ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I have been seeing this guy for nearly 2 months now, and we recently had the DTR conversation, where we agreed we were 'going out' and are boyfriend & girlfriend. I have met many of his friends and family members, and he's met some of mine too. In the beginning, everything was heated and exciting and it never really died down until this weekend just gone. We met at work, started talking on Facebook and began dating from there, and have been going strong until now. Monday night, I call him on my break at work, he says he's gaming with a friend, I ask if we're okay, he says yes, we talk briefly about random things, I wish him a good evening, he asks me to message him when I get home from work, I do, we chat for a while, he goes to bed, leaves on good terms, xxx's and all. That is the last time i have heard from him, and it is Thursday night now. I called him, no answer, only he's been sporadically online on Facebook, which he only uses on his phone, never on his computer. This tells me he's making the conscious effort to avoid talking to me, which makes me feel incredibly sad and helpless. If it's over, I just want to know so I can move on. Either way, I'll see him at work on Sunday, and whilst relationship issues are to be left out of work, I can judge his reaction to seeing me as to the status of our relationship, but in the meantime its hell and I feel as though I deserve some closure at the very least. We have never argued, only minor tiffs that were resolved as they happened. This all seems so random, everything was going so well, i don't see how he can just lose interest overnight. Does he just want 'man time' to game with his friends and hang out by himself etc? I don't know what to do at this point, any advice would be massively appreciated, I'm going crazy, can barely eat or concentrate on anything other than this.
Assasda Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Call him and leave a message, ask if something is wrong with him or something. If this is an anomaly as you say and everything was different before, you should be fine, I think
Author ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Call him and leave a message, ask if something is wrong with him or something. If this is an anomaly as you say and everything was different before, you should be fine, I think Thanks I called him once tonight, if he needs space I don't want to be over the top and bombarding him with contact and coming off clingy, even though I'm at my wits' end
mightycpa Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Let's see.... it's Thursday, and he hasn't asked you out for either Friday or Saturday. Does BF/GF include automatic dates on one or both of those nights?
Author ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Let's see.... it's Thursday, and he hasn't asked you out for either Friday or Saturday. Does BF/GF include automatic dates on one or both of those nights? He works both evenings. We don't have specific 'date nights' its just when we're both free from work. I only work part time, and him full-time, so we only have one shift together, Sunday daytime.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Let him contact you, he had been on FB with his phone, yet never bothered to give a txt since last contact. Yes it hurts, and there is no getting around it. So pull yourself together, and stay away from his FB page, and be strong, and be ready for work time. Most likely you will need to be so, and if things turn around, some talks will need to be done to resolve such issues from happening. 1
mightycpa Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 He works both evenings. We don't have specific 'date nights' its just when we're both free from work. I only work part time, and him full-time, so we only have one shift together, Sunday daytime. So it sounds like Saturday (daytime) is the first mutual free time? Is that correct?
Author ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Let him contact you, he had been on FB with his phone, yet never bothered to give a txt since last contact. Yes it hurts, and there is no getting around it. So pull yourself together, and stay away from his FB page, and be strong, and be ready for work time. Most likely you will need to be so, and if things turn around, some talks will need to be done to resolve such issues from happening. Thank you very much, I'm trying to be strong, its just so hard when you've fallen for someone and they suddenly go AWOL with no obvious reason I want to add, we used to talk daily, for long periods of time, so going from that to nothing is a huge shock to the system
Author ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 So it sounds like Saturday (daytime) is the first mutual free time? Is that correct? Well he works 12-9 so no, not really. Now i'm back at college, we're looking at his weekday off evenings, usually Tuesday and Thursday, though it varies from week to week, he tells me normally his work schedule so we can see each other.
Zahara Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Sometimes it's very simple and straightforward. You haven't heard from him since Monday. You called him and he never responded back. He has however been fiddling on his phone accessing FB here and there so he has the opportunity to send you a text. Takes about 4 seconds. Step back and let him come to you. Personally, I'd stop investing. PS: He didn't lose interest overnight. There could be several reasons why someone pulls away. 6
mightycpa Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Well then, I'd just wait if I were you. Might as well go out with your pals Friday/Saturday, and keep your inquiries to a bare minimum. Say hi once a day or something. Short, not sweet. The POWER OF LEAST INTEREST has a hold of you now. Do you feel its grip? Good! Now what you want to do is see if it can work for you. If it doesn't, then he's not your guy. If it does, then you will want to establish some ground rules about things while you build trust. 1
Author ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Sometimes it's very simple and straightforward. You haven't heard from him since Monday. You called him and he never responded back. He has however been fiddling on his phone accessing FB here and there so he has the opportunity to send you a text. Takes about 4 seconds. Step back and let him come to you. Personally, I'd stop investing. PS: He didn't lose interest overnight. There could be several reasons why someone pulls away. I'm terrified he won't come back though, and I'll be left wondering 'what if'. I tend to be unable to move on if there is no definitive break-up.
Author ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Well then, I'd just wait if I were you. Might as well go out with your pals Friday/Saturday, and keep your inquiries to a bare minimum. Say hi once a day or something. Short, not sweet. The POWER OF LEAST INTEREST has a hold of you now. Do you feel its grip? Good! Now what you want to do is see if it can work for you. If it doesn't, then he's not your guy. If it does, then you will want to establish some ground rules about things while you build trust. I'm going out drinking with my girlfriends tomorrow night will be good to let off steam. 1
Zahara Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I'm terrified he won't come back though, and I'll be left wondering 'what if'. I tend to be unable to move on if there is no definitive break-up. Hun, don't place all your power in this guy. There's nothing terrifying about walking away from a 2 month semi-relationship. It hurts, yes. But it shouldn't be terrifying. What's more terrifying is having to invest a lot more time in someone that treats you this way only to be hurt in the end. Even if you had a definitive break-up, does it really matter? Does a reason help you move forward and accept it? Why wouldn't you pull your power back and make that decision for yourself because you choose to be with someone that will treat you with respect and consideration. Why do you place your fate in this man? You have to be strong and also stand by your own convictions. 2
cif Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 He needs to act like an adult. I would go to his job and ask what's up. Then dump him. 1
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 (edited) Thank you very much, I'm trying to be strong, its just so hard when you've fallen for someone and they suddenly go AWOL with no obvious reason I want to add, we used to talk daily, for long periods of time, so going from that to nothing is a huge shock to the system Yeah it will be a shock until things level out with any relationship. I would send so much to my woman, that it was difficult for her to keep up. Mostly it was just jokey stories and what nots. As we realized that we got the newness out of our system, we had settled in to make our expectations down to just allowing for freedoms. We had connected so well that if something popped up unexpectedly that blocked communication, that we trusted enough to know there was contact in some way that will come. I hope he has a good explanation, if not, let things cool and accept it as it is... it may be that he is not ready mentally or too busy with what he wants to do. As he seems to be more boy than man. Though I see a lot of men that never grew past 18. As a woman, you need to manage your man and his boy not just your BF. Some peeps want things as they were before a relationship, others accommodate their lives for the relationship, and a select few want just the relationship. It is hard to balance life and what you want in a relationship, so you must rely on trust to get you through the times you wish you had together while waiting. Edited September 11, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA
Author ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Hun, don't place all your power in this guy. There's nothing terrifying about walking away from a 2 month semi-relationship. It hurts, yes. But it shouldn't be terrifying. What's more terrifying is having to invest a lot more time in someone that treats you this way only to be hurt in the end. Even if you had a definitive break-up, does it really matter? Does a reason help you move forward and accept it? Why wouldn't you pull your power back and make that decision for yourself because you choose to be with someone that will treat you with respect and consideration. Why do you place your fate in this man? You have to be strong and also stand by your own convictions. I place my fate in him because I have become emotionally invested, I already 'liked' him before we started the dating/relationship. I find it very hard to let things go once my heart is in them, its the way I'm wired I'm afraid. I find it hard to look at matters of the heart objectively, I tend to go with my gut more. And despite what's going on now, I have seen an incredibly beautiful, artistic, intelligent side to this man also. This, whilst painful, isn't the definition of our relationship, theres so much more to it than this, which is mainly why i'm finding it hard. I don't want to lose one of the few men I have met that thinks the way I do, and cares about the artistic and beautiful side of life in the same way as me. Though two months isn't a lot, we have shared so much in that time, which will make it harder for me if it is over. That was sappy and cliche, I know, i'm sorry haha
Poppygoodwill Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Okay, so it's hard for you to move on without a definitive 'end'....well, then you can determine the end. YOU can make the definitive end. There is absolutely no good reason for him to go silent on you after two months of dating. There is an obligation to you after the time spent together and presumably you've been intimate. If he's disappeared, then he's a cowardly jerk and you shouldn't let him back into your life even if he did come back around for some reason. It's really not fun to feel rejected, but look at it another way: in my mind, going AWOL on you for a week is enough to decide he's not worth your time after all. 1
Author ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Yeah it will be a shock until things level out with any relationship. I would send so much to my woman, that it was difficult for her to keep up. Mostly it was just jokey stories and what nots. As we realized that we got the newness out of our system, we had settled in to make our expectations down to just allowing for freedoms. We had connected so well that if something popped up unexpectedly that blocked communication, that we trusted enough to know there was contact in some way that will come. I hope he has a good explanation, if not, let things cool and accept it as it is... it may be that he is not ready mentally or too busy with what he wants to do. As he seems to be more boy than man. Though I see a lot of men that never grew past 18. As a woman, you need to manage your man and his boy not just your BF. Some peeps want things as they were before a relationship, others accommodate their lives for the relationship, and a select few want just the relationship. It is hard to balance life and what you want in a relationship, so you must rely on trust to get you through the times you wish you had together while waiting. Thank you for this, it helped a lot. I feel a little tiny bit more resilient now. He's 26 and has had a fair share of hardship in his life, particularly as a child; he's not had it easy at all, which could be why he's finding it hard to ease himself into a loving, trusting relationship. This might not be the case, I'm only speculating here!
Zahara Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I place my fate in him because I have become emotionally invested, I already 'liked' him before we started the dating/relationship. I find it very hard to let things go once my heart is in them, its the way I'm wired I'm afraid. I find it hard to look at matters of the heart objectively, I tend to go with my gut more. And despite what's going on now, I have seen an incredibly beautiful, artistic, intelligent side to this man also. This, whilst painful, isn't the definition of our relationship, theres so much more to it than this, which is mainly why i'm finding it hard. I don't want to lose one of the few men I have met that thinks the way I do, and cares about the artistic and beautiful side of life in the same way as me. Though two months isn't a lot, we have shared so much in that time, which will make it harder for me if it is over. That was sappy and cliche, I know, i'm sorry haha It wasn't sappy and cliche. How you feel is how you feel. I understand being afraid. I've toiled with the fear of abandonment and it can be very crippling. But there are ways to cope with that and get through. Yes, he has great values but there is no need to place him on a pedestal. When you do that, you limit yourself to this one person making you dependent and crippled by him. The times I've met a great guy and thought I would never meet another, I was always wrong. So, remove that restrictive thought pattern because it isn't realistic. Sometimes we idealize and romanticize these guys to our own detriment. 3
Author ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 It wasn't sappy and cliche. How you feel is how you feel. I understand being afraid. I've toiled with the fear of abandonment and it can be very crippling. But there are ways to cope with that and get through. Yes, he has great values but there is no need to place him on a pedestal. When you do that, you limit yourself to this one person making you dependent and crippled by him. The times I've met a great guy and thought I would never meet another, I was always wrong. So, remove that restrictive thought pattern because it isn't realistic. Sometimes we idealize and romanticize these guys to our own detriment. I always end up this way with men
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Thank you for this, it helped a lot. I feel a little tiny bit more resilient now. He's 26 and has had a fair share of hardship in his life, particularly as a child; he's not had it easy at all, which could be why he's finding it hard to ease himself into a loving, trusting relationship. This might not be the case, I'm only speculating here! My first ever relationship was at 30. I had been isolated by shyness and being an introvert. Plus my way of reasoning at an early age was more adult and even to this day, I take yes and no, but maybe is a big WTF, either yes or no. It was that I did not feel my age was not right for any group while growing up, seemed that I always felt misunderstood. So I can see some of his issues causing pain for you. Getting him to talk should help, and dont rush, just bring friendship into play, and allow him to open up and express his emotions. If his is confronting, it means he has no way to voice his feelings, and is possibly scared. Just have to care without smothering him. So personal time may be needed for him, until he feels comfy just to be held. Sometimes being held brings emotions that nothing else can bring, even sex. Hope the best for you... it may be a bit of work, but it is possible to get things right, if he is willing to put the effort in with you.
Author ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 My first ever relationship was at 30. I had been isolated by shyness and being an introvert. Plus my way of reasoning at an early age was more adult and even to this day, I take yes and no, but maybe is a big WTF, either yes or no. It was that I did not feel my age was not right for any group while growing up, seemed that I always felt misunderstood. So I can see some of his issues causing pain for you. Getting him to talk should help, and dont rush, just bring friendship into play, and allow him to open up and express his emotions. If his is confronting, it means he has no way to voice his feelings, and is possibly scared. Just have to care without smothering him. So personal time may be needed for him, until he feels comfy just to be held. Sometimes being held brings emotions that nothing else can bring, even sex. Hope the best for you... it may be a bit of work, but it is possible to get things right, if he is willing to put the effort in with you. Thank you so much
ExpatInItaly Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 This is your boyfriend and he's been out of contact since Monday. It's safe to say that something is wrong. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and tell him when you see him that you need him to be honest with you about whether or not he wishes to continue the relationship. He can't ignore you forever, as you work in the same place. Frankly, I wouldn't be able to continue dating someone who suddenly vanishes. Not relationship material.
Author ColaBucks Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 This is your boyfriend and he's been out of contact since Monday. It's safe to say that something is wrong. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and tell him when you see him that you need him to be honest with you about whether or not he wishes to continue the relationship. He can't ignore you forever, as you work in the same place. Frankly, I wouldn't be able to continue dating someone who suddenly vanishes. Not relationship material. I do need him to be honest with me, I just don't know how to set up a time to see him outside of work, as he's currently ignoring me.
Recommended Posts