amaysngrace Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder. Would you choke your "friend"? Given that she has I don't think that makes her exactly friend-worthy. 1
lauri Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I do not believe I can be friends with an ex. I view a breakup as a cutting of all ties...in a relationship you are her friend and lover. She cannot rip out your heart and then expect you to remain around providing the benefits of being her "friend" aka making her feel good about herself. This is why a lot of dumpers are selfish and shortsighted on the effect it has on us dumpees. Its sad to say, but whenever a girl drops the "friend" card on you, that means she is no longer romantically interested in you. She may "care" about you somewhat, but is no longer "in love" with you. D-F, your ex is clearly trying to ease her guilt. You going NC is starting to have an effect on her - she is starting to realize that her actions were bad, that she hurt you a lot and she is starting to feel horrible about it. The more you push away, the more she will start to realize how she was wrong and she is the one who screwed up. My suggestion to you is, DO NOT help her feel better about herself and give her a free pass. Make her come out and admit to her mistakes, admit she was wrong and that she regrets her actions. If you must, explain to her clearly that YOU are the one going NC (she feels like she has all the power because she blocked you and initiated NC on you, when it actually, in all honesty, should have been the other way around) and that you do not want to hear from her anymore until she stops being selfish, learns what she wants and realizes what she actually did to you. It's time for you to take control of the situation. 2
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder. Would you choke your "friend"? Given that she has I don't think that makes her exactly friend-worthy. You're right, her talk IS cheap. If she really wanted me, then she would be doing all she could to get me back - none of which she has done at the moment. Of course I would not choke my friend, I would have no reason to & it's not in my nature to do that. She in my opinion, is now capable of anything given that she has choked me (twice.) 1
Allumere Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 yes you can certainly be friends with an ex. Like everything else, all kinds of variables will determine when, to what extent etc. And what it really comes down to is choice. Ex-husband...in my case...no way. Other ex gents, I am (it is a short list). One I hang out with on occasion (not local) and always have a standing invitation at his home extended by him and his girlfriend. The other we keep in touch in a more general way but if in town wouldn't hesitate to meet for drinks of coffee. Again he is happily married and wife is awesome. Most recent gent is still in the awkward phase as I think he may have been swept off his feet (he is off the grid)...when things settle in his dating realm I certainly see us being friends. People get hung up in defining friendships on here. Reality is, particularly if you are older, you don't hangout/spend tons of time with most of your friends...even your closest ones..so whether you simple chat with ex on FB or grab a beer now or then or are at a point you are included in events it is still a friendship. And as for my part, if any of them needed anything, I would step up to the plate.
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 This is why a lot of dumpers are selfish and shortsighted on the effect it has on us dumpees. I also think the fact that she has only ever had three boyfriends (I'm the third, ok was boyfriend then fiancé) in her 23yrs of lifetime PLUS the fact that of the first two relationships ended with HER doing the dumping. The first one she gave an ultimatum to because she says he was too bothered about his gran who was very unwell at the time so she chucked him because he wanted to see his gran. The second she ditched because he was "an ar*e" apparently. Notice the pattern?
amaysngrace Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 You're right, her talk IS cheap. If she really wanted me, then she would be doing all she could to get me back - none of which she has done at the moment. Of course I would not choke my friend, I would have no reason to & it's not in my nature to do that. She in my opinion, is now capable of anything given that she has choked me (twice.) She's going to hurt people over and over again whenever she isn't getting her way either by emotional abuse or physical violence. You really do not need a friend like that or a person like her in your life in any capacity. She's really not good enough to even own a pet. 1
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 She's going to hurt people over and over again whenever she isn't getting her way either by emotional abuse or physical violence. You really do not need a friend like that or a person like her in your life in any capacity. She's really not good enough to even own a pet. There were some good aspects about her, as in she was caring, loving, kind & loyal to me throughout our relationship but I observed her being a bit distant maybe a day or two before we had the fight which I put down to her work because she had been complaining about how stressful it was becoming. I absolutely agree that she will continue to hurt people if she doesn't get her way, that seems to be the rule for her as a case of it's my way or the highway. I hope you understand that I do love her still and there is not all bad things to her, but for the choking thing I do forgive her for but she (unfairly) can't forgive me for punching her in self defence. Double standards I say.
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Yes, I am prepared to be frank with her and tell her that I do not wish to hear from her unless it's about us getting back together. That should prompt her enough to know that I am now taking charge & am serious by what I'm saying. Well she blocked & unfriended me and my family on Facebook about a week after we had the fight, so in a way it's a good thing that I'm not able to look at her page or feel the urge to want to look at it. I think she will be on her own for a while & if I ever saw her with someone else, I would totally flip, absolutely flip. OMG man, she doesn't want you back, she's done. And that's a good thing. Could imagine sleeping next to her if she was in a bad mood? Wouldn't you fear for your life? Worry that she could try to choke you again while you sleep, or worse, grab a knife and stab you while you were sleeping? I really do get that you love her, but I don't understand why you want her back. She has cut you out of her life on all levels, leave her be.
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Could imagine sleeping next to her if she was in a bad mood? Wouldn't you fear for your life? Worry that she could try to choke you again while you sleep, or worse, grab a knife and stab you while you were sleeping? The thought has crossed my mind & I would hope that we could have sorted that out in the form of getting her some pro help beforehand. I really do get that you love her, but I don't understand why you want her back. I just want her back because we were great together and had made so many plans, she's my fiancé for gods sake! I want her back on the condition that she gets professional help for her issues.
rosycheeks Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Nope. I could never be friends with an ex. No matter how much time has passed. Because either you'll still have some sort of feelings for them, or feelings will resurface due to memories. Its painful and its better just going your separate ways unless fate brings you two back together again. Although there are some that can do the friend thing and I just say, more power to you.
Mittens Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 She's my fiancé for gods sake! NO SHE ISN'T. She gave you back the ring, that means you are no longer engaged. You aren't even in a relationship anymore! 3
me85 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I'm a firm believer in no such thing as being friends after a break up. Now...my last boyfriend was the only exception. I love/loved(?) him so much that I tried being "friends" with him for almost an entire year. /= I became the person I never was...that girl who settled for any little bit she could get. It was truly pathetic of me and I admit, I'm still not fully over my ex and may never fully be but at some point you have to realize there's no way to be friends after the other hurting you or you hurting the other so much. One of the two will always have feelings of love and holding out hope for a chance to get back together. 4
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 I'm a firm believer in no such thing as being friends after a break up. Now...my last boyfriend was the only exception. I love/loved(?) him so much that I tried being "friends" with him for almost an entire year. /= I became the person I never was...that girl who settled for any little bit she could get. It was truly pathetic of me and I admit, I'm still not fully over my ex and may never fully be but at some point you have to realize there's no way to be friends after the other hurting you or you hurting the other so much. One of the two will always have feelings of love and holding out hope for a chance to get back together. I can totally understand it from your point of view, I really can. The pain of the breakup is sometimes too great to bear & being friends would be awkward when the other person has moved on & you still carry a torch for them. What's the point when your feelings aren't being reciprocated? But I understand everything you said and you are 100% right.
me85 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 (edited) Ya...it's ideal to think you can still be friends with past lovers and who knows? Maybe years down the road you can but I think (and the majority of people agree) that by the time you "get over" an ex or move on and reach the point of indifference about them, you no longer even care to have that ideal friendship with them. So I think that's why friendship with an ex rarely happens. They become a thing of the past. Not to say you don't think of them from time to time or that you don't want the best for them...just saying you hardly think of them by that point at all. It's a blessing, really...to escape the pain they once caused you. If they hurt you and were careless towards you as your lover...which is of far greater importance than as just your friend, (actually-being a lover is being everything all in one-in most cases) but if they would hurt you as your lover then they would most definitely hurt you as your friend. They proved they can be neither a lover nor a friend to you when they exited from your life. Edited September 11, 2014 by me85 3
Missy0724 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 It just comes down to THEIR EGO and to ease their guilt of hurting you. Of course they care! They just are not in love with us anymore, do not want to be with us, see us. So makes NO sense to be "friends". Friends hang out, do things together. It's BS. Maybe a more mature, unselfish thing to say is, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I know we cannot be in contact right now, be friends or much of anything. In time, if and when you want to say Hello, please feel free to reach out to me." Or something along those lines. Make it clear to us that it's OVER. Not string us along, confuse us, give us false hope that maybe there is a chance of reconciliation... SO selfish and hurtful to US. They are not hurting as much, bc they already over us! The dumpers have already processed so much, let go of the romantic feelings...weeks, maybe months before the actual break up. So yes, maybe they can go right to "friends" or something of that sort. We CANNOT! DUH. So, tell him exactly what other posters are saying, "I cannot be friends with you right now. As an adult and someone who says he cares about me, you should understand. Please give me some space and time. If and when I want to say, Hello, I will reach out to you." Then let it go. NC. Block. Whatever you need to do, so YOU can heal and not have false hope... They broke up with us for a reason. We need to LISTEN. And why would we want to be with someone who broke our hearts, does not want to be with us anymore, have changed their minds, moved on, met someone else, whatever reason. Doesn't really matter why! They told us IT'S OVER. We need to get out of denial and back to reality. Takes time...but with NC, we can clear our heads and get those chemicals out of our brains! It's like an addiction! Only way to do that is by not hearing their voice, reading stuff they send to us, seeing them. Every time we break NC, we have a relapse, back into that cycle of pain. NO THANKS! That is our choice to suffer! We have the choice and power to do what is right for us. Stop caring so much about them, but care for ourselves instead. Finally... 2
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 The thought has crossed my mind & I would hope that we could have sorted that out in the form of getting her some pro help beforehand. I just want her back because we were great together and had made so many plans, she's my fiancé for gods sake! I want her back on the condition that she gets professional help for her issues. You don't get it yet..She doesn't think she has a problem. She thinks you're the problem, her parents are the problem, her friends are the problem, anybody else but her. People like that do not change! You'll be waiting until you're old and grey...But hey, if you want to put your life on hold for years, waiting to see if she will take you back, go for it. Or, you can really let go, allow yourself to cry and grieve the loss, accept it's over and heal. 1
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 You don't get it yet..She doesn't think she has a problem. She thinks you're the problem, her parents are the problem, her friends are the problem, anybody else but her. People like that do not change! Understood. Is there a name for people like that? You'll be waiting until you're old and grey...But hey, if you want to put your life on hold for years, waiting to see if she will take you back, go for it. I'm quite prepared to do that because deep down I think she will want me back but not for a long time.
tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 (edited) You don't get it yet..She doesn't think she has a problem. She thinks you're the problem, her parents are the problem, her friends are the problem, anybody else but her. People like that do not change! You'll be waiting until you're old and grey...But hey, if you want to put your life on hold for years, waiting to see if she will take you back, go for it. Or, you can really let go, allow yourself to cry and grieve the loss, accept it's over and heal. My story is a bit similiar to Depressed, without the violent ending; she was the pursuer and drove a quick escalation of intimacy, dismissive/rude to parents, rushing to get engaged, animal mistreatment, hitting, controlling, jealous, etc.. I was also blamed completely for the BU and just about anything else. I agree what you say here, people who aren't willing to accept responsibility in a real way, and instead deflect to others.. are not likely to change. How could they when the first step of changing is acknowledging the problem. Edited September 12, 2014 by tim_tom 2
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 Update: Today I logged into Facebook & I had a friends request come through from one of my fiancés best friends. Now I don't know her best friend, I just know of her & have met her once or twice. I don't understand why she would send me a friends request now when throughout the 2yrs of our relationship I was never asked to be her friend (well because there was no reason to & there still isn't any reason to.) It's got me wondering. What do we reckon?
Ordinaryday Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 Update: Today I logged into Facebook & I had a friends request come through from one of my fiancés best friends. Now I don't know her best friend, I just know of her & have met her once or twice. I don't understand why she would send me a friends request now when throughout the 2yrs of our relationship I was never asked to be her friend (well because there was no reason to & there still isn't any reason to.) It's got me wondering. What do we reckon? dude, overthinking it is gonna kill you! she might just want another name on her friends list, overanalysing it is going to kill you so dont even try. if you accept her dont mention your ex to her and if she mentions her to you respond simply with "hey sorry but I would prefer not to talk about past relationships thanks" and then just leave it.
d0nnivain Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 I think your ex-FIs friend sent you a friend request so your EX can keep tabs on you. For your own sanity click ignore. 2
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 Understood. Is there a name for people like that? I'm quite prepared to do that because deep down I think she will want me back but not for a long time. There are many names for people like that. Selfish, immature, narcissistic, abuser, etc..etc.. Why do you think she's going to want you back? She's made it perfectly clear she wants nothing to do with you. Take that as a blessing! She's blocked you and cut you from her life. Sorry, to me that screams she's done.
Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 Yes. But not only does a whole helluva lot of time have to pass beforehand but both parties have to be firmly over the other and whatever transpired over the course of the relationship. There can be no feelings whatsoever and neither of you can harbor either resentment or longing. So true. I have one ex with whom I've become friends. But it took at least two years (in which 6 months no contact etc.).... Then, when I noticed I didn't care if he was dating someone else and he even introduced me to a new girl friend - and I was totally fine with that, I knew it was ok.
WorryGirl Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 Yes. But only sometimes. My ex left me after 6 years together. I was devastated and didn't want to be friends, although he did. I thought it would be far too difficult. However, it wasn't. Somehow we stayed best friends even when he got married and I found someone else. Then one day, three years after our break up, he said to me "so my wife gave birth yesterday and now I have a son". That was when I realised that I could be friends with him, but he couldn't be friends with me. When I asked why he didn't even tell me they were expecting, he was dishonest and said nobody else knew at all and they were scared etc. Turns out all our mutual friends knew. He just couldn't bring himself to tell me. So I told him I cared, and I wished him and his new family lots of luck and love, and terminated our friendship. It was all very bizarre. Now I don't want to maintain friendships with ex boyfriends. Not one bit.
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 I think your ex-FIs friend sent you a friend request so your EX can keep tabs on you. For your own sanity click ignore. That's what I thought too but why would she want to keep tabs on me?
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