a range of emotions (Updated)

[rosycheeks]

okay so my story is that

6 days ago my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. (i'm 20. hes 19) (I'm 6 months older)

 

 

Everything was perfectly fine in our relationship. no fighting, no major arguments, we gave each other space, and we were good to one another.

 

 

Once school started I noticed he began to get distant from me.

 

 

He's taking about 17 units at school, works 3-4 jobs and would tell me how stressed and or tired he was or is.

 

 

So I thought it would be nice to take him out to dinner to help alleviate him of his stress..just to do something for him ya know?

 

 

during dinner I knew something was wrong, but didn't say anything..

(I even asked if he wanted to postpone the dinner that night because I knew he was tired, but he wanted to go anyway)

 

 

then as we're heading back to our cars, he says we should sit. We sit down and he tells me he needs to be honest with me and says he cant do us anymore. That hes sure Ive noticed for some time (I wasn't sure) and that hes unhappy and doesn't feel the same anymore.

 

 

well of course I broke down and asked him if we could work on this and try, but I got no response. I told him I had asked him days prior If everything was alright and why he didn't tell me anything then.

 

 

of course he tried comforting me and wouldn't let me drive home because I was crying, but I didn't care at that point and wanted to leave. He told me to text him when I got home. I got home and told my parents, they were shocked knowing how well we were together.

 

 

and then he texted me asking me if I got home safe. I replied saying yes. and then the NEXT DAY he asked me "How are you doing?" I was so upset..but I answered him truthfully and told him "I'm hurting right now, how are you doing?" and all he said was, "I just feel really bad, I never wanted to hurt you"

 

 

In my mind I'm just like "then why did you break up with me?" but I didn't respond back to him after that.

 

 

a couple of days later he texts me again saying, "hey" I respond back and he tells me that "Id like it if we could at least talk to one another, but if you need time I understand, I know it's not gonna be easy"

 

 

I was so baffled, Like what was there even to talk about?? he made his point to me, so I asked him that. "What would you like for us to talk about?" and last night he replied, "Whatever you want like if you had any questions or if there's something you want to say to me"

 

 

I haven't responded yet, and I don't even know if I should. There are so many things I want to say because I'm so confused how this all ended so rapidly.

 

 

I also talked to a mutual friend of ours yesterday and she was telling me how shocked she was, and how she got upset at him for doing this. She said all he told her was that "He felt the connection was lost"

 

 

But was irritates me is that he never even bothered to work it out or sit me down and try to come to some solutions before breaking up. He just did it on his own without even talking to me.

 

 

My dad thinks its an array of things. Like the stresses of school and work, or hes a commitment phobe, or he became bored in the relationship and doesn't realize that the honeymoon phase/sparks fade after a while.

 

 

whatever it is..I'm deeply devastated and heartbroken. It truly was an excellent relationship, even friends outside of our relationship saw how good it was. I was there for him, did so much for him, and made sure he was happy. Met his entire family, spent time out of time together, etc...there were so many things we did together and we went through so much.

 

 

Which is why I don't understand how it ended like this??

[rosycheeks]

He also seems so unfaded by his decision, like it doesn't even bother him.

We still follow one another on social media sites and he would say things like, "I have a reason for everything I do, I'm never irrational or unjust"

or "No matter what, I still manage to stay cheery"

 

 

I know it isn't another woman. I believe him on that one, but I just don't understand and I'm so furious and sad he never even brought it to my attention to try and work things out.

 

 

our friend was telling me yesterday also that she thinks its something else as well. something he's not saying.

 

 

because she really believes we were good for one another.

 

 

and since we attend the same community college I see him on campus from time to time, and yesterday he saw me in the library and avoided me completely.

 

 

She also says he's been by himself lately too. my coworker spotted him the day after (not knowing we had broken up yet) and said she also saw him just walking by himself.

 

 

I'm honestly so crushed by this, and am just willing to work things out between us, but I don't think he wants to and I'm not trying to force him, but I don't even know if he knows what hes done..

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I'm honestly so crushed by this, and am just willing to work things out between us, but I don't think he wants to and I'm not trying to force him, but I don't even know if he knows what hes done..

 

I'm going through a similar thing with my fiancé currently & she left it similarly to the way your boyfriend left it.

 

 

Why not text him saying that you want to give him space (say for a month) and in that time it will give you both a chance to reflect on what you both want?

 

 

That doesn't necessarily put pressure on him & it allows you to both be independent in that time.

[rosycheeks]

I'm going through a similar thing with my fiancé currently & she left it similarly to the way your boyfriend left it.

 

 

Why not text him saying that you want to give him space (say for a month) and in that time it will give you both a chance to reflect on what you both want?

 

 

That doesn't necessarily put pressure on him & it allows you to both be independent in that time.

 

 

 

I was thinking of doing that.

 

 

I have friends who are advising me to just stay quiet and come back to the topic a month from now, and I have friends who advise me to just spill out everything I need to say to him so he knows how I'm feeling, etc..

 

 

I don't even know what to do anymore. All I know is that this whole situation is ridiculous in my eyes. The fact that anyone could throw something good away or not even bother to try and work on it.

 

 

The same mutual friend even told him herself that he shouldn't even be talking to me so quickly after breaking up with me. That he needs to give me time to heal before we can even talk to one another, and I even told her yesterday that I honestly don't really want to talk to him unless he comes to the conclusion that he wants to work things out and genuinely wants to be together again.

[rosycheeks]

our mutual friend also told me that he had told her he had been feeling that way for about a month (the same month we started school, and when he started working a lot) and I only really noticed it 2 weeks before the BU.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Hmm, it seems like he is being very hasty on making such a rash decision without properly thinking it through.

 

 

He's not been considerate of how you will feel & didn't even have the decency to tell you sooner!

 

 

I stand by what I said about giving him space for a while & know you want to tell him how you feel. I think you should just tell him how you feel, tell him that you want no contact for a month then that pretty much puts the ball in his court.

 

 

If he contacts you after a month then great, if not he was never to be.

 

 

How old are you both by the way?

[rosycheeks]

Hmm, it seems like he is being very hasty on making such a rash decision without properly thinking it through.

 

 

He's not been considerate of how you will feel & didn't even have the decency to tell you sooner!

 

 

I stand by what I said about giving him space for a while & know you want to tell him how you feel. I think you should just tell him how you feel, tell him that you want no contact for a month then that pretty much puts the ball in his court.

 

 

If he contacts you after a month then great, if not he was never to be.

 

 

How old are you both by the way?

 

 

 

I think so too. I feel the decision was too rash, and we could have honestly worked things through with time and effort.

 

 

I'm 20 and he's 19 (Turning 20 in Dec.)

[mightycpa]

Which is why I don't understand how it ended like this??

 

Oh, sweetie. I feel bad for you. You're in the right place.

 

You know, sometimes it actually does happen for no reason - the flame dies. Sometimes it happens for another girl - if he starts with somebody in the next couple of weeks, you'll know this was the case.

 

You saw it coming in the signs, but you wouldn't let yourself believe it. Now, you see it is true.

 

This is going to hurt, but it is true. It isn't the stress, it isn't school and it isn't that he's a commitment-phobe. He's just not into you any more, and I'd bet money that he cannot explain why. I'm sure he could have rattled off a bunch of things that he liked about you, i.e., WHAT he liked about you, but if you had asked him WHY he liked you... he wouldn't have known that either. I'll bet if you ask yourself WHY you like him so much, you'll list a bunch of things that you like about him - the WHAT. But if you drill down into WHY, you won't know either. Just remember that he can't turn it on and off like a switch. He can't help how he feels any more than you do.

 

He was pretty nice from what we know so far. He told you the truth.

 

I think the best bet for you is no contact. But everybody deserves a chance to say goodbye. Your questions will never be answered to your satisfaction, but if you want to have that one last conversation with him, now's the time. Then, you should probably tell him too, you have to cut contact, for your peace of mind.

 

You're in for a roller coaster ride of hurt. Hopefully, it won't last too long.

 

Good luck RC!

[rosycheeks]

and I know it probably doesn't mean anything, but I know he still has pictures of us up on his Instagram.

[rosycheeks]

Oh, sweetie. I feel bad for you. You're in the right place.

 

You know, sometimes it actually does happen for no reason - the flame dies. Sometimes it happens for another girl - if he starts with somebody in the next couple of weeks, you'll know this was the case.

 

You saw it coming in the signs, but you wouldn't let yourself believe it. Now, you see it is true.

 

This is going to hurt, but it is true. It isn't the stress, it isn't school and it isn't that he's a commitment-phobe. He's just not into you any more, and I'd bet money that he cannot explain why. I'm sure he could have rattled off a bunch of things that he liked about you, i.e., WHAT he liked about you, but if you had asked him WHY he liked you... he wouldn't have known that either. I'll bet if you ask yourself WHY you like him so much, you'll list a bunch of things that you like about him - the WHAT. But if you drill down into WHY, you won't know either. Just remember that he can't turn it on and off like a switch. He can't help how he feels any more than you do.

 

He was pretty nice from what we know so far. He told you the truth.

 

I think the best bet for you is no contact. But everybody deserves a chance to say goodbye. Your questions will never be answered to your satisfaction, but if you want to have that one last conversation with him, now's the time. Then, you should probably tell him too, you have to cut contact, for your peace of mind.

 

You're in for a roller coaster ride of hurt. Hopefully, it won't last too long.

 

Good luck RC!

 

 

 

But how do even think married couples do this? The flame DOES die after a while, but it doesn't mean you give up...This hurts so much...I'm in so much pain and I just really want to try again...

 

 

He was really the best boyfriend Ive ever had, and we saw a future with one another.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I think so too. I feel the decision was too rash, and we could have honestly worked things through with time and effort.

 

 

It is very unfair of him not to even give you the chance to talk to explain why you thought you could work through things.

 

 

I really don't know what else to say, I think I'm as baffled as you - my scenario is so similar to you.

 

 

x

[mightycpa]

But how do even think married couples do this? The flame DOES die after a while, but it doesn't mean you give up...This hurts so much...I'm in so much pain and I just really want to try again...

 

 

He was really the best boyfriend Ive ever had, and we saw a future with one another.

 

Well, if you're not already married, then giving up easily is an option. If it dies after 6 months, it is a good option - for the both of you.

 

The world is a big place. What are the chances that you found your perfect mate at the age of 20? There are probably hundreds of "Mr. Rights" for you out there right now, waiting for your heart to become available again.

 

Give it time, and tend to your own well being. You'll see.

[rosycheeks]

so should I just talk to him and let everything out?

 

 

tell him how I feel and what I would have liked to have seen?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

so should I just talk to him and let everything out?

 

tell him how I feel and what I would have liked to have seen?

 

 

Yes, do just that.

 

 

Keep us posted.

[rosycheeks]

I'll think about it..

 

 

any thoughts from someone else?

[Lostdreams]

Hi rosycheeks,

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting and it's really tough to go through this.

 

I would recommend you do not talk to him at all - no text messages, no FB ... cut off everything and you just have to disappear from his life.

 

You have done nothing wrong.

 

I think he was honest with you (which is more than some) and he walked away. I know it's hard but you have to accept that he has given up on you and the relationship you had together.

 

What you must do now is to focus on yourself, your life, your friends, your family and support network to get you through this. Read the No Contact Thread and know that this is the right way to go and protect yourself from further heartache and start the road to recovery

 

You can't change his mind whatever you do or say - it would have to come from him .... and there is absolutely no guarantee that he will ever return.

 

It's hard but you are not alone - just read some of threads on here.

 

Advice is not always easy to take especially when it doesn't go in the direction that you should attempt to reconcile - which is probably what you are dying to hear right now. Please be sure that the advice given on here is always offered with YOUR best interests at heart.

 

Statements like "you are both young and have your lives ahead of you" "there are plenty more fish.... " don't really cut it for you right now and they certainly don't take away the pain - but it's true and you will reach a day when you will even believe it ........ but this takes time.

 

Now you must keep yourself busy, concentrate on your studies, try a new hobby, fresh air, sport, and allow yourself the space to grieve this break-up. If you need to cry - let it out but hold strong and don't run after him. Writing your thoughts in a diary may help to get the pain out or just vent on here.

 

This will not break you and step by step you will recover - we are here for you so chin up

[rosycheeks]

He said he'd like it if we could talk at least.

 

And when I asked him about what?

 

He just said whatever I wanted to talk about. Like any questions I had or anything I wanted to say to him..

 

I just don't see why he's trying to talk to me right after breaking up with me.

 

I thought he'd leave me right alone and let me heal, but he isn't. He wants us to talk to one another like nothing even happened.

 

Its irritating and disrespectful towards my feelings...like it never meant anything to him.

 

I really have nothing to say to him..but I won't ignore his text message. I'll reply to this one and that's it.

 

Here's what I plan to say:

 

Honestly, I have a lot to say, but is it even worth telling you? Is it going to change our situation? You know how deeply I feel about you. You know what I'd want to see happen between us that I want to work things out and at least try, but if you aren't willing to try then what's the point?

I need time to heal and time to get my emotions in check before I could ever talk to you again. Even if I were to talk to you again, I'd only like to talk if you were willing to work on us again sometime in the future. Because I can't be friends with you, I can't talk to you like nothing ever happened between us. What happened between us was extremely special to me and meant a lot to me. Going back and talking again like nothing ever happend is irrational.I know you say you care about me but please respect my feelings and understand I need time to process this whole thing.

[rosycheeks]

Maybe this as well...i found it from another thread and thought it had some sense to it.

 

More than "chemistry" and "magic" and "connections" - the most important thing you look for in someone is if they'll stay thru the bad times. Feelings change. It's just science and chemistry. But a person's character- that is long lasting.

[SoThatHappened]

I just don't see why he's trying to talk to me right after breaking up with me.

He's probably trying to do a couple things. Regardless of WHY he broke up with you (as mightycpa mentioned), he sounds like he did it as honestly and correctly as someone can do it. Breaking someone's heart is hard, very hard. He at least had the decency to do it the way he did.

 

Those two reasons he's trying to talk to you:

 

1. Ease you into the transition because he really does care about you

 

and/or

 

2. Ease his guilt for breaking up with you.

[rosycheeks]

But should I send him what I wrote?

[SoThatHappened]

Here's what I plan to say:

 

Honestly, I have a lot to say, but is it even worth telling you? Is it going to change our situation? You know how deeply I feel about you. You know what I'd want to see happen between us that I want to work things out and at least try, but if you aren't willing to try then what's the point?

I need time to heal and time to get my emotions in check before I could ever talk to you again. Even if I were to talk to you again, I'd only like to talk if you were willing to work on us again sometime in the future. Because I can't be friends with you, I can't talk to you like nothing ever happened between us. What happened between us was extremely special to me and meant a lot to me. Going back and talking again like nothing ever happend is irrational.I know you say you care about me but please respect my feelings and understand I need time to process this whole thing.

 

That's honest, heartfelt, and leaves the ball in his court while telling him to leave you alone.

 

If you think you'd feel better telling him that, I would tell him that. I think you should since he's the one that keeps trying to talk.

 

Leaving the ball in his court while telling him to leave you alone is perfect.

 

Then, NC starts and you will need to be strong. Very strong. That's what we're here for.

[freebutterfly7]

Your letter sounds honest - seems like you have a good grasp on how you're feeling and what you'd like from him. Whether or not you should send it? Up to you. Maybe that will be good closure for you. I don't think it will help to continue sharing thoughts like this more than one time though. Sounds to me like the two of you wanted different things or are at different places in life. This is a hard one. Blessings to you through the healing process.

[rosycheeks]

Alright I sent it.

 

I'll see if he has anything to say, if not he knows not to contact me anymore and I can begin NC.

[rosycheeks]

He said nothing to what I sent him

 

It hurts so much...

 

The mutral friend that has been talking to him said she talked to him recently and that he also said there had been other factors such as he felt we didn't communicate enough, he felt like he didn't "change" as a person..and that school and work has been stressful...

 

 

I'm so angry and disappointed.

 

These qualities could be worked on in a relationship.

 

She even told him that I was willing to work on our relationship, but she said be didn't say anything about it.

 

Our relationship was great and I'm so upset he didn't even bother talking with me about these things. He said we had communication problems but I think its him that has the communication problems. I would always ask him if he was alright and he would just say he was fine.

 

I'm so hurt and sad, and I miss him and what he had so much.

 

I only wish he'd at least TRY and work on us...instead of just cutting it so quickly without a fight.

[rosycheeks]

Could he be going through GIGS?

 

I've noticed that now, (I know I shouldn't be looking at his social media) although he says all these reasons to me, he goes out with friends more often, has picked up smoking again, and gets drunk more than usual than when I was with him.

 

He does look at my social media as well. (Snapchat stories)