ketiket Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Hello everyone, I would appreciate your advice on this because I don't know how to make or not make a plan and what to do now. My boyfriend (25) has broken up with me (28 ) few days ago, but basically I have initiate it and said it first in personal despair and anxiety but he is not willing to forgive me the harsh words (atm we are 1000 km apart & this was all going on on viber&skype). We have both been playing "we are done" game all the time but just for hours or minutes… to get each others attention or to show that we were hurt (stupid.. I know). We have shared extremely deep and loving connection but there was lot of childhood emotional baggage so the road was rocky after his depression hit. We were together for 2 years and have lived together until February, when I moved back home (1000km away) to have some space coz of his stressful depression and his family constantly hatefully involving in our relationship. He had an internship there but we have been visiting each other regularly (for 2-3 weeks with a month of breaks in between). I have helped him a lot to deal with his depression which re-appeared after year of our relationship and I have been pushing him to therapy. He's been dealing with his depression much better now but my baggage had resurfaced. We were planing to move back together to his country but he got very hurt by my behavior over Skype in the last 2 weeks. I was very non tolerant, pushy, stressing while he had been finishing his master thesis and I have been in some kind of anxiety state started to push him away because I so terribly missed him, couldn't bare the distance and because he didn't have time to talk to me I have been blaming him for that (unconsciously) and initiating the break up saying horrible stuff to hurt him (ex..it started that I don't feel good and I don't know what's going on with me..,I don't love you, you don't understand me, you are suffocating me, I will never love you, you can't make me happy, in this 2 years I have not been dealing with my problems just yours , I feel like I am your mother doing everything etc..). This things are not so true as I have dramatized them.. I feel so responsible to loose him and I am torturing myself not to realize how I felt and find a help. He said we are over and I actually it was a shock and I couldn't believe it…I thought he will cool off, but when I have realized that he really means it and I have re-viewed what I have been saying to him, I apologized sincerely for horrible words and explain where this pain and pushing away came from and that I love him and didn't want to break up because of my emotional baggage of abusive father. He said something in him broke and his feelings vanished and that he's just flying over to come to pick up his car and to tell me its over. Now his family is finally showing him some support and they are extremely happy with his decision and he looks very ego builded on Skype. They are the cause of his depression and they always made him suffer. His mum and his brother are a manipulative egoistic machines and they always are forcing him into spending time with them even if he didn't want it, have been stressing him on a daily basis for nothing. He is very sensitive and compassionate otherwise but I had to drag him out of the "I want to kill myself " situations numerous times and I have been hurt many times by his depression and now I actually don't understand his decision because despite our rocky road, I have been forgiving him constantly for being crazy&mean during the depression time and I have been lifting him up lots of times.. I understood this he didn't want to be like that and that he wants to change it, and I feel like I didn't have that chance. I really want to try the 30 day no contact that everybody is mentioning on the get your ex back sites, because I really wish to get back with him and grow old with him. I am prepared to be patient and change to be a better person and handle this fears I have. I am wondering how to deal with this handling the keys of the car on Saturday. We were supposed to have a talk in person this, and I had a lot of hope because of finally seeing my problems I thought I would be able to explain the whole situation to him, because he doesn't clearly see in what kind of anxiety/psychological state I was. I also think that because we haven't seen for 3 weeks he would feel differently when he sees me in person. But just yesterday he got very unkind and not sympathetic, he said he will stay in hotel for 2 days and just 2 days ago I have told him that I will take this part time job in his city that we were planing and now he refuses to share a ride with me&dog&cat to his country, to show me that THERE IS NO HOPE FOR US (sorry, capitals to emphasize his tone of voice). Now even his twin brother (which was is manipulating him always) is getting in the story to help him get his car back and he will fly over to Venice. His family was constantly trying to break us up by talking dirty about me. They all have a bit of manipulation and egoistic personalities. Now I am confused if I should take this job and try to solve things out with him slowly because I really want to be back together with him eventually. But he made me feel like I would be a lunatic stalker if I move in the same city as he is now, but I just wanted to take things easy. Am I hoping for too much? I do love him sincerely. Now I am even more hurt and a bit angry but I haven't been txting him like crazy or something…it was just one or 2 days of calls and txts to really understand that he is serious in his decision because I have been trying to see if he is just so hurt and he could forgive me by explanation. I really wish for this 30 days no contact perido, do you think it should happen after the conversation in person, or can I avoid this talk because I don't want to be more hurt since he has made his mind clear that THERE IS NO HOPE, has locked his heart and first time in his life looks like he took a decision and he will respect himself and follow it no matter what. I am afraid of letting him in the apartment because I feel vulnerable and that I would be more hurt, even if I wish him to come because he could soften up because constantly saying this was his home, and we got a cat when we were together and he loves my dog. Just 1 week ago he was saying he would be moving mountains for me and he has always been expressing and showing tons of deep and committed love, he always said everything he does is for me and we wanted to have a family together. He'll fly over on Saturday morning and then head back in 2 days. Please help. I am devastated, I can't eat and I torturing myself every minute for what have I done. How can I help him to forgive me and give us a chance for this strong love we've shared? I appreciate it <3 <3 Thank you!!
FailedFirstLove Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Unfortunately, you can't make someone forgive you and come back I've asked the same questions to myself. And you will always get the same answer... They come back on their own if and when they want to. Also the 30 day nc thing to get your ex back is a load of crap. My ex has felt overwhelmed and left me a couple times. The time before this time took him 3 months.... He told me he just needed that time and space. This time it's almost been 3 months and his still dead set. You can't ask questions about what can you do to make him do this or feel this. But you should be asking, what can you do to make yourself feel better. It's soo hard. And everyone struggles but we have to find our own ways to deal with things. I have not really found mine. I spend my time just trying to talk to people and not staying home. Just keeping busy. Don't know how long I can keep this up. Hang in there. Be strong.
Quiet Storm Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Sometimes, there really is something that clicks in a person's mind where they say "enough", and really mean it. I suspect that you two have a dysfunctional dynamic between you, likely due to the childhood baggage on both sides. These types of relationships are often passionate and dramatic, with a lot of game playing and passive aggressive behavior. Once a couple gets stuck in that dance, it's hard to change it. It often takes a lot of hard work, introspection and counseling to break those patterns. It sounds like you escalated the drama, likely because you wanted attention & a reaction from him. He is probably just tired of it. And when he did end it, he now feels free and realizes that the relationship was bringing him down. I think you should try to fill your life with positive people and activities, and try not to think about him. If he wants to come back, he will. YOu will grieve the loss, but you will be OK. This doesn't sound like it was a good relationship for either of you, with both of bringing each other down instead of inspiring each other to be the best people you can be. If you do get back together, you really need to consider counseling because your relationship doesn't sound healthy. It should be a benefit to your life, not a liability. Sometimes it's best just to start over with someone new, and learn from your mistakes. Figure out what feelings bring out that drama in you, and find healthy ways to cope with that. 2
tory1012 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Well I completely understand what you're going through if you read my thread as of recently I have managed to sabotage my relationship and push the man I love and who I was engaged to away. We broke up last Monday and I have certainly gone through ALOT of emotions, self loathing and regret!! I've decided tho once I move the remainder of my stuff out tomorrow that I am literally going to drop off the face of earth from his life. I will concentrate on recovery for myself and hope to feel better in time. It's the only possible option I can see! I do live in hope that him and I will be together again however I hope we are different people.
tory1012 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I also understand that the words that we want to hear is give him some time then he should come round and you can be together again... But that would be disingenious to say as I now believe the only way to any type of reconciliation is concentrate on one's self to gain perspective back! It's Hard I know! But we are here and always will support you.
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