matt203 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Hi all! I'm hoping you can help me out with a dilemma that is going round and round in my head at the moment. I can't seem to come to a solution that I'm happy with, so was looking for some way to get some help and found this place. I'd appreciate any advice I can get. I work in a school, and work very closely with a parallel teacher. She's new to the school, and part of my job is to help her settle in, as well as the usual shared planning and things that all parallel teachers do. We met back around Easter, and she stuck in my mind because she had told me how relaxed I had made her on her interview day. I kept thinking about her as the summer went on and we met up in August to get the ball rolling for the new academic year. There was a definite connection between us and she has later said that she told her friends it was like she had known me for years. Afterwards she text me to thank me for a nice day and I said if she was bored or free anytime for the rest of the holiday that we could find something to do together. She took a long time to reply and pretty much dodged the issue. I thought she wasn't interested at the time. We've now been working together at school for about 7 days, and we're pretty much tied at the hip. We always spend free time in each other's classrooms and are pretty open with each other about things. We're also relatively flirty with each other. She told me all about a variety of problems in her personal life a couple of days ago, which revolved around some really nasty fallout from a break-up which happened back in the spring. Later that night, we were chatting on Facebook and she said how much she appreciated me listening to her, and that she didn't think I understood just how much she had appreciated it, as well as telling me that it seemed like we had known each other for years. There are those times when I feel that she might be interested, but then a lot of the time I think she just sees us as good friends, but then I can't read these things anyway. I'd like to tell her that I see her as more than a friend, but there are so many potential problems with that I'm wondering whether or not I should. The first one is that I'm totally inexperienced with relationships and have no idea whether I'd be able to keep her happy or not. The second one is that if we went out and something went wrong, she's quite dramatic and it would be hell in school as we have to work so closely together- that environment is one where you just can't have that kind of tension and drama. The third, and definitely the biggest, is that if I did ask her out, she might well think that I was only listening to her problems and being so welcoming and nice because I wanted something from her. That's absolutely not true and I would hate for her to feel let down by thinking that. It's almost as though the potential benefit of asking her out and her saying yes would be outweighed by the possibility of making her feel that the one person in school she felt able to open up to was only doing it to get somewhere with her. I just can't stand the idea of letting her down like that. I did think of asking for her advice by basically saying most of what I've said above but just not mentioning her name. A kind of chat where we both know what we're talking about but can do it without the embarrassment of doing it directly, but I thought that would be a little juvenile. I'm not sure whether or not I can directly ask her out anytime, but equally I don't want to miss the chance of asking her out if she does feel the same way about me. So really I don't know what to do! Any advice on where I could go from here would be much appreciated. Thank you!
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Well if you feel she is opening up, ask her if she would like to go do something... not pushing date, as she probably still has past issues still running about in her head. Even if it is not a date, you can still talk and feel more comfortable between each other, and allow for dating. No need to rush, just show her you are interested in her by knowing her first. It never hurts and you both may enjoy it more than worrying about dating and what to expect. 1
Author matt203 Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Well if you feel she is opening up, ask her if she would like to go do something... not pushing date, as she probably still has past issues still running about in her head. Even if it is not a date, you can still talk and feel more comfortable between each other, and allow for dating. No need to rush, just show her you are interested in her by knowing her first. It never hurts and you both may enjoy it more than worrying about dating and what to expect. Thanks for the reply. That's good advice. Having read up a little on signs, there are a few signs that she is interested and maybe this way will help that develop for us both a little, certainly given the likelihood that she's not looking for anything too heavy while her personal problems are being resolved. Thanks
Assasda Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 You sound like youre in the friendzone. What you want to NOT do is verbalize your feelings to her. As far as I'm concerned, youre too much of a safe guy, thats why she hangs around with you, not saying that thats a bad thing, but best friends are safe. What you want to do is, stop being her emotional tampon, she shouldnt be telling you her feelings. She can tell you about her day, or something interesting that she's been doing, but not her feelings. After you become less safe. Then ask her out
Author matt203 Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 You sound like youre in the friendzone. What you want to NOT do is verbalize your feelings to her. As far as I'm concerned, youre too much of a safe guy, thats why she hangs around with you, not saying that thats a bad thing, but best friends are safe. What you want to do is, stop being her emotional tampon, she shouldnt be telling you her feelings. She can tell you about her day, or something interesting that she's been doing, but not her feelings. After you become less safe. Then ask her out I completely see what you're saying, but, actually, after reflecting on it I don't want to become less 'safe'. I want to be the person she needs. It's a privilege when someone chooses you to be that person and to show her that I'm not that person would hurt her. I wouldn't do that. Thanks, I think you've helped me to know what to do. 1
azureorb Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 (edited) What you don't want to do (with your lack of experience) is to be the "guy friend". You may have friend-zoned yourself, without knowing it. You need to be aware of that. One of the key ways to friend-zone yourself is to be a shoulder to lean on about personal problems as the main source to them. You don't want that. You want to be somewhat of a shoulder to lean on, but also reverting it back to her as well, it's not so one-sided in that matter. But NOT complaining or indicating that you can never get a girl. It's tougher in your situation since you're co-workers. And NO, do not bring up this same scenario to her replacing her with a "Sally". She'll know it's her. You're not in the craziest spot. Don't ask her out on a date, since you work together and you're still feeling it out -- ask her to join you and your friends for a drink or whatnot on the weekend. You can kick it off by asking where she likes going on the weekends, mentioning places you like going to -- and telling her that you think it'd be cool for your friends and her friends to meet up at the same place at some point. In THAT venue, you can flirt more outside school bounds... and see what happens. If things flow/click well, you could throw out the option of getting together to see a movie sometime (after convo about how a movie's supposed to be good). Essentially, your first attempt is to make it comfy to slide into things... transitioning from chatting-outside-work, to socializing outside work, to meeting up one-on-one on no official-date outside work -- all with flirting and talking about sex too (that are Positive in your direction; fib if you have to), and bits of touching (shoulders, elbows, etc) during each phase -- then when 1 on 1, after the movie, grabbing A drink, and then going for a light kiss at the end... if she's open for it, slide-while-doing-that into a Real kiss. That's the safe-long-route. You could jump into that when talking to her to steer convo at some point about sex (but not being a perv) and saying positive things as an isolated convo that'll get her intrigued... then talking about a movie & how good it is... and offering her to come over to watch it if it's on DVD, or out to see it in theatres if it is, etc. You feel your way through, is all. My advice is not to just do the "Ask her out on a D-A-T-E" off the bat, as it's a workplace, she's new, and school's only been in session for a few weeks. Edited September 11, 2014 by azureorb 2
sid3 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I didn't have to read it all to conclude you're her guy friend. While not a bad thing as most women will have several attractive single friends, but your chance of things becoming romantic with her seem slim at best. Moves should be made right a way or not at all.
angel.eyes Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Short answer: No. Look elsewhere. ...There was a definite connection between us and she has later said that she told her friends it was like she had known me for years. Afterwards she text me to thank me for a nice day and I said if she was bored or free anytime for the rest of the holiday that we could find something to do together. She took a long time to reply and pretty much dodged the issue.I thought she wasn't interested at the time. I agree. The "connection" is only on your end. She's not interested but she would like a friend and someone to help her navigate her new work environment, which you're doing really well. We've now been working together at school for about 7 days, and we're pretty much tied at the hip. We always spend free time in each other's classrooms and are pretty open with each other about things. We're also relatively flirty with each other. She told me all about a variety of problems in her personal life a couple of days ago, which revolved around some really nasty fallout from a break-up which happened back in the spring. I have to agree with the other posters. If she's confiding in you about her breakup with some other guy, she sees you as a good friend and confidante. She's not really seeing you as a romantic partner. If you were, she would be focused on building a romantic connection with you, trying to get a handle on whether you're dating and what you look for in a date, not the antithesis of that--gaining a "male perspective" as she rehashes and come to terms with what happened with this ex. I'm not a fan of the term, emotional tampon, but you've become hers. If the ex comes up frequently, she's still emotionally invested in him. That means she's emotionally unavailable to develop a romantic connection with you. Later that night, we were chatting on Facebook and she said how much she appreciated me listening to her, and that she didn't think I understood just how much she had appreciated it, as well as telling me that it seemed like we had known each other for years. There are those times when I feel that she might be interested, but then a lot of the time I think she just sees us as good friends, but then I can't read these things anyway. You're falling into the same category as an old teddy bear and her favorite socks. A path to a close friendship? Definitely. A rebound? Possibly. Becoming her boyfriend? Unlikely. The second one is that if we went out and something went wrong, she's quite dramatic and it would be hell in school as we have to work so closely together- that environment is one where you just can't have that kind of tension and drama. There's nothing wrong with dating peers at work, but you have to pick very carefully. Dating someone who would create hell at work when things fell apart, is career-limiting for you. Second, right now you're her designated mentor. Never mess with someone you supervise or who depends on you in any capacity. If the person feels "coerced" to date you or their performance might suffer, you're setting yourself up for potential ugliness and possibly a career hit should crap hit the fan. She avoided responding when you suggested hanging out socially outside of school. She doesn't seem interested. She's treating you like a confidante. It's unlikely that you're boyfriend material in her eyes. So go find someone else to crush on. She's a poor choice on multiple levels.
Diezel Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 You work together. Leave it alone. Find someone outside of the workplace. I get it, a lot of people like to date co-workers. But for me, there are two places I NEVER go out with anyone... job, gym. And I have dated a co-worker before. It was hell.
Jules Dash Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I said if she was bored or free anytime for the rest of the holiday that we could find something to do together. She took a long time to reply and pretty much dodged the issue 1. This is your answer to your whole thread. Do not downplay it. I will also even go so far as to tell you to not use this method again. Either ask her out directly or not at all. 2. I did think of asking for her advice by basically saying most of what I've said above but just not mentioning her name. A kind of chat where we both know what we're talking about but can do it without the embarrassment of doing it directly, but I thought that would be a little juvenile Please don't do this. Your feelings will get hurt if she can't contain her laughter afterward. Seriously. 3. I would stay away from a workplace romance. They get really nasty and not worth the risk.
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