch a movie and we cuddled on the couch and ended up having sex again. I felt like I should have left afterwards, but I ended up spending the night.

 

I think he was actually fine with it, but I felt like things were moving too fast and that I was growing more distant from my boyfriend, whom he knew about, so I wrote to him the next day to tell him I thought we should take it a bit slower. He agreed that things were moving very quickly (but not too quickly) and asked me about the nature of my open relationship. I ended up totally over-sharing and I was really worried that I scared him off because he stopped contacting me as often as he used to afterwards.

 

He assured me that he was just very busy with work, and I still believe he was, but I couldn't stop overthinking everything and thus turned into a hot mess.

 

In the meantime, my boyfriend and I broke up and I felt like it wasn’t the best time for me to be seeing anyone because I felt myself growing more and more insecure and I didn't feel emotionally capable of dating. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea to see each other that week (we had loose plans to have dinner together) and again told him that I liked him and asked if he would like me to contact him once I felt ready to date again, if I hadn't scared him off. He assured me that I hadn't scared him off and seemed disappointed but understood.

 

So, if I hadn't already messed everything up before, that week I felt like I really wanted to see him. It had been a couple of weeks since we had last seen each other and I was also disappointed that things had gone the way they did. My roommate told me I should just message him again, and I stupidly followed her advice. He said that he had made other plans. We talked about what was going on and I told him I was afraid of getting attached, that I might get hurt, etc. He said that maybe it would be better to wait because he didn’t want any drama or that someone would get hurt. I said some more stupid things and then changed the subject to lighten things up and asked if he’d like to go to a concert with me next week. He sounded interested but said he doesn’t have the money for it now, so I offered to pay because I do. He said he’d think about it and let me know by today. I still haven’t heard from him...

 

I'm really embarrassed about all of this and it seems even worse now that I've written it all down. Is there any chance I can redeem myself or should I just accept that I messed up badly and move on?

Edited October 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BluEyeL]

Wow! What a complete train wreck! The best course of action is to move on, learn from the multiple mistakes you made, try to work on your self esteem znd getting to a secure place emotionally, and only after that start dating again. I'm sorry you're going through a bad time.

[Jules Dash]

It is understandable how this unfolded but this guy will almost never take you seriously now. The more you try, the less attractive you will become to him. Move on and let him come to you but don't hold your breath.

[angel.eyes]

He's gone, and quite frankly, who could blame him.

 

You just ended a relationship, and you're a bit of an emotional mess right now. Take some time to recover. Reflect and learn from your many mistakes with both guys. Learn to be comfortable being single. Figure out what you want from dating. Only when you've done all these things will you be ready to date. If you choose to jump the gun, brace yourself for another dating fiasco because your insecurities will bubble over once again.

[Diezel]

Wow, leave this guy alone.

[jbliss]

So, I know I'm a wreck right now and I definitely need to act on my initial decision to give dating a break and get my act together emotionally before I attempt anything with anyone again. Despite all of the red flags I was giving off, though, he did say that I really did't scare him off, in those words. We were supposed to meet up this week (before I cancelled) and last week, but we couldn't due to schedule conflicts. And he hasn't blocked me on anything, as it turns out.

 

I haven't been sending him multiple texts a day or anything before he responds, and he always writes to me. He's even said his reduced contact has been because he's been incredibly busy. It's just been this last week that I think my overthinking and emotional insecurity has really come across to him when I didn't stand by my decision to step out of the dating scene until I heal. I know that was a mistake. I was just really looking forward to seeing him again, and he seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wanted to give dating a break, which is why I took my roommate's advice instead of just waiting.

 

And I'm still on very good terms with my ex. The breakup was a long time coming. Our relationship had gotten to the point that we were mostly just very good friends, nothing really sexual. We're still not going to see each other for a while either.

 

Anyway, my plan now is just to wait. I'm not going to contact him again. I have no intention of jumping from one relationship to the next, but if I'm still thinking about this guy after I've given myself time to heal, however long that takes, would it have been too long and have I messed up too badly to reinitiate contact if he doesn't (and is still available)? Would I have a better chance if I had stuck to my decision to not see anyone else instead of contacting him again afterwards?

[angel.eyes]

You've yoyoed all over the place. Most sensible people won't invest emotionally in a person like that. You're unstable. So, if someone agrees to date you despite that assessment, you're basically a fling/FWB option. The person is typically unwilling to see you as relationship material.

 

Get it together before you try dating again.

[jbliss]

I know I'm unstable right now and I fully intend to get my sh*t in order before I start dating again. I thought I was able to date before because I was only looking for casual flings and I thought I could handle that. It wasn't until I met someone that I really felt a connection with that I fell apart. I've been in a relationship for 6 years and before that I never dated, so to speak. I only ever met my past partners through friends, so this was all new to me.

 

I'm fully aware of everything that I did wrong and what I need to do now. I don't know how long it will take for me to be ready to date, and I know that chances are good that he won't be around anymore by then - at which point I'll be able to accept that and move on. My only question is if there is even the slightest chance that I can ever make things work with this guy ever again. I don't think the connection was only felt on my side. I gave him plenty of opportunities to break it off with me if he wasn't interested and he didn't. He kept trying to schedule dates with me. I want to move on and get stable again, but it would make me really sad if that means having to forget about him.

Edited September 12, 2014 by jbliss

[BeholdtheMan]

Jason is

 

A. Boning some other girl

B. Turned off by your emotional instability

C. Both of the above

[jbliss]

Jason is

 

A. Boning some other girl

B. Turned off by your emotional instability

C. Both of the above

 

I can accept B, and I know A is possible, but I kind of doubt it. He really doesn't come across as that type. He's 34 and has said that he's in no way "seasoned" when it comes to dating. But what do I know, maybe he is seeing someone already. He just founded a business, though, and didn't seem to have that much time the past weeks when this all happened to already be "boning some other girl". He only had one free evening the week after we first met and he wanted to meet up with me, but I couldn't and the next week I cancelled.

[mammasita]

Just completely leave him alone. He's only appeasing you to make sure you don't go ape **** crazy on him since you already know where he lives.

 

Get yourself together woman!

[veggirl]

honestly with the open relationship and sex on the first night and subsequent drama you stewed up, he just thinks you're crazy and easy. I think it was all just about sex for him, what kind of guy ACTUALLY wants to DATE a girl in an "open relationship" ? sorry but that's pretty rare. I doubt he ever took anything seriously regarding you, he was looking for a good time and then you started bringing out the drama and he was suddenly super busy with work (they all are when they start the fade).

[Poppygoodwill]

If I understand you, your question is: is there any chance of turning this mess around in the future?

 

Possibly. And possibly not.

 

It depends not on what you've done, but on what you now do. As you've said, time now to back off and stop sending him mixed signals. Time now to get your self on an even keel and heal a bit from the breakup. Time now to get calm in your own mind so that the very thing you're continuing to do - obsess and overthink - you don't do again. Even though you've recognized how you overthought the whole thing into a mess, you're still doing it.

 

YOuv'e got to calm your mind before you be back in touch with him. Otherwise you'll do it all again - like a dating version of Groundhog Day.

 

And if, while you're recovering from your break up, he finds someone else, then it wasn't meant to be.

[Diezel]

I can accept B, and I know A is possible, but I kind of doubt it. He really doesn't come across as that type.

 

Denial can be an ugly thing.

 

Trust me, he probably is seeing someone less emotionally unstable and you should proceed as if he should.

 

Honestly, move past your ex and past this guy. Start over fresh. You need time ALONE.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't consider him an option at this point. He isn't interested right now.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that actions speak louder than words. He can tell you anything (that he's not experienced at dating, that you didn't really scare him off, etc) but his actions are more important. His actions are indicating that he isn't into it.

 

Don't focus on him now. Focus on yourself and getting yourself into a place where a good man will want something more than a fling. Right now, your behaviour comes off as insecure, clingy and emotionally unstable. (Rather normal after a difficult break-up!) Take time to heal before you even consider meeting other guys. Learn to be alone and be ok with it. And don't be hanging out with your ex; that will only prolong the healing.

[jbliss]

If I understand you, your question is: is there any chance of turning this mess around in the future?

 

Possibly. And possibly not.

 

It depends not on what you've done, but on what you now do. As you've said, time now to back off and stop sending him mixed signals. Time now to get your self on an even keel and heal a bit from the breakup. Time now to get calm in your own mind so that the very thing you're continuing to do - obsess and overthink - you don't do again. Even though you've recognized how you overthought the whole thing into a mess, you're still doing it.

 

YOuv'e got to calm your mind before you be back in touch with him. Otherwise you'll do it all again - like a dating version of Groundhog Day.

 

And if, while you're recovering from your break up, he finds someone else, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

 

I wouldn't consider him an option at this point. He isn't interested right now.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that actions speak louder than words. He can tell you anything (that he's not experienced at dating, that you didn't really scare him off, etc) but his actions are more important. His actions are indicating that he isn't into it.

 

Don't focus on him now. Focus on yourself and getting yourself into a place where a good man will want something more than a fling. Right now, your behaviour comes off as insecure, clingy and emotionally unstable. (Rather normal after a difficult break-up!) Take time to heal before you even consider meeting other guys. Learn to be alone and be ok with it. And don't be hanging out with your ex; that will only prolong the healing.

 

Thanks for the constructive advice! This all just happened two days ago, so the feelings are still fresh. I'm trying not to obsess and overthink things and move on, but I guess it takes time. It just hurts because he's the first man that I really liked in years and I wish I had met him in a different time of my life, because I feel like it could have been really good. I can't do anything about the bad timing, and I accept that if he meets someone in the meantime, it wasn't meant to be. I guess I'm just sad and needed either some hope or a slap in the face. Maybe I needed both

[veggirl]

I can accept B, and I know A is possible, but I kind of doubt it. He really doesn't come across as that type. He's 34 and has said that he's in no way "seasoned" when it comes to dating. But what do I know, maybe he is seeing someone already. He just founded a business, though, and didn't seem to have that much time the past weeks when this all happened to already be "boning some other girl". He only had one free evening the week after we first met and he wanted to meet up with me, but I couldn't and the next week I cancelled.

 

Girl come on. He's not seasoned in dating but got you naked on the first date. He was using a line on you! He wanted you to trust him and think you were special, it's just like when girls say "omg I NEVER do this"....no guy actually believes that, whether its true or not.

 

Also in the future with romantic prospects, I'd leave out the past open relationship thing. I don't know any guy who wouldn't think of that as a red flag. Plus you shouldn't be discussing relationships on these early dates anyway, it makes you look like you aren't over them and it seems dramatic.

 

You really really need to take things more slowly, if a guy starts fading after a couple dates, yes be disappointed but don't be so invested that you are really hurt by it. You're newly single, so it'll be something to get used to!

Edited September 12, 2014 by veggirl

[mightycpa]

If I understand you, your question is: is there any chance of turning this mess around in the future?

 

Possibly. And possibly not.

 

It depends not on what you've done, but on what you now do. As you've said, time now to back off and stop sending him mixed signals. Time now to get your self on an even keel and heal a bit from the breakup. Time now to get calm in your own mind so that the very thing you're continuing to do - obsess and overthink - you don't do again. Even though you've recognized how you overthought the whole thing into a mess, you're still doing it.

 

YOuv'e got to calm your mind before you be back in touch with him. Otherwise you'll do it all again - like a dating version of Groundhog Day.

 

And if, while you're recovering from your break up, he finds someone else, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

I was thinking along these lines, and after you calm down, you could probably contact him again. There is a decent chance that if you own up to being bat**** crazy and attribute it to your situation (not exactly broken up, torn between two lovers, whatever) and that you both recognized it, and took the time to regroup (which is immensely sensible), there is a decent chance that he'll accept that explanation. Hell, at 34, we've all been like that at least once.

 

I'd probably also want to hear about how you finally came to resolution - "I just woke up one morning and I realized I didn't love ... anymore" or whatever. Understanding your newfound clarity would probably make me feel ok about all of it.

 

That said, it can't be a couple of weeks. Three months sounds like the minimum amount of time for that to be believable.

[RonaldS]

I can accept B, and I know A is possible, but I kind of doubt it. He really doesn't come across as that type. He's 34 and has said that he's in no way "seasoned" when it comes to dating. But what do I know, maybe he is seeing someone already. He just founded a business, though, and didn't seem to have that much time the past weeks when this all happened to already be "boning some other girl". He only had one free evening the week after we first met and he wanted to meet up with me, but I couldn't and the next week I cancelled.

 

He's 34, apparently works a lot, but can't afford to go to a concert?

 

Yes he can. He just doesn't want to go with you. Look, you tried to do too much at once when you were in a place where you really shouldn't be doing anything, and predictably, it blew up in your face. So, gather all your little fragments up, tuck away for a little while, put yourself back together, and when your ready to just be cool, go find another boy.

 

This guy is out and ain't coming back for nothin....well, he might want to bang you again, but that's it. And I doubt he even wants that. Regroup and move on.

[Mrin]

Well, you changed into something he probably didn't want or bargain for. Dude is 34, works a lot, not seasoned in the dating scene which probably means he doesn't want a GF. You come along in this open relationship and start having sex right away. So, good conversation, good chemistry, good sex (I assume) and no strings attached. Guy is probably like - pinch me!

 

Then you and your ex break up. You get all needy and emotionally attached to him. You tell him you don't want to see him right now and then ask to. You start talking about not being ready and when you're ready to date. He went from having a pretty cool thing to all of a sudden being a boyfriend target by a woman who is in a highly emotional state and was previously in an open relationship. Honestly, you kinda took yourself out of girlfriend contention pretty quickly in your whole relationship with him. If you'd stayed in the open relationship and kept things where they were things would have continued on. But since you changed the rules, I'm sure he's trying to flee right now.

 

Sorry I don't have better news but that's probably his perspective. You were never GF material due to the basis of how you met him. It just works that way.

[jbliss]

He's 34, apparently works a lot, but can't afford to go to a concert?

 

Yes he can.

 

I have reason to believe that he in fact is not making enough money to afford going.

Edited October 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jbliss]

I was thinking along these lines, and after you calm down, you could probably contact him again. There is a decent chance that if you own up to being bat**** crazy and attribute it to your situation (not exactly broken up, torn between two lovers, whatever) and that you both recognized it, and took the time to regroup (which is immensely sensible), there is a decent chance that he'll accept that explanation. Hell, at 34, we've all been like that at least once.

 

I'd probably also want to hear about how you finally came to resolution - "I just woke up one morning and I realized I didn't love ... anymore" or whatever. Understanding your newfound clarity would probably make me feel ok about all of it.

 

That said, it can't be a couple of weeks. Three months sounds like the minimum amount of time for that to be believable.

 

Well, I removed his contact information from my phone. If he wants to contact me ever again, that's cool. I can still find him on OKC in a few months if I still want to. I'm working on trying to forget him for now and I was also thinking that if I do decide to contact him again, it wouldn't be for at least a few months. But yeah, he'll probably have found someone by then, anyway...

[Mrin]

Well, I removed his contact information from my phone. If he wants to contact me ever again, that's cool. I can still find him on OKC in a few months if I still want to. I'm working on trying to forget him for now and I was also thinking that if I do decide to contact him again, it wouldn't be for at least a few months. But yeah, he'll probably have found someone by then, anyway...

 

Good job. This will help: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

 

Now, I'd just focus on getting your heart and head sorted out for yourself and to move on.

[jbliss]

So, I'm not sure how to proceed with this situation.

 

First of all, I'll give an update regarding my temporary insanity. I'm emotionally stable again, got my confidence back, no longer feeling needy, obsessing, or overthinking. I also know and feel that I don't need this guy or any other in my life. I have neither the time nor the desire for a boyfriend or a serious relationship. What I wanted when I met him and what I still want now? This:

 

good conversation, good chemistry, good sex and no strings attached.

 

Most of you think I should leave him alone once and for all, and maybe I should. After my behaviour, the chemistry is probably gone anyway. But some of you think I could turn this around, though I don't really know how. Despite and probably because of the fact that I've got my head back on my shoulders, I can feel that it's not the right time to contact him again, so I'm not going to yet. But if and when it does feel right, what should I tell him? I'm not looking for exact words, but maybe some points I should cover. I wrote an email (that I have not sent and will not send anytime soon!) that contains the following:

 

• apology for the drama
  
• acknowledgement that I was unstable and needed time
  
• assurance that what I was looking for before the break-up is still what I'm looking for now
  
• short explanation about why I broke up with my boyfriend
  
• clarification that I'm not afraid of getting attached, but rather of getting strung along and that I don't want to play games
  
• that I'd be happy to hear from him, even if he just tells me that he doesn't want to see me anymore, which I can handle and will respect
  

 

What do you guys think? And how long should I wait after I'm feeling better? Do I need to be 100% better? I feel like I'm at 75% now.

OK, so maybe I am still overthinking things a bit

[Diezel]

Are you absolutely sure that you can handle him rejecting you... or even not taking you seriously?

 

To him you are a walking red flag (Sorry, but from his perspective, you need to understand, it wasn't pretty).

 

There is a chance you can turn it around, but you need to be ready for the worst case scenario even if you are hoping for the best.