How to know if your Exclusive?

[disneygogetter]

I know the term may sound high schooly but when your first dating someone new how many dates would you then consider that you and that person are a couple, boyfriend/girlfriend status or as an exclusive set.

 

I've had a lot of relationships end up as a couple in different ways, one we were a couple before we went on our first date, but lasted a long time after that date, others we became a couple after a few dates, others we became a couple and started dating right then and there.

 

What about you?

[mammasita]

You ask/discuss/communicate. No assumptions.

[Assasda]

I havent been a serial dater, but I think you go out with someone about 3 times, then if you like them enough, you stop counting dates.

You just spend time with them.

Then if its organic enough, you become a couple

[BluEyeL]

When it feels right, and you feel you're ready to be exclusive, you can ask the other person how do they feel about it.

[slizl]

I ALWAYS like to be clear on this subject. Even though it takes me back to 8th grade (I am 35), I still ask a girl to be my girlfriend. I think it's cute and ensures we are both on the same page.

[azureorb]

Being Exclusive doesn't mean you're BF/GF. It's just a requirement -- and usually not too far off from it. It can come in two separate phases:

 

Exclusive A: You both take your profiles down from online, disable Tinder, and if there's any girls/guys you're talking to or kinda seeing, you drop push away. And you agree not to chase anyone else. You do this because you two click after your (3rd/4th/5th?) date that went well...

 

Exclusive B: You both say not to fool around with anyone else. This includes playing wing-person or going in the moment on a spring break/vacation or whatever. You're usually seeing each other (but not officially BF/GF), and you don't want to not JUST make yourself available, continue juggling things with someone else, or chase someone else -- but you Also don't want any non-platonic situations with anyone, even in the moment. You're Full-Circle Exclusive.

 

You can do these things SOON, without being BF/GF.

 

People who don't like to date more than 1 person at a time like (A), but still don't want the feeling of being "tied down" so they don't roll with (B) until it's GF/BF time.

 

But after a month of seeing each other at least somewhat frequently, it's fish or cut bait to go pure Exclusive or not.

 

When you're GF/BF, it ups the ante a bit more:

 

BG/BF: You can't start the "groundwork" with someone else, even without hooking up, when your relationship isn't going so well and there's thoughts of breaking up. You can only do what you wouldn't do in FRONT of the gf/bf until AFTER the breakup is DONE.

Edited September 11, 2014 by azureorb

[Diezel]

You take a small piece of paper and write two checkboxes, one for Yes and one for No. You give it to someone in your class, preferrably someone you trust to hand the note over to that person, and then you let them check one of the boxes. If said person checks off a "Yes", you two are exclusive.

[angel.eyes]

I ALWAYS like to be clear on this subject. Even though it takes me back to 8th grade (I am 35), I still ask a girl to be my girlfriend. I think it's cute and ensures we are both on the same page.

This is more my style. My boyfriend took me on a walk after dinner when we were first dating, nervously gave me a spiel about all the ways he liked me, how special I was, how he always wanted to be there for me...then asked me to be his girlfriend. He was cute about it, and it was just perfect! And it was great to know exactly where he thought he stood with his feelings for me.

[mightycpa]

I always thought it was when the boy says "Will you go steady with me?" and the girl says "Yes", and then a token of affection is given from the boy to the girl to seal the deal, like a Class Ring, or if you don't have that yet, some kind of bracelet.

[Assasda]

I ALWAYS like to be clear on this subject. Even though it takes me back to 8th grade (I am 35), I still ask a girl to be my girlfriend. I think it's cute and ensures we are both on the same page.

 

Couldnt disagree more actually

[DazedandConfused8]

I know the term may sound high schooly but when your first dating someone new how many dates would you then consider that you and that person are a couple, boyfriend/girlfriend status or as an exclusive set.

 

I've had a lot of relationships end up as a couple in different ways, one we were a couple before we went on our first date, but lasted a long time after that date, others we became a couple after a few dates, others we became a couple and started dating right then and there.

 

What about you?

 

I used to think that once you called yourself boyfriend and girlfriend, you were "exclusive." Nowadays, I guess some people don't believe in that.

 

So the easiest way is to explicitly have that conversation and determine what you are.

[mightycpa]

I havent been a serial dater, but I think you go out with someone about 3 times, then if you like them enough, you stop counting dates.

You just spend time with them.

Then if its organic enough, you become a couple

 

Is there some line of demarcation that you cross? How do you know if you are both on the same wavelength about that? Like what happens if you think you've gone on to coupledom, but you're out one night with the boys and you see Matilda out with mightycpa? Do you have rights, or merely expectations? Is this grounds for a feeling of betrayal?

 

Honestly, this sounds like exactly what she's asking.

[Assasda]

Is there some line of demarcation that you cross? How do you know if you are both on the same wavelength about that? Like what happens if you think you've gone on to coupledom, but you're out one night with the boys and you see Matilda out with mightycpa? Do you have rights, or merely expectations? Is this grounds for a feeling of betrayal?

 

Honestly, this sounds like exactly what she's asking.

 

I have expectations.

If matilda is going out with me and kissing on me, I dont expect her to be kissing anyone else.

I personally let the woman decide the whole BF/GF business.

If she poses the question, I'll say yes or no, but I'm in no rush to lock anyone down.

 

So if Matilda was with the mightycpa after kissing me, I'd trust that she wasnt kissing you, so it wouldnt be a problem

[mightycpa]

I have expectations.

If matilda is going out with me and kissing on me, I dont expect her to be kissing anyone else.

I personally let the woman decide the whole BF/GF business.

If she poses the question, I'll say yes or no, but I'm in no rush to lock anyone down.

 

So if Matilda was with the mightycpa after kissing me, I'd trust that she wasnt kissing you, so it wouldnt be a problem

 

That reminds me of a rule I had going with an old girlfriend. I could do anything I wanted with anybody else, as long as there was no exchange of bodily fluids.

 

But if you saw Matilda kissing mightycpa, that would pose a problem for you, clearly.

 

What if Matilda said, "Well, Geez Assada, I didn't know you felt that way! I thought you weren't interested in that because you never asked me. If you had, I would have gone steady with you in a heartbeat." Could you forgive based on a misunderstanding of the situation?

 

Now I'm also reminded of the time that Beatrice kicked me to the curb in 10th grade precisely because I didn't ask her to go steady. I didn't make that mistake again until I was 24. That's when Lori kicked me to the curb because I didn't ask her to marry me. I dodged a bullet with that second mistake!

 

What do you think about when a girl does that to a guy?

 

This is fascinating. I've got to drop off the face of the earth for a while, but I'll check back later.

[Gloria25]

You ask/discuss/communicate. No assumptions.

 

Agreed ^^ "exclusive" means different things to different people - especially now a days...

 

To some people, exclusive means the decision to not date other people...to others it may mean not to have sex with other people.

 

To some, exclusivity is "implied" after a certain amount of time, after sex happens, or even if a "promise ring" (not an engagement or marriage ring) is exchanged/given.

[Mister Zen]

If you don't know.. then you're not.

[Assasda]

That reminds me of a rule I had going with an old girlfriend. I could do anything I wanted with anybody else, as long as there was no exchange of bodily fluids.

 

But if you saw Matilda kissing mightycpa, that would pose a problem for you, clearly.

 

What if Matilda said, "Well, Geez Assada, I didn't know you felt that way! I thought you weren't interested in that because you never asked me. If you had, I would have gone steady with you in a heartbeat." Could you forgive based on a misunderstanding of the situation?

 

Now I'm also reminded of the time that Beatrice kicked me to the curb in 10th grade precisely because I didn't ask her to go steady. I didn't make that mistake again until I was 24. That's when Lori kicked me to the curb because I didn't ask her to marry me. I dodged a bullet with that second mistake!

 

What do you think about when a girl does that to a guy?

 

This is fascinating. I've got to drop off the face of the earth for a while, but I'll check back later.

 

I'd say "naa Matilda, I just kiss one person at a time. Have a nice time with mightycpa", She clearly wasnt that into me then.

 

The thing is, when a girl is into one guy, she wont go to other guys. So I doubt I'd have to have that talk with her in the first place

[acrosstheuniverse]

You ask. Being exclusive means you're not seeing anybody else at that time. A relationship means you've decided you really like each other and want to give things a shot. They are different things and neither are natural things that magically happen once you've been dating a while. If you don't clarify, you have no idea what the other person thinks or is up to.

 

Personally I presume multi-dating unless exclusivity is discussed. Either of you can ask 'so, where do you think this is going?' don't be afraid of scaring someone off, knowing what you want and going after it is hot and if you're spending time and money on a person you deserve to know whether they see it as a short term thing or not. The longer you leave it, the more emotions get involved and the worse it'll be if you don't discuss it.

 

I would generally imagine this discussion arising after around five or six dates, because if I've been out with a guy that many times I'm definitely into him, and any shorter seems a little premature when you hardly know the person.

[mightycpa]

I'd say "naa Matilda, I just kiss one person at a time. Have a nice time with mightycpa", She clearly wasnt that into me then.

 

The thing is, when a girl is into one guy, she wont go to other guys. So I doubt I'd have to have that talk with her in the first place

 

Thanks for sharing. It is always good to get other perspectives, not that I can use them these days, but good to know for potential future reference.

 

So, OP, what's the story? Are you going steady with this guy or not?